Trigger warning: The following post is one which discusses pre-term and neonatal loss and the process that many women and families go through when they have lost a baby. If you are feeling vulnerable at this time and this post does not speak to your experience, consider not reading it as it may cause you distress at a time when you are trying to regain strength.
It is an experience that many will never need to make sense of and also one that many others will swim through unexpectedly. It is tragic and drastic and totally and completely unfair and yet thousands upon thousands of families find themselves in this position each year. Here is what we know:
- Approximately 15-20% of confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage.
- In the US, the rate of stillbirth is documented as 1 in 160-200 pregnancies.
- In the US, the rates of SIDS affects between 5,000-7,000 infants every year.
- In the US, approximately 11,300 infants die within 24 hours of their birth each year.
I give these statistics not to scare you, but because it is important for those mothers who have lost their children to know that they are not alone; to know that there are many others out there who are needing to navigate this loss too.
I have worked with countless women in my office as they try to manage the unfamiliar emotions that surround loss, and I have learned a great deal from these phenomenal moms. I also have a dear friend and colleague who lost her daughter hours after birth and she, too, has honored me with her insight, pain, and eventual healing.
With the information gathered from both my clients and my dear friend (who is now a clinician in San Francisco specializing in perinatal loss), this post is written for all of the moms out there who are trying to navigate the unfamiliar postpartum experience while also grieving the loss of a child that never made it home or past that first year mark. For these moms, postpartum distress is complicated by the process of grief, and sometimes it is hard to make sense of what goes where in this unimaginable puzzle.
So, if you are one of these women, here is what I want you to know:
1. Some women who lose babies through miscarriage are able to move through this loss freely, while others feel deep despair at this loss. There are no “shoulds” in this. No right way to feel. If you feel strong and grounded and ready to move forward after a miscarriage that is totally valid. If you feel deep loss and grief then that, too, is appropriate. No one gets to tell you how you feel except you.
2. Any time a body goes from being pregnant to not being pregnant, there is a significant shift in hormones that can affect brain chemistry. Postpartum depression, anxiety, and other mood disorders can affect a mom regardless of the point at which a baby is delivered. You are likely in a position where you need to process through grief while also having a vulnerable brain chemistry. This can make the experience of healing feel impossible for many.
3. Grief is a normal process and includes a shifting of emotions such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Grief felt after the loss of a baby from miscarriage or other event is not necessarily depression and while there may be some overlap, it should not be treated as such. If you feel angry one day and dissociated from your loss the next, this is normal.
4. If you are not aware of a shifting through the stages of grief and continue to feel debilitated by your suffering, there may be an element of clinical depression or anxiety that needs to be addressed. “Healthy” grief moves, but sometimes it can develop into relentless depression that requires more specific treatment. Many moms will experience depression that includes feelings of guilt, shame, self-doubt, and sometimes suicidal ideation. Regaining a sense of self, hope, and trust is important to one’s healing after a loss such as this.
5. Identity shifting is a huge piece of the postpartum experience for every new parent, and yet moms who lose their babies are not able to show the world their mother-ness. If you feel like a mom, and yet are not able to participate in the experiences that the mothers around you are included in, know that this is a shared experience and that, whether or not the world can see this, we value you as a mother too.
6. Loss can often beget feelings of loss. Many women who lose their babies become suddenly afraid of losing everything else, be it their sanity, other relationships important to them, their faith in the world, or any hope for the future. Many, many women who go through this loss feel a deep need to grab onto other things in their life for fear of losing those, too. If this is happening to you, let those close to you know.
7. Relationships with spouse/partner, family, and friends will be impacted by your loss. It is important to be aware of the tendency to isolate during this time. Receiving appropriate support will be imperative in your healing and there may be work to do in relearning your relationships given this new reality. If you are unable to get the support that you need from loved ones, reach out to a therapist who can help.
8. While you desperately want your spouse/partner to understand what you are going through, he/she may not. People grieve differently. Often, losing a baby is a very different experience for a mother than it is for her partner, as she was the one who felt the development of this baby and feels, still, the physical loss as her body adjusts to no longer being pregnant. Give space for your own process as well as your partner’s.
9. You are likely to learn who your truest friends are during this time. Some people’s insecurities and fears around loss and tragedy may interfere with their ability to be there for you. It is entirely appropriate for you to spend time with those who are able to give you what you need, and to take distance from those who do not.
10. It is normal to feel triggered into sadness and despair when you least expect it. You may find reminders in the places where you least intend them to be. Seeing other pregnant women, babies, holidays and anniversaries, playgrounds, doctor’s offices, advertisements for baby-related items all may bring you to tears even when you feel strong. This is normal.
11. People don’t always know what to say. Many of you will want desperately to talk about your babies, to bring them to life through your words and memories, to make room for them in conversation and in your experiences. Some people will worry that bringing your baby and your loss in conversation will be upsetting to you. It is helpful to let the people in your life know what you need.
12. Just because you are ready to feel whole again, are healing, and may decide to have more children, this does not mean that the baby who you lost is forgotten. Regaining strength does not mean that you have “moved on” and will no longer think of what might have been. Your pregnancy and your baby will always be a part of you. However, you deserve to be well and the feeling that you must keep grieving in order to stay faithful to your baby will not serve you. Finding a way to honor your pregnancy or your baby through ritual or event is often a lovely way of incorporating that being into your life as you move forward.
13. And finally, find others who have experienced something similar. As mentioned so many times on this blog, community is imperative and I am certain that there are others out there who can offer you the kind of solace, strength, and integrity that you will need as you continue to heal.
~ Kate Kripke, LCSW
Other stories and information about grief and depression after stillbirth, miscarriage or other loss that you might find helpful:
- What Is the Difference Between Grief & Depression After Pregnancy Loss?: This story includes a list of organizations that specialize in supporting moms who have experienced loss such as miscarriage or stillbirth.
- The Blurred Lines Between Depression and Grief After a Loss, written by Jessica Watson, a mom who has been through perinatal loss.
- 3 Ways to Support Women Who’ve Experienced Miscarriage or Stillbirth.
Thank you for this today. I have suffered two miscarriages and I never grieved them properly. I blew them off because I didn’t want the pity (in fact, no one but my husband knew about the 2nd one until we got pregnant with my son). It’s hard to talk about and have people understand.
I just miscarried monday and i ddint even know i was pregnant untill it was tol late. I feel robbed, like i never got to be a mother. I feel guilty because it would only have been 4weeks old and that im not sure how to feel. I wish i had know , i feel like i dont have the right to grieve because it was only 4 weeks and i didnt even know I was pregnant. Im also scared to approach sex again but before it was such a big part pf my life before and ive been so hormonal and I’ve wanted it since the miscarriage and i feel so ashamed. I shouldn’t want sex because i just lost a baby i didnt even know i had.
Crissy, I’m sorry for your loss. I think it’s completely appropriate to separate the feelings you feel about your miscarriage and the fact that you still have desire to be with your partner. And, you have every right to grieve no matter how far along you were. Your feelings are your feelings…you get to decide what you feel…no one else does.
I am so sorry for your loss Crissy. Take care of yourself and nurture yourself in which ever way is good and safe for you. Sex is a big part of life, it is embracing life!
You are still a mother to a angel baby, it is normal to want to sex because of hormones and your sex drive. You still have a right to grieve. Nothing will cover or erase this baby. You will always be a mother.
Crissy I am so sorry for your loss , I am a mother of 3 & my husband so badly wanted 1 more as my youngest is his only child & I just found out I misscarried in the middle of a very stressful time in my life & at first I thought I was going to be ok I didn’t know I was pregnant either I had so much going on and it never crossed my mind that I could be after 3 yrs of trying & nothing ever happened but turned out I was & I started having pain & I told my husband I thought it felt like labour it carried on for over a week & now I am really snappy or on the verge of tears I don’t know what to make of it , doesn’t seem like I should be this way since I didn’t know until to late … I just spent the day with 4 babies at our family dinner and tried my best to hold it together and I did but my husband noticed a changed in me..when it rains it pours
Crissy i mc too oct 1st….i was 6weeks 6 days….im sorry for yr loss…it has been difficult on me too bc i feel like no one understands just bc i didnt ever hold my baby. But i feel such loss, pain, hurt. Like you said robbed. I feel lack of interest. im in nursing school now so everytime i see an expectant mother i think about my baby or when i hear the luliby over ther intercom announcing a new baby arrival. I just wonder why this have to happen to me….i have u in my prayers. im so sorry and wish i could ease yr pain.
I am praying for you.
wish I’d had some of this info back in the 90’s. Had 4 losses, two in first trimester, two IUFD’s @19 wks. Clinical depression for 18 mo. and had 3 littles to care for. Learned some of these the hard way; now stay on the look-out for others going through a loss.
Thank you Katie for this post. And Kathrine, thank you for your efforts to continually help baby loss moms. You do such a good job of recognizing the similarities and stark differences between PPD and baby loss, honoring those differences and helping. I’m continually impressed and proud to know you.
Thank you, Kate. Those are very helpful suggestions.
This is such helpful and reassuring advice. I’ve just come home from hospital after an awful 10 days that ended in 2x unsuccessful medically managed treatments & emergency surgery at 11.5 weeks. I’m a mess right now & awful images that I’ve seen fill my head when I try to sleep. I’ve been worrying about the fragility of life & losing the rest of my family, so point 6 makes me feel like I’m not going crazy. Thanks so much for posting this.
My babys father didn’t even show any love after my miscarriage . Felt very alone. So so hard
My husband never gave me the time to grieve after my miscarriage. He showed very little concern or compassion. It has pretty much ruined our relationship. I lost my baby over 9 years ago and his tratment of me during that time will never be forgotten. You’re right. It’s so, so hard. I wish you well and will say a prayer for you.
I also upset that I was very sad after having the misscarriage. It seemed as if the baby’s father didn’t care. He said he was sad but I think he just said it because I am so sad. He never shed a tear, but I cried till I had no tears left. I too feel alone and angry.
This is exactly what I’m dealing with right now. I feel aline. I just signed paperwork today to go to therapy soon. Wish me luck…
Good luck, Ladybug. Reaching out isn’t easy, but you will be so happy you did.
Ì lost 4 babies to miscarriage. My own mother did not understand my grief and she was source of distress for me. She would tell me how easy her 7 pregnancies were and she didn’t lose any of her babies. She didn’t get why I was so devastated. My husband, mother in law and my Dad got me through those tragedies. I still think about those babies.
I know how you feel 🙁
Thank you for using gender neutral language in this post and allowing it to speak to all couples experiencing this loss. There are so many posts on miscarriage out there that have made me feel isolated the moment they mentioned how my ‘husband’ could be feeling.
Thank you for saying that Brandi. We really try to make sure we talk about spouses and partners. Husbands and partners. Whatever. If you see us doing differently, let us know ASAP so we can fix it!! It’s important to us that all moms feel welcome and supported here.
Thanks a lo for this. Had a miscarriage in 2005 at 20weeks, in 2013 february lost my beautiful angel lydia 16hrs after she was born at 32wks. We. Broke up with my partner recently coz our grieving was soo different we couldnt communicate. He shut himself in a cocoon and i was too emotional and crying a lo of times we would try to talk. He just went quiet.
My husband and I miscarried 2 yrs ago then a year later to the day preg again..she only lived 26 days its been a month since she past..we have 4 boys so we were so excited..my husband as well has shut down or gets angry out of nowhere and takes it out on me..I cry and blame myself everyday when I talk to him he just gets so mad at me…at first we were on the right spiritual path knowing God needed both our girls but now its going deeper down hill everyday..I dont know what to do…
Have you reached out for help Stephanie? You and your husband have been through such a big trauma, and there’s nothing that says you need to figure out how to get through this on your own. There are support groups for parents who have lost their children — people who can help. Like this one: http://unspokengrief.com/ And this one: http://www.silentgrief.com/ And this one: http://www.firstcandle.org/
I hav just left hospital gave birth to our 23 week old baby lastnite 11dec died early labour and at start year jan 3rd 2014 we lost our beatiful perfect baby girl at 36 weeks pregnant still birth.i didnt lok at my baby lastnite an dnt knw wether to or not before gets cremated.i dont know how im going get thru this all i want is to hav a live healthy baby.so sad words cant describe the pain.
Im so sorry Melissa, I too gave birth dec 6th and lost our son at 24 weeks. I am so distraught, i have been diagnosed with post partum anxiety……..i have a hole so deep in my heart….My thoughts and prayers are with you
so sorry for both of your losses, unimaginable sadness, take care Naomi
Hi Melissa,
I truly understand what you are going through. I lost my twins after giving them birth on 13 th Dec 2014. I pray that we should be blessed with healthy child very soon. Take care. This loss cant be recovered and this pain is forever. We cant describe it. Take care.
hi Melissa, i know exactly what you are going through. it’s been almost six weeks since i lost our son at twenty five weeks. i still see him whenever i close my eyes at night.. he was so tiny, and looked so much like his father. i am still grieving..and it is so hard. but, im trying to be strong because i know that he is in a better place right now. so, just hang in there. we can get through this together.
I know I’m just over a year late on this comment but tomorrow will mark 6 weeks since I said goodbye to sweet baby Claire, I was 25+5 days. My firstborn, I have dreamed of becoming a mother since I was a little girl. My heart and soul ache for her though I believe she is now an angel who watches over me. My grief is inconsistent but hits me like tidal waves, I feel like nothing can make me happy again. My husband and I were such a strong front after Claire died but now I find myself stuck in the sadness and almost resentful when my husband is happy and laughing. I want to feel that way too but I feel frozen in time, like this sadness and longing for Claire is endless. I just want my baby back but I know that cannot be. So I will forge on for her and for me and pray that I will see light at the end of the tunnel.
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories, they bring me a sense of companionship that can be hard to find.
Love to you all in our journey of grief.
i had one miscarriage last month and im having hard time now
Thank you your suggestions are helpful
I think I am still trying to come to terms with my miscarriage two years ago at 16 weeks. I had 1 year old at the time who is now 3 and I was extremely lucky to fall pregnant again and now have a gorgeous little 1 year old. Even though I know we are extremely lucky I won’t let myself forget what happened and think about what could have been quite a lot and I do feel like I’m punishing myself yet at the same time trying my best not to remember what happened I didn’t let myself grieve and I’m worried this could be a cause of my up and down mood swings x
Thank you for this, it was exactly what I needed today, particularly #12. I had a miscarriage recently and have felt such deep sadness and despair. The last several days I have begun to feel more positive and upbeat but anytime I start feel as though the sadness is easing and I think about trying to get pregnant again, I also feel guilty for “moving forward” as if I am forgetting our baby. #12 spoke directly to me and the article as a whole was so helpful. I hope more people who are coping come across this post.
Wow. Great article. It helps to know that the things that I have gone through (and am going through now) are normal. I’ve recently suffered 2 m/c (Sept 2013 & Jan 2014), the last one ending in a very intense ER stay. While I am healing and feeling more peace every day, I am SERIOUSLY struggling with #6 & #10. I am having panic attacks and have felt very terrified of any harm coming to my husband, daughter, myself and other loved ones. I often cannot sleep at night, laying awake in a terrible panicked fear of death and loss. Much of the time I am ok….but other times, I just feel this terrible sadness. I’ve always been very in charge of my emotions, faith and outlook on life. Yes, I still feel that life is amazing. I still embrace every day with an open mind and heart, happy for the blessings I have been given, but I just can’t seem to shake this sadness that creeps into my heart.
Perfect timing of coming across this article. I too suffered a loss in Sept 2013 and January 2014. These past few weeks I have been anxious – I think I never allowed myself to grieve. I reached out to a therapist and so far so good. Thanks for writing this!
Thank you. I struggle with # 10, more so because i found out I was pregnant the same day a coworker did. I had my miscarriage in February and now seeing her pregnancy progress normally while mine ended is quite painful. Im happy for her as well as my niece who is now pregnant but it feels me with such sadness.
I’m so sorry for your loss Elizabeth. ~ K
Hi Elizabeth,
So very sorry to hear of your loss. Went through the same thing at work. New job, no booze, another colleague slipped that her daughter-in law was pregnant at the same time. Having to cancel celebrations is tough. It is like losing someone when you are young, that until you have been in that awful club, you just don’t get it.
I had my rather traumatic event (Christmas Day will always remind me of it), and last week my poor colleague, as a near-granny, went through it.
Take care of you,
Yuki
Dee. I too am so very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how much strength it took for you to keep going to work and being reminded of your precious loss. I am so sorry that you have to go through that. I myself have experienced three precious losses. My first was due 9/27/11. My second was due 10/11/12. And my third was due 5/4/13. It has been a whirlwind to say the least. It wasn’t really until I lost my third one that I really realized I did not give myself time to grieve my first two children. So once realizing this (with the help of a counselor), I have been allowing myself to go through the grieving process. But among so many different situations, the most hurtful feeling I have is feeling a sense of resentment toward my niece who has had her baby. I was was loosing my second child while I had to plan and put her baby shower together. I was just dealing with my second D&C when I found out she had her child five days later. And when she came home (she lives out of town) for the first time with her baby, I was the one that had to pick them up from the airport and be with them for the weekend until it was time for them to go back. Now…………….she is expecting her second child the same month my second child is due. Its been hard and heavy grieving for my children. But what makes it even harder is having someone so close to you having success birthing their children while your children had never been seen, touched, smelled or even heard (with the exception of the sonogram). It hurts to loose your children, but the person who I am having challenges with as I see her grow her family is someone who I helped raised throughout her life as if she were my own. As I think about it over and over, I have come to the conclusion to help myself, is to be reminded that I have no desire to be envious of my “own child”…the person I helped raise. But sometimes its hard.
Since I lost my three children in the span of two years only being married for four years, its been so hard. trying to begin new life with my husband while watching our children die in the process. I had the idea of having to go on sometimes, meaning wanting to feel optimistic or positive. But I know I need to for Me. My husband has been a a great blessing from the Lord in helping and acknowledge my grieving process, but I feel that perhaps I not doing as good as I think I should. I guess what it all boils down to is…….I find myself having to reestablish my life with new goals, new dreams as well as new realities and to tell you the truth It’s Hard! Sometimes I just don’t want to because it feels more comfortable sitting in my own unhappiness. Sometimes I get so edgy and irritable whenever something does not go right for me..Some big as a getting a new job to my hair style not looking just right for the day. I feel that I am consumed with thinking that everyone else’s life is so much better than mine that I feel sucked up in a monster sized whirlwind. Right now I feel sad in my heart. I feel broken in my spirit. But by the grace of God, I can say that level of intense pain is not as painful as before and the frequency of my tears aren’t as frequent. But I still feel like I am no longer the person who I was,. I am know trying to accept our losses and stop tryin to feel like I was prior to 2011. Although I know each person has their own journey to go through, I have decided to not rush mine (so I can become truely healthy from the inside out) but on the other hand I have also decided to take time on purpose to think about my children whether through prayer, or what I wanted to make the nursery with to anything else I can think of. Its been a hard road, but I do tell myself sometime if my children were here…i know I would tell them “go through the process, but don’t give up on your dreams”.
I still have a dream of having a family with my husband. And since we have decided to no longer try naturally, we are heavily thinking about adoption. Although right now we are not 100% sure we are going through the process to see if it for us. yes I am scared of this because my first instinct tells me that somewhere down the line, i’ll have another loss of a child. Whether it be not finding a right match for my husband and I or realizing that perhaps my heart may be too damaged to want to love another child again. But that decision will come in time..We are in prayer for our losses as well as our possible gain.
Dee, I am praying for you
I had a miscarriage 2 days ago and I feel so empty and alone. I blame myself and wish it was all a bad dream.
Oh Starr, I’m so sorry. Have you found help and support in your community to help you? Please know that you don’t have to try and get through this by yourself.
Hi starr, I has a mc 2 weeks ago. My first pregnancy and feeling exactly the same. My husband is working I/s as well which had made it worse. I pray that we both recover from this and go on to have a wonderful pregnancy and healthy baby xx
I am going through same thing hun, I’m sorry u r to. I dnt know who to talk to because was so early I just keep thinking that I am overreacting…anyone feel same pleass let me know…
You are definitely not overreacting. (I have wondered the same thing about myself too) I feel a little silly actually sometimes, and then a strong sense of loss. I am 40 years old with an 18 yr old and a 15 year old. I love them dearly. I thought I was beginning menopause only to find out that I was pregnant. This was Thurs. On Monday I had a dr appt to find out how far I really was and all looked great. No spotting, cramping or anything. Felt great. Tuesday’s ultrasound pulled the rug from me. The baby stopped developing at 5 weeks but my body wouldn’t let it go. We elected to do a MVE that day since there obviously was no hope. I felt kind of silly because I only knew for less than a week. It was a surprise-almost an “oh no..what are we going to do?” That only lasted less than an evening. Went into “mommy” mode quickly. I think my hardest thing now is re-accepting that my childbearing days are gone. I was really ok with menopause before. We had our future planned out. Now I am a total mess and it’s very difficult to accept. I just keep hoping that time heals quickly because I cry everyday and the stupidest things trigger it out of the blue. I am sorry for your loss and I wish you (all of you) the best of luck and a peace of mind and soul.
Hi Angela,
The same thing happened to me I am 40 have three kids 19,18, & 15.
I found out in April I was preg. After 15 years! I knew for two weeks and at the six week checkup there was no HB was told it was a missed misscarrige. Had a d&c three weeks later. I still felt preg. Guess what?! There was a twin that was missed by the sono inside also not viable. I miscarried it naturally a sono showed there was still leftover tissue. I ended up having another D&c again in August. So had two d&c & tons of greif. It felt like the horror wasn’t ending. I already made peice with not having more. Now I’m having a very rough time. I know exactly how you feel. If you want to email let me know! HUGS xx
I understand your feelings, Angela. I wrote about my loss too and we have some similarities. I have 3 kids -18, 14 and 10. I got pregnant on purpose after years of working to avoid it. I was ecstatic but had a mis carriage at 6 weeks 2 days. It’s been terrible, and I too was okay with the end of childbearing before this loss. Now it just seems like another huge loss. I would like to communicate via email, too, as Yides suggested. No pressure. I haven’t met anyone who has a similar story. I am also having lots of problems with my family. Although my husband is not really interested in trying again, he has been my strongest support.
I don’t know where to start. I just had my 7th miscarriage (all were in the last 10 years). We had been trying for 16 months straight with fertility treatments. I was taking all the appropriate medications right away under the care of a high risk specialist. Right before Christmas I had the 6 week ultrasound, everything looked great, heartbeat, baby and all. One week later all was fine still. At 8 1/2 weeks though the ultrasound showed that the baby had died. D&C followed and I am so depressed. I have 4 children ages 12,8,5, and 2. I feel like I can’t care for them any more, I feel afraid to live. I don’t want to take the antidepressant my dr has prescribed for me, most of my friends are avoiding me. My husband is buried in work and works weekly out of state. What to do next? Nothing makes me feel better, I am sad, confused, and feel lonely. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.
Anne – I’m so sorry for your loss. You need to reach out for some professional help if you feel you are afraid to live. You don’t have to suffer like this. If you aren’t sure yet about the medication, what about speaking with a counselor? It can be so healing to share some of these difficult feelings with someone who will truly listen and support you.
Thank you for connecting with me, Becky. I appreciate your advice and will try to find a counselor. As I heard last week in church I should delight in my sufferings….I am having a hard time doing that. I need to accept what I can’t change but I truly can’t rejoice in my circumstances. Not that I feel alienated by our pastor – I understand his point – but the sermon does not help me with my grief. I have been contemplating acupuncture to relieve the depression; the medications don’t work, they only remove me strangely from my feelings. I believe a good counselor will be helpful for me. Thanks again for caring and your kind reply to my post.
Thanks for writing this article, it really spoke to me. I suffered a miscarriage 10 days ago. This was my second one- first was April 2009. My emotions are all over the place: I sometimes feel disconnected from the event, other times I feel anger and sometimes intense sadness especially if I think about getting pregnant again. For the past few days I just feel lost. My partner and family are there for me but I feel alone with my feelings. As if no one truly understands me.
I had a miscarriage on the 31st of May 2014 at 6wks.I knew I was pregnant 6 days before that and I was super excited cos I and hubby tried to get preggy for 3 months now.since I miscarried,my family n husband has bin dear for me and they all say ‘u’ll hav another one’ in a bid to comfort me.some say ‘it wasn’t too far along’.It may sound funny but am seriously grieving.am I wrong to feel dis way since d baby was just six weeks old.I just feel a deep despair I can’t explain.
I am feeling the exact same way… I saw ur post and it is exactly what I have been going thru hun. I’m sorry because it is harder than I ever thought…
Thankyou I had a missed miscarriage on Tuesday, I am noe concerned that I cannot go through this again and as a result concerned that my partner may see it as a deal breaker. He has been incredible and made me fall in love with him all over again. I can’t move forward with out him. Makes me feel better to know it is a normal part of grief.xx
I’m just starting to read this and wow I got through the first 2 and was blown away. I had my miscarriage on 2/14/14 so it’s still very fresh to me. I have started counseling because I thought I could too just blow this off or replace it with something else like a vacation…that didn’t work the grief is still very much alive. Reading these posts from all of you too has just made me breathe again. I am so sorry for all of your losses as with mine. There is no pain (emotional or physical) that I have ever endured in my life. ((((HUGS)))) to all.
I’m so very sorry for your loss Peggy. I’m glad, though, that you found us and can see you are definitely not alone.
I’m sorry for your loss
your not alone 🙁 i had one 3 months ago and its hard…:(
Thank you for this. I had a terrible mc at 20 weeks, which followed by 5 wks of complications. 5 months after I unexpectantly fell pregnant but my joy was short lived as I mc at 11 wks, and hemoraged quite severely that I needed a d&c. I had another mc in 2010, but 4 months after fell pregnant and had a beautiful healthy boy. He and my husband are my rock. I have been so strong throughout all of this, however since my last mc 2 wks ago today it really affected me at my friend’s sons 1st bday party. I just broke down in tears. Has anyone thought of getting away for a while to get away from it all? I honestly believe it will help. I would love your opinion. Thank you.
Hi Jess, I can tell you from my own experience that I did do just that. I had my mc Feb 14, 2014 my husband and 3 daughters went to FL at the beginning of April. I went there with the impression it would “fix” everything and “fix” me. The vacation was wonderful and I could breathe that week but then we came home and everything was still there. My feelings came back, my emotional and physical self came back. You can’t run. The break was wonderful!! I however didn’t start to feel someone what better until I went and got help. I see a counselor now and maybe that’s not the road for everyone but for me it seems to be giving me light. For one it lead me to this website. My “homework” from my counselor was to look on the net for articles regarding “grieving a mc”…that’s what I did. This site has helped me immensely!! I find for myself looking for blogs much like this rather than medical articles has been more helpful. I am not healed but I am on the road to acceptance and forgiving myself. (((HUGS))) to you and I hope your journey will bring you light, hope and acceptance
Thank you story has given me the hope I’ve been searching after a Miscarriage June 2014 and having to let go of my dying baby now ..I’ve been asking myself am I suppose to be a mom ..seeing your post has given me hope that God will give me a healthy baby just not now ..
Thanks for posting this. I had a miscarriage in March 2014 and while I’ve been feeling much better, today has been a really tough day. It’s good to hear about others people’s experiences.
As much as I think I am OK, I am still grieving the loss of 2 miscarriages. One in November 2013 and the second in April 2014. I find that I just can’t quite get back the joy I once had. Seeing other babies remind me of what I lost and I sometimes come to tears.
I have 2 healthy beautiful children and feel guilty that they are not enough. I know I haven’t had the time to grieve and will be starting therapy soon. I feel a lot of anxiety and emotions just flood me sometimes.
I found this post searching for ways to cope with grief. Thanks for writing it.
I am so glad I came across this site. I suffered a m/c last week June 11th at 8 weeks…my first pregnancy. I am 33 and I had no symptoms and went to my first appt to be told there was no heartbeat and I would miscarry. I started bleeding as soon as I got home from appt. my husband hAs been my rock. We are not giving up but this will not make getting pregnant again any easier. Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories it has helped me so much.
Your post speaks to me…just had my second mc in July and already have 3 children. Really having a hard time with all of the emotions I have…
Had a miscarriage 2 days ago. My life will never be the same again. No words can begin to describe what I’m feeling. Don’t know how I’ll ever move on from this.
I had mine two days ago. How are you? I need soneone to connect with who has been there before me. I am devastated
You all seem so strong. I wish i had your strength. All I’ve ever wanted was a family but I wasn’t ready with a partner/fiance until 2 years ago. We thought we needed to hurry & try because of our ages. I had 2 natural pregnancies both resulting in miscarriage and 1 failed IVF and 1 successful IVF resulting in miscarriage. Worse the Dr says there’s nothing wrong with me. That it just must be my age… total despair.. I feel depressed and hopeless for a family. I can’t look at babies without feeling that sadness and having to push back the tears. By the time I save to adopt that is if I can even convince my partner/fiance to adopt. Just hopeless. All I know is one day I will meet my babies in heaven. But that doesn’t help me now. Angry!. So many families, people who don’t want babies unexpectedly pregnant. Why can’t those of us who would be kind loving parents, who desperately want children have our own families? Still so sad I miss my babies. I miss feeling pregnant. I wanted to hold them and love them. I don’t expect to hear back from anyone. I just need a safe forum.
I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this DS. Truly. xoxo
Feel like this has really helped I had a miss carraige recently all though I didn’t no I was pregnant I am really suffering the fact that I have lost something so special that I could still have, I feel like my boyfriend blames me and isn’t there for me as much as I would like maybe he doesn’t want to think about it as he has lost most of his family?im only 22 and an petrified this could happen to me again
I lost my baby a month ago to biliary atresia and still trying to cope he was 5months old its so hard I always feel I did something wrong .
I know this post is a few years old, but I still want to say how sorry I am for your loss. Biliary Atresia sounds like a devastating disease, and you did nothing wrong. It’s natural to blame ourselves for these losses, but the journey is already insanely difficult enough. We work so hard to get pregnant, stay pregnant, give birth, and raise these babies. I hope you have found a way to begin to heal.
I had a miscarriage at 19 weeks two years ago, it was awful. I recently had a second miscarriage at 9 weeks. I feel completely hopeless that I will ever be happy again. I am worried that I am not giving my two daughters the happy life that they deserve. I’m not coping and am debating whether or not to try antidepressants. I just really want to feel happy again and to somehow switch off the hurt and the need for another baby.
Many hugs Elaine. I’m so sorry for your loss. Have you reached out to one of the support organizations listed here? http://postpartumprogress.com/what-is-the-difference-between-grief-depression-after-pregnancy-loss I feel like having other women to talk to who have been through the same thing could perhaps offer you some comfort. And please know that if you need help in the form of medication or counseling, there is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes it is what is needed to help get you through the hopelessness. <3
I am 26 years old and in a span of 5 months i have had 2 miscarriages. The first one was a big disappointment, but the second one i cant explain. I feel deep anger and resentment that i feel no one can understand. I was diagnosed with PCOs and most of the time i ask myself ‘why me?’ I feel my partner is fed up coz of my situation and i have been thinking of ending things with him because i know how much he wants a child and i feel my chances of ever being a mom is minimal. I break down when my emotions build up and I feel like im going to end up alone in this world. How do i deal with this? How do I deal with myself? Where do people go from here. Someone help me. Im in Africa and finding a therapist is close to impossible, I need help
Where are you in Africa Beryl? Let us know so we can do some research for you and see what we can find.
Kenya, Kisumu City
Thank you for this. I miscarried April 2014. First pregnancy at age 40 of a desperately wanted baby. I feel I should be able to move on but I’m so tired and sad all the time. I feel in my heart that things are never going to get better and I will never have a child. I have very supportive husband and family and friends but I am just not coping
Good to know I’m not alone
Lost my baby 7-7-14 at 16 weeks. I can’t control my emotions. This is the hardest thing I have ever had up endure. I feel no one understands me.
