Smell the Burnt Toast: Coming Together in A Postpartum Depression Support Group

By February 9, 2012

Today’s guest on Postpartum Progress is Gabrielle Kaufman. Gabrielle is a dance therapist, a postpartum depression support group leader, and one of the California coordinators for Postpartum Support International:

Each week I have the blessing of being present while new mothers gather in solidarity over postpartum depression. They may not see it that way, but I do. Bravely, they enter a room full of strangers when they are feeling their worst and most vulnerable to bare their souls. The courage it takes to risk so much when feeling so powerless, anxious, hopeless, and defeated touches me deeply. The mothers in the New Moms Connect group have chosen to come because they are searching for a way to feel better. Loneliness, panic, isolation, confusion and deep sadness are their companions and coming to group is a way to look for better company.

When a woman has a chance to share her story of postpartum depression, she often looks down. Her voice quiets and tears stream down her face. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way!” “I tried so hard to have her and now I just want to run away.” “What if I wasn’t meant to be a mom? Maybe he’d just be better off without me.” “I don’t love him, what’s wrong with me?” Statements like these are not openly expressed in most civilized settings. But when a women struggling with postpartum depression feels comfortable enough to expose these feelings in a group, they often evoke a strange combination of shame and relief followed by a moment of silence. This silence is not due to shock or horror at hearing these words. On the contrary, it comes from the realization by the other women in the room that they had once felt very much the same. Remembering that dark time may be excruciating, and may also serve as a reminder of how far they have come or maybe it comes from a fear of what might have been lost had they not sought help.

Today, I was able to witness the power of community again. Elena came to group for the first time. She could barely say her name before sobbing. “I am not sure I will make it through each day. I am so anxious and sad.” The women in the group listened with no judgment, only compassion. As her story of postpartum depression and anxiety unfolded, her new peers offered warm support and I witnessed some of their eyes welling up. “I felt just like you do. I sometimes hate that I needed to stop breastfeeding. I needed to take medication. But, I feel better now.” Elena looked around the room for the first time, “I have been looking for a group like this for months!”

The women offered up their struggles and coping skills. Traci showed a calendar, “I learned to write down one thing a day. When I am lonely, I look to see what I have on the calendar and it calms me.” Susan shared, “I learned the phrase ‘fake it ‘til you make it’ and somehow, it got me through.” Amy, who is often the most composed said, “Sometimes I feel like I am taking so many medications for postpartum depression and I hate myself for it. But I am better than I was, and I want to be a better mom, so I do it.” Michelle said, “When people offer to help, take them up on it!” Rita said, “I pick up the phone to call ANYONE just to have an adult conversation.”

I heard Elena breathe for the first time. “But I have one question that no one can seem to answer for me. How do you know if you are better?” I bit my tongue. Women always ask me this or ask how long it will take to get better. I have no crystal ball to look through and I am aware how frightening it is to feel overpowered by postpartum depression and anxiety. My only tool is my faith in the power to heal.

Fortunately, today, I didn’t need to speak. Amy spoke up first: “It happened gradually for me. I was feeling bad one day and I realized that I had actually felt better the day before. When I was at my worst point, I was thinking of killing myself. If I had one good day, it was an improvement.” Michelle piped in, “I finally really wanted to be with my baby. I knew I was better.” Then, Traci said, “Burnt toast!” The group all stopped to look at her.  Our curiosity piqued, she clarified, “One day, several months after my baby was born, I began to weep because I had burned toast. I told myself, ‘I can’t do anything right. I can’t even make toast right.’ But my husband came up to me and said, ‘Yes, you burned toast. But when you were really depressed, you didn’t do anything. At least today, you tried to make toast. Tomorrow you will make it without burning it.’” What impressed me most about Traci’s story was that she was able to receive the positive comments from her husband. And what I noticed in Elena’s eyes was a slight lifting. “Elena, maybe you are better than you think.” Susan said, “You made it here today, didn’t you?” Yes, indeed, she did.

