Trigger warning: This post contains some references to miscarriage.
Often, I find myself telling my story of life with and after postpartum depression (and postpartum OCD, and postpartum anxiety, and postpartum PTSD… darned comorbidity). I love to tell my story. I also love to listen to the stories of other people. Over time, I have come to realize that it’s easy to fall into a trap of saying or insinuating that [this] is what worked for me and so you should do what I did; it worked for me and it will work for you.But one of the things I have come to realize is that no two stories are the same. And it’s not just that no two people’s stories are the same, no two stories are the same even for an individual person. Even if there are similarities, there will still be differences. This certainly holds true for treatment options and strategies.
I have had four pregnancies. Three of those ended with live births, one ended in miscarriage. They also all had different mental health situations, outcomes, and treatments. I have one story, in the sense that it is the story of my life, but that one story contains smaller individual stories, and they don’t all follow the same template.
The first story
My first story is that of my oldest child. In April 2009, after a very long and difficult labor, I gave birth to a beautiful little baby girl. Unfortunately, life was not the idyllic fairy tale of storybooks and I found myself suffering a nasty case of postpartum mood and anxiety disorders. I was officially diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety, and had missed diagnoses of postpartum OCD, postpartum PTSD, and hypothyroidism. I believe I also had some antenatal depression that went undetected. (I didn’t even know that was a thing until a while down the road). That story involved 2 inpatient hospital stays, 9-ish months of Celexa, Ativan, and Ambien, and seeing a therapist. That was what was necessary and what worked for that story. Ultimately, an overdue diagnosis of hypothyroidism resulted in me starting on Levthyroxine (thyroid medication), which resolved my PPMD about as promptly as you could hope for, almost literally overnight.
The second story
In April 2011, I gave birth again, to another beautiful little baby girl. This time, in consideration of my history, I had started on Zoloft at 38 weeks pregnant as a prophylactic measure, and also had my thyroid levels (TSH and T-4) checked pretty much monthly during the pregnancy and again after giving birth. This second time, there were no problems and life was pretty rosy.
The third story
In September 2012, I gave birth to a very unexpected beautiful baby boy (let’s just say that it’s important to keep in mind that a 99% effectiveness rate for birth control still leaves 1% for whom it is not effective). This time, I had a number of things going on during pregnancy that were extremely stressful, and ended up starting Zoloft at about 35 weeks instead of the planned-for 38 weeks. However, I still didn’t really have major issues afterwards and everything resolved itself fairly quickly without further intervention.
The fourth story
The fourth story is my ongoing one, which I wrote about yesterday. In April 2014, I miscarried the twins I was carrying as a gestational surrogate. It’s been a tough road. The emotional aftermath of pregnancy loss is no joke. I haven’t had a need for medication this time; therapy alone has been very useful in helping me deal with postpartum adjustment and the grief and trauma that 2014 brought me.
Four different stories. Four different treatment plans. Four different outcomes. And that’s all for the same one person: me. If my situations don’t even follow a predictable formula, why would I expect that anyone else would have the exact same situation/needs as me or even the exact same situations for their own individual different situations and stories? I can’t. We can’t.
It is so vital to remember this. My story isn’t yours and your story isn’t mine. Our brains, bodies, and situations are different. It’s okay if and when we react differently to similar circumstances and situations; it’s even to be expected. The danger is when we start to insist that someone should follow our advice and not consider any other method because it worked for us. There is no guaranteed cure or prevention for PPMD (dear GOD do I wish there were). We must all keep this in mind and be gentle in dealing with ourselves and with other people. We must remember that we are all unique individuals with unique brains, situations, needs, and stories. We must love each other and ourselves to remember that not all situations are the same.