I’m so sorry to hear that Sierra. I hope you are able to find some local support. There are so many women around you who have had the same experience and do understand. They’ll want to help.
I am scrolling through these comments and this just explains what I feeling. Found out last week I miscarried. Been married over 8 yrs. Been with my husband 14 years. He is being there for me but I push him away. I don’t feel he or any1 else understands how I feel or what I am going through. My birthday just passed. Holidays are coming up. I don’t want to be around any1. Its just so hard. I work and am in school and don’t feel like going at all. I find myself leaving the house with nowhere to go and nowhere in mind. My husband wants to keep trying and I am absolutely terrified of going through this again. I also miscarried twice when I was younger. I can’t deal with going through this again. Everyone around me has children. Tired of making excuses why we don’t have any of our own. I see a lot of us feel the same but why do I feel like I am the only one?
Marie, I am very sorry to hear about your miscarriage. You are not alone. It may feel like it, but many women and couples go through this too. Give yourself time to grieve and process what has just happened to you. It may be tempting to want to shut down, but when you feel ready, let your husband in. He may be hurting too.
Thanks so much for this article. I’m hanging on by a thread after my first pregnacy/first mc. Like if very bleak for me right now and I’m struggling to see any light at the end of the tunnel. Thus is the best article I have read on dealing with mc.
Thank you Steph! I’m so sorry about what you are going through. Sending you many hugs and encouraging you to reach out for help if you need it.
Well I experienced a miscarriage at 7 weeks. The depressing part is that I was unaware that I was pregnant. I ave no one to really discuss it with. I do receive comments that I’m not a mother because I don’t have kids but to me I feel as if I’m a mother. I cry to myself && hold a lot of feelings in because I have no one to discuss my issues with.
Of COURSE you feel like you are a mother. No one gets to take that away from you just because you lost your precious baby. It’s okay for you to grieve that loss. Please know that, Lashay.
After trying for 7 years, I finally found out I was pregnant the same month my husband decided he wanted a divorce. I have now had a miscarriage. I blame myself because I didn’t protect my unborn child from the stress and anxiety that I was feeling during that time. Thank you for what you said. I am feeling so alone. I am glad to know that what I am feeling is normal.
Thanks for writing this post. I delivered our baby on 12 May 2014 at 18 weeks. The first month after was really difficult. Second month I have tried picking myself up and found I’d have good and bad days. Now entering third month I am generally ok but struggle SO much with seeing big families (lots of kids). I come from a big family (6 kids and I am the eldest) and now my husband and I have a 4 1/2 year old. I was wanting, dreaming for my daughter to have a sibling as I come from a big family and know how fun and supportive a big family can. We are an immigrant family with no immediate family close by, no cousins to play with. So I dreamt, hoped and imagined us being a family of 4 – with a playmate for my little girl. I was so excited for my little girl to have a playmate – she gets sad when she plays in the playground on her own. Now my dream has shattered and I don’t know how to address my sadness knowing what triggers my grief. Of course, my other triggers are seeing newborns and heavily pregnant women.
I can only imagine how painful this is for you Marie. I hope you are able to talk to your doctor about what you are going through so that he or she can suggest some local resources for grief support. It’s worth reaching out. Having others to talk to who have been through what you are going through can make a difference.
Marie
Your story…I can completely relate to. I don’t know how you are doing since July, 2014. In my situation, I delivered our baby in 2013 at 16 weeks. I also come from a big family of 6, however I am the youngest. I have a 4 year old who I have wanted nothing more than for her to have a sibling in life… a hand to hold, a heart to share through life. She has no small cousins to play with as they are all much older. Although I make an effort to play with her a lot myself throughout the day, and do playdates, and take her to classes and activities…nothing can replace having a sibling to share everyday things with. She loves and is sooo good with babies and other smaller children….it really tugs at my heart when I see what she could have experienced in her life …. that love on a daily basis… but isn’t. My husband refuses to try to have another child. I won’t even go there…as to how seriously him not wanting a sibling for our daughter has affected the way I see my husband as a person. I have always been about family. I feel such a great loss of what could have been for my little girl…she lost her only chance of having a sibling. I cry from time to time over my heartbreak of losing the baby I already loved, and for the loss of my daughter’s sibling, and that she will never have a sibling. My niece had a baby and I can’t wait to hold her baby and spoil her for the first time. My triggers are seeing my daughter have such a great big happy loving giving heart everyday and seeing our big empty house and no one else in it for her to share with. My dreams are also shattered as I envisioned a completely different life for my daughter. I feel sad, lost and confused sometimes, and pray for God to direct my next step….I’m still waiting. I hope you have better news since you last wrote in July…maybe you don’t. Either way, take care through this all Marie.
It’s funny how I have grieved differently with each m/c. I have just had my 4th one in less than a year and this time I feel bitter, angry and alone. My husband tries to be supportive but I don’t feel much comfort. I feel like an awful wife and mom (I have a 2 Year old.) I am a mess. I feel like talking about it because I hate keeping it such a secret, but I don’t know who to talk to. No one knows what to say. Thanks for posting this. It helped me see that all my emotions are normal.
Thank you for this. I found out my beautiful baby had no heart beat on 6-21-14. I still sit here and think about that day and those terrifying words “no heartbeat”. I was 10 weeks and my family tells me ” it could of been worse, you could of been further along”. It’s nice to read how other people are getting through this.
Hi, thank you so much for this article. I have had a medical miscarriage due to chromosomal abnormality in May at 17 weeks. Since then I have not been able to come to terms with it even slightest. This was my first pregnancy at the age of 28 and I find it so unfair, I blame myself for what happened, and feel alienated towards my body, as I feel it let me down. Almost the whole pregnancy was very traumatic and emotionally wrecking- since week 9 when we had our first scan and were alerted of developmental problems. Since then we received one bad news after another ending by confirmation of chromosomal abnormality. I tried really hard to grieve and accept what happened, but only find myself having hostile feelings towards others who have healthy kids, even my close friends. My partner has not been very supportive and blamed me for being too emotional and sobbing all the time. I feel like this is the end of our relationship…
I believe this article is very soothing and comforting for those who have lost a baby in a miscarriage, or in any other way. Thanks for sharing the grieving process of your lost and those of many others that have gone through the same pain, and the hope of victory after the grieving.
Thank you so much for this post. I miscarried at nine weeks and am having a difficult time coping with the loss. This was my first pregnancy, and although it wasn’t planned, I loved that baby the moment I knew it was inside of me. I know that ultimately it was not my fault, but the guilt and the internal hatred I have are at times unbearable. I needed this today, and will probably bookmark it for future reference when I need it again. It is a beautiful tragedy to see so many other moms out there in my same place. My boyfriend has never been one to express his feelings well, and although I see he is grieving, I still feel like he doesn’t understand. The baby was inside of me, and now I feel empty. My next step will be to find a therapist, because I’m not sure how to handle it all on my own.
I recently had lost my baby I was 20 weeks we have older children as well a 13 and 8 year old, so I had to carry on for them make sure they are taken care of, but my sadness and hurt is around everyday and now I don’t even want my husband to touch me I never want to be pregnant again,cause I can’t go thru this again, please is this normal?
Joy, I imagine that each person who goes through this has her own set of feelings about it. I don’t think there is a “normal” — there is no one right way to grieve. Just know that you are not alone and that if you need help or support you can get it. There are loss support groups and organizations, and you can also talk to your doctor as well if you need to. There is a list of resources at the bottom of this post: http://postpartumprogress.com/what-is-the-difference-between-grief-depression-after-pregnancy-loss
Hello Ladies! I posted on this board several months ago. I am so sorry for your losses. You are certainly not alone in your grief. Please know that healing and peace are ahead….you’ll never forget…but you will feel better one day.
I suffered my first m/c in September of last year…and then my second in January of this year. It took me quite a while to heal after the second m/c. It was a traumatic experience both emotionally and physically (I ended up in the ER for severe blood loss). I spent months trying to “fix myself” in whatever I ways I could. I talked to friends, made myself SUPER healthy, stayed active, organized my life….but nothing could make the pain and hole in my heart go away. I would often break down into hysterical tears or be in a foul mood, even when my day was going perfectly.
One day, a spiritual revelation came to me…the only healing for me would be to give my pain to God and trust in His plan for my life. I’m not trying to preach. Only to let you know how I healed. I feel so much better now, and finally have some peace in my heart.
Grief is a terrible thing. It opens up holes in your life that you never knew existed. For me, it brought on panic attacks and anxiety.
Finally after having some spiritual healing, I was able to revisit the idea of adding on to our little family. I so very much want my daughter to have a sibling. I’m 6 weeks pregnant now, and in so many ways I am terrified. There are so many unknowns, but I’m trying to trust and take one day at a time.
I had a miscarriage in March this year I was 6 weeks pregnant, I had wanted this baby for so long. (this would have been my 2nd child as I have a 9 year old little girl). I then got pregnant again straight away, thankfully, I am now 23 weeks pregnant and all is well. At the time I miscarried some people said I shouldn’t need to grieve as there wasn’t anything there in the first place (meaning the baby was so small it wasn’t yet formed). What they didn’t seem to understand was that I didn’t see it that way, this was my baby and my body. Unfortunately I took in what they said and just got on with life, the 2nd pregnancy seemed to mask all this and I was happy again. I now have days when I feel guilty that I didn’t grieve for my last baby and feel sad but will people understand me, do my family feel the same, I don’t know because I don’t talk to anyone about it. I don’t want people telling me what I was told before. Like I said this was my baby and I will never forget how I felt when I was pregnant before miscarrying. Everyone is different and deal with things in life in their own way. I think when I have had my baby I am carrying at the moment and if I feel the pain still I will speak to a professional. I do hope this helps some of you ladies out there xx
well I had a miscarriage I didn’t know til I had the miscarriage I felt sad alone lost hurt balled up in one now I just want to cry every year around September thinking about my twins that would have been 5 is it bad I still hurt til this day
thank you for this today was the hardest day for m. I thought being told I was miscarring wa the hardest but the doctors forgot to let me and my husband know that I would be deliving my 10 week old baby and when I went to the bathroom early my baby popped out into the tolet and the pain and heart ache I had to deal with as I got my baby out of the tolet and put into a ziplock bag. I called the hospital to let them know I had my baby in a zip lock bag and now what do I do. and they told me to flush it and the pain that they didn’t even care, and now I have my baby in a ziplock bag waiting for a few people to call me back on the a way to give my baby the right way to kay him/her to rest. I had to many emontation I didn’t know how to feel so now I have become numb and questioning what did I do wrong and what do I do now. reading this blog had helped a lot even more with the soupse part because I was getting mad that he wasn’t showing anything when he was the one who put our baby in a box till we figure out what to do next. you have no idea how much I needed to read this thank you.
I too suffered a twin miscarriage just 2 weeks ago.. I don’t sleep, I can’t stop thinking about them. Nothing anyone says makes it easier. My partner put me onto this article because I thought he didn’t care due to no emotion on his end, I was wrong! He does, he just doesn’t know how to help me anymore than I know how to help myself right now.. I’m lost, I just want my babies back
Thank you for this article. I recently had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. I was originally terrified but had just started to get really excited when I lost the baby. I’ve spent the last week more in a confusion than in sadness. I cried the whole first night, and quite a bit the second. I haven’t cried in the week+since. I’ve had friends who have had miscarriages and they were devastated. My best friend has been clinically depressed for 6 months. While I don’t want to be clinically depressed, and it’s horrible that she feels that way, I don’t understand why I’m not as sad as she is. I keep thinking something is wrong with me. I’m able to go through my day almost like nothing happened. I feel a twinge of sadness when someone asks me about having kids, or if I hear someone talk about their pregnancy, and I get sad when I see things on the internet but otherwise I feel pretty normal. I feel like a freak, like maybe this is the universe telling me I’m not meant to be a mother or something. I mostly just want to try again. This article made me feel not as guilty, so thank you.
I had a miscarriage 4 weeks ago, and 3 days ago got my period. I am still devastated. I am 44 so was lucky to get pregnant at all and am terrified that I won’t get pregnant again and this just adds to my sadness and depression. I don’t wanna get out of bed in the morning, pretty much wish I was dead most days.
Justine, how are you doing? I am in the same boat you were in. I am 44 as well and just had miscarriage 2 weeks ago at 11.5 weeks. How are you coping? I am having an awful time, and so want another baby, but how realistic is that at my age?
I had a miscarriage on may 30 2014 it was my first pregnancy…luckily my husband and family have been more than amazing helping me through it but i can’t help but feel like I’m alone sometimes fighting an internal battle because i didn’t know very long at all ( i m/c at 6 weeks 2 days) and sometimes feel silly and push it out of mind but it is nice to know that I’m not being silly and that this is part of the grieving process- I thank you from the bottom of my heart & will forever be grateful for your article. To know that you are not alone when you feel alone is very comforting
I had mc at 6 weeks (in May 2014) and I know what you’re saying about feeling silly sometimes and sad other times. I start to think I’m okay and then realize I’m still not. Just found out my sister is pregnant and while I’m very excited for her I ended up crying a lot today because I’m still so sad:( I feel alone sometimes in my grief but it’s comforting to know I’m not. Hang in there!
I’ve been reading ways to cope w miscarriage, as I’m currently waiting for my pregnancy to naturally begin to end. It’s my second, my son is 2. It’s so completely devastating. I try to be strong. But have breakdowns every little bit, I just can’t accept that I’m losing this little baby that I got so attached to in such a short amount of time. My poor husband is taking it just as hard, just when I feel like I’ve got myself together, I hear him crying. We just never expected this.
Molly anyone, can you please help me. Just found out I had had a missed miscarriage yesterday 16th sept. I am struggling feel lost . Can someone please reach out to me. My email is frimpsy@gmail.com. Please .
Mine happened a few day after yours. On the 16th there was a heartbeat and on the 21st there was no heartbeat anymore 🙁
You can find my story down on the page. Very sorry for what happened.
Hi I’m a grandmother of a stillborn baby boy on the 13September2014 so I know haw you feel and I’m so sorry it was our first grandson and my dauters and husbands firt born baby came at 32 weeks and we found out our baby was dawn syndrom as well and its still so eina ouma Debbie
My mother just had a miscarriage today and I really wanted a new sibling. I am still crying over the loss of the baby. My mom is going to the doctors next week to see if the baby is still alive, however it is very unlikely. :(. I don’t know what to do…all I can do is cry
We went to our 12 w sonogram appointment a couple of days ago and found out that the baby hadn’t made it. He only looked for about less than a minute and turned the machine off.There were only a few remaining cells left- a blighted ovum. I have a choice now to wait it out or do a d & c. I know it is a long shot, but I keep praying for some sort of a miracle. I also realize that my baby is now long gone to heaven and I must somehow move on. I am in tears constantly…I am trying hard to keep it together for my work, my other children and my husband who is back to work and although sad, said this baby would have always remained a “concept” until we had the ultrasound photos. He is not grieving to the extent I am grieving and although supportive, I know he is frustrated with how much I am sobbing and even how much I may be hanging onto a dream that somehow it will work out. I feel like my heart has been torn out and I feel so empty inside. We told very few people I was pregnant so now I have no one to tell or confide in. Work had no idea and I must continue on like I was never pregnant- except I still have a uterus the size of 13+ weeks- I’m huge and my uterus keeps growing and I still have all the pregnancy hormones. I have all my maternity clothes washed and hanging all ready in the closet- I was about to begin wearing them as all my clothes I feel completely duped and tricked. I have no real symptoms of miscarriage but just a diagnosis. I am starting to come to terms with needing a d & c but the thought of that too brings me to tears but I am also scared to deliver naturally as I know it will be full labor pains. And, to make matters worse, I’m 42. The chance of it happening again (old eggs) is probably quite high. This might have been my last chance at a pregnancy. The few people I have told have tried to be well meaning but lines like “everything happens for a reason” or “maybe something was wrong with the baby” (which yes, that is probably correct!) are NOT helpful. Please don’t tell me at least I have other kids or that it is my age or that it’s common. I am bracing myself for all types of reactions if I tell anyone! I really truly believe that only the women who have gone through this and suffered such a great loss can empathize. No one else can possibly know how empty I feel, how my soul feels ripped out and how my heart actually feels physical pain- my whole body feels the loss- and that my emotions with all the hormones still are a complete wreck. I feel so alone not having the baby with me and yes, the baby I know is in heaven, complete, loved and without pain. But it is so hard for the one who is left behind to grieve and I have no idea how this gets easier- I don’t think anyone moves on, I think they just learn new ways to cope and process their grief. The baby’s birth date is still circled on the calendar….and I can’t begin to think how it’s going to be when that day comes.
Dear Mel,
I sympathise with so many of the stories on here, but yours really struck a chord with me, so I wanted to reply to you personally.
I had a mussed miscarriage in September this year, at 12 weeks. I already knew something was wrong at 9 weeks, when I had a tiny bit of spotting and the scan showed the baby was way too small for its age. I recall the (awful) doctor who ignored me the whole time she scanned me, whispering under her breath with her colleague. It was only 5 minutes, but it was the longest 5 minutes of my life and I felt completely removed from my body, as if I were on the ceiling looking down in myself. Eventually, when she’d repeated “I can see the yolk sac” about 10 times (at which point I wanted to hit her), she told me she couldn’t see any heartbeat. Those dreaded words….I changed Early Preg Unit after that, to a really amazing unit near my house, where my husband and I were treated with real care and respect. There, at 10 weeks, we were told to wait and see what my body would do next. I felt like my body had so let me down though – I’ve had 4 other early m/c in 2014 and in all of them, my body managed to detect a problem and I m/c very early – a slightly late period in terms of timing and effect. But this time, it got it all so wrong.
I couldn’t grasp how my baby had stopped growing, had a faint heartbeat that had also stopped at some point, but my body was acting as if all was well and good. I also had a huge belly, I looked pregnant and felt pregnant, I had all the symptoms. I hardly bled at all. Like you, I, we had started to dare to hope it would be a good one. We had particularly started to imagine what it would be like to tell our 6 year old daughter the great news. We hadn’t told anyone, as after so many early m/c I didn’t want to jinx it.
Finally, my lovely new sonographer confirmed at 12 weeks that nothing would change. No miracle would happen. There could be no mistake with my dates. Our tiny baby hung in there, completely lifeless, like a miniscule astronaut, attached to his or her gestational sac, which by now looked like a shrivelled up balloon. My husband and I clung to each tiger and felt the sort if pain and sadness that is hard to describe.
I couldn’t wait for nature to take its course: I had to carry on my life, look after my daughter…it was the summer holidays here in London, UK, and I was looking after her. I was petrified to go too far from homé, in case I suddenly started bleeding in front of her. I was in a weird sort if limbo.
After some thought, I decided to have a D&C the day after, at 12 weeks. It was emotional, but somehow it helped to get a little bit closer to achieving some sort of closure. Physically, it all went very well. I had a fantastic team looking after me and recovered very quickly. Emotionally, once the pregnancy hormones crashed, so did I. It was and still is, very hard.
A month down the line and it is getting easier to bear. I don’t cry every day now and I’m starting to think to the future.
Today our tiny Pip, as we’d come to call our baby, was cremated.
Next week, on October 15th, baby loss awareness day, my husband and I are going to scatter Pip’s ashes at the children’s cemetary in Islington. I’m dreading it, but also looking forward to feeling more peaceful afterwards, I hope….I really hope…..
You are so right when you say that well-meaning family and friends don’t know how to help….comments such as “at least you have another child” or “your body knows best” are patronising, insensitive and infuriating.
Plus, like you, I am now older (43) and my eggs aren’t getting any younger either.
I hope no one judges older women like us for wanting to keep trying. Sometimes I think I’m too old and should give up, but it’s hard to accept that I’ll have to do that, at some point. I always think “maybe I’ll try one more time” or “I’ll stop trying next year”, but I know I can’t keep going like this either. Will you?
I’m wondering, since your post is old now, whether you had a D&C in the end or not. How did it go in the end? I hope you are ok and doing better than you were.
I’m not going to pretend it easy nor am I going to make glib remarks about feelings, but I do know this – we are stronger than we think.
We have to be.
Our bodies sometimes let us down, but they are also amazing.
I try to gain comfort from my beautiful daughter every day and remind myself that I am so so so lucky to already be a mum. So many of my friends have never even had that chance.
I will always be Pip’s mum too, no matter whether I ever give my daughter a sibling or not, no body will take at away. You will always be your unborn baby’s mum too. It has helped me to acknowledge that and Pip too, not to brush it away. I need to have a place where I can connect with Pip too and one day maybe take my daughter, to explain to her too…
I wish you all the best xxx
I am grateful l to have found your post, Kate. I have had 3 miscarriages in the last year, 8/2013, 2/2014 and 7/2014. I keep reflecting on the entire scenario and chain of events over the last year. I deal with problems finding self worth, frequently overcome with feelings of inadequacy. Despite knowing that I am not a failure, it does not stop the feelings from occurring.
These experiences have caused me to reflect back on my life in so many ways. Prior to meeting my husband I never wanted children. All that changed and all I want is to be someone’s Mommy. I sometimes think how much simpler it would be if I just didn’t want to be a Mommy and be happy in a childless marriage.
Another frustrating component is that I am a Nurse. I am a trauma nurse. I help people and families when they are at their weakest moments. And yet, I can’t even help myself through this grieving process. Sometimes I feel I know too much and just can’t let go enough to fully grieve.
My husband is supportive and has cried with me and held me in these moments. He tries, but he still doesn’t understand why I “can’t get past it.” To hime because they were early term losses he has the mentality that, “We will just keep trying”. I know he feels helpless and doesn’t know what to say. I try and be sensitive to that. Then there are moments when he just asks me a simple question and I get so angry with him.
The intense feelings of guilt, anger with myself and feelings of inadequacy can be overwhelming. I try and take it day by day and hope for the best. Starting to see a reproductive endocrinologist in october and keeping fingers crossed.
I had an early pregnancy loss 2 weeks ago too, and it happened naturally, no D&C. It was so hard, I bled for 5 days before I passed my baby, then for a few days afterwards. My husband too is taking it hard. We were both so excited, and it has been so hard for both of us. I am at work and just want to cry and crawl into bed right now. My daughter is almost 2 years old, and it feels hard to try to plan her birthday and know her brother or sister won’t have theirs. It was my second pregnancy too. We weren’t prepared either. Even though my OB has encouraged me that I should still have another healthy pregnancy, I am scared we won’t be able to have another child.
I’m struggling to come to terms with the fact that I’m no longer pregnant anymore. My heart is shattered in a million pieces and the dream I held so close has cruely been ripped from me.
Two weeks ago, my husband and I booked a private scan – I was 9+4, so excited it being our first pregnancy we were so proud of my little bump. I had the full works morning sickness, back ache, head ache, tiredness, needing a wee all the time, but I didn’t care, I was so over joyed to be pregnant with our first baby it was such a blessing from God. We found out when I was 4 weeks.
In the scan I lay on the table as the sonographer did an internal scan only to say bluntly, I’m sorry, but your baby has died. You have suffered a missed miscarriage. Both of us were confused and devistated: she then said – you lost your baby three weeks ago and will need medical help to get rid of it. Sat in shock, my husband in tears, we left knowing our baby had died.
The following day we went to the EPU, they scanned and said its 50/50 dates could be wrong and the baby could grow, come back in a week. So we did. 1 week ago it was confirmed our baby had died and my body was still tricking me with pregnancy symptoms, they were concerned as it was now 5 weeks the baby had been dead for and said I will need to come in for medical management: either d n c or abortion pills. So desperately sad we agreed to take the pills. The following morning last Friday, I took the first pill. Then was back in on Sunday for what was the most horrific experience of my life. I was 11+4 at this point still having morning sickness. Well 38 pills, 1 supositry, 4 pesseries, 3 rounds of morphene, 8 sick bowels, 4 sickness iv’s and 6 hours of full on contractions and labour, I finally delivered our baby. I was emotionally wreck, heartbroken, in pain, unable to control my bodily functions, and left feeling helpless. They wheeled my baby in a crib in to see my husband and I and we said our goodbyes with a blessing. Then they gave us the little blanket they laid it in to keep. I was I hospital over night and came out this Monday. All week I have felt like everyone of these points you have written. Unable to come to terms with the heartache that my baby is no longer with me anymore. The tears catch me out constantly, and I just feel so sad I can no longer be a mummy. How do I deal with all of this? It hurts so much???
Dear Hollie,
I posted back on October 9th, in reply to an older post from Mel, in case you wanted to read my bit.
I read your post just now and didn’t want to read and run.
The pain and shock of losing a baby, at any gestational age, whether one already has a child or not, is horrible.
I am slowly coming to terms with my loss from September 5th (D&C), but it does take time.
Try to surround yourself with people who love and care about you. Be kind to yourself. Avoid spending time with people who are insensitive for now (one of the points in the article, which helped me a lot). Above all, allow yourselves the time and space to grieve.
Grieving is a process, not an event that’s done and dusted on any particular day. It takes time. I only know that now, because I’m going through it right now as well.
I used to cry every day, now I cry a bit less and feel a bit mire hope.
It really helped my husband and me to organise a little cremation for our baby (done through the hospital itself, here in the UK) and we’re going to a children’s cemetary this week to scatter the ashes. It helps to get a little closer to achieving closure, I suppose. I also want a place to go to when I want to remember our baby.
It also helped me enormously to post my loss on my Facebook page (though only so my closest friends could read it) because their kindness and overwhelmingly touching response was amazing. So many friends also shared their losses with me. I had no idea how many there were…
Here in the UK there is a very useful site for parents going through pregnancy loss and stillbirth.they also have a Facebook page. It’s called The Miscarriage Association and has loads of links to other pregnancy loss and baby loss boards, articles and forums.
On Wednesday 15th October it’s Baby Loss Awareness day – I’m going to be lighting a candle at 7pm for my baby, plus the 5 others I lost beforehand (very early miscarriages).
Maybe you could light a candle too and think of something you’d like to do, or write, or say, or even plant, to remember your baby by?
Thinking of you and sending lots of hope, light and happiness.
Jessica.
I had a miscarriage on 15 Sept 2014 and I’m having a very hard time coping. I thought i was getting better but yesterday I found out that I’ve developed an infection which is making me very scared and has brought all of those initial feelings back. My husband has mentioned that the m/c is over and he is able to move on; however, I am not. This is making me feel very alone. My family lives in a different country and although I know they are there for me, it is still very hard.
Thank you so much for this!(my first pregnancy) My babies heartbeat stopped at 9 weeks. Just two days after my fiance and I had seen that healthy heart beating away at the ultrasound. I did not know this until 12 weeks and 1 day when I saw bleeding at work and immediately called the doctor then had the ultrasound. I passed the baby two days later at the hospital. I was in so much pain. I physically watched my baby leave my body in the sac while going to the bathroom for the nurse to do a vaginal ultrasound. Ever since then I feel so much anxiety every time my fiance leaves me to go to work or even the store or the gym. I’m so scared that something teterrible will happen. I thought I was going crazy but I read #6 and I know I’m obviously not alone. Thank you a million times for this.
I feel the same anxiety. We recently lost our baby and this by far the hardest. I’ve clinged onto my husband more than ever. Blessings to you and yours
Hi.
I was diagnosed with missed abortion 3 weeks ago… Had to have a d&c the week after… 🙁 I feel horrible. It was like they made me undergo an abortion without my will. I know the embryo was dead ( i was 8 weeks along when it happened) but it felt like killing it… That i let him/her down… 🙁
The worst is, im alone with this, as the father of my baby did not want it, and im feeling i have lost him and then my baby… 🙁
So all the comforting words from nurses and doctors “you can try in a few months again” feel like just a knife in my wound… I dont know how you can deal with this alone… Anyone being in the same situation?
Edie,
I sit had a similar situation, my husband wanted a divorce I found out I was pregnant, a few days later had a lot of bleeding, went to the er and it was confirmed,Ed I should have been 6 weeks but there was no heartbeat. He told me he was relieved that I lost the baby. This was in September and I a, still struggling with it. We had a previous miscarriage in November 2008 and he was there for me and cared and this time around I was completely alone to deal with it and to take care of our two children. It hurts when there is no support system.
Thank you for this great information,I was preg with twin boys and I had a miscarriage on the20.09.14,I’m still grieving but I take each day as it comes,my 5 year old daughter keeps me so occupied and I’mso gratefulto have her,I think she kinda keeps me for being stuck in my dark hole nd feeling self pity for myself,my partner is also quite distant lately but I do understand we’re grieving differently,the important part is that we communicate and share our feelings,good or bad,and I must say the whole thing was traumatic and I really am not in a rush to have any babies or even try again,anytime soon,for now I want to focus on myself,getting better and being that happy,bubbly person who loves enjoyinglife and trying new things and being happy,andi know this will sound weird,but ppl somehow expect to see me crying and depressed,and I’m not,I do have my moments of cryingwhen I think abt what happened,but that mostly happens when I’m at home…i know thistoo shall pass,I love my two boys and they will always be close to my heart,I also know that they are now in heaven and they are our little Angels.
Thank you for this.
I found out I was pregnant on August 17, after trying a year and a half. I had some issues and had ultrasounds like twice a week for 3 weeks. The second week we saw a heartbeat but was too slow and the doctor told me to expect to miscarry. The following week there was no heartbeat and I haven’t miscarried. The end of that week, the dr confirmed I had lost the baby. Over a week later I had a D&C done….the hardest thing is seeing the heartbeat then the next time it’s gone. It’s been a month since the D&C and I still picture the heartbeat….My sister-in-law is also pregnant but with her fourth child and I have so much resentment and jealousy towards her that I can’t be around her. It hurts to bad to see her happy and all the other pregnant women.
How can I cope with this? I stay depressed but don’t always show it. It hurts to be happy for my sister in law, even though I want too. I just don’t understand a lot.
Sharon,
Your story resonates deeply with me. (Sorry this post is very long) I am currently having my 6th miscarriage with no living children. My husband and I have been trying to start a family for three years now. Our first baby together I lost at 13 weeks on Mother’s Day. The due date was to be right around Thanksgiving. Our second baby we lost on Christmas. I had two more miscarriages and then I couldn’t get pregnant for two years. We had every test done, every treatment aside from IVF. Everything came back normal. Drs said it’s just ‘bad luck’. During that time my little brother and his wife had the ‘first’ grand baby. He complained that it “took so long” to get his wife pregnant. They tried for 3 whole months and got pregnant with a perfectly healthy baby the first time. This made me so resentful toward him. What was worse is that I found out about my new nephew on Facebook. My only brother didn’t even tell me about it himself. I was instantly detached when I should have been so happy.
During my 3 years of ‘bad luck’ all of my best girlfriends have gone on to have children. I don’t even talk to them anymore. Either because they joined the mom club and found new friends or because they couldn’t understand why it hurt too much for me to attend their baby showers (which felt like funerals to me) and be around them while they were pregnant so they disappeared.
After two years of not being able to get pregnant I finally made peace with the fact that I’d only be a mother to dead babies. I found a way to reframe my hopes and dreams to not include a child. I ‘made it through’.
Then the unthinkable happened. My sis-in-law (and last girl friend) who suffers from PCOS and an array of eating disorders became pregnant after only trying for 6 months. Two days after finding this out I discovered I was finally pregnant again. With TWINS! It was like all of my hopes were magnified my dreams became reality! And I would have not one, but TWO babies weeks after my best friend! It was so serendipitous I began believing in everything again. I could finally be happy during someone else’s pregnancy and not feel loss. My joy came back. I went in every week for ultrasounds and saw two healthy heartbeats each time. I felt as if in a dream! Until my 10 week scan when I found out both babies died two days prior. My body failed me again. I failed my babies. I failed my future family. I feel like a serial killer. How can someone not get pregnant for 2 years and then get twins taken away?! On Halloween no less ( mine and husband’s favorite holiday). Every holiday is now an echo of a lost baby. What evil force would do that to a person who had already lost 4 other babies? Besides being devastated about my twins I don’t believe in anything now. I’ve lost trust in the universe. I’ve feel like I’ve lost my connection to the human race and all the people with children and families. I can’t even talk to my family right now. I feel like such a disappointment. Like a broken item that needs to be tossed in the garbage. People say it’s ridiculous to feel like this but it doesn’t make me feel any less damaged. It actually makes me feel worse. I don’t want to talk to anyone at all. My husband goes to hang out with his pregnant sister and I feel betrayed. I don’t even know why. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to speak to her again because it reminds me of the death of my twins. How can I be married to a person and refuse to see his family because of my own issues? I feel like I need to leave him too before I ruin his life. At the same time, I feel like he is the only one who even remotely understands what I’m going through and I’m terrified I’ll lose him also. I’m so detached right now from everything. I feel dead on the inside and I wake up each day angry that I’m still here.
