parenting

An Analysis Of Phrases Moms Use to Warn Their Kids

By Katherine Stone December 2, 2011

We don’t spend a lot of time being funny on this blog, for obvious reasons. It’s hard to laugh when you’re in the midst of the despair of postpartum depression. But during this holiday season, which can heap even more stress on the already-stressed, I thought I’d give it a try.

Earlier this year, I did an analysis of the most important and oft-used tools in any mom’s arsenal: the warning phrase.

Don’t act like you don’t have one, because I know you do.

I have two. I call them my shot-across-the-bow phrases. They are what I say when my kids are getting on my nerves and I want them to know that if they keep it up, there will be trouble. Or, at least I want them to think if they keep it up, there will be trouble, even though sometimes I’m really not all that committed to carrying through, truth be told.

My first shot-across-the-bow phrase is “Don’t peeve me.” I can’t begin to count how many times I’ve said it. I use this one when I need them to go amuse themselves, or they start doing something they know annoys me. Sometimes I add the word “child” to make it slightly more ominous, as in “Don’t peeve me, child.”

Another one of my favorites is “Don’t make me beat you.” It’s a solid step up from “Don’t peeve me.” I warn them that if they are bad, I will beat them senseless with my Senseless Beating Stick. The Senseless Beating Stick is famous in my house, and has an aura of mystery as it’s never been seen before. The kids are beginning to wonder if it even exists. I’ve explained to them that, if they’re lucky, they’ll never have to find out.

I asked a few other moms to share their fave warning phrases with me, and, when they did, I was surprised at how much each saying made me want to chuckle.

“You’re on the edge, mister.”

“Watch it, young lady.”

“Do I need to put you to bed early?”

I can picture the mom screwing up her face, brows knitted, arms akimbo, delivering her message with the utmost in HUMORLESS VOICE. Warning phrases are serious business.

As it turns out, I found through my very serious investigative research that they also seem to fall neatly into categories.

[Read more...]

December 2, 2011 9:46 am Filed Under: Postpartum Depression

How To Be A Good Mother: Why Imperfection Is The Only Way

By Katherine Stone September 6, 2011

Perfectionism. Oh, the pressure we put on ourselves to be perfect! Or at least, if not “perfect” then definitely Good. The phrase: “I feel like such a bad mom” bounces off of the walls in my office every day. It echoes after the women with whom I work leave my space. These words sometimes seem to follow them down the street, into their cars, and back home with them to where they haunt these mamas throughout the night. These. Are. Powerful. Words.

But, what do they really mean? What, exactly, is a “Good Mom” anyway? Is a good mother the one who breastfeeds her baby until he is 2? Is she the mom who never ever loses her patience? Is this good mom the one who stays home with her kids? Or is she the mom who returns to work and manages to juggle both with grace and ease? Is a good mom the one who cooks all of her meals from scratch? Is she the mother who always puts others before herself? Is this good mom the one who is constantly smiling, has a perfectly clean house, home made (organic) cookies on the counter top, and clean, folded laundry put away before anyone notices it was even dirty? Or is she the mom who never feeds her kiddo sugar or lets her watch TV? Is a good mother the one who manages a totally happy marriage that includes frequent sex and date nights and also manages to keep happy and loving siblings from fighting? Is she the one who is always happy, never sad or angry, definitely not anxious, and seems to know exactly what to do with her kiddo at every developmental stage? Is she the one whose baby is never crying? Is she the one whose children are always happy too?

[Read more...]

September 6, 2011 9:23 am Filed Under: Postpartum Depression

Does Summer Break Overwhelm You?

By Katherine Stone June 2, 2011

This time of year makes me think of when I had postpartum OCD and was afraid to be alone with my baby. I still get that same twinge when summer comes and I worry about how to keep my two kids entertained all day long. Whether I have what it takes to get through two-and-a-half months of stay-at-home momdom. I wrote about it in my ParentDish column: Why Summer Break Scares Me

Wondered whether any of you who have survived a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder get that same feeling when summer break arrives. Is it just me? I mean, I know I'll be fine and we'll have fun, but I always have this temporary feeling that I'll be overwhelmed. I hate that feeling. A lot.