Each week, as women return to group, come for the first time, and open up, I bare witness. Postpartum depression is real, but so is the healing of compassion and community. The little things are not little things at all. Maybe we just have to stop and smell the burnt toast.

February 9, 2012 1:10 pm Filed Under: Postpartum Depression

Georgia Offers Toll-Free Support Line for Moms With Postpartum Depression

By June 16, 2011

Mental Health America of Georgia has created a special “warmline” for all women in Georgia seeking peer support for perinatal mood and anxiety disorders like postpartum depression. Women throughout the state can now call the toll-free Project Healthy Moms Warmline at 1-800-933-9896 (x234), call the local Georgia number at 678-904-1966, or email PHMhelp@mhageorgia.org to contact a survivor who can provide emotional support and suggest appropriate resources. They ask that you please leave a message when you call the Warmline, and you will receive a personal response as soon as possible.

June 16, 2011 8:29 am Filed Under: Postpartum Depression

Thank You. Yes, YOU.

By June 2, 2011

Today, I looked at my inbox and realized I hadn't done that Federated Media thing, and the BlogAds thing, and I needed to reply to comments for my syndicated piece on BlogHer and also to the comments over at my ParentDish column, and I went to write my PD column that's due tomorrow but realized what I was writing wasn't gonna work, and several people have emailed me their Warrior Mom stories that I haven't had a chance to read, plus I owe the people in NJ info on my speech for next week except I haven't really written it yet, and I haven't uploaded Kate's post yet and I still haven't written that story about Sylvia Lasalandra's new book, and I still have to review the nominees for the Dosie Awards since I'm a judge, but I also have to follow up with that lady who hasn't responded to me about the Warrior Mom charms and that other person who hasn't responded about that other project, and oh crap I've got to write some more Daily Hopes because otherwise I'll get behind, and next week I have that speech here in Atlanta and the poor people at MHA are still waiting on me for info for that, and I need to schedule a conference call with the lady who is interested in that research on social media and health, and what about those provider tools I was working on, and please God don't let me forget the March of Dimes chat, and that's just some of the first page of emails on Gmail that I haven't dealt with, and don't even get me started on what a crappy job of fundraising I've done so far for Postpartum Progress the nonprofit, and there are about 45 yellow sticky notes on my desk where I've written down things I need to do except when am I gonna do those … and how the hell am I supposed to get any of this done when it's summer and my kids are home and … AAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So you know what I've been doing? Sitting here looking at your emails. So many of you have been so kind to take time to sit down and write to me about your experience here on Postpartum Progress and how this blog has helped you in some way. I save every single one (including yours Helen, Emily, Claire, Josey, Alena, Rebecca, Dorothy, Susan, Leslie, Megan, Alice, Ann, Melissa, Katie, Jill, Robin, Kristy, Elizabeth, Anna, Beth, Amy, Lauren, Michelle, Darlene, Stephanie, Raquel … and everyone else's … all of you.) Because on the days when I feel overwhelmed and like I'm COMPLETELY BLOWING IT IN A MAJOR WAY, like today, it's your words that keep me going and make me feel like every minute is worth it. So I just want to take a minute to stop everything and thank you — thankyouthankyouthankyou — from the bottom of my heart for your encouragement and your thoughtful words about Postpartum Progress. I cherish your words.

Now, don't go and make me cry about it, because I have work to do.

June 2, 2011 8:05 pm Filed Under: Causes

Finding Strength in Numbers During Postpartum Depression

By April 5, 2011

Nobody talks about the isolation that creeps up in early mama-hood. Before our babies are born, so many of us often imagine lines of people wanting to come and visit our new little bundles. And we also imagine wanting them to be there. We might assume that we will “live life as normal” and simply cart our little ones with us wherever we might want to go. And we also imagine that we will want to go places. There may be a few daydreams about getting together with our other friends who have little ones, just to gab about how wonderful motherhood is. And we also imagine that motherhood will be wonderful all of the time.