I have searched high and low for anyone who can relate and have come up empty until I found your post. Thank you for posting and helping me to feel less alone.
Hi i just read ur post and i know exactly how u feel an evil force takes away the most precious of all to us.my partner and i lost our baby at start of year 36 weks preg placenta abrubtion still birth it was the worst thing in my life so i felt then i became preg again 3months later as we had bein trying and we wer so happy even tho nothing replaces our baby girl then at 23 weeks i had tumy pains one nite after we had had sex i just thort it was from that then the morning came an it was worse i txd my midwife she also said prob just frm havin had sex but no i rang ambulance got to hospital was fuly dilated but wasnt able deliver for hours ther was heart beat at start then chekt again and no so yet again i had hours and hours knowing i had to give birth to my dead baby got induced.if only id gone that nite to hospital they codve stopt the labour surely but stupid me thort nothing of it.i just want another baby this was only bout 2weeks ago.i feel like im in hell how cod this happen twice in one year havin had cremate two babies i feel numb i always hope il go slep an not wake but dosnt hapen we also hav a 3year old daughter.life is shit and so unfair i have this pain inside me that will never go away i feel like i failed my partner and i put him thru hell
Hi wandermom,
I know how u feel too, I lost twins starting in June. Each seperatly. I was finally preg. After 15 yrs. it kills everyday. watching other pg. Is heartbreaking! I understand completly.
Hugs xoxo
I have posted my story here a week ago, but apparently it did not show.
I also lost my baby at around 8 weeks.. (end of september) I saw a heartbeat at 7w3d and there was none on 8w1d… 🙁 I felt devastated and shattered. Had a D&C 2 days after… Still dont know how to cope with it.. Always thinking how far along i would be by now… 🙁 Plus there is a colleague at work who started to look pregnant not long before i lost mine… 🙁 I feel like i dont want to see people.. Most of the time im not leaving home, i feel so bad when i have to go to work 🙁 I dont know how to cope with this… The worst is im all alone, the father of my lost baby is not with me (he wasnt during when it happened either…) he didnt want the baby 🙁 I dont know what to do… Clearly “trying in a few months” is not comforting to me as i have to deal with losing the baby’s father too… 🙁 I feel sooo helpless and alone… How do you cope with that?
I’ve just had a D&C today. I found out my baby didn’t grow and did not have a heartbeat this past Wednesday. It was confirmed again on Thursday. Previously, I had a miscarriage April 2013, again no heartbeat. I have a beautiful healthy boy, he’s three. It took me 10 years to have him. I feel numb. I’m trying to get on with it. I’m hiding myself in my work. I had to ask my husband if this was just happening to me, because he seemed so disconnected. I didn’t really cry until they rolled me into the surgery and then I couldn’t breathe. I have no idea how to feel right now. I’m 41, the odds are not in my favour. I do not know if I should try again, or be incredibly grateful for what I have right now. I prayed so hard for my son. I remember bargaining for him, saying I would never ask for anything again. And now I feel like I’ve broken my promise and why should I get another one after receiving my prayed for miracle. The whole time I was pregnant, I was scared. I didn’t believe it could be real and I feel as though my lack of faith was my downfall. I can’t sleep. I’m so afraid of losing everything else.
Vanessa,
I’m so sorry for your loss! I very well understand the anxiety and fear of losing everything, as I endured it myself for many months. I had m/c in September 2015, and another in January 2015. My second m/c ended in the ER with severe blood loss and emergency D&C. I suffered severe anxiety/panic attacks in the aftermath. I was so terrified that I would lose my 3 year old daughter and husband. I mourned the loss of my little angel babies, and felt quite disconnected for months.
My relief began to come as I talked intensely to close friends and others who experienced similar emotions. I allowed myself to open up to what I was truly feeling and became very aware of everything that affected me. I strongly considered seeking professional help, though in the end I didn’t. I believe that not only is m/c emotional, but there could also be many hormonal issues that contribute to the scattering range of fear and emotions. I finally was ready to give my fear and pain up to my Higher Power, and have been feeling much more at peace in recent months.
I am currently pregnant again (14 weeks) and again, I am quite scared of the unthinkable. It’s a daily struggle, but there really is hope and peace out there.
You are not alone in this, and you can overcome the deep pain and sorrow that you feel. It takes time, but you will feel better. Just don’t be afraid of your feelings. This is not your fault; it is not some punishment for lack of faith or for being undeserving. It has nothing to do with anything you could or couldn’t do. It just plainly sucks. And sometimes, that’s just how life goes. You are still an amazing woman who deserves happiness. I truly wish you the best. **hugs**
I had three miscarriages with a partner who I’ve recently broken up with. On the first his mum messaged his friends on a social networking site telling them about my miscarriage and complaining to them he wasn’t as available for her.
I grieved deeply whilst my partner went back to work after a day and I felt completely abandoned. I’ve been banned from talking about the babies since. It’s only now, three years on and a further two miscarriages later that I’m out of the relationship and have realised the postnatal depression bubble that I was in.
It’s truly life changing to realise that actually, it’s not you and that you can suffer postnatal depression at any stage.
Hi 2 months ago I had lost my baby at 10 weeks. I have 4 little ones. It was my 5th. I heard the heart beat at 6 weeks next thing I know it was over. I am struggling to get to move past it. 2 weeks after my miscarriage my husband went for a vasectomy with out telling me and it feels like a double blow. It is so hard but I’m struggling to forgive him. We agreed to wait but he went behind my back.
I got the news that I miscarried two days ago at 8 weeks. The loss is very hard to deal with since it was my first and we have been wanting to start a family for 4 1/2 years. We were finally able to conceive using IVF however the baby just stopped growing. Now I just don’t want to run into any pregnant women as I feel so jealous. I think “Why them and not me?”. I have basically watched all of my friends have kids and yet I am unable to have them. I guess I can try IVF again however it is so expensive, painful and emotionally draining. I just want to have children. Even one child would be a blessing. I feel all of your pain in reading your comments. To want something so bad is hard to deal with at times. I wish it was easy for us to get pregnant. I feel like it would help to cope however the process to conceive is very difficult and we haven’t been able to do it at all by ourselves.
I am so sorry to hear that, kathleen. Please know that you are not alone. And, his grief could have been overwhelming.
I lost my baby around 16 weeks or so we are unsure. I went to the hospital for back pain and they did and ultrasound and the baby was dead. We were so shocked I was 16 weeks pregnant with my first child. We were so excited and prior to this around 6 weeks we thought we were lossing the baby due to a tubular pregnancy but it was just a cyist and we were so thankful and I reached my 2nd trimester and we thought we were in the clear but unfortunately we lost the baby. I had to have a d and c to remove the baby the day of the d and c was when I was supposed to be 18 weeks and next Tuesday is when I was supposed to find out the sex of our baby. I feel so empty and so lost. We found out we were having a little girl and she had triploidy which means she had 69 chromosomes not 46. I know this could have end up worse as in having to go full term and then lossing the baby but this just seems impossible to get over my cousin and over five of my friends are pregnant and I see them and I am so jealous. I am happy for them but at the same time I am thinking that could be me or that’s what I would look like right now. I will never beable to hold my first child or kiss her or tell her good night but next time I get pregnant I pray that it is healthy and I will adore that child and appreciate it even more. But as far as being a mom I don’t feel like one and I want to feel like one because I did have a baby girl but she just passed away . I just feel so confused
Thanks for the article. Its helped me realize I am not alone, especially reading the comments and the heartbreaking stories of other mums. I lost my baby a month ago, she was 28 weeks old and I had known she had hydrops foetalis since she was 20 weeks old. I was told to expect the worst but I kept praying for a miracle. I developed severe pre eclampsia and although I tried to hold on, to give her a chance to live, I finally had to go to the hospital. One look at my blood pressure and an emergency C section was performed. I never even got to see or touch my baby, she only lived for half an hour. I was comatose in the ICU and she was buried by my husband. There are even no pictures.
I am fortunate to have a 3 year old daughter but I feel sorry for her, not to have a sibling or playmate. I always wanted a sibling and I never wanted the same loneliness for my daughter. It was very hard for me to conceive in the first place. I’m 35 now and the doctors have told me to wait at least a year or two before trying again. I’m told it can happen again. I don’t know what to do. I’m so depressed and I feel I have no closure. I am terrified this will happen again.
This is exactly what I needed to read. Thank you.
We are so glad it helped!
I just had a D and C done this morning. I lost my baby at 9w3d. I had four ultrasounds to confirm, and another one the day of the procedure just incase. I am at such a hard place right now because I literally feel as if I failed my baby, and having the procedure only makes it worse, as if they were taking it from me. This is my second pregnancy, I do have a healthy two year old. My husband doesn’t understand any of this. In his eyes it wasn’t a baby yet, it was too small. He gets frustrated when I ask him to be patient with me when I am crying all the time and I dont want to go be with people. He didnt feel what I felt, he didn’t go through it. We had no warning signs of miscarriage, we went to our first appointment and there was no heart beat on the monitor. It was so unexpected. Now I feel as if it is wrong of my to try and move on because I feel like I should go through this pain or I am not honoring my babys memory. I dont know of any support groups in my area, and I am just at such a loss.
I’m so sorry, Amanda. I just found this resource recently and thought it might help you. http://www.pregnancyafterlosssupport.com Know that you aren’t alone and there is nothing wrong about grieving your loss.
I went through this twice when I was younger. Somehow I was able to get over it and put it behind. Last wk it happened again and I just can’t deal with it. I truly want a child and am feeling less and less positive that we will ever have 1. My husband and I have a great relationship but I almost feel like I am going to let this destroy us. I keep telling him he doesn’t understand. And he doesn’t. He is trying but he doesn’t and never fully will understand how I feel. Sometimes I think I need to let him go and find someone who will give him a child like we both want. It’s just so difficult.
I miscarried April 27, 2014 at 7 weeks.. I didn’t want to be pregnant.. I waving a bad relationship, my health was deteriorating. I was 20 years old. No job… And I prayed for it to go away.. I put my hands over my ears when I heard the heartbeat. I miscarried that night.. And when I went to the doctor appointment the next day, I was disgusted with myself. I would have been nearly due. My due date was December 16.. I cry every single day. I can’t stand myself sometimes. Most of my friends think I should be “over it” by now. I don’t know how to move on from that sweet child I wished away…
Lindsey, I’m so sorry. You don’t need to be “over it”, everyone needs time to heal. It’s so important to let ourselves heal. Have you thought about talking with a counselor? Talking this out and processing it with someone can help so much. You’re not alone, we care about you.
Lindsey,
I lost twins after I was pregnant in April too. I’m still not over it either! There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about my loss. Of course everyone thinks I should be over it. The pain is so deep I will never be the same.
I know how u feel!
Hugs xoxo
How does a person cope and move on. Miscarriage two years ago. And recently bout two months ago i fell pregnant again. We were overjoyed and decided to keep it a secret until i was 3 months. Went for our first scan on the 13\11\2014 when we saw the fetus but their was no movement our heartbeat. Our world came to a standstill. Gyne gave us the option to misscarriage naturally. Or be admitted to hospital. I opted to go to the hospital as we have a 9 year old daughter who was not aware that i was pregnant and that i didnt want her to see me going through this pain. So i was admitted to hospital. Given tablets to let the fetus passed that didnt work and was sent for D&C. I feel empty inside. Gyne told us afterwards that it was twins. My husband has bern supportive as well as family and friends. How fo i cope with this grieve. Should i tell my daughter that the baby brother she hoped and prayer for was there but it with God in heaven. Do i give myself the hope of falling pregnant again knowing that this can happen again. Wanting the hurt to stop. Wanting to hold my babies in my arms but i know that it is impossible. Why does these things have to happen to people who loves children so much and can give them the love that the deserve. It everything hopeless or is their a light at the end of the tunnel
Danielle, I’m so very sorry. Truly. You need to grieve this loss in whatever ways you feel appropriate. I don’t know why these things happen, but know you are strong and you will find a way to keep going. Give yourself grace and time to heal.
This article is such an encouragement right now.. It’s 4:30am I’ve been up since 3am balling my eyes out. I have 2 young boys and was 12 weeks pregnant with baby number 3.. So when I woke up 2 days ago with every symptom of a miscarriage, it’s been an absolute roller coaster ride of emotions ever since. Spent all day in the doctors office doing tests and sonos, it’s been confirmed that I lost the baby. The devastation I’m feeling and just the absolute emptiness is awful. Reading this post has given me hope and reminded me I’m not alone through this and it’s ok to grieve! That was my baby that I’ll never be able to hold… Some people won’t understand how terrible the feeling of loss is considering I wasn’t that far along but mothers bond with that baby the minute they know there’s a little life inside. My prayers are with all the other moms going through this
Within two days I saw a relative’s new baby and I had a d and c. I have always thought i was a strong person (emotionally). But I do not want to hear anymore “everything happens for a reason or its gods will.” I know people think they have to say something, but they don’t. Because nothing helps. I also do not want to hear, don’t worry, try next month. Do they realize that I cannot even sleep or want to eat, as I write this when I should be sleeping. Everywhere I look, I see pregnant people, or I see a Huggies commercial on t.v. I feel guilty that I can even lay on my stomach now, since my baby is no longer there. The doctor told me that our case was rare. I get the results back in about 1 month. This does not help either though. Also, now I want to get pregnant again, but now I think about “can we keep it.” I was exactly 12 weeks, which everybody told me was the magical number, mommy and baby would be ok. Well, baby is not here, and mommy is a wreck! I guess it helps to talk about it, but then it does not. How am I supposed to move on, when all I do is cry? I see people so unhealthy and they have child after child. I don’t smoke, don’t drink alcohol or caffeine, and do not have the best diet in the world, But I am healthy. So, why can’t I do the most natural thing in the world? That’s another thing, a relative told me to eat healthier and exercise, but the dr. said it was not my fault. As I am writing this, I notice a lot of I’s. I should say we, but my husband really does not say anything. I’m sure he’s feeling something, but I honestly do not even want to look at him. I guess I am looking for someone to blame, even though the doctor told me that it was not my fault. Most of my friends have had one miscarriage, and they say the same thing. Hang in there, You’ll be ok. It is very common, even though statistics usually say 10- 15%. I’ve lost relatives and friends, but this loss is truly unbearable. My daughter used to kiss my stomach and now she doesn’t do it. Even she knows and she is so young. Everybody also says be thankful for her, and hang on to her. Thank God for her, but I just want my baby back. I do not even know how to grieve, there is no funeral!
I’m so, so sorry, Sarah. You are allowed to grieve and feel all of your feelings. Give yourself time and grace as you go through this. I know it might be hard to talk about, but talking helps…a lot. Perhaps finding a counselor that won’t “give you advice” would be helpful. A safe place to talk can be so healing.
My wife went for her 12 week ultrasound on Monday, only to find out the baby had no heartbeat. She had a miscarriage that same night. Our doctor said it may have been from the grief/shock. This pregnancy meant the world to her. I have never seen her so excited in the 10 years we have been together. Now her world has been torn from her. We feel guilt for throwing the miscarriage in the garbage. We essentially threw our unborn child in the garbage instead of giving it the decency and respect it deserved. How can you take that back? At the time we were so upset and worried that we probably weren’t thinking straight but still….I should have been the calm one. I should have thought about what we were doing. I don’t blame her at all. If I were in that position I don’t know what I would be thinking.
I took Monday and Tuesday off of work and worked from home today. We’ve held each other, cried together, watched movies together. I’ve assured her absolutely none of this was her fault but she still thinks there is something she did wrong. I wish I could make her pain go away, she doesn’t deserve to feel this way.
Mike, I’m so sorry for your loss. Your wife is so lucky to have you and you her. Keep being there for each other. You will get through this, but give yourselves all the time you need to grieve.
Hey Mike – I delivered our son December 5, in the registration bathroom of the hospital where my OBGYN sent us to schedule a dnc even though I expressed that I was having contractions every 5 minutes while at her office learning our baby was dead at 16 weeks. I’m so very angry with that woman for the way we were treated. Both my husband’s family and mine were all told about the pregnancy because we had made it past that 12 week mark and had received the chromosome results indicating that there were no malformations and that we could expect our son May 17.The doctor said the baby only measured 12 weeks when I delivered, apparently dying right after my 12 week sonogram measuring the baby at 12 weeks and 5 days. That makes no sense to me. None. The only thing that makes sense for me right now is that my husband has also been wonderful. He’s on his way home from work right now, coming home early because he could sense that I was having a bad day. I’m grateful to have him in my life. You sound a lot like him.
I’m so sorry for your loss. But I have to commend you for being so supportive to your wife. That is amazing, that’s what relationships are all about
i really need someone to talk to, im going through a though time. i just barely lost my baby on Friday the 12 and the babies fathers acting like he doesnt care. hes out with his friends. drinking having fun. while I on the other hand am tearing my self up. i wish there was something i could have done. Since our baby died he has seen me twice. and that was for about a minute each time. I asked him to come over last night, because i was crying and very upset but instead he hung out with his friends. I am not in a very bright place. and i would just like my baby back. i really just need someone to talk to.
I’m so very sorry for what your going through. .I currently found out my baby’s heart and brain aren’t developing correctly that if I go full term he will die in my arms ..I have to make the worst decision in my life..no woman should have to go through any of this alone ..I’m here for you to talk to and I understand your grief I lost my first pregnancy in June of this year ..
Hello, I am really sorry to hear about what you are going through..I had to made the decision earlier on this year..and then experienced a miscarriage three months later…
Nobody should ever have to make the decision ..I’m glad I have support on here and at home ..I’m heartbroken ..makes you feel a little better knowing others have gone through it and survived ..
Tay I lost my baby on December 12th also. I’m sorry you are going through this too. I was 17 weeks. I cannot stop crying and hurting. My heart literally feels broken.
I’ve found some comfort here in these posts. I suffered a recent miscarriage at 8.5 weeks, 4 days after our 8 week scan where we saw the heartbeat. That heartbeat, it was so comforting at the time. I had allowed myself to hope, to plan how we would tell our 5 year old. I had even ordered maternity clothes online just the day before. The doctor has me wait 10 days to see if I would miscarry naturally, but then had a d&C. I’ve had 1 before. This was my 3rd miscarriage and I’ve also have had 2 ectopics, so 1 live birth out of 6 pregnancies over 6 years. But this one was the furthest along. Post d&C, my uterus shrank, and my breasts started to leak milk,but there was no baby to hold. It’s been over 2 months, and while I don’t cry everyday anymore, the tears and the pain are just beneath the surface. When I am not busy with work, or not with my husband or son, they surface. I also turned 43 last month, and this last miscarriage was after 2 rounds of IVF. I wanted to give it my all before calling it quits on completing my family. I feel like I’ve given so much, with nothing in return – only to have this baby snatched away.. I get angry at my husband at life, at people. I bawl when i hear friends who are pregnant, especially the few friends in similar struggles with secondary infertiliy, get pregnant. I distance myself from them. I know this is not sustainable, but I feel sorry for myself and think of my sadness more than of their happiness. While at an intellectual level, I know I am not alone, it still feels like no one else can understand my grief and pain, and even if they did, they cannot take it away for me. So, I have been isolating myself. Also, I have given up trying, given my age. It doesn’t seem practical to try anymore, and that in itself is yet another loss to deal with. My son is more than some comfort, and love him dearly, but at the same time, I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same again. My husband has been wonderful, but he too cannot take away my grief.
Hi I just had a twin misscarrige one at time starting in June and the other one in August.. I’m devestated I’m 40. If you want we can email eachother?
Yes i dont know how to cope with my losses
Hi! Sorry took so long to reply. Somedays are harder than others its yidest
At gmail
Xo
Hi Yides, sorry haven’t checked this, busy with holidays and work. Would love to email with you.
Hi!!
Sure! Sounds great! Do you see my address?
;-))
I had a mc @ 19 weeks. I got to hold her and kiss her which meant so much to me. I want to talk to someone but Im embarrassed by my unpredictable emotions and i dont want pity. I dont even know where to start
Kassidy – I’m so sorry. In some cities there are support groups for those who have experienced pregnancy loss. Therapy is also a good option. Being able to share your feelings with a nonjudgmental professional can be incredibly healing.
I just suffered a miscarriage at 4 weeks on New Year’s Day. I haven’t told anyone because no one knew I was pregnant. I am 18 years old and a single senior in high school. I feel like I shouldn’t be feeling so distraught because of how early it was, but I’m grieving for the baby no one else knew existed.
I turned 45 on June 21, 2014 and miscarried on July 6. I have been just devastatd by grief. And I feel so betrayed and wronged by my family. Just 2.5 weeks after my loss, my mom callously informed me that 43.5 y/o SIL was very newly pregnant on accident, and my 41 y/o sister was pregnant, too. They are due 2 and 4 weeks after I was due to have my baby. I cannot express the intensity if my feelings about all of this. It’s a complicated story, too. I have 3 older children and always wanted another one. However, I was training to be a midwife for the past 5 years and this was even more important. This SIL and sister knew I had just miscarried, as did my mom. My mom and SIL have criticized my expressions of grief and the length of my grieving. My mom has no skills to offer any comfort or compassion. I am sick over it. I have removed myself from family functions because I feel so unsafe with too many family members. My SIL is a favorite of my mom and she has seemed to be neutral about my miscarriage while expressing concern about how my SIL will manage 6 kids. I honestly have homicidal thoughts toward her (I do not own a weapon and am not planning to act). I am seeing a counselor. It doesn’t seem to be helping much. I just saw my pregnant sister at the grocery store and had to promptly leave. She has treated me so badly and absolutely doesn’t want to know or hear about my feelings. And she has had 2 miscarriages herself! I was her midwife for her other two kids but I now feel as if she is a mortal enemy. It’s all a huge mess and I truly feel as if I lost my family as well as this baby I dreamed about for so many years. I am from a family of 13 children, and it seems to be the general culture of my family to ignore emotional need. All of these people I have such strong negative feelings about sent me Christmas cards, which felt truly ridiculous and even disrespectful.
Hi Barbara,
I also have three and I’m 40! Your post sounds pretty much like how I feel! I had very similiar with my family with my recent twin misscarrige. I totally understand how you feel.
And my husband doesn’t want to try again although he was excited about the baby.I’m scared, too, but he is just not so interested in starting over, in part because he will be 50 in September. I am desperate, though, and while I don’t want to manipulate him, I wish he would take pity on me and agree to try again. I somehow don’t feel angry at him, though. He has been my only support.
Barbara,
This is also how I and my DH felt after my missc.
A good friend gave me some advice and I want to share it. I totally know how you feel but remember he also lost a baby. Give him some time. Men express emotions differently. im sure when you give him some TLC time and space he will be more open to the subject. I think he will come around soon. In the meantime I know how hard it is just try and nurture yourself so you and your body can heal. You never know.. It’s very rough but the pain will ease up slowly and everything is better when we are relaxed!!
Hugsss Xox
Thanks for your responses, Yides. I would like to communicate with you via email if you are open to that. Is there a way for us to see other’s emails?
Hi Baraba!!
Sure! I’d like it too. My email add. Is yidest at gmail.com
Xoxo
Yides
After reading some of the posts I have found online I truly believe it is best I talk to a therapist about my lose. It’s been a year and a half since my miscarriage and it’s still eats me up. My boyfriend wanted me to get an abortion, I had thought about it and even went to an app to schedule one. While I was there I couldn’t do it. Three weeks later I found out the baby stopped grwing and that I was going to have to have surgery because my body didn’t realize it was a miscarriage. I still grieve about the loss, I feel as though I made the decision to keep it and in turn it stoped growing. I am so thankful for being able to share my experience with others.
Dear Lisa, I am finding it hard to move past the grief, too. Seeing a therapist may help. These losses of our babies just don’t make sense and are very hard to accept. It sounds like you may not feel like you could try to get pregnant again because of your partner? My husband and I are older and he is not interested in trying again. So I am grieving the loss of the opportunity to have another baby. Getting pregnant again seems to help sometimes, and when that avenue isn’t open it seems that the grief can last longer. Not that a new baby would replace the ones we lost.
I know that we can blame ourselves, too, even though the miscarriage was out of our control. I have to consciously say kind things to myself and pray for myself to counter all of the negative thoughts and feelings.
I wish you the best,
Barbara
I just experienced a miscarriage yesterday at 14 weeks, and it’s not as easy as I thought it would be..I’m 31yo and this was my first pregnancy ..I’m trying to heal mentally and physically. .I miscarried at home ..I’d been to the emergency 4times this week getting a pelvic exam 3out of the four times …I experienced pain as if I were having contractions and spotting which was the cause of two of the visits each time the baby was okay. .the bleeding preceded. and was heavier as time went by. .I pass the sac first I’m guessing and after the second trip to the restroom and when I cleaned myself I felt my baby coming out …I know this may be tmi for some I’m just speaking on the mental aspect of the situation every time I go to the restroom it bothers me …I’m getting better with prayer and family friends and I’m very thankful to have them in my life at this difficult time. ..I was really upset because after I miscarried it was a must to get checked out and I knew that … my mother and I had a disagreement about me not wanting to take the baby with me because I wanted to bury my baby or cremate the baby and bury in a flower ,I knew my rights but she didn’t agree with me wanting to keep it ..I called the hospital so they could tell her that it wasn’t illegal for me to do that and they confirmed they couldn’t do anything without my consent. .Well when I arrived at the hospital for my pelvic exam I clearly stated to the nurse when she came to take the baby that I wanted my baby back for burial and she said okay well lets just say they were sure not to bring my baby back and I think it is really unfair. ..They only want it to cut it up and throw it out as clinical waste. .they couldn’t tell me the cause I just don’t understand why they are so anxious to get and keep the babies…
Mekesha, I’m so sorry for your loss. This is such a difficult thing to go through. I’m also sorry the hospital didn’t obey your wishes to keep your baby. I’m sure this is making the whole healing process much harder for you. As you can see from all the comments here, you are not alone in your feelings and grieving this loss is completely normal. I truly hope you find peace as you work through your grief.
4 days before Christmas we lost our son ..he was 20 weeks and 5 days ..today my husband is picking up his remains from the mortuary. .I’m devestated that I couldnt do anything to save my son..moms are suppose to fix what’s wrong and I couldn’t ..still trying to work through my grief while returning to work. Where I’m finding some judgmental people ..
I’m so sorry, Noah’s mom. Such a loss you’ve endured. I know you feel like moms are supposed to fix everything, but that’s really not true or realistic of what motherhood actually is. It may be what society tells us, but moms know we can’t possibly control every outcome. Be kind to yourself — this is not your fault. Not even close. Sending you so much love.
I’m trying not to blame myself …it’s hard knowing so many people judge you if they know you lost a baby..this site makes me feel I’m not the only one who’s gone through this..thank you for your support…. lots of love Noah’s mom
I just had a miscarriage and i did not know i was pregnant. I was really upset and angry because i didn’t know if it was my fault or why me? I still don’t know the reason of my miscarriage but i am trying to get fit and be better prepared for my next baby. However, I have some days when i think of my lost baby and i just want to cry, fortunately i have a great husband and good friends who are there to help me. Now i just hope to be able to conceived again. Also, thank you for your article, it is good to know that there are people who are in the same situation as me and that we can find support through your words.
I suffered a miscarriage about a week and a half ago. I was 16 weeks. It was the most painful thing to hear that my precious baby did not have a heartbeat anymore. Just 2 weeks before this appointment everything sounded great. I never in a million years imagined this would happen to me since I have had a healthy pregnancy before. I delivered my precious son naturally last Friday. We named him Logan Thomas and were able to hold him and keep him in the room with us for as long as we wanted. There are so many emotions that I go through every hour. I’m sad, angry and confused all at the same time. I believe there is a reason this happened but that does not help my grieving process. I will never forget my sweet Logan.
I’m so sorry, Kristen. Sending you so much love.
Hi Kristen. I just went through a miscarriage at 16 weeks as well. I had the same experience- our last ultrasound looked great. It’s so hard to understand how things can change so quickly. You are lucky that you got to see your baby. I had to have a D & E and didn’t get to meet my little girl. They were able to stamp her feet and hands onto a piece of paper for me. This is the most heartbreaking experience to go through. It’s scary to think about getting pregnant again. I feel like I will be anxious the whole time. My heart goes out to you. I pray God will bring you some peace.
My friend just lost her baby at 8 weeks and it’s been just 14 days now, and I have never in my life heard such agony, I know I can never know her pain I am male, but the pain in my chest for her is more than I’ve ever felt.
I have found sites info all the stages, but I am so worried sick as she says she doesnt care to even live anymore that is scary.
I text kind words found an incredibly perfect pendant I am Loved at mother & child @Helzberg but she seems to only spiral downwards even deeper.
Can you ladies PLEASE guide me in some direction PLEASE, I fear the worst, as I sent a text while writing here “I Love You!” her reply
Thanks ! I certainly don’t. She means the WORLD to me and in different states I try, but it seems futile but I told hsr I WON’T GIVE UP.
if there were just 1 thing I could do or say RIGHT NOW what would it be ladies ??
I’m wondering if what I’m going through is normal.. I have a perfect 2 year old daughter. Last December 17th 2013, I miscarried and had a D&C after finding out at our 11 week ultrasound that our baby passed at just 6 weeks. I never bled at all, was walking around with this passed baby for 5 weeks And didn’t know..
6 months later I was pregnant again.. hopeful But afraid to get excited.. 8 week ultrasound showed healthy baby.
Then I woke up one night, at 13 weeks along in a puddle of blood. Went to ER to find out there were 2 inch clots on both sides of the placenta. Dr said its unpredictable what will happen now and put me on bed rest And pelvic rest..
I was devestated. It wasn’t until my 20 week ultrasound that we were informed that the clots had completely disappeared and we had another healthy baby girl growing !
I am currently 37 weeks now .. But for some reason I STILL do not accept this pregnancy. I am extremely worried about her health at all times. I am in complete denial. She does have a name because I knew I Will have to give her one soon anyway.. But I refuse to call her by name or even let my husband call her my name.. or tell anyone her name.. it just doesn’t feel right. I love her to death but by no means am I excited.. just scared and feel that there is no way I am bringing a baby home soon..
Until that 20 week ultrasound, I convinced myself I would not have this baby either.. so mentally, I’ve only “felt” pregnant for 17 weeks.. not 37. So I do not feel ready or even accept the feeling that I’m pregnant yet.
I also have become much more worried about something happening to my daughter or husband (He’s a police officer so there is good reason for that though) I feel very insecure about everything.
Why hasn’t this feeling gone away ? Is this normal ?
I feel such guilt. This baby deserves the same excited mother as my daughter had.. I want to be excited for her. I pray she is healthy constantly ! 🙁 🙁 🙁
I had a bad tubal pregnancy in begining of September 2014 and lost both tubes im devastated i just have one ovary and a uterus.wanted to knw is there any hope of getting pregnant
i found out i lost my baby on the 2nd of jan 2015 at a scan as i felt something was wrong 🙁 we went for the wait option but baby didnt want to go so had an erpc on the 20th Jan yesterday , i feel so empty and lost 🙁 i was 9 weeks 6 days and all i want is my baby back . i have 3 other children 9 , 4 and 2 . its so hard i feel my husband doesn’t understand, he wants me up and about doing housework and back to normal when im still in pain as if nothing happened. he to is grieving i think this is his way of dealing with it . I just want my bed Im devastated 🙁
Sammie – I’m so sorry. Let yourself grieve this in whatever way you need to. Rest, cry, talk to people about it…whatever helps. You’ve endured an incredible loss, but you will heal and be happy again.