June 2, 2011 12:01 pm Filed Under: Postpartum OCD

How Pregnant Women React to Information About PPD: A Baby Expo Case Study

By Katherine Stone May 16, 2011

Attempting to generate awareness of postpartum depression and eliminate stigma among an audience of pregnant women is a great reminder of the various attitudes about PPD that still exist.

This weekend I was at the Atlanta Baby & Child Expo sharing information on PPD. I got three general responses from the pregnant attendees there as I tried to chat and hand out educational materials:

1) With her head nodding, the pregnant or new mom says, "Postpartum depression is REAL. Hope I don't get it, but I'll take this information just in case."

This mom stops and listens, even if just for a moment. She is genuine when she says she understands PPD is real. She is willing to consider the possibility that anyone can get a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder, and feels there is no harm in grabbing some information about it. She may mention knowing someone who had it. If it's not the mom that stops, it's her friend or her mother who says "I'll keep this and watch out for her. Thanks for the info."

I love these people. I could hug these people.

2) The pregnant or new mom giggles and says with a big smile, "Oh, no thanks! I won't be needing that!"

This mom thinks she's immune. She is completely confident that there is no way in hell that she will have PPD, so she laughs breezily at the thought that she might need information about it. She sashays by, off to try and win the car seat raffle and watch the maternity clothing fashion show.

I worry for these moms, because I had that same attitude once, and then I got hit by a Mack truck.

3) The pregnant or new mom offers a dismissive smirk and a wave of the hand and says "I don't have time for postpartum depression."

This mom thinks postpartum depression is BS. PPD is for people who are lazy, or don't have better things to do, or aren't smart, strong effective mothers like she is/will be. PPD is for losers.

This woman offends me, truth be told. I know there are lots of people like this, who are ignorant about mental illness. I bite my tongue and smile as she walks away.

I'm so grateful to the Atlanta Baby & Child Expo for allowing me to promote education on perinatal mood and anxiety disorders to the very important target audience of women who might get them any day now. I hope at least one woman finds comfort and support with the information she received. I also hope the great majority of them never go through what the readers of this blog have.

In the meantime, Saturday's experience reinforced how much work we still need to do.

May 16, 2011 9:54 am Filed Under: Awareness

Mom Gets Backlash After Publicly Disclosing She Loves One Child More … Now What?

By Katherine Stone March 17, 2011

I saw a post on a popular and widely-read parenting website/blog yesterday and it made me sad. In it, a mother confessed that she loves her son more than her daughter.

She wrote about how she felt more comfortable with her son, and how it was so much easier to parent him. She wrote about how much she struggled with her feelings of disconnection with her 3-year-old girl.

That, in and of itself, was not what gave me so much distress, because this happens. Sometimes parents favor one child over the other. But she continued further, writing later in the post:

"There are moments – in my least sane and darkest thoughts – when I think it wouldn’t be so bad if I lost my daughter, as long as I never had to lose my son."

There are so many reasons why this post, and the enormous backlash it received in the comments section (more than 300 comments), was upsetting.

1) She was sharing her feelings in the interest of talking about motherhood and imperfection. She felt by writing about this openly other people would feel they could talk about it too. I get that. I just wish she had other outlets as well to help her through this, perhaps before she ever wrote about it publicly. Were there other people she could talk to, or was this website her only outlet? Did she have no one else to talk to?

2) Many of the comments were heartbreakingly awful, and sometimes mean, and I can't imagine what she must feel like right now. I feel sick to my stomach for her. I understand where some of those people were coming from. Some of them were "unfavored" childred in their own families, and were deeply scarred by that experience. It was, in my own small opinion, a mistake to publicly share some of the things this mom disclosed. Still, she said many times she was suffering, and seemed to be seeking reassurance rather than the anger she got. Could we have responded in ways that would lead her to help, rather than to feel, as she said in an update to the post, "shocked and ashamed"? Should we have?

3) I also can't imagine how it would feel to be her daughter and one day read some of the things that are written in this piece. The anguish!! The mother herself says she knows these feelings are wrong. She worries about them. But I also wish someone, maybe the website's editors, had said to her, "Maybe you can talk about this topic authentically and still leave the line about your daughter dying out. Or the line about hoping your next baby is a daughter because then maybe you'll be able to love that girl. Not because you don't feel it, or that you are not allowed to have your own feelings, but because some day your daughter could read it." Could someone have given her that guidance? Did they try to? Does anyone care about the feelings of this little girl?

4) Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I'm not sure this relationship has to be this way forever. In the end, that's what is most important, right? It almost felt as though this mom had given up. I have to wonder if some sort of therapy or family counseling could really help.

It helped me.

My son and I are very similar. We have the same kind of personality. He is my oldest. It has always been very easy to parent him. At first I thought it was because I must have some kind of super awesome parenting skills, but no … it's because he's a great kid and also because I understand him at a very deep level. We're almost one in the same in many ways.

My daughter and I are very different. It is hard for me to understand her, because she makes decisions I wouldn't. While I am very safety-conscious, she is ready to jump off things and fly through the air unharnessed. While I am often fairly low energy, she is nonstop action, chattering and singing away and running from here to there. My husband calls her a fabulous punch to the solar plexus of the universe, and he's right.

At first, she scared the living daylights out of me. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't understand why she behaved the way she did. She made me nervous. I wasn't sure how to connect with her the way I was connected with my son. It's like we both spoke different languages.

Then I talked to my therapist about it, because I love this little girl as fiercely as I love my boy and I didn't want a problem to begin right from the start. The therapist acted as my translator. She explained to me that, personality-wise, my son was a fit. He is easy for me, and I am for him, because we think alike and we behave alike. Not so with my daughter, so I needed to learn to understand her and appreciate her for who she was. It was my job to do that. She helped me see that it wasn't that my "preshy" didn't like me or was defying me or was trying to scare the living daylights out of me (like the time she left our house at the age of two by herself and walked a couple of football fields away off into a golf course without ever looking back over her shoulder … can you imagine?!). She's just a free spirit. A beautiful, wonderful free spirit.

I can work with that. I am working with that. I'm learning to see life through Preshy's eyes. The world is one big amusement park as far as she is concerned. My boy is not perfect or better because he's like me. My daughter is not perfect or better because she isn't. And neither of them are less than anything. They're just different.

I'm not saying my situation is exactly like that of the mom who wrote the post. I don't know all the details of her life and everything that may have brought her to this spot. I just know what it feels like to be confounded by your child, and that sometimes people can help you reframe that thinking in a constructive way … a way that allows you to move forward positively and have a wonderful relationship.

Note: I hope you don't mind me writing about this today, rather than PPD. I just felt so overwhelmingly awful on so many levels after reading the post and comments that I wanted to put it down on paper, and to share my own experience so that maybe mothers who don't know how to connect to children that are "different" than they might see that it's possible.

Also, I don't link to the post here for a reason. I just want to be careful not to add more fuel to the fire that has already flamed over at the website. What's more important to me is the issue, rather than the specific people. I hope that makes sense.

March 17, 2011 9:31 am Filed Under: Causes

On What Your In-Laws Think: A Postpartum Depression Love Story

By Katherine Stone March 16, 2011

The following guest post from Kim Rogers gives me chills up my spine. I’m in love with this story.

In the depths of my postpartum depression, I experienced all of the expected PPD emotions: shame, guilt, anxiety, fear, sadness, despair and hopelessness. The list goes on. However, there was one that came up quite frequently that stung more than all the rest.

I felt defective.

It was more than four years ago that I felt it for the first time in connection with PPD, but it still brings tears to my eyes. I remember tearfully apologizing to my husband many times, “I’m sorry I’m defective. I’m so sorry I’m broken.” Not only did I carry the weight of my illness on my shoulders, but I also carried the burden of what it was doing to my husband, my marriage and my new little family. Guilt and failure were my constant, persuasive companions.

In addition to feeling guilty for not being a “good mom” for my husband’s new son, I also felt self-conscious about it in front of his parents. In my mind, I had let them down as well. Did they think I was crazy? Did they think their son deserved better? Did they wish he had married someone else? Someone better suited to care for their grandson? These thoughts plagued me. So much so that we didn’t tell them for many months for fear (mine) of what they would think. In hindsight I’m sure they knew something was wrong. The second week after my son was born they were visiting and I was very much a mess. I was obsessive about schedules and on a good day acted distant and nervous. And then there was that Christmas when we flew up to Washington to meet up with them. That was the trip where EVERY. LITTLE. THING. felt like it was impossibly hard. I blew up at the smallest things and my anxiety was crippling. My husband simply suggesting I take my son into the hotel lobby restroom to change his diaper sent me into a tailspin of anxiety and fury. I imagined them wondering what their dear son had gotten himself into!

