Which Katherine am I?
There’s the me I know quite well. She talks a lot, often too much in fact, mainly because she’s insecure in her skin and trying so hard, too hard, to show what she knows or that she’s worthy even when she thinks she’s not. Or maybe she is. Truth is, she’s never exactly sure. She can talk a good game, as we’ve just established, but she has a hard time making close, intimate friends, partially due to social anxiety and partially because true intimacy scares the heck out of her. She does work to help others and is sometimes fortunate to be recognized for it, yet when the recognition comes it always feels like an out-of-body experience. It can’t be her they’re talking about.
Then there’s the Katherine I saw reflected back at me when I went to a blogging conference last week called BlogHer. She has style, she smiles a lot and she feels strong and confident. She has friends — lovely, smart, interesting, kind, accomplished, freaking cool friends. She has learned some things along the way that she is happy to share with others, and she is also just as eager to learn from those others. When she looks in her hotel room mirror, she sees beauty, some of it on the outside, most of it radiating from within. It cannot be ignored.
What was with those mirrors in the San Diego Marriott Marquis, anyway? They don’t look at all like the ones at home. Are they made with some special kind of glass? Why is it that, much like the Grinch’s heart, my self-esteem grows three sizes larger when I’m around so many kind and supportive women? Why did I feel more beautiful and more capable and more worthy when looking into the mirror at BlogHer?
While there are many opportunities to cry at BlogHer, given the powerful and sometimes gut-wrenching stories that are always told there, I’m pretty good with a stiff upper lip. The work that I love — helping mothers with perinatal mood and anxiety disorders — is steeped in a lot of pain and despair, and in order to do it day in and day out I have hardened myself just enough so that I can empathize and understand but am not sucked permanently into a vortex of sadness. Instead, I focus on the endgame: recovery and the love and happiness that can be … will be … found in mothering.
I was startled, then, when tears started flowing as I sat in on a BlogHer panel about owning your beauty. They came tumbling out of my eyes with unstoppable force and I felt silly for it but I could not stop. As I sat there listening to the beautiful and talented Rita Arens, Jess Weiner, Karen Walrond, Kate Harding and Stephanie Nielsen, I felt that more than any other message I needed to hear what they had to say. Not only hear it but take it in, believe it and make it my truth: We are all worthy. At that moment I felt crushed under the weight that I alone place on myself, my unease at accepting that I’m more than enough.
I have to wonder how much my issues with self-esteem and my belief, or lack thereof, in my self-worth played into my experience with postpartum OCD. When it came to what I must subconsciously believe is the ultimate test of one’s value — being a good and loving mother — I was sure from the start that I was doomed to fail. What bullshit! How could I have been so unfair to myself when I’m never this unfair to others? I’ve come to learn, of course, that I was dead wrong. I’m a great mom, but it took my children’s love to convince me of that.
Are there other women who were in San Diego who also went home and looked into their own mirrors and noticed they were different too? Women whose beauty and worth is so obvious to me but which they cannot see? I came home, peered into mine and felt a strong urge to rip it down, fly back to San Diego, dismantle the one from room 2166 and reinstall it here. Yet that won’t fix the problem. It’s not my mirror that’s dysfunctional. It’s me. I want to be the Katherine that I saw in the mirror at BlogHer. I need to learn and accept that girl is me. I AM HER. It’s not okay to tamp myself down. I need to allow my eyes to see HER, not the lesser Katherine who often stares back at me. Whether it’s how I look, what I weigh, what kind of mother, wife and friend I am, my age, the work I do and how I do it, it’s all worthy. So …
Which Katherine am I? I am Katherine the Great. I can do this. I can practice and practice until I fully believe this.