Once those babies are born, many moms — especially those who are suffering from a postpartum mood disorder like postpartum depression — find that they don’t want to engage in any of these previously mentioned activities, or they find they don’t have the energy to tackle the mountain of logistics that is needed just to get out the door. And if moms finally do manage to get to a place where they are in the company of others, many fear most of all that the people around them will see that they aren’t living all of their earlier fantasies and that in reality, well, they just aren’t happy.

Many moms spend countless hours alone with their babies, wondering if they are doing anything right. Worrying about milk quantities, sleep position, reflux and fussiness. They suffer alone in their world of frightening anxieties and uncertainties. Many of these moms get so used to their anxiety and their isolation that they begin to wonder if it is just part of what it means to be a new mom. And when someone mentions a New Moms Group? Well, for most of these moms it's the last thing that they want to do. For moms who are suffering with postpartum depression, being around other moms who are assumed to be having an easy time or who feel the need to talk at length about how incredible motherhood is feels like being sent straight to the boiler room.

But here is the thing: we actually know that groups, be they support groups, community groups, therapy groups, or mom and baby groups, are a really important part of the recovery process for many women who are suffering. When facilitated appropriately, getting together with other women who are feeling as isolated, anxious, overwhelmed, conflicted, powerless, lost, and exhausted as you can provide unmatched validation, support, education and encouragement. Groups of women offer the chance to truly express voice, to practice being real and to share strategies, successes and disappointments with others who get what you are going through. And perhaps often most healing is that chance to be in a group with those who, on the outside, you might assume have it all together but who, in reality, are sitting right there next to you with the same worries.

There may be potential benefit for your baby too. A study conducted at the Shanghai International Peace Maternity and Child Health Hospital (now, how’s that for a name!) has determined that maternal group psychotherapy not only reduces the risk of postpartum depression but also has an impact on the temperament of her baby. Moms who attended a 6-week psychotherapy group focusing on prenatal and postpartum depression and anxiety and the risk factors for prenatal and postpartum depression and anxiety reported a higher level of easy infant temperament than mothers in a control group. So, the group resulted in not just happier moms, but also happier babies (or at least the moms felt that way)!

So, I encourage you.. . give it a go. Postpartum Support International has coordinators in every state- many of whom have set up support groups for moms like you or know where the local ones are. (You can also check the list of postpartum depression support groups maintained by Postpartum Progress here.) And if you can’t find one? There is always the option of finding a trained professional to help you start one yourself. Those of you who have begun to tell your story have probably noticed that once you open your mouth, others chime in and share their stories too. Strength in numbers, my friends. You are all part of one great army of Warrior Moms.

Kate Kripke, LCSW

April 5, 2011 9:09 am Filed Under: Postpartum Depression

What Should People Do To Help You Get Through Postpartum Depression?

By February 22, 2011

When we came upon the subject of mental illnesses in nursing school, I was immediately captivated by the complexity of the human mind. I was so interested in the subject that I fully engaged myself in learningeverything thatthere was possiblyto know about mental illnessesso that when I walked onto the psychiatric ward to start my first clinical day, I was going to help people.

Then I met my first patient.
I left that clinical day feeling frustrated and helplessbecause I had all the concrete nursing knowledge in the world yet I didn't know how to help her. I also felt heartbroken for her and for every person with a mental illnessbecause I never knew the depths of pain a soul could experience until I saw it etched on their faces.
I still didn't fully understand that pain until I was diagnosed with postpartum depression.
To me, my depression is more than just feeling sad. It literally feels like my body has been plopped in the middle of a thick fog where every one of myhuman senses aremuffled. I can't see in front of me. I can't see behind me. Every step I take is with great trepidation because I don't know where I'm going andwhether I'm making a step forward or backwards or sideways.
Quite literally, I am lost. And sometimes it's just easier to not take a step at all so I stay where I was plopped, in the middle of chaos. That space is so terrifying, empty, and dreadfully alone.
So what can you do to help someone who is experiencing this?
For me, the single most important thing that someone can do is to just call, or visit, or email. This lets me know that you are stillwith me and even though I feel completely lost,that you are there fighting through this fog trying to find me.
Because fighting through this fog of postpartum depression takes a village of support and love and encouragement, and knowing that you are there WITH us means the world to us.
Oursupport systems need help, too, in knowing whatthey can do to help us. So what are some of those things? How they can better help you?
Kimberly
February 22, 2011 9:00 am Filed Under: Postpartum Depression, Support Groups

