Katherine Stone

Katherine Stone is the founder of Postpartum Progress, is a nationally-recognized peer advocate for women who suffer mental illnesses related to pregnancy & childbirth, and is also a parenting writer for Strollerderby. She was named one of the ten most influential mom bloggers of 2011 by Babble, and also as one of WebMD's Health Heroes.+ Katherine Stone

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Frelle: On The Variety of Symptoms of Postpartum Depression

By Katherine Stone May 13, 2012 8 Comments

Dear New Mom,

“Sometimes, reaching out and taking someone’s hand is the beginning of a journey. At other times, it is allowing another to take yours.” ~Vera Nazarian

One of the most misunderstood parts of motherhood is the emotional roller-coaster you’re on right after giving birth. Everyone expects you to be settling in blissfully while staring doe-eyed at your bundle of joy.

But having a baby is both amazingly fantastic and ridiculously exhausting. And pregnancy and childbirth are a gigantic physical and hormonal undertaking, and you may or may not have a difficult time adjusting to life afterward. There is no set biological pattern for hormones during pregnancy and immediately following childbirth, there is no cycle. That alone makes stability a challenge. Add in the torturous levels of sleep deprivation that can come with being up every two hours every night for 30 or 40 minutes for feeding and diaper changes each time, and you are absolutely NOT yourself for a while. Sometimes your brain chemistry suffers with that disruption of proper serotonin levels, and it’s even possible for the levels to not return to normal.

Negative emotions during what is “supposed to be” a wonderful post-birth haze can be confusing for both the mom and those around her as well. Many women think there must me something wrong with them, assuming they “should” feel happy. More often than not, feelings of guilt, shame, and the need to put up a facade prevent women from reaching out to tell anyone how they really feel. [Read more...]

May 13, 2012 10:00 pm Filed Under: Mother's Day Rally for Mental Health

Lindsay Maloan: On Why A Mother’s Arms Are Home

By Katherine Stone May 13, 2012 11 Comments

Dear New Mom,

Those shiny sitcoms and commercials that are flashing before you right now? They aren’t real.

You are real.

These waves of emotions rushing over you, pulling you along like a current…happy, sad, overwhelmed, uncomfortable, tired, elated, lonely, conflicted. They are real. They are normal.

Darling, I wish you well
On your way to the wishing well
Swinging off of those gates of hell
But I can tell how hard you’re trying….

You don’t have to feel confident or competent all of the time.

You don’t have to like your husband or boyfriend or partner all of the time.

You may not like yourself all of the time.

::Whispers:: You don’t even have to like your baby all of the time. [Read more...]

May 13, 2012 9:00 pm Filed Under: Mother's Day Rally for Mental Health, Postpartum Depression

Jenni Chiu: On Replacing the Judgy Pants With Talky Pants

By Katherine Stone May 13, 2012 11 Comments

Dear new mom,

Your world is officially rocked.

You have been handed a squishy, little, mewling babe. This baby is probably angelic and terrifying at the same time. Along with this baby, you have unknowingly been handed “judgy pants.” Unfortunately, you may find that these pants fit very well. Try your damndest not to wear them… not when hearing about, or being around other mothers… and especially not in your alone moments at home.

I had the judgy pants. I may have even had them before my first baby was born, because I spent my pregnancy days reading, researching, taking parenting classes, and had come to the conclusion that I was going to be the perfect mother.

From the day I brought that baby home, I was not. [Read more...]

May 13, 2012 8:00 pm Filed Under: Postpartum Psychosis

Robin Farr: On Being Worthy of Celebration This Mother’s Day

By Katherine Stone May 13, 2012 9 Comments

Dear new mom,

Mother’s Day is a very tough day when the last thing you want to do is celebrate your mothering. I know, because last year I wanted Mother’s Day to pass me by completely. I couldn’t bear to be celebrated for something I felt so profoundly bad at.

I’ve never really thought I’m a good mother. Or maybe it’s that I am not the mother I thought I would be. I thought I would be good at this. I thought I would find a secret reserve of patience somewhere and be able to draw on it when needed. I thought I would enjoy it more.

Last year wasn’t my first Mother’s Day, but it was my hardest. It was a particularly rough time, and about a month before Mother’s Day – after about 2 ½ years of not being treated properly for postpartum depression – I had a breakdown and ended up taking time off work. My husband and I quickly acknowledged that, at that time, I wasn’t actually able to do the toddler care stuff. So I didn’t do any of it. I didn’t get him breakfast or brush his teeth or keep him entertained or put him to bed. I played a little bit here and there, but mostly I hid in our guest room and tried to get over the feeling of wanting to die. Not exactly a great lead-up to a day that celebrates motherhood. [Read more...]