So can you. To the following friends, in case you didn’t already know, I want you to know the spectacular beauty and worth in you that I see, and I’m hoping you saw in your BlogHer hotel room mirror, was and is the real and true reflection of you:
Rita Arens, Cecily Kellogg, Robin Plemmons, Briar Sauro, Dresden Plaid, Kristen Howerton, Meagan Francis, Megan Jordan, Sarah Braesch, Laurie White, Ree Drummond, Liz Gumbinner, Becky Harks, Miranda, Katie Sluiter, Beth Anne Ballance, Alena Chandler, Esther Crawford, Ellie Schoenberger, Heather King, Ann Imig, Linda Sellers, Ellen Seidman, Cheryl Contee, Darline Turner-Lee, Casey Mullins, Jenny Ingram, Emily McKhann, Fadra Nally, Chrysula Winegar, Morgan Shanahan, Lindsay Goldner, Annie Urban, Holly Hamman, Anissa Mayhew, Diane Lang, Cristi Comes, Robin Farr, Janice Croze, Debbie Bookstaber, Gina Brown, Lisa Stone, Elisa Camahort Page, Tanis Miller, Danielle Smith, Anissa Mayhew, Alli Worthington, Barbara Jones, Kelby Carr, Jenna Hatfield, Denise Tanton, Kim Tracy Prince, Kristen Chase, Jess Weiner, Victoria Mason, Karen Walrond, Molly Shalz, Shannon Mr. Lady, Jill Krause, Heather Burrell, Liz Thompson, Schmutzie, Deb Rox, Dr. Goddess, and every single other one of you fantastic women I met.
Oh, and you too, Neil.
Isn't it amazing to realize that you are more Katherine than you are ever fully capable of knowing in one single moment?
Beautiful.
1. It was great to meet you, and I'm so happy we made a connection.
2. I've been really struggling with how I feel post Blogher. I couldn't put my finger on it because it's not that I had a "bad" conference experience. I didn't! I actually had so many wonderful interactions (like ours) and made so many great experiences. I allowed myself to accept praise from others and I LOVED who I was there.
You just nailed it. Reading this post, I was like YES. That's me, too. I never let myself be happy with myself. I don't know what it was about the conference that made that a bit easier, and why it didn't get on the plane with me to come home. I've been on the verge of tears all morning because I'm, once again, right back at that place where I hate that I can't do everything and hate the I beat myself up for it. I've been trying to get in the San Diego state of mind since I got out of bed this morning, and I've failed.
Thank you for this. I hope you find that girl in the mirror again soon.
You are beautiful inside & out. But I hear ya, we most harshly judge ourselves. I do it too. I didn't feel quite as fabulous at BlogHer as you describe but it was my first time and I didnt Know many people or have as many accomplishments in blogging under my belt. I think that proves that the lovely support of others and following your passion can go a long way in helping us own our beauty. But ultimately we need to find beauty within ourselves if it's going to last. I loved meeting you and learning from you Katherine.
Katherine, you could not have said it more eloquently. I am sitting here in tears because I feel so strongly that I grew and found myself better than I have in MONTHS while in San Diego. It was a truly beautiful, life changing experience… yet I come home and feel dull, out of it and completely at a loss as to how to translate that feeling here at home. Thank you for this. I am forwarding the article to my husband in hopes of shedding some light and understanding his way.
I always feel better when I'm around you. And you are stylish, and powerful, and compassionate…just a force. (And I wish I could just have you dress me, honestly. I would be so much better off. :))
I wish I could bring that mirror home, too. It's funny how it takes no time at all to go back to the old views. I'm working on it harder this year, though. xo.
I love you so much.
Thank you Katherine. I'm so glad we ran into each other in the lobby and got to have lunch that first day in San Diego. I appreciate the shout out in your session and in this blog post too.
I did feel popular and beautiful and accomplished at BlogHer and then came home and felt plain. Just plain and boring. And tired. Very tired. Still recovering.
Love you! 🙂
Oh, I love this post more than you know. Even though I wasn't there (sadpanda) I felt this way after Type A. I rode the wave of being "the person in the mirror at the Asheville Renaissance" for a while and now feel myself slipping into "the person in the mirror in the house in Dunwoody" and I need to get out of it. You're beautiful. And fabulous. And amazing. Don't let any mirror tell you otherwise. You do it and I'll do the same!
