Inside postpartum depression there are a multitude of challenges, but one I often struggle with is how my mental health affects my physical health. Therapies that help my mood like medication can often cause weight gain. And a big cycle ensues.
For me, it’s a big loop of feeling depressed, lacking the motivation to exercise, taking meds that are known to cause weight gain, emotionally eating, gaining weight and feeling even worse about myself, with a bad body image. It all leads me further into depression.
A while back I tried to get motivated and attended a stroller exercise class. It’s a great option when you don’t have easily accessible childcare. You just bring them along. I had high hopes because I knew a few of the women in the class and they loved it.
I went into this class still inside my own place of anxiety and depression, but it felt good to get motivated and take a positive step. That is, until I got there.
This big group of women all in the postpartum period themselves felt like a big community. Great, right? But for me? My social anxiety took over. They all seemed so much more fit than me. I had trouble keeping up, and even though they reminded me with great care to go at my own pace, I felt defeated. I wasn’t good enough. Teary eyed and insecure by the end of class.
I haven’t exercised since.
I want to be motivated. I really do. Exercise for many is a wonderful therapy for the body and mind. I know so many new moms who get their groove back or help manage their mood issues with exercise. Endorphins are real, they feel good. A healthier body can help lead to a healthier mind too. It’s so interconnected in many ways and I know that … intellectually.
But when I’m in a place where I’m not feeling at my best emotionally and I’m already not happy with myself physically, finding the will to exercise can be the most difficult thing in the world.
After having Ellie (she’s 22 months now) and battling my own postpartum depression, I’ve had many ups and downs with mood and weight. At one point I’d do so well with both, feeling balanced and healthy, eating right and feeling and looking good. Then extra stress or lack of sleep would overtake me (still does sometimes), and I’d feel depressed, not eat well and put on a few pounds.
I’ve changed medications a few times as of late, and one very recently surprised me with a big weight gain. I’m right this very minute almost two sizes bigger than I was just this summer. And it breaks my heart.
I know we’re supposed to focus on our health and not our size. I know that for certain in my head. But along with my depression comes feelings in my heart of inadequacy, insecurity, and sadness. I don’t even recognize the woman in the mirror and those feelings become more intense.
How about you? Are you struggling or have you struggled with your weight, body image, mental health, and physical health?
We are not alone in these feelings, I’m sure of it. It’s probably more common than we’d ever imagine.
How do you get motivated to get moving?
Ah Cristi this post hit oh so close to home. Since I have upped my meds I have gained back 10 of the 20 lbs I had worked so hard to lose . . . and I gained them back in like 2 months. It gets me down and creates even more cracks in my already fragile confidence.
I joke that I can either be fat and mostly mentally healthy or thinner but nutty than all hell! I joke about it because otherwise I would cry.
I have been lucky in that I have found an activity and a place that I love. I get out kickboxing at least three times a week and it really, really helps my mental state. Sometimes it is hard to block out those voices in my head that point out that I am one of the fattest people in the room but I do because I know how great I will feel after the workout.
Do you have any friends that would go to a class with you or that could come to your home and workout with you? There truly is strength in numbers when it comes to this sort of thing.
Thank you Jenn. I'm sorry it hit close to home but so glad you've found such s great way to exercise. It sounds fun. You're right, there is strength in numbers. Perhaps I need to ask a friend for help. Hugs to you!
This article Is so well-timed for me. I started a new medication that the doctor warned me would cause weight gain. I thought at the time, "okay, that's fine, I just want to get better." Well, he wasn't exaggerating. It makes me hungry (on top of the emotional eating factor) and has made me gain weight beyond what I normally would. I feel so bad about myself. I feel like I still look pregnant. My self-esteem is so low already, and now this. I can't even stand to look at myself. I can't get the time or energy to exercise -I have a toddler, a new baby, and I work. It's making me even more depressed. Oh well, I guess it is what it is for now. It's been upsetting me a lot these past couple weeks.
Oh sweetie I SO feel you. Have you talked to your doctor? It can be such a vicious cycle, can't it? I just wanted to say I totally understand obviously and I hope you can find the right balance for you. Hugs
Thanks -Just reading your article helped a LOT. I even showed it to my husband so he could see what I was feeling. It helps to know I'm not the only one feeling this way!