May 13, 2012 7:00 pm Filed Under: Mother's Day Rally for Mental Health, Postpartum Depression

Erin Margolin: On What You Should Know About Antenatal Depression

By Katherine Stone May 13, 2012 14 Comments

Dear Precious New Mama:

First off, you should know I’m writing this as my 6-month-old daughter screams her head off in her crib. She’s been fed, has a fresh diaper on, she’s not sick, and I’m letting her cry it out because she’s tired. Frankly, so am I, and she needs to learn to put herself to sleep. By the time I finish writing this, she will be napping peacefully and I’ll have had some much-needed time to myself. Winner winner chicken dinner!

You should know that despite having had twins six years ago, I wasn’t any more prepared for motherhood this time around. I’ve been stressed out, feeling panicky, depressed, overwhelmed, and exhausted (just to name a few). I assumed since I’d survived multiples that a singleton would be easy. HA! It’s been more difficult this time around.

I wanted to be supermom. I wanted to be the mom who cooked dinner, juggled sweet baby while twins colored happily, and did it wearing trendy trouser jeans and pumps rather than my yoga pants and tank top with spit-up stains.

But during my last pregnancy I learned that’s all a farce, a facade we’ve all subscribed to thanks to the media and celebrity moms who have nannies round-the-clock. There is no perfection in motherhood, nor should there be. Our kids need to know it’s okay to be who they are. They learn that from us. So we have to accept ourselves and make sure we show and tell them all the time. We are all wonderful just the way we are.

You should know that I hurt myself when I was pregnant with Piper. I didn’t even know I was pregnant yet (she was a surprise/miracle baby), and I was in the throes of a very deep depression. Antenatal depression, as it turned out. Feeling dumpy, sad, lonely and worthless, I succumbed to self injury. This was not the first time I’d done this, but I hope it will be the last. I feel guilty that I did that to myself, and indirectly to Piper while she was growing inside of me. But what’s done is done and I refuse to look back on that with regret. Instead, I’ve learned to recognize the warning signs and now I know when to reach out for help. [Read more...]

May 13, 2012 6:00 pm Filed Under: Mother's Day Rally for Mental Health, Postpartum Depression

Jennifer Gaskell: On Postpartum Depression’s Black Clouds of Despair

By Katherine Stone May 13, 2012 15 Comments

Dear new mom,

I know how tough today is for you. You feel this pressure to be “on” and get all dressed up for church and brunch out at a restaurant when all you want to do is stay in bed and get some rest. Today is a bittersweet anniversary for me. It was a year ago today that I realized that I was really struggling with postpartum depression and that I was not okay. I treated myself to a free yoga class taught by a dear friend. The relaxation portion of the class was wonderful until I realized how much tension I was carrying around. I realized that the pit of anxiety and panic in my stomach wasn’t going away. I felt like I was drowning. I could not see color; I just saw gray around me. I felt like I had a black cloud of despair over my head.

After the class had ended, I spoke with my friend about the challenges of having two children and how hard it was for me. She was so reassuring and empathetic. After chatting with my friend, I drove home in silence. I remembered that she had disclosed to me several years earlier that she had suffered from severe postpartum depression with her oldest. I wondered if this was what I was suffering from. I got on the Internet, and I found Postpartum Progress and Postpartum Support International. I found a therapist who was fifteen minutes from my house. She had a last-minute cancellation, and I was in her office the following Wednesday. Two weeks later, she gave me my official diagnosis of postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety. [Read more...]

May 13, 2012 5:00 pm Filed Under: Mother's Day Rally for Mental Health, Postpartum Depression

Katie Sluiter: On Hating Yourself During Postpartum Depression

By Katherine Stone May 13, 2012 11 Comments

Dear You:

I know you.

Whether you are a brand new mom, or a fifth-time mom, have feelings that something is not quite right …

Where you are a dad or spouse searching for answers or resources for why your lovely wife is being so damn mean or angry or sad or just … not the same lately …

Whether you are a friend or family member of someone who just had a baby and you think something might be “off” …

I know you.

I was that new mom who cried and raged and threw things, including hateful words, at the people who loved me most.

I was the new mom trying so hard to conceal the fact that I had nothing together even though everyone thought I had everything together. My baby was a mess. I was a mess.