Im 28 and I just had a miscarriage for a 1st child from my first sexual intercourse, I just never thought God could make me go through this, im nt a saint all I just wanted was to do what honours him by waiting and not engaging in sex with multiple partners I just wanted to get married 1st or find someone I really love n connect with though is not every one who believes in no sex before marriage but we agreed to wait til marriage but things don’t always go the way you want or plan in life. It happened it felt right not even a single day have I felt guilty I Didn’t even wanted to justify it or anything I was happy and inlove n a month later I missed my periods I didn’t think it would happen the way I always prayed it would that when I get married I want to catch on my first time though we not married yet but we were so happy n never been so inlove, 3 months later which was last monday I miscarried n found out itbwas a girl n we both wanted baby girl. Never in my life have I had such an excruciating pain I better now but every night I go to sleep I still feel pregnant when bath the breast milk comes out its pure torture I wish I can just be pregnant again tomorrow but I have roto wait n heal for least 3 months. This hurts more than anything I could ever imagine but through it it all I still say I Love you LORD.
I’m so sorry for your loss..give yourself time to grieve ..nobody can tell you how long to grieve it’s up to you..I lost my son who was 5 months in Dec and it still hurts.. much love and hugs to you
I am so sorry for ur loss. I got pregnant end of July last year after trying a year and a half and had a miscarriage and D&C in September. I was 8 weeks but my baby only measured almost 6 weeks. I saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound but it was slow. Dr told me to expect to miscarry. I was so scared and afraid to be alone. It’s been almost 5 months and it still hurts so bad. I miss my baby so much . My due date would have been around April 22 and my sis-in- law is due with her 4th child on April 26. It’s hurts so bad to be around her. I am like you, I want to get pregnant now but it’s in gods time.
Ive just recently experienced a miscarriage , even though myself and my partner are so lucky to have a beautiful clever funny lil 13month old but this has been such hard experience for us we never thought go throuh this as always hearing off stories ‘ you never think you ” im numb at the min think ive cried as much as i possibly can as i dont know grieving process will the pain stop eventually x
I gave birth at 29 weeks on the 11th of Dec 2014 via c-section cause the docs noticed my babies heart beat was too slow. they said she wouldn’t survive but the moment she came out she was screaming any crying like a normal baby and we discovered she has congenital heart block and would need a pace maker but weighed too little to do the operation. she survived three weeks in neo-natal ICU and passed away on the 5th Jan 2015. i haven’t been back at work yet and i just cant face the world. i feel hopeless and depressed. i know they say it gets easier with time but not for me. she was my first baby and her actual due date was suppose to be 25th Feb 2015. i still have all her clothes and nappies that we bought her. we even moved to a bigger house early december last year for our greatest expectation.i have a history of depression but for the first time i will be starting meds soon i hope they keep me alive.
Thank you for this post! I was sixteen when I miscarried,i’m now nineteen.I hadn’t even realised I was pregnant.I know some people might find this strange in me saying this but I kind of got the sense.I was really depressed but I thought nothing of it ,depression runs in my family. My parents even considered getting my cousin Conor Cusack in to talk to me,he is a spokes person for people with depression as some people may know. It’s was after I realized the reason I was depressed is because I was pregnant it was the change in hormones and part the reason I could never sleep at night or eat properly. When I realized I was pregnant I was absolutely devestated! I blamed myself! “What if I had just done this instead of that etc..” The nurse was able to tell me I was two and a half months gone estimately. I didn’t talk to anyone about how I was truely feeling as only my family and my boyfriend at the time knew. My family were devastated and knew i’de fall back into depression which I did and I received counselling for this.Of course Conor was a great help to me through all of this! My boyfriend at the time was so inconsiderate. He didn’t even support me emotionally and didn’t know what to say. Of course I finished it straight away and funnily enough only two months ago he text me all upset ringing me about our miscarriage. When I miscarried I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone I blamed myself,i was angry at god for taking my baby away from me, for not giving me the chance when there’s people out there who don’t deserve or want children,I was mad and upset seeing other mothers, I went through so many stages. My mother, and most might think this horrible, kept the remains of what was left of my miscarriage. But I still can’t find the courage to bury him/her.I feel by burying it I’m letting go and I don’t Want to do that.. It’s been almost three years and words can’t describe how i’m feeling writing this.. But i’ve wrote this because i’ve found talking about it helps me in so many ways. I’ve only told one person out of the family about this and that was four weeks ago. To my Bestfriend. So now she understands where i’m coming from & i’m able to talk openly about it with her.I feel i’m including what would have been my son or daughter in a lot of things I do so I encourage all other Mothers,yes mothers to talk about it! Every woman no matter how long gone who has miscarried,is a mother. I understand completely where everyone’s coming from.when i’m feeling sad i like to write it down. It’s what helps me. I’m not saying you’ll forget about it eventually, the pain never goes away and that emptiness your feeling.i feel ever since that day a part of me died with it. But you learn to live with it that’s all! If you would like to talk feel free to message me
Thank you so much for this post. I found out I was pregnant on the 9th of January… Only to miscarry on the 12th. I felt like I was the happiest girl in the world only for my happiness to be stripped from me a couple of days later. I am not in tears anymore, but it still hurts and there hasn’t a day that has gone by so far that I don’t think about what could have been. Everyone around me tells me this happens more often than you think, and while I know it’s true, it still feels like a stab right in my feelings. It is February 12th today and I feel so sad.
Nia – I’m so sorry. You deserve to feel any way you want to about all of this. Give yourself as much time as you need to grieve “what could have been.” You’re not alone.
i lost my baby boy on 10th of February this year, i had just turned 5 months into the pregnancy… i am still in pain and keep blaming myself since i was under alot of stress from a broken engagement with my fiance and him distancing himself from me during this time. I feel low most of the time, i cant forget my poor little son who never me… will i ever move past this?
Sending you so much love. Losing a pregnancy is a painful, painful thing. Give yourself time to grieve and feel all the emotions you have about this. You will be happy again.
Hi Blessing. I know how you feel. I found out on Feb.21st that my 16 week baby had no heartbeat. The baby had died only a day or 2 earlier and I didn’t even know it. How could I not know? They made me wait a week for a consultation about what my choices were. I waited a whole week carrying my dead baby and then found out I would need to have a D&E. Even worse was that they didn’t knock me out for the surgery. I just can’t get over how awful everything was. My husband doesn’t understand why I’m still upset. He thinks I should be over it by now. I don’t know if I will ever be over it. I don’t know if I can ever try for another baby because I don’t know what happened to this one.
As read this I realize I am still coping with the loss of my daughter from last April 2014. I was 18 weeks pregnant when she diagnosed with many chromosomal birth defects in which lead to the hardest decision of my life. As a cervical dancer survivor, I was told I would have a hard time conceiving and when we did we were ecstatic. I’m now 33 yo and thinking I am too old to try again. There are a lot of whys? And regrets for not trying sooner. I wish I could just “move on” but in reality it’s not happening anytime soon. Why can’t I conceive again? I struggle with the thought that we are not worth parenthood especially when I see everyone else is having babies but you. This is my story. Glad to know I’m not aloe.
I miscarried last year n it still feels like yesterday. I blame myself everyday bcaz it was my reckless behaviour tht took d life of my unborn child… I was over a month pregnant bt I didn’t know. I later began taking oral contraceptive. The next thing I knew, I was bleeding….went to the doctor and I was told. I am sorry to say, but u had a miscarriage. I sat there with my mouth open wide. For a moment no words came. Then I finally said ok, n just walked out leaving the doctor there. For some time I denied it, I tried to suppress it but no luck. I may not have known that I had a little angel growing inside but that does not make it any easier. It hurts to know that I once carried a child but never held that child. Every time I see a baby, walk pass a baby store or a pregnant woman I feel as if I have this hallow space in my heart. Since my miscarriage I constantly dream about babies. The worst part is that I have no one to talk to. My friends don’t understand, my fiancé pushed me away during his grief and I can’t tell my family because I fear that they will look down on me for getting pregnant out of marriage. I never got to hear my baby cry or feel him/her kick…all I saw was fragments of flesh and tissue. How do u forget that and how do u heal from that…do u even heal.
Baby Rafiki – I’m so sorry for your loss and your pain. Having someone to talk to about something like this is really important. Have you thought about reaching out to a counselor to discuss some of your grief? You may find a huge burden lifted to be able to talk about this freely with someone who won’t judge your situation. Just a thought. You’re definitely not alone. Sending you love and peace, mama.
Thank you Becky…. I have thought about going to see a counsellor counselor but I am yet to. I don’t even know why, I keep telling myself that I can do it on my own but I keep ending up right back where I started.
I was 27w4d along thinking things were fine. I go in for a normal check up and was devastated to find out her heartbeat was gone. This was Monday the 23rd of February. I was told I had to be induced ASAP so I went in the next say around 2PM… I was still in denial just hoping they were wrong and she’ll come out screaming. But on Thursday the 26th at 10:51AM my world was crushed when I gave birth to a silent baby. They brought her in afterwards so I can see her and I feel so guilty now that I didn’t hold her. I couldn’t at that time I was so scared. My baby girl was motionless and silent. I was in shock for hours I couldn’t cry… I couldn’t feel anything until that night it hit me that I was an empty shell and how could my body fail me like that? How do you go from having plans, making a future to having nothing left in life? I feel like I’m just going through the motions amd I’d rather be with my baby girl than here. I didn’t know I could lose a baby in my 3rd trimester. I thought I was safe. I feel like if I would’ve takin better care of myself and my baby we wouldn’t have gotten to this point. I have nothing left in this world, she was all I was living for. My boyfriend is “grieving” in his own way and it’s killing me slowly to see him singing like nothing happened. Playing with his other kids and laughing. He has them and I have noone. I just want to be with my baby girl. My heart breaks all over again everyday. I hate myself for waking up and my baby doesn’t. I’m dying from the inside out and I don’t know what to do.
Melissa – I am so sorry. That is just awful. I’m so glad you’ve written here and shared some of your feelings. You have gone through something incredibly traumatic and it will take you time to heal. Let yourself grieve for as long as it takes. Have you thought about working through your grief with a counselor? I’d hate for you to feel completely alone through this process. I’m thinking of you and sending you so much love.
I miscarried this week – never got to hear a heart beat or feel my baby move – loosing my baby left me feeling empty, sad and angry. I am so sorry to read about everyone else also. Just know you are not alone. All my love to each and everyone of you.
I too never got to hear my babys heart beat I lay in bed at night and I still cant touch my belly a few months later it just hurts my heart knowing what was once there. I also read everyones story and knowing that including myself we have all been through this. Much love to all the women on this page♥
Had a miscarriage 2 weeks ago I was 6 weeks 5 days a few days before I had a ultrasound done and was able to see the heart beat and saw my baby..I feel like a piece of my heart had been ripped out and i don’t know what to do event keeps telling me to move on that I can always try again as in writing this treats are prong down my face and my wonderful husband is asleep in bed I don’t know how to tally to him about this because this war the one thing that I have always wanted I know I didn’t do anything to cause it but it feels like in being punished for something. No one that I know wants to talk about it and must days I just want to scream at everyone to understand. I don’t know we’re to go from here or what to do I have decided to get counseling as soon as I can…. just don’t know how to tally to my husband about any of this
Hi Trudy – I’m so sorry for your loss. You don’t need to move on like people are telling you to do. Grieving is an important part of the healing process and it’s important you take all the time you need to mourn the loss of your baby. I’m so glad you’re going to speak with a counselor. I hope it provides you with the safe place you need to process all your feelings about this. Could you have your husband join you for a counseling session? Maybe it would be good for both of you. Thinking of you and sending you love.
Thank you and I agree with u I have talked to my husband about it and he hasn’t really said a whole lot about it…I’m going to try again but I do have a friend that has let me talk about it and has been very supportive…not that I’m saying my husband hasn’t because he has…just been having a lot of bad days lately and wish for peace of mind for one day…work has helped but not alot
I miscarried on February 26, 2015 at 17 weeks and 4 days. I really miss being pregnant and my baby was a boy. I have good moments and then not so good moments. I sometimes still have thoughts of just dying because the pain is unbearable. I come from a religious family, and if it wasn’t for my family. I would probably be dead. I just wish I was still pregnant.
I’m so sorry, Ann. Your loss is very recent. Give yourself time to heal from this. Keep reaching out for love and encouragement — sitting alone with your feelings sometimes make them worse. Finding safe places to talk about your feelings can be so healing. I’m thinking of you.
In the 3rd week of October I found out I was pregnant when I was about 5 weeks along. My boyfriend was really excited about the pregnancy, and told everyone in his family right away. My family doctor didn’t schedule me in for a visit and ultrasound with an ob/gyn until December 30th which felt way too far away. I remember being a little annoyed at my boyfriend for telling everyone. I told him I felt tons of anxiety, and that I wouldn’t feel excited until I could see the ob/gyn. I wanted to see everything was good in there before I got excited. On December 5th I started a little brown spotting. My boyfriend started consulting internet medical advice, and he was trying to tell me brown spotting was nothing according to what he read online. I told him I wouldn’t feel better until I consulted my doctor. The first time I asked the doctor said it was probably so irritated from intercourse(this was no my regular doctor who told me this). The light brown spotting wouldn’t go away. I was worrying so I told my mom about the pregnancy and the spotting. She said it was normal and that she had early term spotting in all of her pregnancies. This made me feel better, but I did know I had to return to see my family doctor in a couple days to get the paperwork for my blood work to take to on/gyn and if this persisted I would be inquiring. It persisted.When I asked my doctor and he advised to me to the hospital right away. So off I went with the paperwork for my ob/gyn in hand. I spent hours there all the while thinking everything would be OK. The ultrasound technician told me she wasn’t supposed to tell me anything, but I bugged her until she told me I was supposed to be 10 weeks and 4 days but she could see a 6 week sized fetus. I knew this wasn’t good news. By boyfriend was working 2hrs away, so I pretty much begged him to rush to me so I didn’t have to take the bad news alone. The results of my blood work would determine everything. The emergency doctor gave me the results that my BHCGs was in the 17k range. He asked me to come back in a week to re-do blood work and ultrasound. That’s when I pulled out the paperwork from my family doctor to show this e.r. doctor my betas were in the 25k range 3weeks earlier. When he saw the numbers he told me the pregnancy was “not viable” in such a cold manor. I was happy my boyfriend made it time so I didn’t have to take the news on my own. I spent the next 2 weeks bouncing between doctor and hospital. They gave me misoprostol, to pass the baby on my own at home. It was a rough holiday season for me.I’m still suffering mentally even though some months have passed. My partner doesn’t understand why it’s still such a sore spot for me. I really wanted that baby. I’m 33 and this would have been my first.We haven’t decided together to try again , and doesn’t seem like I have much of a say in that regard in my relationship.
Lana – Thank you for sharing your story. It’s completely normal to still be suffering this soon after a loss like that. Healing from miscarriage takes time and it’s important you keep talking about this with people you trust. You’re definitely not alone. Sending you so much love.
I found out I was pregnant very early I was in pain and discomfort I was referred to and ob doctor every thing looked good than when my hormone levels weren’t matching up to the measurements on the sonogram there were concerns that’s when I wanted to get a second opinion bc the first doctor said I could either wait to see if I miscarry on my own or have surgery so I wanted a second option the week before I saw the dr another dr for my second opinion I went to the hospital bc I was in pain They didn’t see anything wrong they said I was four weeks along they put me on bedrest when it came time for my second opinion drs appointment I went it they did a sonogram and the measurements were the same as it was the week before when I had went to the hospital so I was given the option of surgery or I could take a pill to help my body miscarry bc it wasn’t doing it on it’s own they said. If I kept the pregnancy in I was at risk for bleeding and infection the pill was said to take 48-72 hours to work I didn’t want that so I got surgery. It’s hard I have other kids but this would of been my finance and my 3 child together I have 4 others with my ex he was so excited. I don’t seem to be myself lately I’m very distant I feel alone and lost I feel like the world forgot about me. Or is mad at me. I have been off work and while they understand I feel like I did something wrong. I sleep alot and just don’t feel like the Happy me I was before I found out I was pregnant. I just want to feel normal again.
the surgery was the 25 of March 2015
Amber – I am so sorry for your loss. Miscarrying is a very difficult thing to go through and it takes time to heal. If you aren’t feeling like yourself, that can be a sign of a more serious problem, like depression or perhaps anxiety caused by what happened to you. I encourage you to reach out to a doctor or a therapist to discuss how you’ve been feeling. I want you to feel normal again too, so don’t wait long to get help.
OMG!! How long will I feel empty and alone? My first D&C is scheduled for six in the am. I knew something was wrong a couple of weeks ago;felt detached from my “baby”. My OB appointment confirmed my fears. As i looked at the screen, although I’m not a doctor, I could definitely see a change from my 6week check up. I was only 10 wks, but this would have been my first at 39 yrs of age. Any advice?????
I really appreciate this forum. Thanks so much Becky, for everything that you do. It’s really nice of you to take the time to validate what we are all feeling,and that you show love and support to all of us.
Just found out I had a miscarriage today. It’s hard to know that I lost a part of me. I wish it was something I could have done to prevent this
I met what I thought was the love of my life. I was dating a doctor and he treated me like a princess ive never dated a man like him before. I found out that I was pregnant on thanksgiving. I called him that afternoon a little before he was going to come over my house in a panic. He said im sorry I cant have any part with your pregnancy and broke up with me. My life was falling apart right in front of me. Around 2 weeks earlier we werent careful so he suggested that I take the plan b pill and he would buy it for me so I agreed. I took the pill before so I didnt see any harm in taking it. I took the pill and I bled for about 2 weeks straight. I had very bad fever and chills and I had no clue y bc plan b doesnt do that. So fast forward to him knowing the whole time he told me that my baby would be born with deformities and he begged me to have an abortion and he prayed that my baby would die. I was devastated everyday just feeling so alone and worried about my babies future. I was starting to get excited and my love for my baby was growing because I was scheduled for my first sonogram the day before christmas eve. I go and they kept trying to find the heart beat and she couldnt so she took a few pictures and said dont worry im going to show these to the doctor and we will call you later today. I go home and I get what was the worst phone call of my life. At 8 weeks my baby had no heartbeat. I dropped to the ground crying in disbelief. I was scheduled Christmas eve morning for a d&c. I was crushed. Now that pill that I took I researched it with my gynecologist and the fact that he is an internal medicine doctor he has acess to any type of pill in the hospital. Methotrexate is what they give women in abortion clinic before they are 8 wks pregnant to terminate pregnancy. Its what they give to cancer patients and leukemia patients in the hospital. I have no proof of this bc it was already out of my system but the plan b does not do this. Not only did I have to go through my pregnancy alone have a d&c but the father of my child was the who killed my baby. I am still going through all of this a few months later sometimes at night I just have a heart wrenching cry wishing that my baby was still there. I just feel so robbed of what was supposed to be my little beautiful baby.I pray that someday I can get pregnant again and I can have that smile brought back to my face again because it is the most beautiful feeling. I just felt like I needed to share my story somewhere because im still going through this
I am/was 8 weeks pregnant and I miscarried this weekend. I have spent the day crying and my boyfriend asked me “What is wrong with you now?”. I was only 8 weeks, I only knew I was pregnant for 4 of them – am I silly to feel wretched? I feel like it is a massive loss. We are poor, and were worried about how we were going to cope but I didn’t want this. I never wanted this. I want my baby back. I don’t want to go into work and people know. I wish I never told anyone. I wish I never took a pregnancy test and then I would think it was just a heavier time of month. I wish I didn’t have to face my pregnant friends or friends who are mothers, or see ‘I am a proud mummy’ on facebook. Am I a horrible person? I feel ‘Why Me’ and told that I am selfish for thinking that. I want to run away.
Rebecca – I’m so sorry. You are right, this is a massive loss. No matter how far along you were, you lost the baby you wanted. It’s a devastating thing to have to go through and you have every right to feel as sad, mad, or whatever you want to feel about this. Give yourself as much time as you need to process what happened and to grieve this loss. Reach out for help if you can. Finding someone who will listen and not judge you could be very helpful in healing from this. You’re not a bad person, you’ve just been through something very, very hard.
Hello Cella,
I am so sorry about what happened to you and I wish I could make you feel better. The situation you describe is tragic and I was very touched by your story. My life’s circumstances are different from yours but I share with you the common experience of pregnancy loss. I had many losses – for different reasons. One was caused by a medication that was prescribed to me in preparation for an ART cycle to treat infertility. The dr had forgotten to put me on birth control and unwittingly I had become pregnant despite my diagnosis of infertility. I lost my baby due to this prescribed medication. One thing I know is that our babies are safe where they are now, safe in a place where there is no pain, no fear, no suffering and that someday we will be reunited with them through our Savior. Only Jesus can bring light in the darkness of our existence. There is hope through Him. I pray that you will be uplifted and carried by Him who died for all of us. I wish you the very best for the future, a meaningful Easter, and healing in body, soul, and spirit.
Anne
I just had a miscarriage this past weekend. I was 6 weeks pregnant. I’m not sure how I should feel. Part of me wants to be sad but then I think to myself I was only 6 weeks along. I feel people will think I’m silly and that it wasn’t even a “real” baby yet. My emotions are just kind of mixed up.
I am pretty lost emotionally right now. I just had a miscarriage April 1st. Our baby was 16 weeks. It was so unexpected, went in for normal dr appointment and couldn’t find heartbeat. I feel so sad and I also feel my anxiety levels increasing. My husband was suppose to return to work today but at the last minute I told him I needed him home and him just physically leaving me was so hard. I have my parents with me and my two young children but I feel such anxiety over my husband leaving. I’m not sure why. It’s like he is the only other one who knows what it is I’m feeling and I just can’t feel this pain alone. I pray this pain fades but I know my sons memory never will. It has made me grateful for the two blessings I have but also put a new fear in me to even think about another pregnancy. I’m not sure how to begin to grieve this loss but pray God will get us through it together. Thank you for this place to share.
Samantha, I know how you feel. I also lost my baby at 16 weeks in February. I also found out that the baby had died at a routine appointment. I have had a lot of tests done, but still have no answers about what happened. The pathology report came back normal and so did the genetic test on the baby’s chromosomes. If you haven’t had the baby yet, my advice would be to have as many tests as possible, because later on you’ll REALLY wanting an answer for why the baby died. I had to have a D&E because I had a previous C-section and they didn’t want to stress my uterus with an induction – so I never got to see my baby (which sucks). Healing after the surgery was really fast though, and it has a very low risk of infections, etc. Now I’m sitting here wondering where the heck my period is though – it still hasn’t come! I got VERY upset with my husband the night after I found out the baby died. I BEGGED him to stay awake and talk to me, but he fell asleep within five minutes and left me alone. 🙁 He didn’t understand.
I’m so sorry for your loss Tina. I did have our baby already. They induced me and we got to spend as much time as we needed with him. Being able to hold him and tell him how much we love him helped us so much. I am extremely lucky with such a wonderful husband who has been so kind and supportive. We have sent the baby to have an autopsy and plan to do as much testing as we can. We hope to find out the reason but know there just may not be one. Thank you for your kind words and my thoughts are with you as well.
I need some input please. April 23 will make a year since my baby died inside of me. I want to honor her to make her life matter, to celebrate her in some way but I don’t know what to do. I have a box in which I write her letters and put in there along with pictures of myself, her dad and her half brothers. Her ultrasound and other things that were hers. On the anniversary of her death I feel it is important to keep her memory alive to acknowledge the fact that she was. I just don’t know how to do that. Is there anyone who has suggestions for me. I don’t want my baby to be forgotten.
It has been eleven years today that my daughter Mary was born. She came early at 23 weeks and survived for just the briefest moments. I feel her loss acutely every year on her birthday. Time has healed much of the pain but on this day sadness always fills my heart. I remember her each year by visiting her grave, bringing her flowers, and sharing with her all of the things that have brought me happiness during the year. I wish that I could say the world will remember but sadly most won’t. Time has a way of passing and people expect that this loss will pass. I know that it never will because the love I had for her did not die when she did. All she left me with we’re hopes and dreams. I have since been blessed with a son who means the world to me. Cherish your child in a way that brings meaning to you. Remember them your own way. Do not feel sadness or anger if time diminishes others grief or memories because you will hold your child always in your heart.
I needed this, so thank you for taking the time to write it. I recently suffered my third miscarriage in a year’s time and have been struggling with the emotional rollercoaster, trying to bounce back to feeling like myself, but being pulled right back down into a pit of despair way too often. Somehow, it’s comforting to know that all of what I’m going through is normal and “acceptable”. I have no idea from one day to the next how I’m “supposed” to handle all of this. Some days, it’s hard to just get myself up and moving without an onslaught of tears. Other days, I resolve to find some sense of happiness again once and for all.
I lost my baby on Sunday at 11 weeks, I would never think that this could ever happen to me.my husband is wonderful, caring and is there for me which does help.i feel sad and robbed and angry. I read your info and I feel better that is perfectly normal to go through this. Still I dont know how to deal with it, how to accept and move on. Time heals, so I hope I get there.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my son almost two weeks ago at 16 weeks pregnant so I know your pain. I can say that in the past 13 days my pain has eased a little. I miss him so much and I don’t think that will ever change but there has been one night so far I haven’t cried myself to sleep so I think that’s progress. I have started to feel other emotions other than just pain again. It’s a slow process so don’t rush it. Also when I do find that I’m feeling a little better it makes me sad because I feel guilty or I’m loosing my connection to my son. This is so confusing. My husband and I planned a trip in a few months so we have something to look forward to and also gives us something other than our loss to talk about. Maybe you and your husband should do this? It would give the two of you time to heal together.
Your not alone.
I have one beautiful miracle baby that’s 3 years old and have had 5 mc since and two before. I am 23 and have been married 5 years to my high school sweetheart that I have known and dated since I was 14. I recently had a mc two Thursdays ago. 15 weeks along and just finished passing the placenta yesterday. I feel disconnected in my marriage. I forgot how to need things for my self or be a priority. I have forgotten me and so as he. He And my daughter are all I have ever thought about since they came into my life and……. I have given them everything I have. And now I feel like I have nothing and all he expects is more. I feel so distant from him, so i cling to My daughter. I don’t share my pregnancys due to the mcs and have no one because my husband doesn’t like talking about it ever. he would rather worry about making his days fun and carefree and usually with out me. I feel lost and alone with someone who doesn’t remember I am a person or just ask how I am doing. It might be hormones. You can Call it what you will. But sitting alone in bed at 1230 at night wondering the last time I felt like I mattered is really hard. And I feel like I could just shatter into a million pieces and never want to pick myself up. I would rather be alone and not cared about than give everything I have plus some to someone that has never cared about me more than he has himself. And than pretend like nothing bothers me so I can make it through another day being the best mom and wife I can be. I have never wrote one of these. I just feel like I am at a breaking point and needed to just……….. tell someone anyone how I feel.
Hi Stephanie. I’m sorry you’re feeling so down – I’ve been there myself. I also felt like I didn’t matter and that I might shatter. I also know what it feels like when a husband doesn’t seem to understand or really even care about the miscarriage. I have had several miscarriages, but only one in the second trimester at 16 weeks. We never got any answers for why it happened, and I know how horrible that is. I feel like I can’t get pregnant again without knowing what’s wrong or my next poor baby will just be like a guinea pig…maybe it will live, maybe it won’t. After the loss, I hated laying in bed awake listening to my husband snore peacefully. Within one week of the miscarriage he and my own mother were talking about how they thought I needed to go to the doctor and get antidepressants – as if I was somehow being unreasonable by being sad and depressed. I should’ve somehow “snapped out of it” by then. My husband even told me to stop being sad because it was upsetting everyone. Really? I actually got fed up, threw a screaming fit and left. I really did. I packed a bag, went to the bank for some cash, and left. I was going to drive down south and drink Margaritas on the beach (it was freezing at home). It was the kind of thing you imagine doing every time you get really pissed but never actually do, LOL! But, my daughter called me crying and begged me to come back home, so I had to turn around and come back. Never got a single Margarita – but the road trip was a freeing time for me. I felt like an actual person again – like ME. And I think my husband about crapped in his pants when he realized that if I left he would have A LOT of work to do!
Also, I just wanted to let you know that there is a group on babycenter. com for women with multiple losses. It’s been a help to me to hear stories and talk to other women who have been through a similar situation. It’s in the Grief and Loss directory.
My husband was previously married and he states he mourned their miscarriage, he states didn’t want baby with her however mourned the loss. He says it was the way the loss was presented to them by dr. We recently have suffered a miscarriage and he has not mourned or shed a tear and has yelled at me when I ask why wasn’t ours impt enough to mourn over. If mourned his ex wife’s loss becuase of being told by dr why wasn’t having to loss ours and flush him away in toilet worth mourning?? feeling helpless hurt and alone.
I just found out through ultrasound that my baby’s heart stopped beating a week ago at 8 weeks along. I take comfort in knowing that I am not alone in this. I was in tears at the grocery store today with all of the Happy Mother’s Day balloons everywhere. I know I will feel better eventually.
Hello.. Is there a link or place where I can talk and communicate with other mothers who lost there children. I lost my son 2 weeks ago and feel alone. I can use all the help possible.
I was 23 weeks 2 days and felt really sick. We went to the Dr and confirmed our biggest fear. No heart beat. Now everything scares me, I think I have every medical problem known to man. I was to go back to work today but can’t. I don’t feel ready. My heart breaks now that my husband is going back to work. I found comfort in a small puppy but I’m holding on to the puppy tight. I’m scared to losing it too.
Hi Anna, there are some message boards here: http://silentgrief.proboards.com
How do I approach Mother’s Day?
My ex-partner (still close friends) recently suffered a miscarriage and we have Mother’s Day rapidly approaching (this weekend). We have two other children together who I would normally help with cards/gifts for Mother’s Day and I intend to continue with that this year. I expect that in itself to be fraught with emotions both good and bad and I’ll be there to help through that. My concern is whether or not I should include the lost baby in the event. I don’t want it to be the elephant in the room by not saying/doing anything, but I don’t want to rub salt into a very open wound. Do I sign a card with the intended name of the baby, do I present her with flowers from the baby, do I suggest some kind of moment of contemplation for the lost baby? Any thoughts on this would be gratefully appreciated.
Thank you
First, it shows that you are a great partner that you are even thinking this through. Kudos to you, and I am very sorry for your loss. You have to truly think about your partner and how they have taken the miscarriage (everyone takes it differently).
My husband didn’t make mention of our two losses, BUT part of my gift was a heart charm that read “forever in my heart”. I knew his intentions and it brought tears to my eyes. And he was there to comfort when the tears began to fall. He included a charm from my two girls, and one that he chose himself to depict what he feels of me (one called “inner radiance”). It was truly a touching gift. I don’t want to forget my lost babies. If your partner is anything like me, a suddle remembrance can go a long way. Or possibly a simple, “thank you, for everything you are for our family. I know that things aren’t always easy, and lately things have been tough, but we love you and appreciate that you have given yourself to every member of our family completely.”
Good luck!
I am the father who found his 7mo old baby, in his crib sleeping, forever now. With God he is, but with me is hard to identify. I was a stay at home father up at 530 to 6 am who worked at night when mom came home at 5. Day inand day out my baby was my life, my everything next to my wife, we would do so much everyday, our bond was as strong as a mothers, being that we were together since 6 months gestation. He was preemie. I watched him grow, oh so beautiful, he is gone now, i am heartbroken, i dont know who to turn to bc i cant find someone who has found their child who was so involved in raising him. To which i was then interrogated as customary for deaths, however im a male and was even being accused l, not directly, but it was there. 3 hrs away from my wife and child to be raked over finding my child, not alive. Any quotes to hel or good books? This just happened very recently and i have great support, but not one of them can help me understand what im feeling. Besides grief. R.i. P. My son.