Suffering Postpartum Depression? Announcing Daily Hope

By January 10, 2011

postpartum depressionI am so excited to launch a new feature here at Postpartum Progress. It’s called Daily Hope. This service is specifically for those of you who are currently suffering from postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, postpartum OCD, antenatal depression or related illnesses.

I know that many of you don’t have access to support groups or the best specialists. You may not have people around you that understand postpartum depression. Need some extra hope each day from people who DO get it? Someone to shine a light towards the end of the tunnel? That’s Daily Hope! Sign up at the link below, and starting on Monday, January 17th, you will receive an email each day with some inspiration and encouragement for getting through perinatal mood & anxiety disorders (PMADs).

The messages will come from me, as well as leading authors and bloggers on PMADs, including:

So! To sign up for Postpartum Progress Daily Hope, click here.

Have a friend that you think could use this, or a patient? Be sure to let them know!! If you join, you can opt out (unsubscribe) at any time, and you are not required to give your last name.

Oh, and for you survivors and clinicians out there, if you’d like to join the people listed above and share your own favorite quote or other item of inspiration, send it to me at stonecallis [at] msn [dot] com, and your item may be included in a future Daily Hope email. Be sure to include a link to your blog or website in what you send to me, so that I’ll be able to link back to you if you’d like. (One caveat: Don’t send me a tidbit where you are trying to sell something, with the exception of course of your book. If you do, there’s no chance that it will be included in Daily Hope emails.)

I’m looking forward to providing some daily inspiration for everyone out there who is suffering at this very minute.

Daily Hope and Postpartum Progress the Blog are services of Postpartum Progress Inc. the Nonprofit, which is working to vastly improve the support and services available to women with perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, primarily through the use of technology.

January 10, 2011 8:50 am Filed Under: Postpartum Depression

Postpartum Depression & The Casserole Famine

By September 29, 2010

post partum depressionIt kind of sucks to have the “no casserole disease.”

Get in a car accident and everyone brings over a casserole. Survive a heart attack, break your leg, come down with pneumonia … casserole. Tuna casserole. Baked ziti. Chicken divan. That green bean casserole with the crunchy onions on the top.

We have the kind of illness that doesn’t portend people bringing potluck. I guess people don’t think mental illness is something you rally around.

I wonder how I would have felt if neighbors and friends had known what was wrong and come together to help me. Brought me food and flowers or funny DVDs. Sent cards. Stopped by. Mowed the lawn and done the dishes.

I imagine part of me would have been annoyed, truth be told, because I wanted to crawl into the deepest, darkest hole and hide. I didn’t want people to see me with unbrushed hair and unbrushed teeth, and welts under my eyes. I didn’t want to attempt to explain postpartum OCD when I myself didn’t understand it. I certainly didn’t want to cry or rage or sit emotionless before them, which would have been likely scenarios. I might have told them to go away and not have answered any phone calls. After all, what pregnant or new mother wants people to know she is miserable about something that is supposed to be joyous?

Given my anxiety, I probably couldn’t have even eaten a casserole anyway.

Then again, I might have felt loved. Wanted. I might have believed that what I was going through was an illness like any other, and that I was a good person who deserved the support of others. I might have been buoyed by the fact that they weren’t giving up on me, and thus led to believe I shouldn’t give up on myself.

Maybe.

What do you think? Would a casserole help with postpartum depression? Would the support of friends and neighbors make you feel better, or make you run for the hills?