It pains me to write this, but I didn’t like my baby. I didn’t like my husband. I didn’t like my mom or my family or my friends. But most of all? I hated myself. [Read more...]

May 13, 2012 4:00 pm Filed Under: Mother's Day Rally for Mental Health, Postpartum Depression

Lauren Hale: On The Journey of Postpartum Depression

By Katherine Stone May 13, 2012 12 Comments

Dear new moms:

When you go on a journey, you have a starting point. Sometimes you have a destination, sometimes you don’t. Regardless of your destination or lack thereof, there is always a starting point. A place to which you hope to eventually return. Or a place you hope to never see again. It’s there.

With a Postpartum Mood & Anxiety Disorder like postpartum depression, you find yourself on a journey. It’s not one you planned. It doesn’t involve a Concierge, a gaggle of maids to clean up after you, amazing food, or even a heated swimming pool. It’s a tough journey with lots of twists, turns, spills, and potholes. It’s messy.

There’s a starting point with this journey. There’s even a second starting point –the point at which you reach out for help– and until you reach this second starting point, the rest of your journey does not make sense. It’s as if you’re wandering aimlessly in the desert, clinging to anything remotely logical. [Read more...]

May 13, 2012 3:00 pm Filed Under: Mother's Day Rally for Mental Health, Postpartum Depression

Kathleen Schmidt: On Feeling Like You Can’t Be A Mother

By Katherine Stone May 13, 2012 9 Comments

Dear New Mom,

I wish someone had written a letter like this to me after the birth of my son (now and daughter (now 4). Right now, it may feel as though you are trapped in someone else’s body, mourning the version of yourself that existed before your baby was born. You have every right to feel like a stranger to yourself—in some ways, you are exactly that. After my son was born, I woke up one morning and said, “I can’t be his mother.” I was under the illusion that I had given up some fabulous life, shocked by the weight I had gained, and sat in the house every single day during my maternity leave, crying most days and numb others. I didn’t understand how other women could enjoy their babies, which made me feel worse: why couldn’t I love my baby boy? Why did I feel like running away? Even when I returned to work, I was barely able to hold it together most days. I didn’t go out with my friends for a year, choosing solitude over conversation. I sought out help in the form of Goldie, an old school therapist who never once mentioned postpartum depression. I don’t remember much from that time in my life because I worked so hard to get past it. I do remember that as my son grew, I felt more comfortable in my mommy skin. And then…

I got pregnant again. The day I found out, I was stunned. At the time, my OBGYN had said my chances of getting pregnant were slim to none because I had suffered a miscarriage the prior year and it had damaged my fallopian tubes. When the same OBGYN confirmed the pregnancy, all I could do was cry. I didn’t want another baby; I was terrified of going through such a deep postpartum depression again. It was not an easy pregnancy: I felt tense most of the time, and experienced a full range of emotions (anger, sadness, anxiety … the list goes on). By this time, we had moved to a new town and I began seeing an OBGYN who took postpartum depression very seriously. When, in my 30^th week, I finally mentioned what happened after my son was born, he said: “I will not let anything happen to you.” [Read more...]

May 13, 2012 2:00 pm Filed Under: Mother's Day Rally for Mental Health, Postpartum Depression

Jenna Hatfield: On Wanting to Be the Perfect Mom

By Katherine Stone May 13, 2012 16 Comments

Dear New Mom,

I wanted nothing more than to be a mom. No, no, that’s not true. I wanted nothing more than to be a great mom. No, that’s still not right. I wanted nothing more than to be a perfect mom. I was going to be the be-all-and-end-all of all mothers. Ever. I was going to be the mom that other moms were jealous of, the mom they look at in awe.

The kind of mom that would never have failed a child.

Two years prior to the birth of my amazing oldest son, I relinquished my firstborn daughter at birth. I was just out of college when I found out I was pregnant. I began preparing for parenting when I was placed on Level III bed rest at 18 weeks, thus making it impossible to save money. I panicked. I ended up placing my baby for adoption.

The facilitator through which I placed told me I would be sad for a while after the birth of my firstborn, but that it would get better with time. That I would wake up one day and realize what I did was so good. A few weeks later, unable to find the good, I instead found myself in a bathroom with a razor blade. Nothing happened — but I wanted it to. I wanted to stop feeling empty, physically and emotionally. I wanted the hurt to stop. I wanted to stop feeling. In general. [Read more...]

May 13, 2012 1:00 pm Filed Under: Mother's Day Rally for Mental Health, Postpartum Depression