I understand whole heartedly of the pain, grief, that the loss of a child brings, I lost two-twins, girls, they only lived a few hours, I carried them, six months, was told their lungs just didn’t develope I miss them everyday, I cry today even if I see twins somewhere, this happened to me in 86, of November 6. its just like a surgical scare, it diminishes over time, but you always know when you see the scare what happened.god bless each and everyone who has lost and regained strength to carry on, it all comes from god. he sees us though the pain, he never leaves us. rejoice in the comfort of knowing one day, one glorious day, we will see them again
Thank you for this today I needed to hear other people stories of what I went through and held it in for so long…I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks but my baby never grew and I couldn’t understand why or what was going on and went to the Doctor for a regular check up and in the same day had to do a DNC because my baby never grew it went by so fast and quick I didn’t have time to think about anything or grieve at all. Now it’s been 2 years and I feel like I’m barely grieving because I cry from time to time wishing I had my baby with me but I know God’s got better plans for my baby. Thanks for the advice I appreciate your stories it helps to know I’m not the only one going through a miscarriage…Stay Blessed & Not Stressed…God Bless Everyone Amen ☺
I will pregnant with twins and one day couldn’t get off the toilet cause one of my baby pass and the other one die later that night. It hurt me so bad i still think about what they will be like. I loss my babies last December right before new years.
I lost my little one at 9 weeks and 3 days. It was two days after we announced it to our family and they were all over the moon about it. I woke up not feeling too good and I knew something wasn’t right, I was in denial though. Then I started bleeding heavily and felt something slip out. I didn’t know I would see my little baby. She was only an inch, but she had a face, two little black olive eyes and a faint mouth. Tiny little hands. I cried out for my husband and he came running. I feel like I failed. I failed to keep that little person alive, I know there was nothing we could do. It was worse when my husband started crying. He made a tiny coffin for her. I feel so miserable and if we try again I’m scared that it’ll happen a second time.
Hi Im 22 years old lost my baby in February. I don’t know how to feel one day Im happy and moving on the next I just sit and think about my loss I was about 3 months pregnant I was really excited thought of a name if it was a girl or boy that type of thing. Now Im just scared to have another baby i don’t want to be like this but my husband sister is having her second child and I’m just really angry it’s like I envy her I don’t want to be like this because I’m not this type of person. Everytime I look at a baby it’s like I distance myself I don’t know who to talk to because I’m not the type to talk feelings to anyone including to my husband. I do accept the fact that I have miscarried because God has a purpose for what he does. It’s just the mixed emotions and everytime my husband talks about he’s nephew I just distance myself. He’s only a baby i really don’t know why I’m like this I don’t want to be like this.
Hi Im 22 years recently lost my baby in February I was 3 months.I have my ups and downs one day I want another baby the next I’m terrified of being pregnant again to go through the pain of a miscarriage.I have come to terms with my miscarriage because God has a purpose for everything.it’s the emotions I feel but I don’t shed a tear.my husbands sister is having her second baby and I just envy her like really angry I’m not this type of person I don’t want to be this type of person I use to love babies now I distance myself.whenever I see a baby. I have no one to explain to or to make understand how I feel because I keep alot in I’m not the type to talk about my feelings not even to my husband. I really do want a baby but now I’m just scared….
I lost mine at 10 weeks a week after we had told all of our friends and family. I had light spotting went in for a check up and was told there was no heart beat and all I could do was wait for it to expell naturally. At first I thought that was the worst of it having to go home and telling my boyfriend that I was carrying our dead baby inside me. The next day it got worst all I could think of was that they were wrong. I went to the doctor’s again had another ultrasound and was asked to see my OBGYN the next day. The next morning I was in so much pain I couldn’t walk and woke up in a puddle of blood. Now it was really the worst as I laid in the stirrups and had my midwife say “I need forceps,im sorry you just passed the embryo” and suddenly realizing my boyfriend had just watched it all happen. It all just seems like a horror film that I lived and he watched. I was fine for the first 2months after but now I find myself constantly thinking about what could of been. I cry almost everyday on my drive home. Maybe it’s time to get professional help.
Im so sorry for your loss I know the pain I loss my baby January 4 2015 my due date was set to be this month on the 29 , This was my first and only child I was 16weeks and he was stillborn I passed him at home I went through my whole miscarriage naturally so I understand your feelings keep praying and each day it will get better we’ll never forget and the man will never understand fully the connection,the emptiness we feel after losing a child the pain they experience is different from ours .. I still think about him all the Time I had a rough time on mother’s day but managed to pull through
There seem to have been two factors that made the loss of the baby worse for us:
1) nobody told just how common this was. At the time it was happening we were told that about 50% of pregnancies incur spotting, and about 50% of those end in a miscarriage! That’s 25% of all pregnancies result in a loss.
2) nobody prepared us for just how bad it would get. We got checked out when the spotting occurred, and then sent home (citing that 50% get some spotting), nobody said that it might get worse. When it got worse, what we thought was really bad, we went to the ER, at which point the baby was expelled. Eventually we were sent home again to “ride it out”. At home, it got worse, and worse some more and kept getting worse. There was so much blood, constantly pouring out. I’m convinced she went into shock, she certainly passed out a couple of times. The towels and blankets never did come clean. Why send us home completely unprepared for it?
If this is so common and so devastating (physically and emotionally) why don’t we have better education around this? Increasing awareness of what happens will help to prepare couples to handle the situation, we would know when to call a doctor or an ambulance and when to just hold each other.
It is an absolutely horrible experience. I was very fortunate that I switched Dr’s. We knew there was just something not right. I got the same words you did until I switched. Having a Dr who was so intuned and informative was a blessing. It didn’t make having our miscarriage any easier but I was aware. It was so scary and yes ALOT of blood. The feeling of your body going through all that was almost alien like…nothing I pray for anyone to experience. My husband was so shook up but was a rock for me, he didn’t fall apart until after. I laid in the ER that night, not the most comfortable place but it was our choice. He sat by my side trying to sleep upright not wanting to leave. It’s a horrific thing physically, emotionally and spiritually to go through and it makes us very shy to the possibility of getting pregnant again. It’s been 1 1/2 years since the miscarriage and we have been trying since March…nothing yet. However, the thought of going through all of that again is fresh in my mind.
Thank you for this article, I morn my five babies everyday. It’s hard being a Mum with no children.
I’m in the hospital now having miscarried for the seventh time, delivering my third stillborn baby. The grief is unspeakable, the experience without words. Maybe I’m one of the lucky ones, as I’ve adopted my daughter and son and my husband is the kindest man on earth. We’ve gone through this incredible sorrow but there is still joy. Every day makes it better. You’ll never forget; you’ll still see or hear something random and want to cry…you’ll still refuse to go to the Cemetery because your’re scared you’ll break and not find your way home. So I embrace the ones I love and pour my soul into that. I’ve named my children and think of them every single day. Your baby wanted to meet you, but he wasn’t strong enough to meet anyone else. He is out there and always with you.
This is a great post… I lost my first in March this year at 13 weeks and it has turned my world upside down. Devastated didn’t even come close and all I could focus on was becoming pregnant again. 3 weeks ago I miscarried for the second time at 5 weeks. I have a 5 year old daughter so I have carried full term without any problems before. It’s the most heart wrenching experience and it’s so hard to see light at the end of the tunnel. I’m terrified to even try again now.
I just read this today, after having miscarriaged 5days ago. I really don’t know what to say or what to do. For me loosing a baby is like missing a half of your life. I can’t really express it how I grieve, pretending to be strong for my loves ones around me, but Heaven knows I can’t accept the fact. Thanks God I found this.
Thank you for this post. I just found out that I’ve lost my beautiful little baby and honestly need to find ways to try and get past this loss as I suffer badly from depression, and at just 22 i know I mentally and emotionally can not handle a legnthy recovery. Sorry if that sounds selfish but I honestly do not mean to.
I called my baby my little lime and wondered if maybe getting something to remind me of this would be more painful or relieving. Something like a piece of art or a little tattoo. Has anyone done something similar to this?
what about if u have had two stillborn back to back and carried until 4weeks before your due date each time. and you all ready have 2 kids.
I miscarried 2 months ago I was in week 21 the cause was amnionitis that leads to septicaemia and I was admitted to I.c.u till the termination… although I have 2 children aged 9 and 10 but I am still pained for losing this baby I got pregnant with difficulty..I’m 35 and I don’t know if I can do it again or not
Well last month July I went to my local nursing clinic got a pregnancy test I had a feeling I was and all.. Found out I was…. This has been the 6th time I’ve conceived. First time I had an ectopic pregnancy.. Wow was that something :(… Anyways my last pregnancy which was last month turned out my hcg levels were going down .. Not a good sign.. Since I’m high risk Drs made sure I was scheduled for blood all week.. Also scheduled a ultrasound .. Soon to find out at four weeks they couldn’t see anything in “there”. Needless to say I had suffered from ANOTHER m/c…..
I have not given up hope on myself just quite yet, I am so in love with the thought of having my own baby my own mini me. Im very young and I pray for strength and the courage to get through what I’m feeling…. Very blue at times.
Till next time
I had a Miscarriage on Jan 17, 2015. I’m so overwhelmed. I didn’t know I was pregnant but when I found out I was so excited. I lost my baby shortly after. I have been depressed every since.
Keisha,
I’m so sorry to hear that. It will get better, especially if you find someone you trust to talk with, and please ask for help from a doctor if you feel like the depression symptoms are getting worse. Peace to you…
I went through a lot of what’s listed here but my biggest problem with this whole thing 10 months after I miscarried isn’t listed here. It’s the not knowing why I miscarried, not knowing if I’ll ever have a baby, and wanting one so bad that’s killing me. I was ready to try again 4 months after, mainly because that was when my cycle returned to normal so all the physical stuff was over, allowing me to move on emotionally. My husband was ready to try again emotionally but wasn’t feeling ready financially so we waited… Well, with every month gone by since we were ready (6 months to date), the financial situation got worse and worse and I slowly became more and more depressed. I am constantly wondering if I can even have a baby once we start trying again. I feel like I’m losing my sanity over it. I want a baby so bad, I can’t even look at Facebook anymore because of all the pics of peoples babies. It’s hard to be around my siblings with their babies. Especially because my sister’s baby was born when mine was supposed to be due, I was one week ahead of her before I miscarried and she ended up going into labor a week early. To make matters worse, I decided when I was 22, before I met my husband, that I wanted to give up my promising career and live my life devoted to family. My husband’s ideals/values were aligned and ever since we moved in together he’s been the provider and I’ve been the homemaker, but without children I feel so incomplete in my role, I’m yet to be a stay-at-home-mom, I feel like all my time is a waste until I have children. I’m 29 now. If I had known at 22 that 7 years later I still wouldn’t have a baby yet, I wouldn’t have given up my career so soon. And no, getting a job now won’t help because it won’t make me a mom, and I don’t want any career aspirations prolonging me from becoming a mom as soon as possible. I do tell my husband a bit of all this but I’m too afraid to say too much because it seems like women are taught that this kind of talk only turns men off, sexually, and turns them off from the whole idea of having babies. Desperation and depression is never attractive…
Hi Gigi,
I’m sorry you’ve experienced this loss, and continue to wait. That is not a small thing and your depression isn’t either. Have you considered talk therapy? It may be so helpful to find the right fit for you and work through this. I know it helps me, to have someone on the outside of my issues, giving me a perspective and tools to deal with all that I cannot control. Sending peace your way, Heather
Thank you for responding Heather. Yes, I’d love to go to counseling but we barely have enough money for food right now.
I’m glad i got to read this. I miscarried at 14 weeks last month and i only took one day from work to let my body do what it was double and the next morning i went to work still bleeding. I never let myself grieve properly because i thought if i just continued my life as if it didn’t happen i would forget about it. But it is the only thing that is on my mind every day all day. I wish i could have grieved the way i needed too
Hi Nicole,
I’m so sorry for your loss. Please know that you CAN still grieve and you are. You have not been able to run from it, and that is because your heart and mind and soul know what you need. It hurts to work through it, but it is the way to getting better. It would be really good to start talking with someone you trust about how you feel. Sometimes that is the best start, and then you can see how you feel about whether or not you need ongoing talk therapy. We all need that sometimes. Peace to you, Heather
This is a helpful article. I had my second miscarriage just a few days ago. It was my second miscarriage in just 3 months. The first one we started to announce it to close friends and family and just a few days afterwards it happened. It was heartbreaking to have to tell everyone that I lost the baby. I felt ashamed like there was something wrong with me. All of my friends were showing off their pregnancies and babies all over Facebook. The second pregnancy I miscarried at 4 weeks so we barely had time to let it sink in. But it was not any less heartbreaking. It’s true you really see who your friends are in situations like this. A friend who I considered somewhat close was very excited and would message me daily to ask me how i’m doing with my pregnancy but then completely stopped talking to me after I told her about the miscarriage. I’m starting to lose hope and wonder if I am even meant to have a baby.
Nancy,
You have experienced so much pain in so little time. I hope you find healing and hope. I’m sorry some of your friends are going quiet. Sometimes people don’t have the tools to rise above their fear of saying the wrong thing, so they choose to say nothing, and that hurts. Keep talking to those friends and family members you can trust. Talking helps so much. Peace to you.
Hi Heather,
Thanks for responding. I’m not sure if others are experiencing this but what I am finding is that my husband and others around me, although very supportive, just seem to get over it quickly and forget about it. Is it because we are the ones who were truly connected to our little ones? I’m trying to just go along my life normally but I feel guilty that I am not mourning. I’m not sure if I am really ready to go about my normal life or if I’m pushing it aside. Thanks for listening (reading). It helps to write without judgement.
Yes, I think sometimes it seems like people get over it quickly because they don’t talk about it. But they may be dealing with it in their own way. And we do just all handle things differently. And yes, I’d imagine there is something more for the mother to come to terms with because of the mind-body connection. You cannot grieve “wrong”, no one can. Even if we sit in denial for a long time, sooner or later it comes up and we all deal with it in our own ways. You are taking it one day at a time and feeling your feelings when you can. That’s a good thing. Peace to you.
Thank you so much for this article!!!!! I never knew that so many women suffered the same loss as myself! The feelings of blaming myself and being scared seemed overwhelming! However, God blessed me with a husband that isn’t afraid to show his emotions!! We had a still born son, April 2nd, 2014. We had a miscarriage December 2014. And another miscarriage on Mother’s Day of 2015…… But, I’m trusting GOD!!!!!! He is still GOOD!
I’m so thankful for this article!!! It’s healing to know that so many women suffered such great loss as myself!!! The feeling of blaming myself for losing my kids, can become unbearable! But, I thank God for blessing me with an amazing husband who is NOT afraid to show his emotions. We had a still born son April 2, 2014. We had a miscarriage December of 2014, and another miscarriage on Mother’s Day of 2015…..This has been a hard and emotional journey!!!!!! However, I am trusting and depending on GOD. I believe that he will bless us with a healthy full term pregnancy and baby! Once again, I am grateful for this supportive site!!!
I’ve been feeling so lost after loosing my baby as a teen . I’m so young but gone through so much. And on top of everything, I lost my baby. I’m barely 16 . And yeah I know a lot of you are going to be judging me . But instead of judging, HELP these other girls. Help them not to go through this. I’ve walked in the rain while the father of my baby was with another female (currently going to have a baby with her) and y’all don’t know how broken hearted I am. I’ve always wanted to go to church and tell my pastor to help me but I’m too scared. Not even my mom knew I was pregnant and still doesn’t know. I’m too scared and I feel so alone. I. Don’t want to see more girls go through this .
China,
I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re right, this is not the place for judgment. I hope you can find someone you trust to talk with. I understand you feel scared to reach out and talk about this, but my hope for you is that you find someone who will not judge, will listen, and someone who can talk with you about how to deal with this. Maybe a counselor through school or through a doctor is a place to start. I’m sending you peace, and I’m sorry for your loss.
Thank you somuch i lost my baby yesterday it’s was a miscarriage.im sooo broken i don’t know what to do I wish there’s something I can do to bring My child back????
Zahraa,
I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you peace.
I just had a miscarriage I feel so hurt alone embarrass empty . I don’t feel like talking about it I don’t want people pity onless u have been threw it . People always tell u everything happens for a reason I do t want to hear that God give u something u fall I. Love with and the. Just takes it away I dont understand .i just want to be left alone not be bother .
Nalley,
You are grieving and it’s okay to be angry and to want to be left alone. “Everything happens for a reason” is not what you need to hear right now. It doesn’t make any sense, and I’m sorry. I hope you will find healing and begin to talk about how you feel when you are ready. Take your time and take care of yourself. Peace to you.
I’m feeling a little better still Angry yesterday to my anger out on my husband I felt he wasn’t there when I needed him I was so angry I didn’t want to see his face ask him to leave . I’m scared to go to work and have people asking question . I don’t want people talking about I don’t want to hear it . I don’t want people assuming and asking me question about what happen .i took a week off from work I wish it was a month until I feel ok . I don’t want to go out scared to leave my house and feel like like people R going to be looking at me . Idk what to do all I know I don’t want to be around people I don’t care if is family I don’t . Am I going crazy I work in a retail store in the kids department . I have two kids and they r the reason why I’m still here cuz the way I been feeling makes me feel like I don’t want to be here anymore
Nalley,
Have you spoken to your doctor about these feelings? You are experiencing grief and your body is going through a lot. Depression and anxiety are often a result of all you are going through. There is so much help available and you are not crazy. You are not alone. This is very common and treatable. Please reach out for help if you have not already.
I Made an appoiment with my therapist for tomorrow so hopefully that helps. I don’t fee ready to go out side not even to take my kids to the park . My house is the only place that I feel ok . I want to be alone me and my husband R talking again but can help not been mad at him for not been in there just because . I want to find a way I could always remember my baby even tho I never got a pic of the sonogram which makes me really sad I didn’t ask for one . I didn’t get the chance to tell him or her how much we love him that breaks my hart .
Angel of my Tears
How do you love a person
who never got to be,
or try to envision a face
you never got to see?
How do you mourn the death of one
who never got to live.
When there’s nothing to feel good about
and nothing to forgive?
I love you, my little baby,
my companion of the night.
Wandering through my lonely hours,
beautiful and bright.
What does it mean to die before
you ever were born,
to live the lovely night of life
and never see the dawn?
Ah! My little baby,
you lived like anyone!
Life’s a burst of joy and pain.
And then like yours, it’s done.
I love you, my little baby,
just as if you’d lived for years.
No more, no less, I think of you,
the Angel of my tears.
~Author Unknown.
Thank you For sharing all this, I just miscarried 6 days ago. This was my first pregnancy, and was very excited about becoming a mom. I lost her at 13 weeks, 2 days before my first doctor checkup. I have been very emotional, i feel strong one moment and the next crying. Its like a deep sadness inside of me, i didn’t leave my room today except for making meals. I feel like hiding and not wanting to be seen, I live in Ecuador, a third world country and experienced so much trauma at hospital that it took me a few days to accept the reality that my baby isn’t here anymore.My Husband even though he is a sweetheart, doesn’t understand why I am crying all the time.We have had problems from him getting upset about me so easily crying about everything. I was devastated to find out my baby wasn’t in my womb after they took my placenta out, and did ultrasound. My one consolation was for us to hold our baby and say our goodbyes. I realized she had come out in the bathroom at first Hospital. The hardest part about grieving is when others don’t understand, or they try to tell me things I already know,Honestly women who experienced this, are the only ones who I can talk to.I just want to be weak and grieve, but life demands I stay strong.
Oh Wyndi, I’m so sorry for your loss. Life really is so demanding, especially when you need to grieve. You do need to take care of yourself right now and I hope that you have the help you need. It would be good to look into some therapy if that is available for you. You will begin to heal and feel better. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, it’s so hard. I’m sorry.
help, please? My girlfriend has been having a lot of trouble coping with the loss of our son. it has been three months, I don’t expect her to bounce back immediately, but she has been waking up at around 2-4 a.m. asking where our son is. I once got her to go to sleep believing he was there, but I usually have to find a way to bring her back to reality in the least hurtful way. I don’t know what to do. I would really appreciate some advice. Thank you.
Oh Andy, I’m so sorry both of you are going through this. You are doing exactly what you need to do by being there for your girlfriend and for reaching out for help. You guys are going to need ongoing support. I hope you will consider talk therapy if you haven’t already. Grief lasts and lasts, but it gets better. Your girlfriend will get better. You will get better. There is no shame in needing a lot of help for a long time. Sometimes that means medications for sleep and/or depression and anxiety. That is something for you guys to consider with a health professional, of course. There are excellent grief support groups around the country as well. Just know this: You are not meant to do this alone. We are creatures in need of help, especially when life is so terribly hard. There is help out there. Peace to you and yours.
I am 29, I had a miscarriage on the 25th august only 5 days ago. I was 10 weeks pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant we were so happy, I already have a son from a previous relationship who is nearly 8 this baby would of been his first.
When it happened I held my little baby in my hands and it is all I can think about, her little hand and feets, her eyes and mouth. I am struggling I feel like I am falling down a dark whole and cannot get out.
After the miscarriage my partner was so upset with me, we were devastated kept telling me it just wasn’t meant to be and we can try again. This I didn’t need to hear, I feel like screaming to the sky at times. My partner said it maybe best not to think of her as a baby but I just looked at him and described the tiny baby I held and yelled how can you say that. I know for him it will help for his own grief but I feel like I cannot be sad anymore, like he expects me to get over it ( I know deep down this is not true but I am so low). All he keeps asking me is ‘am I OK, do I need to see the gp’, surely as its only been 5 days I am allowed to be sad!! I now just put a face on and smile with the reply of yes I am feeling fine. I burst into tears this morning after we had a small argument, over nothing. He just looks at me like I am mad, I know he must think I am depressed. I don’t feel like I am, I see it as my natural path of grieving. Do I need to go see my gp? I feel like I have the right to be upset, I just don’t do it in front of my son so maybe because I put a smile on for my son but drop it when I am on my own he sees that as a worry. I feel like screaming at him to leave me to grieve my own way but then I don’t have the energy or inclination to even bother.
Oh Kate, I’m sorry. This is so fresh and raw and yes, you can grieve exactly as you need to grieve. You have experienced a trauma, a devastating one. A person does not just bounce back from that. It takes time and yes, it does take help. How you choose to receive that help is your choice. Maybe if some times passes and you are struggling to come to terms with it, you can see your GP. But with something like this, seeing a counselor or therapist is key. When we are in the middle of something traumatic it is nearly impossible to see how to work through it. We need an outside perspective and someone to give us tools to use to cope. I hope that is an option for you. Again, I’m so sorry you are going through this.
I Still can’t believe what I went threw sometime I feel like I’m going crazy ten days ago I had my miscarriage . Idk what so hard for people to under stand ,one day is a normal day but when the night come I go to sleep crying my life out then the next day im just down I even get in a bad mood , I never though this healing was going to be so hard I ask my self am I going crazy because that’s how it feel . I miss my baby solo much I think about him everyday as soon as a I wake up with my baby on my mind . I stared working and I feel my life is empty im missing a peace in my life
I’ve miscarried twice this year, once in February and again at the end of June. After the second loss my Dr told me my uterus had a misshape and was almost heart shaped therefore there wasn’t enough room for baby to grow. Now I’m waiting to be scheduled for a certain ultrasound to see if the Dr’s are able to cut away at the divot. I feel like I have nobody to relate to or that understands what I went throug . My husband consoles me when I get real emotional about it but I just feel like I’m all alone in this.
Rachel, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Have you looked into any online support groups for infant loss and miscarriage? Sometimes it just feels good to read the words of other women in your shoes. Just that feeling of “that’s exactly how I felt” helps so much. I hope you hear good news as your go through this medically. Peace to you.
I just had a natural MC. I didnt know I was pregnant at all. scheduled papsmear, dr told me if I was expecting, I told her No I m on pills. She said she needed to scan me & there it was, a small seed..7w6d.It struck me coz I m having marital issues..i never got do scared in my life. Took the flight back & checked again, this time with a small beep..Told my husband that we’re expecting & he refused & asked me to abort it or he will take our other child away fr me..That day was the most horrible day of my life..I was extremely stress on my decision..I started to feel extreme back & abdominal pain like I m on labor & my heartbeat just didnt stop palpitating..Bleeding started and even more pain each day until the next day confused & wondering while at the super market..big kind of jello came out with unbearable pain..it came out just like that & rushed home & continuously bleeding with huge clots cameout..it was the most painful ever ever event ive ever had in my life..its been a week & i am still haunted by it..and I cant stop thinking & crying about it..
BC, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m sorry about the strain in your marriage and the lack of support. I’m sorry about the pain and the grief. I am sending you peace.
I miscarried only yesterday. I’m 17 years old and I was 4/5 weeks along. A test had proven that I was in fact pregnant but being young it’s a hard thing to think about. My boyfriend has been here for me but I feel so lonely still. Like I’ve really lost something. Pregnancy was caused by failed birth control but I still feel pain of losing what was really my baby.
Chloe, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope you have people to talk to that can help you work through it. You may need to see a counselor or therapist who can help you work through the confusing feelings. We all need that sometimes. I’m sending you peace.
I have a friend who has recently suffered the loss of her daughter. I want to help her, but dont know how or what to say. The world seems to be “moving on” and she said she feels like she is just “stuck”.
Hi Trish, you’re a good friend. Thank you for reaching out. If your friend isn’t seeking counseling or therapy that’s a good place to start with her. To talk over how that may be what she needs. And grief can often include depression, so if she isn’t seeing someone to assess that, it means she’s untreated and will stay stuck. Most people need medication to get through the loss of a child. It’s an insurmountable pain. Your friend probably most often needs, from you, support in even the quiet ways. When people are hurting like this there aren’t often words that will help. But they still want to know not everyone has moved on and forgotten. In other words, keep showing up. xoxo
I lost my baby at the end of June. I was 4 months . I’m still grieving now . I have days or weeks of normality..but I always fall apart in the end, and when I least expect it. just when I think I’m ready to move on ..it turns out I’m not. I keep taking it out on those close to me. Saying things I don’t mean . Crying screaming shouting and just being either a cow or irrational. Its starting to affect me at work also. As like 3 colleagues are expecting and are all as pregnant as I would’ve been now . Also my older brother is having a girl. and 2 sister in-laws are expecting too. and my best friend… All at the same time! I feel either jealous, or sad. I really don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to be happy for them. They all mean so much to me ..❤
Amy, how you are behaving actually makes a lot of sense. You are still dealing with hormonal shifts, you have experienced a loss and are grieving, and you are absolutely surrounded by pregnant people. It does hurt, it’s unfair, it makes no sense. It may be helpful for you to start some therapy to work through this (and anything else that comes up, we all need therapy). I’m sending you peace. Hang in there, it’s going to get better.
My wife just had a miscarriage on August 28th (our first miscarriage experience), and I can honestly say as a military veteran and former police officer (disabled while on duty) it was the most gut wrenching and sorrow filled day of my life. I am the strong one that always protects my family (we have 3 daughters ages 11, 8 & 6) from everything and takes care of my wife and kiddos against anything that can hurt them but nothing ever prepared me for the helplessness and utter lack of control I felt when my wife screamed for me to help her and I walked in and saw what was happening. She had been having cramps and spotting at about 5 and a half to 5 weeks in and I kept calling her OB/GYN to get a sooner appt. but they were booked solid and no other doctor could see her any sooner so we spent many a night at the ER where we were constantly told everything looked fine and to go home. As her symptoms got worse I got more frustrated with the hospital and her doctor, I know there was more than likely nothing they could have done at that point but I still feel that had her doctor double booked her based on her symptoms or squeezed her in between other patients maybe my son would have had the chance to be here with us now. To be honest, we were quite terrified when she suspected she was pregnant, a fourth child is crazy difficult to raise especially when all of them are still living at home and rely on us to take care of and nurture three of them majority of the time and a new baby requires 24/7 attention. However, we just embraced the news and decided we were going to welcome this new little one just like our three before, and we were both pretty sure it was going to be a boy so we were extra excited although we just wanted he/she to be healthy and happy. Then the 28th of August came, and there is no feeling like seeing your wife in so much pain, shock and so emotionally destroyed and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to make it go away or stop. I came into the room and after catching my breath and swallowing my own tears and choking down that lump in my throat I got my wife all cleaned up and cleaned up the room and got her into bed, I barely processed what had happened by the time she finally cried herself to sleep in my arms and I laid there the remainder of the night trying to figure out what I DID wrong. Of course I realize neither of us did anything wrong but at the time my rationale was that if I could find some kind of tangible excuse or reason behind it or even make it my fault, then my wife wouldn’t focus on what SHE might have done wrong or could have done differently; it may sound stupid now but I thought at the time even if she was mad at me at least she wouldn’t think horribly of herself or believe she was to blame. Since that day I have been trying to help her navigate her grief as best as possible and at what ever pace she needs to go while dealing with my own grief in the process and it has proven to be an extremely difficult task. If she knew how hard it is for me to choke it all down and help her she would feel awful and then she would be even more depressed and distant because she herself has said she doesn’t know what she would do if I wasn’t there for her and I’m afraid of what would happen if I was lost in grief myself, I’m afraid of what might happen and worry about my children’s quality of life while we are going through this loss. I will say this though: sexually, I am fine I mean I am ready to get back in the swing of things like normal before the miscarriage but completely understand how it must feel as a woman going through the same loss just felt in a completely different way and she knows that I am ready as soon as she feels okay to be intimate and I haven’t nagged or egged on about sex or intimacy since it happened, I just let her know I still love and am in love with her, find her sexy, attractive and a wonderful wife and mother and that nothing was her fault. I am far from perfect and still have, dare I say it, “man needs and desires” but a man can still feel that way and still be a loving provider and emotional “rock” for his wife, even if he himself can’t or doesn’t understand what his wife or partner is going through personally. That being said, I think a large majority of men simply cannot process emotions or feelings at the same level or capacity of their spouse or partner and I think a lot of women cannot grasp how some men process complex emotions like the loss of a child. I know, I’m a man and the first emotion that came to me was anger, because my wife was in pain and it was an enemy I could do nothing to stop or protect her from it and it killed me that I couldn’t make it go away and it still angers and upsets me that I can’t do anything against this intangible force that is threatening to unravel her sanity and emotionally wreck the woman I’ve loved and been in love with since I met her 15 years ago. So as far as your husband/boyfriend is concerned, I can almost promise you the issues he is having with this loss has more to do with how powerless he feels rather than his actually feelings towards you or your pregnancy and loss of your child and you have to both lean on each other instead of expecting your partner to carry all your weight; God bless them if they try too but you both need each other regardless of what gender roles or society has pounded into us how it should be, but you must recognize that there may still come a point where you have to just focus on yourself and your own grief and coping with it before you get dragged under a current so strong that you lose yourself instead of your husband or partner. Just my opinion about our struggle to cope and recover from OUR loss, and I know everyone’s situation is different and varied but I wish you all the best in this world and hope each and everyone of us finds the peace we need and deserve. God Bless.
Hello Douglas,
I just read your comment and wanted to let you know how sorry I am about the loss your family experienced. It is wonderful how you support your wife and how well you understand her feelings. We went through a similar situation this past January, I miscarried at 8.5 weeks. The baby lost its heartbeat from one moment to another and it was one of the most devastating experiences for us. The grieving process has been taking a long time and only through our faith in Christ we are able to deal with this loss. His saving grace comes like a sunbeam through the dark clouds of our earthly existence and makes us whole again. Wishing you and your family complete physical and emotional healing.