That is what makes this last weekend so very sweet. Last weekend my in-laws gave me an early birthday present – and I don’t know if they will ever fully realize what a gift it was. They went to a jeweler near their home in British Columbia and had a charm custom-made for me based on the Postpartum Progress logo – the Warrior Mom.

I think it hit me for the first time how deeply they want to convey that they love me, in spiteof putting their son and grandkids through two bouts of postpartum depression. Even though at times I felthorrible that I was a defective wife to their son, they never felt that way. This charmis more than a piece of jewelry. It is more than a reminder of what I survived. This charm is asymbol of the love and support that was there all along, waiting for me to receive it.

I hope this serves as an encouragement to you ladies wondering if your family will ever “get it” – yes, many of them will. Give them time. And if you are nervous about what your husband’s parents think of you, take heart, there’s a good chance they love you just the same – if not more. That is my wish for all of you.

Go ahead and tell me now if any of y’all want a Warrior Mom charm too. Every single time I look at the picture I am overwhelmed. You can bet your ass I’m ordering one!! Once I find out how many want to order, I’ll try to get a better price. Hoping to get it to around $30 or so (not including the bracelet).

March 16, 2011 9:00 am Filed Under: Postpartum Depression

Tips On Parenting Well While Suffering A Mental Illness

By Katherine Stone January 18, 2011

Some of you are experiencing postpartum depression or anxiety with your very first child. Still others are having it with later children, and are having to parent several kids while dealing with PPD. So how do you care for your children while going through depression or other mental illnesses?

Psych Central has taken on this question, offering tips on parenting well while coping with a mental illness. My favorite?

“The best predictor of kid functioning is parent functioning,” said Sherman, also co-author of Finding My Way: A Teen’s Guide to Living with a Parent Who Has Experienced Trauma and I’m Not Alone: A Teen’s Guide to Living with a Parent Who Has a Mental Illness. Even if you don’t want to seek help or get better for yourself, do it for your kids. Model healthy choices. Remember that acknowledging that you need help and seeking help are signs of strength."

Getting help is a gift to both you and your children.

Go check out the article. It includes tips for single parents, too, as well as a list of other resources on this topic.

January 18, 2011 11:45 am Filed Under: Effects on Children

Should Moms Be Required to Keep Newborns In Their Hospital Rooms?

By Katherine Stone November 23, 2010

There was an interesting discussion yesterday on Twitter about having babies in the hospital and how some hospitals no longer offer nurseries, but instead require the newborns to remain in the mother’s hospital room. No sending baby off to the nursery for the night.

The conversation kicked off when @lauriepuhn sent me the link to her story about a friend who gave birth recently in a hospital in NYC and was surprised to find out they had this policy:

My friend asked why and the nurses told her it’s because they believe in “skin-to-skin” contact between the mother and baby. “But for 24 hours a day?” she asked. “Can’t you take him for an hour so I can rest?” No.

My Twitter reply to Laurie was “What?!?!” I was surprised. I didn’t know that hospitals were starting to do this. I think some moms need the break. (FYI, I’ve heard from some readers that this is the norm in other countries, but it isn’t here in the US.)

Then @midwifeamy tweeted:

Total rest is similar whether rooming in or separated, and separation has negative health & emotional effects.

Then @karenebayne weighed in with, among other things:

That’s what’s making me crazy about birth world right now. Not enough happy mediums …

And @drjengunter, OB/GYN, tweeted this:

Level 1 nurseries now less common overall, not saying I agree, but combo of pressure from [breastfeeding] groups, space, $ is my guess …

and @aureliacotta tweeted this:

Actually, this was developed at the request of moms. Family Centred Care programs all do this, and it works well.

and she added this:

They [rooming in programs] have dramatically lower rates of PPD when moms + babies are kept together in the same room, even new NICUs do this.

and @walkerkarraa disagreed, tweeting:

Not for moms with [perinatal mood and anxiety disorders]. It is different.