This is just perfect. So, so glad that I got to meet and love you.
Katherine – you are such a beautiful person. Truly. I sense that many of us in the blogging world have a crazy twisted background that gives us all a bit of low self-esteem. I know this from talking to so many other women that seem to be just like me. Imagine that. I had to spend 40 years being insecure and then fall into the blogging community before I finally felt like it's okay to be me. It's not only okay. There are people that love me for it.
You get what you give and you give what you get. You are beautiful and I hope you get it as much as you give it!
I think that, in the best possible way, being surrounded with so many incredibly talented, inspiring women helps each of us reconnect with the power that is very much within each of us. This was my first BlogHer and first blogging conference, so I can't speak to other gatherings, but I know I felt that the entire place just vibrated with good energy.
Maybe it's the way the sun falls on Southern California, maybe it's the crisp breeze off the ocean, I don't know. I know I liked who I saw in the mirror in my room at the Hard Rock, and I know I stepped off of that plane back in Oklahoma feeling very empowered.
Are you sick to death yet of me telling you that Pathfinder was amazing? I had a hard time choosing which one to go to, but as soon as the mike was passed and introductions were made, I knew I was in the right place. I caught the tail end of your session on online revolutions, and it was so inspiring as well.
Such good, good stuff. Let's hope we can all summon those San Diego mirrors in our minds in the moments we need that reflection most.
Oh, Katherine. You are speaking my heart. The heart of so many, too. I love your vulnerable bravery. You ARE Katherine the Great. What makes you so beautiful to me, despite your obvious physical beauty – is your great big gorgeous shiny heart. It takes some serious guts to put yourself out there, be genuine and warm and OPEN. You are so OPEN.
Coming home from BlogHer is always jarring for me. I feel a kind of whooshing emptiness inside – it is something like missing all my friends, but also something like missing the person they see in me.
I'm getting better, though, at bringing the Ellie they see home with me, holding her close, and whispering in her ear: you are beautiful.
I just love you to pieces.
-Ellie
Rock on with your beautiful self! You are such a cool trailblazer…..love you and this post!
I love you, my friend. I love every piece of you, from your amazing soul to that kick-ass red hair that I would recognize anywhere.
& I needed this today. NEEDED.
I like being reminded that I am sometimes more than I think I am. It's a good feeling. Sometimes it takes others to help me see that. Thanks Amanda!
Thanks Jill. It's comforting and yet at the same time disappointing to know that others — others who I admire and respect, like you — feel the same. Isn't it amazing that we do this to ourselves?
Lean on me whenever you'd like, if you need a reminder how awesome you are!
– Katherine
I'm SO glad you got so much out of it Krystal! It's so weird to come from such a high to feeling out of sorts once you get home. And it doesn't mean you aren't happy to be home and see your loved ones! I'm thrilled to be home with my children and husband. It's just … well, you know. 😉
It really lifts me up to think I make you feel better. That's an awesome thing, because I want you to feel awesome 24/7. You are worth it in every way, Laurie.
– K
The feeling is mutual, as you know.
P.S. My kids saw the Sparklecorn video and what do you think they said? "Mom! There's Cecily!!"
– K
There's nothing plain and boring about you, my dear. Love you muchly!
– K
Glad you said this Jana. I think any time we are surrounded by people who understand us, and who get what we do and are passionate about, there can be a letdown afterward I felt the same way after Type A too.
Miss you!
– K
You, too, Briar!!!!
– K
Love you back friend. Love you BACK.
– K
Well, I'm crying.
You are divine. Truly, beautifully divine. It was such a joy to see you, to hug you in person. This post is a lovely awakening moment…. I hope you come back and read it every.single.day until you know it deep in your heart just as I know it about you. You are gorgeous inside and out. And you make a difference – a heartfelt difference every day. That matters. xoxo
Katherine:
Thank you so much for your kind comment the other day. Your support means the world to me and I know it will get better. People like you make the world a better place.