Blessings,
Anne
I am really sorry for each and everyone’s losses. No words can express ones feelings as they go go through this difficult period. I recently had a miscarriage (1 week 1 day ago) on what would have been my 8 weeks 5th day of pregnancy. I was bleeding which was progressively increasing as time went by. The doctors couldn’t find anything abnormal. I saw perfectly healthy fetal heart beat of 175 bpm the day before. All blood work came back normal. Next day evening, I knew I passed a big giant clot. I was really scared to look into the toilet bowl. In panic, pain and worry, I flushed. I went to bed and the same happened at around 3:15 AM. I went to the ER after that where they confirmed that there was no sac present.
I feel terribly guilty for flushing the fetus down the toilet. I am back at work and trying not to think too much about it but sometimes feel that I haven’t grieved enough about it. Physically I feel fine. I want to have another baby but I scared at the same time. I try to keep myself busy with my toddler. I feel really lonely about all this. Everyone says “its okay, you will have another one pretty soon”. Reading through everyone of you all’s experiences has helped me. Hopefully things will get better.
Michelle, I am deeply and sincerely sorry for your loss and very few things ever feel as awful as losing a child no matter how old. Your feeling of guilt is normal but be assured that did nothing wrong. You were terrified and didn’t really know what to do and you didn’t want to look and that is understandable, not many women (and men like myself) want to see that regardless of the circumstance, but feeling guilt about it is only going to eat you alive in the end. I know it is extremely difficult but you need to do your absolute best to move forward away from the guilt and continue your process of grieving while staying a good momma for your other little one. People will tell you all kinds of things like you stated the ever infamous: “It’s okay, it you will have another one pretty soon.” or: “It wasn’t really born yet anyway.” or my personal favorite: “He/she/it is with God now and in a better place.” First, It’s not okay! and yes you may have another one but you wanted that one, it was unique and people saying that sounds like you can just replace a baby with another like they are trading cards. Second, it doesn’t matter if it was “born” yet or not, it was a baby and it was growing inside you and you have been bonding with him/her, taking care of him/her, providing warmth, shelter and love so don’t tell me it is “okay” because it wasn’t even born yet. Third and lastly, whether you are religious or not this statement is ridiculously cruel and hurtful to me, I know the ones who say that to you when going through this mean well by it but like my wife (who is/was a religious individual) said when her mother said that exact same thing to her: “Well no one asked me if I wanted anyone to take away MY baby. I wanted MY baby, and there is no place in this existence that is better than in the arms of a mother!” Needless to say, there were much more harsh words and profanities exchanged but you get the point. Anyway, it DOES get easier, I won’t say better necessarily because you will just find day to day life get easier to deal with and get to a point where you will never forget your baby but you can move forward, not get over, move forward with a new normal for you and your life. I am a husband and a father, and while my wife physically experienced the horrible miscarriage and we both are hurting emotionally equally, we are both grieving in our own way and leaning on each other for support and comfort and I don’t know if the baby’s father is in the picture or not but if he is then you need to be each others “rock.” Keeping your hearts open and talking to each other is very important and helps in ways you never imagined down the road. If he isn’t around then you need to find a family member or friend that you can rely and lean on for support because you don’t need to do it alone and you shouldn’t, no woman should, even if you only use these forums for support just be sure and get as much as you can handle and need. We are all here for you Michelle, keep your head up as much as you can and take it day by day and even hour by hour.
Is loss of a baby from SIDS make a woman more likely to have post partum depression on their next child, just curious?
Hi Amber, I don’t know if anyone can say for sure. I would assume though that the grief experience would add layers of emotions that other women do not have to deal with. It would be best for anyone who has gone through that kind of trauma to continue to seek therapy throughout the pregnancy and postpartum period to work through the expected and unexpected feelings. Peace to you and yours…
I have had 2 miscarriages this year. My first one would have been born next month in Nov 15′ and I cant stop thinking about my loss. I feel Ive lost purpose in life. I feel that my husband didn’t really let me mourn my losses. Ive lost interest in daily activities. One odd feeling is to want to have sex more than usual. Maybe its an odd way of coping? I don’t understand myself sometimes.
Jennifer, I’m so sorry for your losses. I’m sorry you haven’t felt supported. It makes sense that you would want to have sex more because of at least a subconscious desire to be pregnant again. And to find comfort and intimacy while you’re hurting. In time you will feel better, but if not, talk with your doctor about the hormone and biochemical changes that can be effecting you. I’m sending you peace.
Well I was 12 weeks pregnant I lost it on the 9/10/15 and the day after I was ment to have a emergency scan because I was bleeding for three days I kept on going to the hospital all they said it fine go home but I was so looking forward to having the baby so was my beautiful kids I can’t stop my self crying because my youngest boy who 4 he keeps on rubbing my belly saying I lv you baby but when I explained it to the midwife all she said to me to tell them that the baby is dead which I don’t want to say that to him all I tell him it’s up I’m the sky with all the other angels it’s so heartbreaking x
It is heartbreaking, Laura. I’m so sorry you are all going through this. I’m sending you and yours peace. Please see a doctor if you continue to feel depressed for a long time. It is so normal to grieve, but if you feel like it all has led to depression, there is no shame in getting help. I’m sorry.
My mom miscarried a set of twins, then after that a single pregnancy. I feel the twins,were a boy and a girl because the miscarried separately a few weeks apart.. Also I believe the other baby was a boy, cause boys out number girls in our family.So I started therapy after years of masking my feelings. Now, they’re coming out more. i’ve always wanted , missed and wanted my sister and brothers.. Now my mind is clear and all these feelings are coming up that I’ve stuffed down for so long it’s hitting me hard that they never got to be born. they were my siblings and they existed, they had heartbeats. my dad won’t talk about it and my mom is sad.I want to make some kind of memorial for them they don’t even have headstones, no kind of memorial of any kind I would like to talk to her about possibly naming them finally. How can I gently talk to my mother about this idea without making her sadder?
I had a miscarriage sept 21 2015. It would of been my fourth baby. Was a shock I was pregnant. Im finding it hard to grieve because I want to try for one more but he can’t run fast enough to get fixed. Ive always wanted for kids. I just am heart broken about the loss. While all hes worried about is getting fixed.
After suffering two ectopics I just found out I was pregnant last week and im miscarrying already. I feel like I have been dealt a bad hand, I feel angry with myself for thinking this might have been my time and I did silly things like plan names. I am really sad. I haven’t told anyone as I don’t want to upset them . My husband doesn’t seem to care too much and doesn’t seem to view it like a lost child. I feel like I never want to get out of bed again . I’m so jealous of seeing babies everywhere.
Lucy, I’m so sorry. You are definitely not silly for choosing baby names, etc. Hope is not silly, and of course you want to be able to believe it’s going to be okay. I’m sorry that it hasn’t been and isn’t, and that you don’t feel much support in your grief. Give some thought to seeing a counselor? You are experiencing trauma and loss. It is not nothing. What you are feeling is normal and there is nothing weak or wrong about it. I’m sending you so much peace.
I miscarried today… (11-19-15) I was 6 weeks along… I am confused on how to feel… Am I still a mother? Was I ever a mother? I dearly loved and wanted my baby.
Brittany, I’m so sorry. I believe you are certainly a mother. Your heart is mother. Your mind is mother. Your body is mother. It’s okay to feel all mixed up. I’m so sorry. I hope you can reach out for help and keep talking about how you feel with those close to you. It helps so much to talk. Peace to you and yours.
I also miscarried at six weeks. My due date was supposed to be tomorrow 11-20-15. I have a lot of sad emotions going on but I try and put on a brave face. I had a bracelet made in remembrance for my little angel. Since I don’t know if I was having a girl or boy. I got a leather cream wrap with a large clear watch face that has crystals going around it. My charms I picked to go inside are angel wings, the pink and blue miscarriage ribbon, a crystal “2015”, my miscarriage month birthstone and my baby’s would be birthstone. I wore my bracelet for a couple of months and I will be wearing it tomorrow. When I’m not wearing it I keep it in a safe place. This has helped me a lot. It is my special keepsake for my baby. Maybe doing something like I did will help you, too. God bless!!
I love this. Thank you.
My wife just had a miscarriage dis week and we are staying strong tru it but I was wondering what she could eat or drink or take to feel better
Abdias, I’m sorry for what you are going through. Your wife needs some time and if you have not reached out for support, that would be good. Friends and family or professionals that can help to see if she needs help with depression or anxiety. Peace to you and yours.
I miscarried this past Tuesday. My surgery was just 2 days ago. I was due on my anniversary and my son’s birthday. There aren’t words to describe the emptiness that I have. My emotions are like a roller-coaster. Thank you for helping me.
Chris, I’m so sorry for your loss. Are you getting any help? It would be so good to talk this over with someone as you work through your grief. I’m sending you peace.
Thank you I don’t feel so bad about feel so upset and out of touch with people around me that have baby’s of there own. I have had anywhere from 5 to 7 miscarriages of my own that I know of and I can’t help but cry and hate my self for the miscarriages even though it wasn’t my fault. I did everything that I was suppose to and yet still lose them. I sometimes can’t help but to be angry at myself for not being able to do what all women are supposed to be able to do. I still have hope that maybe my day will come.
Mrs. Sierra Mott
Oh Klarissa, I’m sorry you have gone through so much. I’m sorry for your pain and loss. You are right, it is NOT your fault. I hope you have healthy and supportive people to talk to that help remind you that you are not to blame. Peace to you and yours…
My mom had a miscarriage and lost a unknown baby before I was even born and I did not know that my mom almost miscarried me
My question to you all… This week would have been the week of my due date. Is it true that your body still knows when that time is coming? I’ve been extremely emotional, and lashing out on my spouse. is this my body reacting?
Hi Layla, I’m not able to answer your question for sure, but I’m assuming there are at least psychological reasons for what you are going through. You are aware of your due date and I’m sure that’s emotional. I hope you are able to rely on support. If you feel like this isn’t getting better with time, it would be good to consider therapy to help with your grief. I’m sorry you are going through this.
A little less than 10 years ago, I had a miscarriage. I knew something was going on, as my period was late, at it had always been on time almost to the hour. The home tests all said I wasn’t pregnant. However, at about 9 weeks, the miscarriage started. I didn’t grieve, because I hadn’t formed any attachment.
Tonight, after all these years, and after having a child who is now 6, something on TV with a mother miscarrying triggered me, and I can’t stop crying.
Is first time grief this long after the miscarriage normal? I feel crazy!
April, I’m sorry. Don’t feel crazy, I don’t think there are any rules at all when it comes to grief. If you continue to feel a heavy sadness, maybe you could think about seeing a therapist to talk about the possibility that you repressed your feelings and need to deal with them now. I’m sending you peace, mama.
2 weeks ago I gave birth to a baby girl at 20 weeks 3 days. She had passed away shortly before delivery. It was just short of 1 year that I lost my baby boy at 14 weeks 6 days. I am having a very hard time with all of these emotions and feelings right now. My partner actually went to work 12 hours after the baby passed and I was left alone in the hospital crying and inconsolable. I know that men grieve differently than women and I’m trying to be understanding, but I feel like I can’t be honest with how I’m feeling because he doesn’t get it. With this loss I had wonderful nurses who gave me time with my baby girl and took pictures of her as well as handprints and footprints. I don’t have any of those things from my son and I have feelings of guilt but when we lost him it was at home and I was so scared and lost. I am trying not to isolate myself but it just seems like the easy route right now, I don’t want to hear any more words of sympathy or looks of pity. I am 40 years old and I have beautiful twin daughters who are 18. I thought that I was finished with having babies until 2 years ago, now I want to have a baby with my partner so badly but not sure if I can endure another loss. My heart feels so broken and my body feels so empty. I plan to return to work next week just so I’m not alone all day.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Shannon. I want to tell you how sorry I am, and wish you so much peace. Everything sounds trite. I am not pitying you, but I am listening, honoring you and hoping with you for dream of a baby with your partner to come to be.
I just lost my baby at 10 weeks pregnant and the hardest part and having to see what it’s doing to my spouse, I don’t know who cries more. Now i have to go through this decision of letting my dead baby come out naturally or taking medication due to my body not knowing it’s gone. How do we come back from this?
I’m so sorry. I’m sending peace to you and yours. I don’t know that things will ever be the same, but you guys will heal more than you an imagine right now. I doubt the pain of losing a baby is ever gone, but your feelings will change, you will start to feel more removed from how raw this is right now. If you continue to struggle a lot, some counseling is not a bad idea. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Wow , I feel better now . Knowing im not the only person feeling like this . I still sit there n cry .I was 4 months wen I lost my baby. I feel incomplete since my miscarriage.
Linda, first of all, I’m sorry for your loss and for how incomplete you feel. I don’t blame you…you have gone through something terribly hard. And yes, you are NOT alone. There are unfortunately so many who can relate. It may be best for you to reach out to a counselor or therapist if you continue to feel awful. There is no shame in needing help. I’m sending you peace…
Miscarried last Dec.6 Sunday. It was like a bad joke bec. I had my pt thursday and it was positive then I had my checkup Sunday after church and repeated my pt and again it was positive, the doc computed baby was 5 weeks. Then prescribed duphaston and duvadilan since I have spotting. That night I feel my small tummy is contracting but no pain at all. Whenever I pee I keep on bleeding and a 2 inch bloody thing with fat like came out of me, I was wearing sanitary napkin that time, as I observed it was like an empty egg shell. Transv ultrasound the other day and no baby at all. Is it normal that I’m still emotional till now? Till when will I experience depression? I’m fighting it by being busy. I have 3 kids already and the youngest is 2 y.o.
Yes, it is normal for you to still be grieving. It is best for you to talk to a doctor or therapist, mama. Depression is something that needs treatment. This isn’t because you should think differently or make yourself feel differently. You are struggling with depression, an illness. You can get better, but therapy is really important in your healing. I’m sorry for your loss. Peace to you and yours.
I’m 35 and I’ve suffered three miscarriages this year , lost all three in week 8 just lost the third one 2 days ago..
I feel so alone,crying all the time no one around me has ever experienced a miscarriage it feels like I don’t have any one to talk to who really understands how I really feel or understand what I’m going through right now and how much I’m suffering
everyone’s just keep telling me that time heals all wounds …Time doesn’t heal anything it’s keeps getting worse
I keep asking God why ME all I’ve ever wanted was to be a Mommy , to be able to hold my baby.every thing feels just like crap right now .I’m so sick and tired of seeing all the other who get to experience successful pregnancy and keeps posting photos on their pregnancies on facebook.. hey look at me I’m pregnant….I have no hope anymore I’m scared it feels like I’m never get the chance to be a mommy I just don’t know anymore ….
Fifi, you have experienced so much loss. I don’t blame you for feeling hopeless. Have you had any therapy? That would be a good thing with the right therapist. You are grieving so much. I’m so sorry.
I had a miscarriage two days ago and all I can do is cry or not feel anything. I feel stupid though to have such emotions because I would have only been almost four weeks along, and I didn’t even know I was pregnant. I have never been pregnant before this, there were a few signs I was pregnant though so I wish I had realized what was happening before everything ended. I feel like I lost something even though I didn’t know I had it until it was gone. I’m happy I’m not pregnant because I’m in college and would have been unable to support a baby but I still feel such a huge loss. I feel sad that the baby didn’t have any chance of anyone loving them because I didn’t know they existed until it was too late.
It’s hard because I feel like I’m going through this loss alone, when I told my boyfriend his first thought was that we should have been more careful, even thought we are always careful and always safe. He apologized for having not been more supportive right away and because of that I felt the need to go home and cry alone and deal with this alone because I feel like he’ll never understand what I’m going through.
I feel stupid though because I feel like I shouldn’t be having such a hard time dealing with this when I know so many woman have had to deal with much worse miscarriages than my own.
Makayla, What you are feeling isn’t stupid. What you are going through is hard. Your body is going through a lot right now too. Your hormones are most likely quite out of whack, and that part will get better. But the sadness is something that is natural and will also take time to heal. It’s okay to just feel sad for a while, and let time pass while processing how you feel. I hope you have someone you trust to talk with, because talking helps so much. Peace to you.
i miscarried september 1st 2015. i was 7 weeks and 4 days. i had just found out a few days earlier. nothing could explain how happy we were. i had went through fertility treatment for over a year, which failed us. i was ready to just give up… and BOOM! i was pregnant. i remember preparing something to eat the morning of sept. 1st… i went to the toilet because i had a erg to pee… and seeing blood on my underwear it was even dripping in the toilet. i ran to wake up boyfriend up, ran so fast i didnt even have my pants up all the way… we rushed out the house to the er. he was in pajamas still. they did so many tests… we were there for hours. than the news came… we had miscarried at 7 weeks and 4 days. the doctor wanted me to wait i told him i just wanted to leave. so we scheduled an app. the week after. since my body was getting rid of my baby itself i didnt need any meds or anything… I remember going home and crying. my boyfriend left for work, I made him go… i wanted to be alone. the pain was too much, i never felt that much pain in my life. i wanted to run i didnt want to have to live the nightmare i was in. I cried for days, i even called into work a few days. i didnt want to talk to anyone. not evem my mom. i ignored called and texts. after a week or so i finally went back to work and communicated with family and friends. i thought I was going to be okay… i knew i was going to be. as long as i heard of no ones pregnancy and the baby commercials left me alone i was good. but as the months pass and the day i could of found out the sex, could of heard the heart beat, could of felt the kicks and punches, could of had all the cravings and even felt the down falls to pregancy… those are the moments i go back into my little hole and cry… i know ill be okay. but with the pregnancy issues on my shoulder it makes it a little bit harder for me to heal.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you continue to reach out to those that love and support you. If you aren’t in counseling, it would be really good to start. This is hard, and you are not alone. I’m sending you peace.
I miscarried yesterday, should have been 10 weeks but baby was only developed to 7 weeks size. It was my first pregnancy, but also likely to be my last as I have been through 1.5 years of IVF, and don’t have much more money for it, and I’m also now 41.5 years old so the chances are dropping fast.
This is just the latest of many traumas in the past few years – In that time, I’ve been through divorce, desertion, betrayal, theft, and have paid a very high cost for others’ negligence and immaturity.
However, while there is a part of me that is very angry and a part of me that is unspeakably sad, I have also grown stronger. By the last IVF transfer that got me pregnant I was so used to failed cycles that I didn’t even remember to expect the clinic’s call to tell the pregnancy test results. So this morning after the miscarriage, I suddenly realized I am no worse off now than I was then, when I expected never to experience pregnancy in my life at all. And I realized that I have grieved so much already that now I finally have a choice – to repeat that full process of grieving again over this new loss, or to focus on my life and the things I can create in it. And with that realization a lot of the desolation and anguish I was feeling dropped away. I certainly will not forget and I wish with all my heart that the baby had lived, but I also feel #12 from the piece above – that it is a celebration of life to go on, to revel in what is good even as I also acknowledge and also feel what is not.
I’ve gone through a lot of anger and bitterness these past few years and I feared for a very long time that my disappointments would leave me forever angry and bitter, but finally now those feelings have begun to fall away. The pregnancy helped to melt them as I thought about the innocence of a baby, and the feelings of safety and happiness and openness that I wanted to pass on to that child. So this little baby, in its short time on the planet, gave me a great gift.
I also realize that in these years with so much tragedy, my career has gone very well, and I have ended up with a deeply loving partner. I have learned many things and become stronger and more confident and more self-reliant. I have learned far greater patience and compassion than I used to have, and have learned to be assertive without being insensitive. Through difficult times and difficult conversations held with love and compassion, my partner who used to shut me out and who resented the IVF process and left me to do all of it alone, is now really there for me. Yesterday, he took me to the hospital, held my hand and asked how I was doing throughout the morning, lay on the sofa with me for hours and stroked my hair, went for medicines, set up a cozy bed for me, shared his own feelings of loss, and called today to see how I was doing.
I don’t mean to say at all that anyone should not grieve, but only to share the hope that it gives to me to realize that, with time, great grief and loss can sometimes teach us to value the things that we do have more, opening us to feel greater joy and gratitude. It can teach us empathy and patience and compassion, which in turn can bring us deepening love in all of our relationships. In the end the loss becomes part of the fabric of who we are, for good and for bad, and even though we will always regret the loss itself, after a time, it may also be hard to imagine our lives without it.
My heart goes out to everyone on this forum, and to everyone in the world who has ever had a cherished dream ripped away. I mourn my own lost baby, and my own lost dreams of ever having a child of my own to hold in my arms. And at the same time, I celebrate life, and the amazing privilege and miracle that it is just to get to live it. Hugs to all of you. Thanks for sharing your experiences and your caring.
We have lost one baby this summer, at 8 weeks and have lost another one at 4 weeks. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
I just had to deliver my 1st baby on January 7th at almost 16 weeks. I’m 35, not only do I have Lupus, but I was also in the hospital for 11 days with pleurisy a few weeks prior. I feel guilt like my body has failed my baby because he or she was doing perfecrly fine with strong heartbeat all along the way. That’s what kills me the most. Knowing that they were fighting to live while my body was rejecting the pregnancy. My cramping and bleeding seemed endless and just progressively got worse. It would come and go and led me to the hospital more than once which started to drive my husband and I emotionally crazy because the torment of not knowing what was going on was too much too handle. Only 2 days after Christmas we were told that we would be having an inevitable miscarriage but didn’t want to believe it could be happening. We dealt with the emotionally agony on a daily basis til the day it became a reality. My body was so weak and I try to tell myself that God may have saved both of us in this but I also wonder, what a testament it would have been to praise him had everything turned out ok. My other issue is feeling like why did it have to be my first? This is supposed to be the best feeling of joy my husband and I could have and we both feel ripped and torn from that experience. Thank god we both have been strong for eachother as i know some can distance themselves. I can’t imagine having that kind of pain on top of everything else. I also wonder if now I will kind of like resent my next child that actually makes it or am I always gonna think..this would have been what I should have had? I’m struggling with all the “what ifs” and have to find a way to not forget my baby, but accept it for the fact it wasn’t meant to be as my body just was not ready for it and it very well may have killed us both in the long run. I have to keep faith in God’s plan for us and we are taking it day by day. It truly is so hard, I don’t know how some can move on so fast. Our parents, family and friends have been so comforting, supportive and amazing, however it still feels near impossible to move forward at this time. I know we will get there, but our hearts have to heal. This will make us stronger than we will ever know, and I think it will make us appreciate our next miracle even more.
Your outlook on this pain is inspiring. I’m so sorry for your loss and all that you’ve been through. You have a positive perspective and I hope you are filled with joy as redemption comes…Remember it is okay to need help, counseling, time and healing. I wish you all the best!
Hi,
I’m not too sure how to start my message, I will just start it as I found out I was pregnant and was over the moon. Roughly two weeks later I started bleeding and then went for an emergency scan two days later. That day 30 minutes before my scan I felt the urge to push and went to the toilet. As I went to the toilet that’s when the baby was coming out (sorry for the details.)
I went to my scan as planned and took the baby to the hospital also. They scanned me and saw that the lining of my womb was very very thick but no obvious pregnancy and was told I had miscarried. I was told if I was still testing positive 7-1 days later to phone back.
12 days later I was still testing positive so I phoned back and went for another scan. There was no pregnancy in my womb. I had blood took for my hcg levels and then was took for an internal scan.
My left ovarie was very different compared to my right as I was told. Then left waiting for 4 hours being told a senior doctor was coming to speak to me.
No doctor came, that ward closed then I was put up to gynaecology where a doctor took my blood again and told me there was signs of me having an ectopic pregnancy with a 2nd baby. That was that I was sent home and was told to return two days later to have bloods took.
So I did as I was told and returned two days later, to have more blood took and a doctor do an interna scan to find my ovarie was swollen so I was kept in for observation. The next day a surgeon came to my bed and took me for an internal scan. She told me I had what looked like fluid at the ovarie and they were taking blood to find out if it’s fluid or internal bleeding. A doctor came in the treatment room took my blood and I left to room to return to my bed. The surgeon got me before I managed to return to my bed and took me back into the treatment room and told me she had spoke to a consultant and wanted to know the time I last ate or drank. I had replied about an hour ago. I was told not to eat, drink or smoke because I would be going to theatre.
To be told there was signs of me having one and I was getting kept in for observation to then the next day being took for emergency surgery was very scary. I had surgery at 7pm and got out of theatre at 10pm, which is a very long procedure compared to the normal length of time it takes.
The doctor came and spoke to me the next day and I was told, my tube had ruptured, I had internal bleeding and they removed my tube and asked if I wanted to take my baby home to take to the funeral directors. I suppose I don’t know what to think anymore. My identical twin just had a baby 7 weeks ago and I can’t even go near my baby niece without breaking down. To lose not one baby but two is very heartbreaking to me. To top it off I had surgery 01/01/16 but miscarried the first baby on 18/12/15, so I had a pretty terrible start to the year. My best friend also told me two days ago she was pregnant. Is it normal that I don’t feel happy for her? My head is completely all over the place.
Oh dear one, I’m so very sorry. You have been through something so devastating and traumatic. I hope you have supportive people around you. I hope you can see a counselor that can help you work through the grief and trauma of this. And yes, of course it is so normal to feel sad about other people having babies. You are grieving that loss and it IS unfair. Of course they have done nothing wrong and are obviously not having babies to hurt you, but it is only natural to not feel happy about it. Be kind to yourself. You are going through so much. I’m sorry.
I just loss my twins in September I was 4 1/2 months pregnant and was having a boy and a girl, my body could not keep the nutrition they needed to keep surviving so my children could not make it. As I have been trying to heal I can’t I am stuck I feel as if this was my fault. Last month I was hit by a city bus and they left the scene I have a really messed up neck now and we have to have a new home next month. Things are falling apart and I can’t keep on putting on this fake smile everyday I feel as if ending it is the only way I can breathe, I am stuck in a black hole and it’s starting to consume me I haven’t slept for more than 3 hrs every night because of stress I don’t know what to do
Gabrielle, please call your doctor and let them know how you are feeling. You need treatment for your mental health and you can get better with help and time. I’m so sorry you have gone through all of this. I’m sorry for your loss and the accident that has changed your life. I cannot imagine.
If you are feeling suicidal, please call this number. The people there will help you get help right where you are. Help is out there and there is no shame in needing it. No one could handle this kind of loss and pain on their own. – 1-800-273-8255
I am having areally hard time ,the father of the baby that i miscarried , he has a 2 1/2 old son from another relationship , he loves to call him baby and it really bothers me because we just lost our baby
I’m sorry. That would be so hard. I hope you can reach out for some help. You may be struggling with depression, especially since your hormones get all out of whack after a miscarriage. Please reach out for help if you continue to struggle. You are grieving and you are not alone.
I delivered a baby boy at 24 weeks gestation on September 5th, 2001. He lived for one hour. He was buried and in the beginning we visited his grave often and over the years less and less. We visit his grave about 2 times a year. We adopted (after 4 years of infertility issues) and are raising the most fantastic girl ever (we are a little biased). Last night, I was having indigestion and felt the exact same movement of a baby kicking. It was that flutter feeling and it shocked me into memories of 14 1/2 years ago. I fought the memories a bit but then just let them flow. I went through all of it, the 31 hours of trying to stop the labor, delivery, holding him and examining his little feet and hands and itty bitty bottom, watching the social worker take him from me for the last time and gently wrapping him in a blanket and gently covering his face. This was particularly difficult for me to witness. Then leaving the hospital with empty arms, the funeral, the feelings of anguish and grief, insomnia, my milk coming in – my body’s way of naturally preparing to care for the baby I delivered but no longer had. These memories are both devastating and precious to me. I am not one to share my feelings openly – it makes me uncomfortable – but I can type or write them to a group of women I don’t know. Women that have felt the same unexplainable empty yet painful hole that is left after the loss of a baby. So now that I got all of that out…something extremely morbid yet very real is plaguing me. For the first time in over 14 years – I acknowledged (to myself) that my little baby boy is buried in the ground. That his little sweet body is decomposing in the ground. Stop reading now if this is triggering unpleasant feelings for you. I don’t want to increase anyone’s pain. I am just looking for someone, anyone, that can say they have thought or felt this too. At 1am this morning I was so disgusted with myself for leaving this baby, in the ground, alone. MY baby, that sweet boy and I just left him? The guilt is overwhelming me. HOW could I do that? I just let it happen. Reality – yes, I get this seems so irrational and what on earth would I have done instead? But the thought that his little bones – the body that grew from my blood, in my body, are now 20 minutes away in the ground? Shouldn’t he be with me?! It just seems so incomprehensible.
Spoke briefly with my husband this morning and with tears in his eyes he admitted he had already come to terms with this part of it. He also said what I am trying to convince myself of – our baby isn’t there anymore. It is just his bones – not his soul. Maybe I am questioning God, maybe I am losing faith…but right now, today, I hate that he is there – in the ground – and I am sitting at my computer, at my job, acting like life is normal. Like it is normal that MY baby boy is in the ground. It is not normal…and it took me 14 years to get it????
I know you are not alone in feeling this way. It’s because it isn’t right or good or fair for your baby to die. It is NOT your fault and you did not make a bad decision in burying him, but it makes sense that it was traumatizing and you repressed the feelings specific to the burial. No mother can take that in and be okay. It’s not okay. People can say you’ll see the reasons for this or that God had a plan in taking your baby. But the reality, in my humble opinion, is that God does not do these things. They are a part of life on our messy earth and part of being human, but they aren’t lessons from God. I believe He hurts with you and that He can restore you and redeem you. He can even do that while your boy is in the ground. And that doesn’t mean it will all be fine and you will forget. But change and healing can come through this awful thing. It may be good for you to do some counseling to work through this. It isn’t crazy. It’s grief and pain and the focus on your baby being in the ground is not wrong. Coming to realize how much this bothers you reveals that there is still some work to be done. Your work, a gift to YOU, to not allow the honest feelings and pain to stay stuffed, so you can be free. I’m sending you so much peace.
It helps:) My fiance and I have been trying for almost 3 years for baby #2 with no luck. Dec.2015 I missed my period and when i found out I was pregnant I felt like I was in a dream we were over the moon excited tears of joy. Jan.25 I miscarried my heart was broken all I can do is cry and feel sad my son has been asking for a baby for so long and I feel like I failed him I hear him pray every night for a baby. My fiancé hasn’t really giving me a lot support I know he sad but more like its okay but we will keep trying I just don’t think he realize how much the miscarriage broke me its been 5 days and I have been trying to put on a happy face but I’m actually still very sad.
Erica, I’m sorry for your loss. It’s a very new loss and you need to be sad for a while. Try to keep talking with your fiancée about how you are feeling. Sometimes they just don’t know what to say or do, and they want to fix it and can’t, so they feel stuck too. You can let him know that you understand he can’t fix it, but that you simply need to grieve and be sad and be heard. He may not fully understand, because this loss is different for him, but he can still support you, but only if you keep talking. I’m sending peace to you and yours.
2 days ago I had my 5th miscarriage, I feel broken how am I ment to just move on after this my fiancé is devastated also however with him not going through the physical loss, inconsiderate people are telling him he has to be strong when he doesn’t. People don’t understand the pain that a partner goes through aswell. We have both cried together and even smiled together. Previously I’ve closed myself off to the grief but when u let people in to your way of thought and feelings you can work together to get through this coming out stronger in the end, no one is more special that someone who listens xx
I am currently having a miscarriage at 9 weeks. While this was an unplanned pregnacy I was very excited, now I feel this doom and gloom circling around me, questioning Everything I have done, eaten in the last couple weeks. My husband I can tell is unsure what to do he just silently gives me kisses or a hug. Thank you for writing this points 3,7 and 10 are very comforting in the fact I’m not just going crazy.
Camille, no you are not going crazy. I’m sorry you are going through this loss and grief. If you continue to struggle, it may help to get some counseling. This is a big thing, not a small thing. We all need help working through emotions sometimes. I’m sending you peace.