Here’s what I think.

I don’t believe (though I haven’t seen the research @midwifeamy and @aureliacotta mentioned) that rooming in at the hospital prevents PPD. This is no offense to them – I just don’t believe it for one second. I don’t think the two things are related at all, to be honest.

I don’t think a mom who is going to get PPD or anxiety is going to be prevented from getting it just because she had her baby in her room with her at all times right after childbirth. I don’t see a direct correlation between rooming in and PPD. Conversely, I don’t think a mom who is going to get PPD or anxiety is going to be prevented from getting it because she sends her baby away to the nursery the entire time so she can get some rest. Which would make sense because, as I said, I don’t think there’s any direct correlation between rooming in and PPD, positive or negative. I’d be interested in how the research was conducted and on whom it was conducted.

Had my son been in my room with me for the entire time after I had him, it wouldn’t have helped my already developing postpartum OCD one bit. I PROMISE you that. It could be that there’s a difference between mothers who have more postpartum anxiety and OCD versus mothers who have postpartum depression. I have no idea.

In the end, I think the issue of rooming in, or not, is mostly about the mother’s unique personality and needs, and I don’t think it has much to do with causing or preventing perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. I think the people who prefer to have the baby in the nursery for a while (or some other option for having someone else care for the baby for a while) should have that choice. I think moms who want to have the baby in their room at all times should have that choice.

Each of these very smart women, all of whom I respect, has a unique viewpoint. I know my own view is shaded by my personal experience and the anecdotal experience of others. I want to know what you think. Apparently more hospitals are taking this approach. What is your opinion on this?

Is it more important for moms and babies to have that early skin to skin contact?
Should moms have the choice to have “time off” from their newborns, regardless of whether they do or do not get better rest while the baby is away?
Does rooming in prevent PPD or anxiety, or would it have in your case?

Editor’s Note: The tweets I shared with you above are just a representative sample of the conversation. It was a very positive conversation, and much more was said than just these few citations. I just wanted to give the general gist.

November 23, 2010 12:35 pm Filed Under: Postpartum Anxiety, Postpartum Depression

Summertime With the Children Begins: Am I the Only One That’s Scared?

By Katherine Stone May 26, 2010

In two more days it will be summer. The school year will be over.

Some moms thrill over that. Some moms can't wait to go on adventures and hang out all day long for weeks at a time with their kids. They have plans for family field trips and crafts and such. They are giddy just thinking about it. I'm going to admit something here:

I'm not one of them.

The summer scares me. It makes me nervous. I feel like I don't know how to entertain my children all the time. I can only do it in short bits and bites. And then what? They'll go off for a while and play on their own but then it's back to mama. Mama, watch this. Mama, do that. Mama, play this imaginary game with me. Mama, read this book to me. Mama, mama, mama, mama.

I'm staring down the barrel of 10 weeks straight worth of mama, mama, mama.

People use the word "overwhelming" or "overwhelmed" quite a bit when discussing postpartum depression and its equally unpleasant cousins. Even though I'm years away from having postpartum OCD, and even though I adore being a mom to my children, I can still get that feeling of being overwhelmed. It's not like it was when I was sick, of course, but I sometimes have moments of feeling like it's all too much.

It's almost like I love them SO much and feel SO responsible for their every happiness that I'm full up and then it boils over and then … well, then I need space.And quiet. Does that sound horrible? I mean, if you know me, you know how much I adore my children. You know how, when I'm spending time with them, it is bona fide, grade-A, full-eye-contact QUALITY time. But after that mama has to be on her own for a while. It's like the intimacy that I feel is required is so energy-sapping that I can only do so much of it before I have to go refill myself in a solitary place.

I sometimes wonder if my introvertedness (is that a word?) and issues with intimacy are what makes it hard for me to get excited about the summer, and perhaps also contributed to my experience with postpartum OCD. Like I just don't know how to make it all perfect (did I say perfect? yes, I'm a guilty perfectionist), and I feel weighted down and guilty by the inability to meet perfection.

Am I the only one?

May 26, 2010 4:30 pm Filed Under: Postpartum Depression