September 29, 2010 9:36 pm Filed Under: Postpartum Anxiety, Postpartum Depression

One Day Love Will Blow Your Socks Off & You’ll Know That PPD Is No More

By September 22, 2010

Oh the mamas. The amazing mamas all over the place just laying it on the line and talking about PPD. Isn't it a great time to be living, where you have the opportunity through the web to be able to virtually meet women just like you? I think it is. Even 9 years post the postpartum OCD, I get so much out of hearing from fellow survivors.

There's Beth Anne, continuing her series on hospitalization for severe postpartum depression with a story on what it was like in the hospital. (By the way, if you'd like to read my story on hospitalization, here it is. Wish I'd been able to go to UNC. It certainly sounds better than my own experience.)

And Kimberly … wow. Love this story about not being able to love and then loving SO MUCH. I know it's hard to imagine that will be you some day. Just wait. You'll see. As Kimberly describes, it'll blow your socks off.

And Emily, who's still in the middle of all this horrible postpartum depression misery and needs our support. She reminds me how many mothers come into this illness every day and need our love and prayers.

One of my most favorite features of PP, one that goes back to the early days, is being able to share with you the words of others. Don't just read mine, or Alexis'. Whenever you get the chance, see what other moms are saying. I think it really reinforces just HOW MANY women go through this, and just HOW SIMILAR their experiences are to yours, even if they're not exactly the same.

September 22, 2010 8:16 pm Filed Under: Postpartum Depression, Warrior Moms

Help for Dads: Get Answers To Your PPD Questions TONIGHT!

By September 13, 2010

Postpartum Support International is hosting it's free Phone Forum for Dads tonight: Monday, September 13, 2010, 8pm Eastern Time

“Chat with an Expert” is a place where dads, partners, extended family members or other support people, and professionals can find some answers and support from an expert- and from other men. You’ll find honest talk about the adjustment to parenthood, information about how fatherhood can affect you, and some helpful advice. You can join the call to talk or just to listen to others discuss resources, symptoms, options and general information with an experienced member of Postpartum Support International. Talk from the privacy of your own home and there is no need to pre-register or give your name.

This month’s forum is facilitated by Susan Dowd Stone, MSW, LCSW. Susan is an author, presenter, advocate, adjunct lecturer at NYU, and is in private practice specializing in women’s reproductive mental health at www.PerinatalPro.com.

Theseevents for dads only happen once a month, so make sure tojoin in tonight!

Go to this link for the phone number and more information about the forum. http://postpartum.net/Resources/PSI-Chat-with-an-Expert.aspx#chats_for_men

September 13, 2010 8:52 am Filed Under: Help for Fathers, Postpartum Depression

Words Have Power: How Being Supportive Can Transform A Life

By September 2, 2010

Words have so much power. It blows my mind, really.

Say something negative or minimizing to a pregnant or new mother struggling with depression or anxiety and you can plunge her so much deeper into despair. Tell her that you understand and that you know she can get through it, on the other hand, and you raise her up and help her see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Just look at the transformation of Iman, who blogs at Glamour Girl and is suffering from postpartum depression and anxiety:

I'm TOTALLY going to talk now. Because there are some amazing women out there TALKING about it, naming the illness and walking their talk. They give me the strength to find my voice again. In the past few days I had two wonderful women tell me that I'm not alone. They've shared a bit of what they've gone through. Since speaking with them the war in my mind against myself has quieted. I feel less damaged, more whole. I can't believe how much power their words have had. With lots of thought and consideration of the many silent mothers out there, I've decided to share how I'm feeling in the thick of it, the highs of hearing my boy laugh for the first time, and the lows of overwhelming sadness.

Wow. Thank you Iman, for your bravery in speaking out about what you are going through. You are paying it forward, and there is no doubt that your own words will help transform someone else's life.

September 2, 2010 8:38 am Filed Under: Postpartum Anxiety, Postpartum Depression, Warrior Moms
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