After 2 successful pregnancies, currently miscarrying at 5 1/2 weeks was quite a shock. I really just don’t know what to do and never expected this to happen. I know my husband wants to be supportive but doesn’t know what to say so he’ll just give me a hug or kiss and honestly I don’t say anything to him about it. My answer is always “fine” when he asks how I am and I just continue with daily tasks. I usually just bawl while he’s at work at night and when the kids won’t notice. I know I’m terribly sad but then also guilty like I shouldn’t be beceause it was so early and I know I’m lucky to have the 2 kids I do. I got the positive result on 2/9 on my birthday. If we had just waited a day without testing we probably wouldn’t have even known. I’m really not an emotionally open person either with anyone so its really hard for me to talk about because I don’t want to break down, so I just cry in the car, bathroom etc. trying to hold it together at work right now too.
Ashley, you are grieving and it isn’t silly at all. Even if it was early, this was a loss. It’s okay to feel awful and it would be really good if you could speak honestly about it with your husband. People who love us sense when things are not “fine”. And talking about it often helps so much. There is no shame in breaking down, mama. It is simply human, and we are all just that. I am sending you peace, mama.
I wish I’d known how drawn out a process it can be. I was sad when I learned I’d had a miscarriage, but I wasn’t devastated. My partner and I both cried, then we went home and tried to begin the process of moving on. If only it were that simple. It’s been a week, and it’s killing me that this isn’t over yet. My hormones are going crazy, I have occasional cramps, and I’ve had some bleeding, but that’s it. I just wish this would go faster because I really want to avoid getting a D&C. The doctor doesn’t even want to schedule me for one for another week because he wants me to give the fetus a chance to pass naturally, which is ideal for me too, but still… I also don’t want to have to keep going in to have my hormones monitored for weeks afterward and have be around pregnant women/in a hospital (I hate hospitals). I just want this to be OVER.
I forgot to add to my last message that I’m also scared because–what if this happens again? I think I’m handling it well this time, but next time…? Our pregnancy was unplanned, and my partner wasn’t even sure he wanted children before we got this surprise. He now says that being forced to think about whether or not we should keep this baby and the subsequent excitement he felt at deciding to become a dad made him realize that he definitely wants to be one, and probably soon. I want children too, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to get pregnant again, especially if the stakes are higher next time. But I’m almost 30. I kind of feel like now is the time. I have an eager partner, a good job, and a stable home. I just don’t want to go through this again.
There is so much that we don’t have control over and it’s so damn hard. Can you trust your path? I mean, I’m not saying that you lost your pregnancy “for a reason”, sometimes there is just pain and hard things and it doesn’t make sense. But the two of you have come to realize some things about yourselves in going through this, and you know now what you want. There is no guarantee that it will not happen again, but there is no guarantee that it WILL happen again either. It’s a hard risk to take, and hard to know how to navigate all of it. It would be so good for you to work through it in counseling, to prepare for whatever may come, and to think through what you really want and when. If you’ve realized the time is now, and your partner agrees, and you want to refrain from birth control, what will be will be and it would be helpful to you to walk through the fears of another loss with some professional help as you go. I hope that helps, just some thoughts!
Hi Heather, and thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and kind words. Based on your advice, I feel that it’s necessary to seek counseling, if not now, then definitely before I make any decision to get pregnant again. I know I’m going to need to talk through my fears if and when that happens. But my partner and I have chosen to put the subject on hold for the moment. The most important thing for now is getting through the situation we’re currently in.
Thank you for your compassion and dedication to answering questions and providing sympathy and support. <3
I cant get over my loss..the first one was ar 4 weeks and i became pregnant again winthin two months.. i carried him and he was born healthy.. my 2nd loss was at 12 weeks and was on may 23 2015.. almost a year later im still dealing with the grief. . My husband doesnt seem to care .. he is leaving me. He says I am never happy and he shows his emotions differently. We have two older children 8 and 15 and then my 3 yr old that was convieced roght after my first loss.. i moved on from that one quickly. However this time i can’t .. i blame myself and try to think of what i could have done to miscarry.. my heart is so heavy but i maintain my composure until im alone then im crying ans asking why what did i do. . Now im dealing with losinf my baby and losing my husband. . I have nobody to talk too.
Jen, I’m so sorry. This is just so hard. Thank you for sharing your story. You aren’t alone, so many mamas know how you feel. I wish your husband could understand. Have you been in counseling? Is that an option for you?
It’s been about a week and a half since I learned that my babies heart was no longer beating. Today, I was sitting in a meeting in the office and a pregnant colleague blurted out “in case I give birth tomorrow,” and then many of my other colleagues went on and on about how it was too early for her to give birth (she is 8.5 mos. pregnant).. What probably lasted 30-60 seconds felt like 10 minutes.. And I could see the faces of people slowly start putting it together and wishing along with me that the conversation would end. My whole office knew I was pregnant as I was 12.5 weeks when I found out I wasn’t anymore and so they were all told about the miscarriage while I was out for a few days. It took every bit of strength I had not to let the tears fall. I got out of the meeting and within a few minutes I broke down and had to leave for the day. I feel very alone in my grief even though my husband and family are grieving too. I find it hard to share my emotions with anyone even my husband as I don’t want to dredge up his pain and I just generally have trouble letting myself be vulnerable in front of people. Rough day, hoping tomorrow is easier.
I hope you have a better day today too. I’m so sorry for your loss and this pain. If it’s an option, some counseling would be very helpful for you as you grieve. I’m sending you peace…
Thank you for this article. I lost my daughter 3 weeks ago, at 23 weeks gestation. The doctor hasn’t been able to give me a reason why it happened, so I’ve been trying to research possibilities. I have some minor health problems so the feelings of guilt are overwhelming. Before reading your article, i felt like I should be locked up in a mental asylum. The feelings are all over the place from anger and bitterness to sadness to fear to hopefulness and excitement for possibilities in the future. I have a great support group of friends and family in my life but I still felt like I was slowly going insane. After reading your article, I realized that everything I’ve been feeling was normal. How you described it, is exactly how I’ve been feeling. I now feel confident that I will be able to move through the grief. I just look for a little progress each day. Thank you.
This article made me feel not so alone. I had a miscarriage 2 months ago and I got the OK to start trying again. A part of me wants to move on and try to get pregnant again but another part is terrified of going through this again. It’s been 2 months and I still find myself getting choked up when I see another baby or pregnant woman.
Hey i had a miscarriage last year on the 6 of february but it still feels so fresh. Im only starting to grieve now. Ive been too strong al this time and now it just feels too much. I was 7 months pregnant but my bby died on 6 months so i carried a dead baby inside me for a whole month. How do i ever forget about it???
Need help please.
I had an emergency cs last Jan. 20 at 35 weeks gestation because my amniotic fluid was low and drying up. Turned out my baby has a bacterial infection. Our son stayed in the NICU for ten days. We lost him Jan. 30. Those ten days were the hardest. I’ve never been so scared, fearful. When I first saw him he’s at an incubator barely able to see his beautiful face. His head, his eyes were covered. He have tubes all over. His arms and legs restrained. He’s crying but I can’t hold him. I think I’ll get use to seeing him the next day like that but my heart can’t stand it. I always cry whenever I see him. My faith skyrocketed in hopes that He’ll let our baby live. I asked everyone we know to pray. I pump and pump my milk waiting for my sweet baby to latch on my breast. On the tenth day his heart stopped and the doctor asked me if I want to cuddle him. Of course I do. I held him close to my heart for five hours straight while his dad settles the bills. I feel him stiffen slowly. His color slowly changing and I said to myself ‘so this is rigor mortis, so this is death’. I was scared but couldn’t put him down. It’s the only time we have. I cried silently at the far corner of the NICU watching helplessly as other parent visit their babies while I held my sons’ lifeless body asking why could this happen to me. I was drained – faith, hope, strength, desire to keep going. I felt guilty. Is there something I didnt do or something I did that might have caused this. I have a daughter whose twelve years old. We were on birth control for ten years because we made sure we are financially stable before trying again. We wanted a son so bad and were so damn excited. The hardest part is we decided to have my tubes tied during the cs. I wonder if its still the same sad, empty feeling if I hadnt had a tubal. But I bet it is. No one can ever replace my John. I miss him terribly. Im still on maternity leave and I feel so empty. My blood pressure shot up going back to the hospital for follow up check up. I feel so tense whenever Im near the hospital. I cant bear to eat oatmeal as this is my everyday routine when im still pumping. And I cant look at my husband without seeing my son cause he looks exactly like him (at least Ive got a reminder of him). What keeps me going now is my husband and daughter. And I pray everyday that God will give me the grace to accept this and trust that His plans are the best for us. Thy will be done.
Hope we all find peace and comfort someday.
Oh how I hope you will find peace and comfort. Let yourself hurt and grieve. You have been through so much. I’m so sorry. I hope you have the option to seek some professional support through counseling. I’m just so terribly sorry.
Thank you so much Heather. Im glad I found this site. It’s an outlet for me to tell my story and it means so much that somebody, someone out there took time to read and cares. I cant talk it out with my relatives cause they shy away from it thinking it will upset me, bring painful memories back. Truth is I want my son to be acknowledged, his existence made known. Most post here are sad but we’ll find comfort in each other and together we’ll be stronger.
It helps reading what people went though. I have two boys (my youngest 13) so it’s been awhile. I was pregnant with what would be my husband’s first child, we thought he was sterile so we were so excited when we found out I was pregnant…. everyone was. My in –laws already started buying baby stuff for us. On the 5th of this month (March) I started lightly spotting and the cramping. I read online that is perfectly normal and I didn’t want to act crazy or “over react” so I didn’t call my doctor. The spotting comtinued and so did the cramping but it wasn’t that bad so again, I didn’t call but inside I was worried. I was afraid to call my doctor because again I didn’t want to be that one that over reacts (what a dumb reason). The cramping started getting worse but the bleeding didnt. On the 8th I called the doctor and made an appointment for the 9th at 9:15am. I couldn’t sleep that night, the pain was bad and the bleeding increased. In the morning the cramping was so bad. I got out of be and put my jeans on.. all of a sudden my jeans were soaked. My water broke I broke down… I already knew. My husband and I went to the doctor and it was comfirmed. It’s a crazy feeling after you have seen your baby and heard the heart beat and then looking at a screen with nothing and hearing nothing. After I left the doctors is when I really started bleeding. By the time I got home I had soaked though my sweats onto my car seat. I went into the bathroom to get in the shower, blood was poring out of me like a faucet. I used the bathroom and a huge sack came out of me…. was that my baby in there? Is it in the toliet and I was going to flush him or her like a gold fish? That all I kept thinking. I bled in the shower for an hour to much where I could get out. My husband thankfully cleaned the bathroom floor for my cause the blood was everywhere. …. that when he broke down. We’ve been a mess. I can’t stop crying. I have no one to talk to. That’s why I’m putting my story on here. I need to get it out of me. I did everything right! I stopped eating the foods I love that could be dangerous. I stopped taking all medications estate my prenatal vitamins. I ate as healthy as I could. What the hell happened? How do I talk to my kids about this? They were so excited. I don’t know what to do or how to feel. No one besides (unless you have gone though it) when ever know what it feels like to feel your baby die inside you and have it slowly drain from your body. The image of that blank screen and all of that blood is burned into my head. I was 11 weeks exactly on the 9th that day I lost my baby. I had sighed up for a site that tells you how far you are and whathow your baby is progressing. After everything happened I got a message from them saying how they should be moving and stretching now…. I lost it again. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been very emotional and I don’t like to talk about my feelings very often but this is to much to keep locked up.
I’m so very sorry for you and your family’s loss. You’ve been through so much. It’s okay to be someone that doesn’t normally talk about feelings, and then start talking about feelings with someone you trust. It needs out, mama. Therapy would be really helpful, as would continuing to rely on each other as you grieve. Keep talking to one another, holding each other, and supporting each other.
You did not do anything wrong. There are thousands of reasons that this happens that have nothing to do with the health of your body or what you are eating. This is not your fault. We look for a reason, but sometimes it is not there. It’s unfair and so painful, and I’m sorry.
I’m sending you peace.
Thanks for your post. I miscarried yesterday. Soooo many different emotions and thoughts I haven’t shared with family as yet other than husband and blew up on him. Alot of challenges; anger resentment & fusturation. . I just feeling soo robbed and deceived.. we have been praying for full term and this is our second miscarriage. . And here we are again. Trusting God. . Butttttt I an sooo very maddddddd and sad and very lonely. I wld rather not hear foolish encouragement ” it was for the best “better luck next time ” “at least you have one child “.. stupid insensitive remarks..
I’m sorry, mama. And I’m sorry for the things people say, well-meaning as they may be…it’s just hard to hear insensitive things when you’re hurting so much. Peace to you and yours…
I just lost my son Ashton over the weekend 3/19/16. This is the hardest thing that ever happened to me. I am still trying to cope with it I was only 3 months. I’m feeling like I am losing everything and everyone is abandoning me. My son father and I relationship was never really stable so going through this I really feel like I am losing him. I hate this feeling. All I want to do is be with my son right now. I don’t see hope for my future I feel like my life sucks and won’t get better.
Oh Mya, I’m so terribly sorry. Are you able to reach out for professional help? Therapy or a doctor? We all need help when going through something so awful. I’m sending you peace and I am believing for you that life can get better. It takes time and help, and it doesn’t mean it will ever not hurt, but it can change and there is grace. I’m so sorry.
I just lost my baby at 3 months while in Rite Aid. To see the baby so small really has traumatized me so bad. I cry because i blame myself and just do not understand why. Never knew i could have kids and this was my little blessing. My family was so happy now i lost my baby.
Tanisha, you have been through such an awful thing. I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you have loved ones to surround you and support you, and I hope you can rely on some professional help if that’s an option. It’s there to help you heal. I’m sending you peace!
I miscarried 7 months ago. I feel like I’m okay but it’s clear now I’m in total denial of dealing with and how to? I can’t break this on off feeling of I’m ok to I’m so not okay. I am scared to death to try again. I couldn’t bear loss again. I try… I try Shopping , trying to talk to my husband, not saying anything when I feel broken, going to casino, working my self hard at the gym , getting facials massages. Nothing helps heal. I don’t want to be physical bc I don’t wanna conceive again. Pbbbhhh
???? Easter about broke me
I lost a baby at 9 weeks ( 7 weeks fetal age) Last period was 1/31 date of conception was 2/16 and it wasn’t planned but we were pretty certain it happened despite the negative tests.
I was pretty sure I was going to have a miscarriage because I was not showing positive on a test even though I felt pregnant, and the last time that happened to me when I was 20 and I didn’t know until I went to the ER and bloodwork showed slightly elevated levels of hormones that didn’t show up in the urine, and weren’t going up the way they were supposed to. I miscarried like 3 days later that time.
I really hoped that wasn’t the case this time and hoped I was just late or had another cyst because I didn’t think I could handle losing another baby even if it wasn’t planned, and we weren’t prepared. I had convinced myself after the last one that I just wasn’t meant to have kids, and I shouldn’t try again, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to miscarry. Simply that I would have preferred to have not been pregnant to avoid going through all of this again.
The worst part was friends and family telling me if the test was negative just wait it out or that I was being worried for no reason. I told my partner about my past miscarriage and why I was worried and he was the only one who was really supportive during my pregnancy even though I didn’t have a test to confirm how I felt. We were super excited even though he’s really young (23, I’m 28) and started talking about the future and making plans. Around 6 weeks even my friends were commenting and we decided to take another test, I was 8 weeks late, puking all morning and late evening/early morning, and I couldn’t go a day without a nap. It was the faintest positive, to where I told my partner it looked negative and claimed to have lost it. He somehow just knew and told me he felt I was pregnant even without the test. I almost cried and when I went in for vaginal bleeding with severe cramping on 4/5 and they did the bloodwork and confirmed I was having a miscarriage I told him about the test I hid.
I feel like I wasn’t far enough along to have postpartum but I can’t shake this super depressed feeling and I don’t want to share how I feel with my partner because he feels like he needs to be strong for me so he will barely acknowledge how he feels other than it sucks, but I know he’s been crying at night and he cries when he holds me and I don’t know what to do. Is it normal for men to suffer from post miscarriage depression and what can I do to help him or get him to open up to me so we can cope together?
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for telling your story here. Have you thought about getting some counseling together? That is not silly at all, because loss is loss. Pain is pain. And working through it with help is an honorable thing to do. Peace to you and yours…
Its been a month since i had my miscarriage and yet i feel terrible. 2 years back, i had opted for an abortion since we were not quite ready to have a child, so this time around 10 weeks of pregnancy i lost my baby due to the Turner’s Syndrome. I still feel terrible everyday and cry and mourn for the loss. Whenever i see a pregnant woman or an infant i feel as if my heart is just gonna burst out. After the surgery, i also felt suicidal a lot of times and now i seem to completely have lost my confidence in everything. There has not been a day when i don’t feel upset about it. I don’t know what to do, how to help myself. I just can’t take it. Although i didn’t stop working or going out anywhere yet i still grieve everyday. It seems my heart and mind can find any free time to make me grieve. Can anyone please suggest how to cope it? My husband is very supportive and wants me to move on but i just don’t seem to move on. I feel i am stuck.
I’m so sorry for your loss and all that you are going through. It’s so unfair and hard. Have you gotten any help through therapy?
Me and my girlfriend got in a fight around Christmas and she left. It seemed it was over then the day she came to get the last of her things she went to the washroom came out and threw the clear blue test at me.. Needless to say she was pregnant. I was upset with the fight and that it seemed to be over but I told her right away this changes everything and to come back home . She came home a few days later but she never really stayed at home always sleeping at a friends house . But things did get a little better. 3 months later at the ultrasound we found out it was a miscarriage . Then thing got worse it has been a lot of arguments and she lies about going to work and were she is. Then I called her out on it and the next day she came home and said she was leaving me and she needs time to focus on herself. I don’t want her to leave again I have been going to counselling and trying to work things out sometimes it feels like she want this to just end. But she still says she wants to marry me and have my baby’s. I’m so confused
I’m sorry, Cam. I’m sorry for your loss and that you are going through all of this. It’s so hard to feel so out of control. It is confusing when someone makes statements that don’t line up with what is actually happening. Maybe she would be willing to go to counseling with you? I am sending you both some peace and wishing for the best for you…
Just lost my baby yesterday. I was 7 weeks 3 days and had a threatened miscarriage. We saw the baby and heartbeat which was strong on the ultrasound then the next day I lost it. I feel so lonely with out this beautiful life that was growing inside me.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Jody. Peace to you.
I had miscarriage 6 months ago, I am still grieving my loss. I could feel that I had depression, I can out of sudden crying when I remember my baby. I wanted to have another baby but my hubby does not want it. It made me grieve more. I was trying my best to look happy but I know it myself deep down my heart that I’m having depression. I have mood swing, I don’t like to go anywhere I feel that I’m different person that it should be. I am keep asking God why he gave me the baby and took it away. I’m so desperate now.
I have lost 6 babies. I know it affects me deeply. Always will. My last miscarriage was in 2010..had no idea that when I went for a ultra sound this morning to check my gal bladder I would fall apart and cry like a loon!!! I had no idea. I was fine, then seen the machine and it hit me and I cried. I was so embrassed. The ultrasound tech just staired at me. She was nice about it when I choked out I’m sorry, I’ve lost 6 precious babies and that Damn machine proved my worst fears. Told her I was not even aware I had a issue with this. I know I still grieve. I had no idea something would set me off like that. A machine triggered me. Hard. I was just looking on line to figure out what exactly happened to me today. The grief that washed over me and fear was bad. I now know one thingmlajl, apparently, I HATE ULTRA SOUND MACHINES!
Oh Leslie, I’m so sorry. I’m sure you experience some PTSD after all you’ve been through. I’m sending you peace.
I definitely needed this. I lost my angel baby about 2 weeks ago at 15 weeks. Lost of these I could relate to.. Especially .. Feeling like I have to grieve to stay faithful to my baby.. I will say my SO was very sensitive to how I was feeling and was very concerned and did anything and everything he could to help me get through this.
I’d like some input please. My wife had a missed miscarriage; she found out two days ago and has a scheduled D&C today. The day she found out and yesterday she was very upset and cried but last night and this morning, she seems to be over it. The baby was not planned and she just got a job so it wasn’t like our first two children. I’m just wondering: is it normal for a woman to get over a miscarriage so soon?
So sorry gor your loss.. Just watch her. I tend to choose to grieve alone and not talk about it. I didn’t want to talk about it. Let her sort it out herself. I faked fine for my husband’s sake. Just because she looks ok, doesn’t mean she is. She will grieve her way. If u feel the need to talk to her about it, then do so. . There is no one way to grieve. Good luck to u both
I lost my baby at 9 weeks pregnant. I had been spotting for a few days but my doctor told me to wait for my first appointment. We went in, & I saw our baby we had been praying for on the ultrasound monitor. My doctor’s face dropped instantly. She said the baby only measured 7 weeks & it had no heartbeat. I ended up passing it at home that night….into the toilet. I think part of what bothers me most is its final resting place is a sewer. I don’t know how to heal from this. Its been almost a month. And I feel like my daughter is suffering too because I haven’t been very interactive with her. I just want my baby back!
Oh I am so sorry for your loss, mama. I hope you can reach out for some help, support and guidance to walk through your grief. Of course you are in pain, be kind to yourself, take the pressure off yourself. This takes time, for the rawness of this to fade some. It’s okay to need that time and need some help.
Hi Heather. I felt a need to update on how I feel now, nearly a year later. I still miss my baby terribly. But I also know God had something else in mind when He decided to take the baby from us. Over the summer, I had to undergo multiple MRI tests, which would not have been possible had I been pregnant. I had to have some work done to my back. But that doesn’t make it any easier. However, I did get on antidepressants. Or rather, I had to up my dosage. Both my OBGYN and my PCP feel the antidepressants may have played a part in my miscarriage. My fiance and I….well our relationship is stronger now for having gone through this horrific tragedy. We are getting married in April and plan to try again after the wedding. I still have issues with the fact that our child’s final resting place is the bottom of the sewer system. But that could not be helped. Anyhoo. The absolute best advice I can give any mother whom has suffered the loss of a child, no matter what stage of gestation she was at, is let the grief out, but don’t let it consume you. Mine threatened to do that to me and my family suffered for it. This child was my 3rd miscarriage. I only have one child alive today. And I thank God for her every single day. Thank you for this blog. I know it has helped me greatly over the last several months. May God bless you.
My wife and I lost ours in late October, right now she has a hard time being around babies, or pregnant women. My twin brother just had a baby with his fiance and I feel like I can never bring him up in conversation. Anytime we visit I feel guilty for holding my nephew. I’m not sure what to do, how to feel, or how to help my wife.
I’m sorry for your loss, Ryan. And I’m sorry you’re going through all the after-shocks. Your wife may need some professional help to heal, like therapy, if she hasn’t done that. I’m sending peace to you both.
My husband and I lost one March 2015 and again, May 2016. Last year I was so excited and then the miscarriage happened. I couldn’t be around anything having to do with babies. It would make me so sad. My husband’s sister and cousins were having babies and all so excited. I felt like I had been kicked in the face. I didn’t even go around his family for the holidays. When I saw a picture of him holding his nephew, I was so mad and hurt. I felt like he had moved on and didn’t care about our baby we had lost. When our expected due date month came, I feel like that was the hardest thing ever. It had gotten easier. I could even walk by a baby aisle in the store without getting all down and sad. Then, I found out I was pregnant earlier this month. I never did let myself get excited and I’m glad I didn’t. I had my miscarriage a week ago. I honestly don’t know when this one is going to hit me. I don’t feel as messed up over this one as I did the last. Maybe the emotions will come when I least expect it. All I do know is I don’t want to get pregnant anymore. I can’t tell you when your wife will heal. Nobody can. Not even professional help. If she is anything like me, then this is what is going to happen. She is going to be very sad, obviously. It will take her 10 months before she can even be around baby stuff, let alone an actual baby (family or not). She will slowly start to come around and not feel so guilty. Maybe even start to enjoy things again. Will get in the routine of things called life but know this. There will always be a small touch of sadness and not a day will go by without a thought of the baby/babies. This is just my personal experience. Your wife is completely different . If you want to help her, talk to her. If you are unsure about something, ask her. Don’t rush her in her grief, she lost a child (as did you). Grief is a different process for everyone. But if she is harming herself or others, violent, suicidal, deep in depression, etc. Seek medical attention asap. Also, I am of no medical background. I am just a mother of my two earth babies and of my two angel babies. I know this comment is long and at times random but take what you want from it. I hope it helped a little.
This is the best help I’ve found. I miscarried almost a year ago and still cry about it and become inconsolable weekly. I have read so much on this topic and nothing has brought me to happy tears until I read this. I felt like every emotion and fear I have faced through this was brought to life in this article and it made me feel normal for the first time in ten months.
My ex and I weren’t able to save our relationship after I miscarried. I couldn’t cope and felt abandoned by him because he left to go to the gym the two days I was miscarrying. I was consumed with grief and another man offered to listen when I talked about the baby I had lost. I cheated and then left my partner. Something I regret to this day. The anger and hurt I felt about being left alone during that emotional time eventually faded enough that I could forgive him. I left because I didn’t think I’d be able to. So when I was ready to forgive him and I had left, I was filled with remorse and regret. He is also the only connection I have to my lost baby and I desperately want that back.
This article helped me realize that the ring I wear for my baby is honor and when I decide to try for another baby, I won’t be forgetting the one I lost but instead that I deserve to be happy. I will always carry my baby in my heart.
I just lost my baby at 18 weeks and I am just so hurt. I dont want to see babies pregnant women. Im angry and sad all at once. Had to leave the baby in me for 3days and had to have a procedure done that nearly killed me. I scared to get pregnant again because I think this is going to happen again. Just dont understand everything yet.????????
I’m sorry, Robyn. You don’t have to understand. There are some things that just don’t make sense. Things that don’t have a “WHY” or “HOW”. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sending you peace. Please reach out to a therapist if you continue to feel awful for a long time. You are grieving and it’s okay to feel whatever you need/want to feel…but get help if you start to feel like you just can’t function or get better. Peace to you….
I lost my baby at 16 weeks , I barely knew I was pregnant. All tests were inconclusive,sonography included. I didn’t get to even know the gender, the first day I felt my baby I lost it . I know how you feeel . Just know you’re not alone . It’s not your fault . It’s not uncommon .
Thank you so much for this! I miscarried this week and have been having waves of emotions. This made everything just make sense how I am feeling. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this.
What a wonderful, comprehensive resource for grieving mothers.
Thank you.
hi just found this web i am glad i look up something.is 2 weeks since i lost my baby was 14 weeks pregnant with my second baby i didnt know i was pregnant till i went to doc was stress full time for me and i never notice some changes when i though about something is not writ did 3 test and they didnt show me i was but i was getting worst with every day ..my do conform so i was so exited but when she was trying to fnd the hart beat she couldnt she trying to tell me he might be so small but i was already 14 weeks so she should find something so she didnt i started to worry then i went to hospital and they conform the babys hart is stopt..
i in shock couldnt understand whats happening ..
now i dont know how to deal with this i am lost devastated i am blaming my self i am so angry i cant get my head around this.feels like something missing in me the small time i new i am expecting was excited no all is so dark
i am trying to be strong for my baby boy trying to be busy just dont accept whats happening.. in this to weeks ddint talk about this to anybody just bottle up everything in me but i feel i cant anymore i need help to understand whats happpen what did i do wrong .
trying to talk to my partner couldnt feel like he is shutting me out feel like he is not there when i most needed to shoulder to cry on it …
how to cope with this lost i dont know …i know there is mothers who going true worst and i am so sorry now i know the pain what they going true…
I miscarried on Wednesday at 7 weeks. I don’t have any kind of support system and my husband is in Afghanistan. I also have a 2 year old son and I feel like I’m not being the best mother I can be to him.
Courtney, I hope you have a doctor you trust. If you feel like it would help to seek therapy, they could give you a referral. You have so much on your plate. I’m sorry for your loss. Your two year old is going to be okay. You need to take care of you, and I hope you can ask for help–it’s okay to tell a doctor that you aren’t sure where to turn for support but that you know you need it. You’re a good mom, or you wouldn’t even be concerned.
I’m so sorry.
Courtney, I know just where you are on feeling like you’re not being as good a mom to your other child. I lost my baby at 9 weeks. My 5yo daughter kept asking me to play or she would say something about the baby or bring me her baby doll & she just didn’t understand why all I wanted to do was cry. You have the right to grieve. This is a death. Just don’t let it pull you down. Talk to your doc. I’ll say a prayer for you.
I dont know were to start but i will like to know how you feel in the sittuhashion miscaraige. i was 5 weeks pregnant start to bleed so when to the dr and he sad it was orat just a bluder infection but i must look out for clots after 3 day i had lots of blood los and was stresing besauce sumthing just dus not feel right go to emeriny and dr sad this dus not sound right dr draws blood and say i must come back monday so i did and the wors day of my life going to the gyne and inside of me i know the baby can be gone .the gyn dus a scan and she say nothing on scan i am in tears and i feel spechlis. I never new it wil happy to me. No one will know wat i am going thue exsipt you guys that are also thue this.my GOD be with all our moms that are going thew this pain
Hello,
I had a stillbirth in February of this year. He was my first and I found out at 33weeks that there was no heartbeat. People have been telling me that I coping very well, but I do get days where I still get very down and i still get angry or sad because of this. I’ve made a memory box with all my baby’s information, my partner and I let go a balloon in the sky as well, we also framed his prints and put it on our wall.
I do want other children, and I think I am ready to try again. Even if I still feel this way, is it right? I think about him every day, and I smile when I do. I’ve made a memory of this in a way… I still smile every day even if I still feel broken at times. I have very good support of my friends and family and this has been very helpful.
Thank you for reading this,
There is no right answer for when to try to have another baby, mama. If you feel that desire, you go ahead and try. I’m sure that’s exciting and scary at the same time. It would be good to be seeing a therapist through it all. Of course you are feeling broken at times, you’ve been through something so hard. It’s okay that you don’t feel fine. It’s okay to move forward with growing your family even though you’re struggling at times. Peace to you!
Thank you Heather, I really do appreciate you taking the time to reply to my post. Knowing someone out there tells me how they feel about this, helps a lot as well, thank you. I don’t know if a therapist is the right idea for me, I haven’t been to one before, but I will keep it in mind. Your post made me smile when you called me mama, it made me proud, thank you.
Thank you so much for this article and thanks to all those who have shared their experiences here. It makes it a little easier knowing many others who have gone through similar experiences.
I lost my baby at 5 weeks, even before I had experienced my baby. I don’t know but even as I write now, I feel so attached to “my baby” which many may feel never even existed at 5 weeks, like who could even feel the baby then. But when I read this article, it helps me so much knowing my feelings are valid. It was in 2013 that I lost my baby, and I still have times I cry out with sadness, grief, and all of it.
My partner was away during the loss and as much as he could understand and talked to me every now and then, it wasn’t really enough for me. I needed him much more than what he could imagine or what I could tell him. Ladies, if you need your partner, tell them. They may not understand on their own. Tell them clearly to visit you, meet you, take you out, or pamper you. I couldn’t tell and that’s the regret I have cos it’s not that he wouldn’t have understood. It’s just that I expected him to understand on his own.
A lot of ups n downs happen in life, but here you feel helpless and out of control making it most difficult to deal with. In addition, there are those hormonal changes happening as the body moves from being pregnant to not. And in cases when a child is delivered, it probably gets little easy to cope with them know g you have a little life to nurture. But here? What do you look for? Nothing and that makes it more depressing. Could you suggest what to do when those sadness moments strike in? I feel at times that I lost my vigour and liveliness. I want to get it back. I want to excel once again. I want to be a joy.
I know exactly how u feel. I was 9 weeks when I lost our baby. At times when I want to cry that’s what I do. The other day I wrote a letter to the baby we lost. I cried as I wrote it. I listed the things I was sad I would miss out on. But also wrote how grateful I am to have loved it for the short time I had it. We will never forget our lost babies. Maybe u could plant a tree in memory of the baby. Something u can watch grow. Prune. Take care of. That’s what we’re going to do. Just BC we didn’t get to hold our lost babies doesn’t make them any less important. Especially to us. Keep your head up.
Thanks Sunshine for sharing the tips!
I feel like I’m not the same person since my miscarriage. I feel totally indifferent to my husband. He is incredibly supportive and loving. But I have no real feelingshame towards him at the minute.
I think that’s normal, Layla. You are grieving, your hormones have been changing–that lasts a while, and this is just plain stressful, for any relationship. You may be struggling with some depression, and it would be good to talk with a professional about all of this. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Layla, I have the same feelings.. my miscarriage was in January at 4 months and the pain is still so real. I don’t feel the same and I don’t know how to be a person anymore. That kind of grief and loss can really take its toll. I have a very supportive husband and family that helps alot because they feel the loss too. It’s hard moving forward but each day that goes by it does get a little easier, though the heartache will still be there. I try to think “everything happens for a reason”.. it’s just the reasons we won’t understand, or don’t want to. Especially seeing friends and family around us having no complications whatsoever with their pregnancies make it that much more difficult to cope. You’re not alone. I knew I wasnt alone either, but sometimes you can’t help but feel that way. Time will help bear the burden but it will always be a part of us. Moving forward will get easier eventually.
Layla, I felt the exact same. My fiance is very supportive. But I had to get antidepressants from my doctor simply BC I felt like I wasn’t functioning properly for my family. I’m so glad I did BC each day is getting a little easier to cope. You have to take care of you. Talk to your OB. He/she can give you tons of resources to help. May God bless you & keep you.
So much of this is exactly what I needed to hear after the loss of my daughter. I have suffered loss and grief before, but this being so unique deserves its own attention and analysis. Thank you for being there in my time of need.
Thanks for the article. Something I really need to read right now. We just had our third miscarriage and am feeling such a sense of loss and despair. I have a miracle baby already and am very blessed, I know this. Everyone tells me this, that I should be grateful. I am. I always wanted more babies, A big family. The second pregnancy wss IVF and almost 3 months, I lost her due to stress at work. Feel like I can never forgive myself for this. Im now in early, mid forties and I know that I started late and I think its even worse because I know my time is truly limited in terms of age.
I cry unexpectedly and feel so very sad when I think of the 3 more babies I could have had. Yes I completely adore my little one and could not be more grateful for her, she is my everything along with my husband. But still ….
I’m right there with you. I just suffered my 3rd miscarriage and I’m trying to pick up the pieces. I too have one child. I know I should feel grateful for having him but I still feel incomplete.
Thank u I have just suffered a miscarriage I didn’t know I was pregnant and a week shy of three months I misscsried its been a rough time everyone feels that I should move on with my life as nothing has happend but I often feel very down during the day and now am very very anemic from everything it had been difficult
My Fiancé and I just lost our little angel after she was 8 weeks along. The 3 weeks of knowing about the pregnancy I got to witness one of the most beautiful things a man could ever witness. The change, growth, and happiness that occurred, with my fiancé, was an amazing thing to see. From the day we found out, she reveled with the idea of becoming a mother to our child. The things we were going to do, places we were going to go, the nursery she was going to decorate. She had this glow about her, and looked more beautiful to me than i’ve ever seen her. Each day she seemed to shine a little brighter and I loved every minute of it. From the depths of my heart, I know she would have been, and will be an amazing Mother one day. I adore my fiancé, and love her with every ounce of my being, so that’s why it makes this so hard knowing what she is going through. You see, we both suffered a loss but her’s was something much more potent, and palpable. To experience the elation of another human, your child, growing inside you, and the bond of motherhood is something that I could never experience. I can only help but feel her emptiness that is left in the wake of this devastation. My heart aches as I see her not wanting to leave the couch for days. Nothing you can do or say will make it better. If there’s any advice I can give to guys out their dealing with this, is to allow your significant other to grieve but watch closely. No matter how long it takes, no matter how up and down they become from day to day. After they reach a point were they are able to accept the loss, they will understand, and love you more for it. I can say with bitter sweet confidence this tragedy has brought my fiancé and I closer. One day, I know we will be blessed with another angel that we can raise, love, and cherish here on earth while our first love is smiling down on us.
A couple of months after my boyfriend passed away I found out I was pregnant with his baby , I miscarried a few days ago . I’m barely 21 . I feel responsible and the guilt is too overwhelming. Help me cope
Brianna, I am so very sorry for all of this. What a horrible thing to go through. Please seek grief counseling if you have not. You are going to go through feeling awful, and it’s going to be okay, but it’s so hard to know what to do with all of this sadness and shame. Speaking of the shame, this is NOT your fault, dear one. Your hormones are going to be all wonky right now too, so that doesn’t help. You need professional help to get through this. I’m sending you so much peace.
I lost my baby at 3 months. I was showing a little so I knew in my heart that I was pregnant. I didn’t want to find out however because I had taken tests weeks before the miscarriage and they were negative for pregnancy. But in the first trimester there was one lady my fiancé and I me who kept telling us we were pregnant. We didn’t believe her but she was so sure…I wasn’t even showing yet. Then three months later I miscarried. It was the most painful day of my life. I was scared to confirm my pregnancy status but I know I was pregnant. I even shared pictures of my bump to my fiancé and he was dumbfounded. The lady was right. But now my child is dead. I’ll never get to see it, never get to know it. I feel so guilty. It felt like I was in labour for a whole week and it occurred during our anniversary. I feel so guilty like it’s my fault. It’s been four months and I’m still falling apart. We broke off our engagement because things got rough after the miscarriage… really, I turned for the worst and upset my relationship. We’re still together, still holding on because we’ve both identified our loss and have decided to move forward as best as we can. But it still hurts. I’m just glad to know our baby was loved, by both of us. Ever since the time I confirmed it with pictures we loved that child and we wanted it. I just know that baby would’ve been well loved and taken care of and that’s my comfort. Thanks for sharing your words of encouragement and advice in this blog post. It means a lot to me
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your grief is heavy and hard, and your love for your baby is strong and forever. You can go on loving the baby you lost, and over time, you will not forget, but the feelings will change. I’m sending you peace, and I hope you will reach out for professional help to work through your feelings and thoughts.
I have had 3 miscarriages and I’m a wreck. This article helped me. I just need to learn how to move on.
I just experienced my second miscarriage in a row within a 6 month time span. The first one was even a surprise I was pregnant, and miscarried at 5wks. The second was planned (and VERY much wanted). We saw the heartbeat at 6 weeks, everything looks good. I went in monday for a routine 11week checkup as I’m high-risk and the doctor was unable to find the heartbeat with the doppler, so we moved to the small sono machine, where he could still not find the baby or the heatbeat. We went into the big sono room and did a trans-vaginal to be able to see the baby the best. His first words upon finding the baby was “this is not what we want to see”. The baby stopped growing at 6weeks and a few days (so sometime after my last sonogram) and her heart was no longer beating. My body must not have known that my baby passed almost a month ago, as I was still experiencing morning sickness and needing to buy maternity clothes. We scheduled a D&C as I was afraid I would not naturally miscarry as it had already been a month since my baby passed. The procedure was painless and the staff was so friendly, welcoming and understanding. Yesterday I experienced extreme rage because my husband had to go to the work to cover for his friend who was driving an hour away to get a “cheap” 3/4D sonogram done on their baby. They already have 5 kids. He even got a vasectomy reversal so they could have MORE children and here I am grieving and cannot even have my 2nd i always dreamed of. I feel robbed again. The birth with my daughter was traumatic (HELLP Syndrome, i almost died) and now this.
Oh honey. I totally understand where u are coming from. Except we never got to hear ours heart beat. She had quit growing 2 weeks before my first sonogram. Diaper commercials made me cry & seeing other pregnant women pissed me off greatly. How can they get to keep their baby? What’s wrong with me? A thousand questions without any answers. The only thing I can say is maybe y’all tried too soon after the first miscarriage. I was told by my sister (who has 5 kids & had 3 miscarriages) our bodies need more than a month or two between to heal. She learned that after her first miscarriage. I have had 2 miscarriages, 1 ectopic & 1 live birth. There is no pain like the heartache of losing a child u never got to see. But u will heal. I had to have help in the form of anti-depressants. Some need therapy. Figure out what works best for u. And never forget, it is okay to be angry. Its is okay to hurt. U just suffered the death of not one but two children. It is completely understandable.
I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks 6 years ago it’s a life long loss although I was lucky enough to already have my beautiful daughter after this traumatic miscarriage we were sadly never able to have anymore children . I still get so sad when I think of that precious little unfinished life and my daughter being an only child. it’s a lonely time recovering physically emotionally and mentally after a miscarriage . Take your time . I still cry every now and again and think of our little angel baby often.
Just remember there is hope! I have had 13 miscarriages…and I am now a proud mother of 2…pregnancy 14 and 15 worked out! It was stressful as you always feel like you will lose them…but they both held on! Don’t lose hope.
I’m currently going through a miscarriage. I’ve already had people tell me I shouldn’t be sad. As someone else said, no matter how far along you are, you have every right to feel the need to grieve. My baby died at 7 weeks 4 days but I would have been closer to 10 now that I’m miscarrying. Yeah it was early but I still wanted this baby whether it was meant to be or not.i know depending on the person I have to put on a show that I’m feeling fine. Others know from how I’ve spoken to them that I’m hurting. My family doesn’t live close by so I don’t have them for support, however I have my partner’s family and some close friends to go to for the time being.
Oh darling. I know exactly where u are at this moment. Mine stopped growing at 7 weeks & I passed it at exactly 9 weeks. U have every right to be sad. U are experiencing the death of ur child right now. No need for a brave face. Embrace ut grief but don’t let it consume u. I still have moments. I would be one month from giving birth today. I don’t cry as much now. I had someone tell me to do something in honor of my baby. I am going to plant a tree on my due date. My cousin says she releases a balloon each year on the day her baby died. My fiance has been so supportive. He still holds me when I cry. Chin up doll. Reach to your higher power for strength & guidance. May God bless & keep u.
My first miscarriage happened 50 years ago, I was 13 weeks pregnant, my second was about a year later, i didn,t even know i was pregnant, we then had a much loved daughter. my third miscarrage happened at 10 weeks pregnant, a much wanted sibling for our 3 year old daughter. I never got to grieve properly, people we knew seemed to treat our losses as trivial. Each time it happened my heart broke in a million pieces. I couldn,t understand how it could happen!! All I could think of was why, why!! We went on to have another daughter, a much love addition to out wee family. We now have four grandsons, we are retired and happy, but i still think of my wee babies who I never got to see, or hold, I still wonder if I,ll ever get to see them in another life. What do others think?
Liz, I sure hope you get to see them. So many people whole-heartedly believe that you will. How can any one of us be sure, but I believe we can surely HOPE. Peace to you…
Hello, I feel the grief of every woman, wives and husbands here. I just lost my baby last Oct.10 2016. I don’t know if I’m lucky or very unlucky that I got the chance to see my baby,changed his diaper once and hugged him for a couple of minutes (he was dead by that time I hugged him). He was once our precious gift ever received from God. From the moment we found out I was pregnant, our lives changed. March 3 this year when I had my first pregnancy test. Got my first sonogram March 30, that was the time I first saw and hear my baby’s heartbeat! I feel like I was walking in the clouds then. I was so excited to announce it to my husband I went straight to his work. I even showed the picture of my tiny baby to his workmates. I was 12weeks pregnant then. I can’t explain the joy my baby brought to us even if he was still in my womb. Everybody were excited especially my father. My baby is supposed to be the first grandchild my parents would have if he was alive. There weren’t a night that I didn’t pray to St. Gerard for our safety. I always ask guidance to God for a healthy and safe pregnancy. And yes, I had a smooth pregnancy so far except the slight spotting which is normal for first time pregnancy.. My baby was healthy and always kicking until that fateful day came. Oct. 7, my husband took me to the hospital because I was already having contractions that time. I didn’t have any idea how much pain I’m going to take for the next couple of hours, the only thing that’s in my mind is the feeling of excitement of seeing my baby. I suffered excrutiating pain for almost 16hours until I pushed him out. But nothing more painful than not hearing your baby cry. He was not breathing when he came out! How did it happen, which in fact he was still kicking before I pushed him out! Tears keep on flowing down my face while the doctor is doing stitches on me and the nurses keeps on reviving my baby. I don’t know what to do that time, I was so helpless and numb. I called God to help my baby breath, I just wanted to hear my baby cry. . But I heard nothing. They took my baby to NICU, I wanted to see him but I was so sore and weak.. My baby fought for 39hours, until God took him away from us. I’ve been through a lot of pain but this is the most painful thing that ever happened to me I even wished I’d die too! Until now I’m still mourning. I don’t know what to do. I always ask myself where did I go wrong. I wanted to ask God why. Im dying everyday. It’s been two weeks now, but the pain is still the same. It never heals and I don’t think it will. I am so deprresed right now. I always cried myself to sleep at night. I feel so alone though my husband and my parents is with me. I don’t know if they understand what i feel . . It’s not easy for me to move on ,I had him in my tummy for the whole 40weeks. I nurtured and loved him, he was a part of me. So they cannot expect me to easily forget everything and moved on. I feel so helpless and sad. I don’t know if I can still live my life again. 🙁
I am truly sorry for your loss and pain. Your grief is so fresh, and I hope you will reach out for help to work through this trauma and loss. I will not invalidate your pain by saying it will get better. Grief doesn’t work like that. You will always feel this and remember your baby with sadness. The way it feels right now will change, but you won’t forget. You are not alone. Too many parents have been through this loss, and it helps a little to think of them all surrounding you. Please hold on, keep going, and reach out for help. Peace to you and yours…
This was very helpful my wife and I just had a miscarriage about 2 weeks ago and it’s been pretty hard for us. Specially for her, some days she seem and thinks she’s doing better and feeling better , but then she breaks down and cry. Every time she sees a baby commercial, a pregnant woman friend or on TV anything baby related really she breaks down and cry. I try to be there for her but it’s starting to become very hard for me I’m always gonna be there for her and all but it’s just breaks my heart that I can really do anything to make her feel better! Thank you for this I totally appreciate it.
You are doing exactly what she needs right now…you are there for her. My fiance feels the exact same way with me. We lost ours in April & while it has lessened, I still cry at those commercials. My honey has been just what I needed…a rock. A shoulder to cry on. A much needed hug. We occasionally cry together. Just be patient. She will get there.
I want to first off say thank you for taking the time, and putting in the effort for those of us who have had the unfortunate loss. It’s been a little over 4 year’s I was pregnant with twins. I miscarried my first baby, then a week later found out my second was an ectopic. I’ve been told to “get over it, move on, and let it go.” Not ro mention it led ro me having endometriosis, and a full hysterectomy. I’ve had no support, compassion, or help. I thought I was going crazy. After reading this however, I now feel hope for finding and making peace. I am blessed with 3 boys prior. In between though I had an ectopic, and a miscarriage. I now know how to help myself and how to start the healing process. I now feel hope and that’s amazing. I want my twins to rest in peace.
I am 4 days postpartum…I lost my angel baby at 36 weeks. I am trying to educate myself…all of these emotions that are already swirling around like a torrid mess…one minute I grieve my son so deeply that I have to literally hide in a room alone…the next hour leaves me w/o seeing if I was really even pregnant?…acknowledging the physical act of birth, but feeling NO sentimental emotion associated with it….to wondering if I am truly going crazy…..this roller coaster is damn hell!!
Thankyou for this. It is nearly a year since I went for a dating scan to find out my baby had died. I had to go straight to theatre and by the time I came out of hospital my partner had left saying he didn’t want to be around someone so miserable. I had no support from the midwife team once I left hospital. I bled for ages but was constantly told that I should be over it by now because it was only a miscarriage and obviously never meant to be. What a cruel comment to say that little life was never meant to be. A year on I don’t know what to do with my grief. Any mention of my child is met with – you’re not going on about that baby again are you. So I have to be silent and just keep this unbearable sadness inside. I don’t believe society has any empathy or compassion for women who experience this and do not want to be told that men experience it too. It happens in a woman’s body, the woman experiences the physical pain on top of the emotional and hormonal torment. My partner booked himself a holiday, started dating someone else and told me he never shed a tear for my loss. It is very very different for the woman. I don’t know how to move on from this.
Clare, I am truly sorry you’ve gone through this. And I’m sorry your feelings have been met with so much insensitivity. You are grieving and there are no rules with grief. The only rule is that you should be loved through it, unconditionally. If you haven’t gotten professional help, like talk therapy, I think that would be really helpful. Acceptance of life’s hugest losses is SO hard, and working through it with someone who understands grief and can give you space for that would be so helpful. If you have been in therapy and feel like you haven’t gotten anywhere, it may be time for a different therapist. I’m sending you peace!
I have had 3 miscarriages .you never get over the loss and void. The last one I’m still struggling to get over.it was my hardest one. I feel like I almost have ptsd from it and that loss was 4 yrs ago
I have had baby fever since I was 16 years old. I’m only 19 so of course I wasn’t trying to get pregnant but I instantly knew I was pregnant. I was throwing up, mood swings, everything. I told my boyfriend and he was so happy. I was so excited. I finally had the chance to be a mommy!! I was 4 weeks pregnant when I had a miscarriage. My period came on and there was a white blob in the blood. I cried so hard and prayed to just let God let my baby be ok. I blame myself everyday. I really lost my baby. I know I have plenty of time to have a child and I know I’m too young but I lost my 1st baby. It hurts so bad. I wish I was strong like other women. 1 of my coworkers just told me she was 1 month pregnant and while everybody was congratulating her, i couldn’t help but cry. I had to go to the bathroom and just let it out. I didn’t want her to feel sad or feel like I wasn’t happy for her because she seems so happy and excited but it hurts to see other pregnant women. I just want to get over it.
Is it possible to be mom again after miscarriage?
I JUST HAD A MISCARRIAGE LESS THAN 24HRS AGO. DID IT ON MY OWN. 4TH ONE THE FATHER DOESN’T CARE I’M HAVING TROUBLE HANDLING THE DEPRESSION ON MY OWN
I’m so sorry. That’s a lot to go through on your own. I hope you can reach out to a therapist or doctor. There is help out there for this!
I suffered a miscarriage about 3 weeks ago at 11 weeks pregnant. I’ve been recovering from PTSD and drug addiction for the past 4 years before this. I’ve been clean and sober these past 4 years and it’s so hard to keep moving forward in this struggle. Plus, Christmas and my 30th birthday are in a matter of days. I really only have the energy to sleep and smoke cigarettes. I had quit smoking in order to get pregnant and now I feel like it’s all I have keeping me together. I feel like I’m sliding down this mudslide of grief, anger, regret, shame, trauma and cravings. I hope to make it through this time.
Thanks for writing on this subject and I send my love to all those suffering through this.
I miscarried 6 weeks ago and I am only now starting to feel normal. We were 8 weeks along and there are still times I feel guilty trying again, but the best we can do is remember, cherish and live our lives. We will never forget our squishy and they will always be our first child, but lately I felt alright with everything that has happened. My message from one mother to another is – You are stronger than you will ever know and you will make it through this.
I first got actopic,9 years later,after trying every thing I could, going from one doctor to another,I managed to get pregnant, but I got miscarriage, I feel like I’m just walking inside a dead body,I’m Brocken,my relationship with my man is dying everyday, he don’t want to understand how I feel,infect he choose to go on with cheating… I cant take a pain anymore not after he told me that a real woman should give birth
Sarah, I completely understand the pain. I had an ectopic pregnancy in 2009. However, I was blessed enough to have a live birth, my daughter, in 2011. Then, after five years and a full year of trying, I got pregnant again in March 2016. I miscarried at 9 weeks, April 27, 2016. The pain never fully goes away. But it does get easier over time. In no way is this your fault!!! Some eggs just aren’t meant to make it. We will never understand why our babies have been taken away from us. On that note…..
There is no reason he should have ever said that to you. You need to be surrounded by support not torn down. If he has been cheating on you, this is definitely a toxic relationship and one which should be ended anyway. Okay I will step down off my soapbox now.
I gave birth in May 2014 via c-section and he was only 23 weeks . He lived for ten weeks and I still live with the pain and grieve. I suck it up and smile when woman in our family falls pregnant. Now I have been invited to two baby showers and both babies are boys. The one asked me to bake a prince cake for the party. I felt like lashing out but just said that I don’t bake anymore. Feeling very sad. I have to work through my emotions again????
I was only 10 weeks an my baby stopped growing at 7 weeks an the heart had stopped beating I had waited 2 years to get pregnant an it had finally happened I lost my baby an my father a week an half apart this is the worst year of my life :/
Hello, I was four weeks and five days pregnant. I went for my first prenatal visit yesterday and the doctors said l miscarriaged. Yes l was experiencing cramping and bleeding but thought it was normal(even tho l didnt bleed first two pregnancies). I am completely devastated and zero support from my husband.???????? Im not sure if l will get pregnant again but im so emotional right now, can even think straight. Rest in peace baby Kai???? mommy will always love you
I feel unbearably guilty as I was pregnant with a baby I didn’t know if I wanted to keep or not. I had a miscarriage and it was the most painful and unbearable experience I have ever been through. My partner has been the most amazing rock throughout but I can’t express the feelings of guilt and heartbreak I have had since losing the child. I have a history of depression and have felt it surging through me since losing the baby, I don’t know how I feel and it’s building up to ridiculous outpourings of tears and I don’t know how to handle this. I feel anti-sexual and disgusting since which makes me feel as though I’m blaming the baby and I don’t know how to handle any of it. Any advice would be gratefully taken
What you are experiencing seems so inevitable, you know? Because you have gone through something so hard, in many ways, and then there are hormones and biochemistry issues that beat you down. This isn’t your fault. Please believe that.
It sounds like you could use some help…professional help. We all need that when we go through trauma, and you have.
I’m sending you peace!
I agree with Heather King. You need to get some professional help to deal with the grief. I lost our baby almost a year ago. I had to get on antidepressants to help me cope with our loss. And they have greatly helped.
Thank you this helped. My daughter experienced a micarriage. Now that the day of her due date is coming, how can I help her over that stressful day. She will be thinking of giving birth. I want to be strong for her.
I just lost my baby and I feel lost all alone and I don’t want to live no more
Donisha, I’m so very sorry. You need help to get through this, okay? It is too much for one person to handle alone. I hope you can see a therapist to help you get through. Please also call this number if you are planning to end your life – 1-800-273-8255 There are people who can help you. I know no one can take away the pain, but I promise you that you will never forget your baby and you will heal at the same time. It will always hurt, but not in this same way. It will change and get better, with time and help. You can honor your baby by reaching out for help and healing in the ways that you can. I’m sending you so much peace.
i lost mine on dec 17, 2016, after 8 weeks. when i first found out, the pregnancy was 6weeks, and on my second appointment on dec 15, at 8 weeks, the doctor said that she couldn’t find any pulse, any heartbeat. she said that my baby probably never had a heartbeat. i visited another doc for second opinion, and he told me the same thing. he said it was just a bad luck, that i can still bear another baby. he then vacuumed the baby out. till today, 2 months after the loss, its still so difficult, i felt that i killed my own baby. my husband keeps telling me that the baby was never ours and things will get better. but to move on is so darn difficult, i still cry in the middle of the night, i still have terrible mood swing and so on. the baby never had a pulse and im such a bad mom that my baby never want to grow in me…
This article is truly therapeutic. I had my first, and last ultrasound on 2/14/2017. I was 10 weeks pregnant when they told me my baby was dead. I had a DNC the following week and since then I’ve felt empty and alone. My fiance has a child (2 yearold daughter)from a previous marriage who is the light of my life, but this was my first pregnancy and it’s hard not to feel a sense of grief when I’ve been a mother to her for the majority of her life. I have a strong support network from my family and friends, but it I still feel this loss and guilt. I feel afraid to try for another baby because my heart just can’t take another loss.
I’m rambling on here and apologize for that. But I just wanted to get it all out there in the hopes that maybe someone could sympathize with me. To everyone reading this I hope you’re holding strong through this and even if you’re falling apart please know that you are strong. You will go through this, and good things will come to you.
While I can definitely sympathize with you, I already had one child of my own and my fiancé had a daughter from a previous relationship. However, the baby we lost ten months and seven days ago was so wanted and loved before it was even in me. We lost ours at nine weeks. The pain and grief from losing a loved baby is like no other in this world. It is the hardest thing I have ever survived. But survive I did and I know you will too. Don’t give up hope. I have been pregnant 4 times and only have one child. But also don’t rush in to try having another right away. Take time to heal. We are getting married next month and will be trying again once we tie the knot. I wish you luck and pray you will heal in your heart soon.
This is my first time commenting my story on any forums. I have read many other stories from parents with my similar experience and, it does help knowing we truly aren’t alone. First, I want to extend my condolences to every person dealing with the loss of a child, no matter the circumstance. Every one is unique and painful. I am a 36 yr old grieving mother of 4 babies. 3 miscarriages in the early weeks of pregnancy, 4-5 weeks along. My last pregnancy I carried my little boy to 25 weeks and 6 days. I have an incompotent cervix I’m sure due to a few procedures I’ve had prior to my 4th pregnancy. He was of course immediately sent to the NICU. Amazingly, I heard him cry before they left with him. I was thrilled to hear that music to my ears but terrified of what was to come after. My little one was a very strong determined sweet baby. He was intubated immediately but extubated the very same day! He was born December 11, 2016. Things seemed to be going as well as it could, minimal setbacks. Things seemed reassuring that after all I had been through, I had strong hope I would be taking him home but knowing it would be a long stay in the NICU. That didn’t matter to me, I was just elated I had actually delivered a baby that was doing well under the circumstance. Things made a turn for the worst. Within hours, he was perfectly fine and all of a sudden he developed NEC. A common thing for preemies. He was life flighted to Riley’s Children’s Hospital for emergency surgery. He was not very responsive before surgery, he was so sick. Sadly, shortly after surgery he passed away. The damage in his intestines were severe and his little heart couldn’t take it anymore. He died Jan 25, 2017. A month 1/2 old. My heart is shattered. The pain is unbearable and therapy may be in my near future. I hope to within some healing time, try again. I cannot give up! Unless it would be absolutely impossible for my body to carry a baby, I cannot give up. I just want all of you to know, I understand the depth of such tragedys. I have yet to bring home a child at 36 yrs old and I’m feeling my time is running short for me. I will not give up. Blessings to you all in your grieving process that you all find some peace in your mind and heart.
I am suffering from depression I lost 5 baby’s. One at 8weeks pregnant, 2nd was a stillborn son my 3rd was a emergency DNC. The hardest was my 4th I had a daughter at 5months and she passed in my arms. I never reached out for help only family and church but I’ve always struggled with it. Every year I go through depression episode’s. I lost my last baby a few day’s after finding out I was pregnant. Im 33-year-old and re married no baby yet. I feel like I need help im tired of going through this mentally it’s taking a toll on me.
Thank you for writing this article and to everyone who has commented and shared personal experiences – it is so comforting to feel that you are not the only person going through this because it feels so lonely.
We lost our baby on Monday 20th February 2017. Although unplanned and fairly early on in our relationship, we felt it was a boy, gave him a nickname (the little fella) and spoke about him a lot. We had had two early scans which showed a strong heartbeat and felt that it was simply meant to be.
Initially the whole experience albeit devastating seemed to bring us closer together but as time goes on we seem to be drifting apart, questioning our relationship and not connecting emotionally or physically. It is so sad that something that started with so much happiness has become so bittersweet. Although I have spoken to family and friends it feels very isolating – I feel very on my own and not myself.
My name is Emily and I My on Sunday. I felt numb and shock the whole day. Today I woke up feeling a heavyweight lifted off of me. My family and Keep I are gonna have a celebration of releasing some balloons in the baby honor. This is my first mc I have a 17yr old and my husband has a 21 yr old with her 1 yr old. In a dream the Lord allow me to see my child happy and whole. This gave me comfort and peace. I’m just taking it moment by moment Praying and seeking peace from the lord. Thank you so much for this site.
Thank you for this article. I just lost a baby on Monday and I’ve come back to this article numerous times for different answers or reasons. Thank you specifically for addressing the fact that moving on from grief does not mean you ever forget your baby. That for me is the hard part. I’ve been feeling guilty for even the brief feelings of being ok, thinking that I must stay in the deepest level of my grief, or I must not have felt that deeply for her. The knowledge that it is ok for me to start to feel better does help with those feelings of guilt and self doubt.
Thanks a lot for this, it really shed some light to me. I had a miscarriage and after I got back in the office, the people are really not helping with my emotions, I feel worthless and with low self esteem and the idea of suicide is always on my mind. Indeed what you said is true, I found out who my truest friends are. Thank you so much.
Thank you for writting. This validated my feelings greatly. On Oct. 20th of this year at 6:10 p.m., I became a mom for the first time at 18 weeks, to a beautiful angel baby. Brielle Faith Jimeson was 3.3 oz, and 6 1/2 inches long. The main thing I remeber about her was that she had fingernails and toenails already! I had grown to love her so much, and continue to today. She was BORN, she was HERE, and she MATTERED. She was already loved by so many. I know she is in a much better place than i could ever provide, but I just can’t convince my heart. I am still so heartbroken, I just don’t know how to get my life back together. I have a permanent hole in my heart, that I can never fill. I would never wish that she was not born though. I love her so much.
I am so glad I found this… I’ve hsd 3 miscarriages, 2 spontaneous and 1 missed miscarriage that ended in a d&c… this last one was full of xomplications although it only lastes 8 weeks. Doctors thought it was a partial molar pregnancy and pushed for a d&c. After we were told the pregnancy was not viable anymore,That there was no progress, No debelopment we agreed to a d&c to check it wasn’t a pmp. And ir wasn’t Thsnk God!. 3 days afte thr d&c I went to bed and woke up with a feeling of anxiety and emptiness feeling weird not myself and out of place. Today just now I had like a panic attack where I just want to cry. But I don’t feel sadness just this anxiety and thid pressure on my chest. I want it to go away. I honestly felt like God had given me the strenght I had prayed for to accept his will… I dont know if what I feel is sadness. Doesn’t ferl like it. It feels different and I truly rather feel thst sadness and cry for losing my baby thsn this. I am holding on to my faith and asking God to tske this feeling away and restore my peace. I don’t kb5ow if this has anything to do with hormones but that’s what I think it is. I suggested that to my case manager (RN) and she told mr it wasn’t that it was more of a mental health issue. But I’m so glad I looked this up and I read this.
Hi Grace, I’m sorry for your loss. I think if you’re thinking about suicide you should talk to a counselor. It can be very helpful the air out your emotions. Also, know that you are important and valued. You were put here in this world for a reason and you will make it through. I’m praying for you .
Thank you so much for this. I’m still very early in my grieving process. I found out at my anatomy scan (21w along) that my baby had perished about 4 weeks prior. As of this past Friday, I’ve undergone a D&E. I’ve had a previous missed miscarriage at 8w, 6 years ago. I remember thinking “thank goodness it was early, I don’t know how I would feel if I had felt the baby only to lose them”, but now I know: it sucks, goodness what an understatement. I’ll be returning to this article often when my emotional roller coaster seems particularly bumpy or stuck.
This is very helpfull!! I have recently had a miscarriage and it absolutely broke me. I am still grieving about it but slowly getting better. I am still fairly young and only have a part time job but i would have done anything in this life to be able to keep that baby. I thank my fiance every day for being soo supportive. We almost called our engagement off after the loss but luckily we didn’t and thinking of planning to try for a baby later in the future.
I had a miscarriage at 6weeks 3 weeks ago I feel like this emptiness will never end I will see a therapist on Thursday because I have no desire to go to work or to see anyone or speak to anyone who I worked with feel angry feel guilty and the tears come so randomly reading this made me feel that my feelings are real and that I can feel this way and that me grieving it’s ok
I had a miscarriage in September last year. I am not dealing with it very well. I also lost my fiancé after it was over. Double whammy 🙁