I still haven't found a good balance on taking care of myself. I'm not depressed anymore, but I find myself spending so much time taking care of my kid that I just like it's too much effort to do anything for myself. I might AS WELL be depressed, ya know? Like, I can't even get motivated to take a shower regularly 'cause…why? I prefer the time and relaxation over being clean.
Maybe I am depressed. 😛
Hmm good question. When I'm not motivated to shower its definitely a sign. It's just so hard when you focus so much energy on the littles to find time for us, which is so damn important to our happiness, self image AND parenting.
Ewokmama, My therapist and I talk about this often. I've dealt with depression for so long that I no longer know what the "normal" life that I'm longing to lead even looks like.
She reminds me that depression changes you. It changes your outlook on life and rearranges your priorities. In a good way. She calls them "Secondary Gains." The "silver lining" of depression, if you will. They are there. For all of us. Different secondary gains for all of us, but def we all have them.
My point? You value rest, relaxation. You learned the importance of those things in a very hard-fought battle w/ depression. So, in my humble opinion, unless you smell wicked nasty and your hair is so greasy that I could use it to lube something in my car's engine, then rest and relax away!
BUT… take a few minutes to assess. As Cristi said, no motivation to shower can be a sign of depression returning. (Is for me.) So, what are *your* signs? Are there any others besides this? If so, then please, please follow up with a professional. If not, then whatever. All good. You're normal. Hell, stay in the same clothes, too. Normal people do that. I swear they do. 🙂
This is me, too. With K's death by suicide (due to ppd), I fell into a deep depression. I tried keeping up with my gym schedule but I felt like an imposter. I went down to the lowest weights possible, did the very least I could do in the classes until I finally just stopped going altogether. It's been more than a year now and I'm finally starting to get my mental health back in order but I'm still struggling to get back to the gym routine. It seems so hard. And maybe even almost like a trigger – like I might lose myself in depression again if I go back. It probably doesn't make much sense. I just spend so much time feeling guilty about not going but at the same time, unable to actually make myself go!
Yep, same here. I'm totally locked in an emotional eating/no exercise cycle. I'm going to have to kick my own butt.
I could have written this myself. I gained 50 pounds during pregnancy, lost 30 in the hospital, and then when PPD hit I gained it all back. I was 200 at my heaviest. I had a good time period where I was able to lose 20 pounds, but anything after that has been stalled. I'm an emotional eater, and still struggle with depression and anxiety. It's a never ending roller coaster, and it sucks because I know I'm not healthy. I just cant seem to get off the emotional roller coaster long enough to reap the rewards of weight loss. 🙁
Yep, to all of it! I only ended up gaining 18 lbs. while pregnant, due to the fact that I barely ate for the last 3 months of my pregnancy. I came down with severe and sudden antenatal anxiety and depression. Know that now of course, not then. So, after I had my daughter I was the thinnest I had been in a long time. Towards the end of the pregnancy, I was losing 4 lbs. a week and a complete wreck. Any extra weight I was carrying was all baby. In came the medication switch to Remeron, because I did go right into PPD and what I was on was not helping much. And on came 40+ lbs.! And quickly! I was the heaviest I had ever been in my life and miserable about that on top of struggling with PPD. I have a handful of photos of me and my daughter together and she is now 2.5. It makes me so sad and I have vowed to do something about that. I've lost 30lbs., but it has taken a LONG time. Nothing like how quickly I could lose weight prior to having a baby. I have been off of Remeron for over a year. I couldn't lose a lb. while on it. So frustrating! I am so happy to be healthy again, although I do still struggle with anxiety and depression at times, but I could have really done without the weight gain. I also joined a gym last January and LOVE how I feel after I workout. Finding the time to get there is the challenging part. Oh, and yes to the emotional eating. Grrr. I'm not throwing in the towel yet. Hang in there ladies! I know how awful it is to feel badly about your body. I've struggled my whole life.
YES… this is totally me. I lost all (and more than) the baby weight during the worst of my PPD/A/OCD period this time last year — and have since gained all of it (and then some) back again. I know that some of it is due to medication, but most of it is because of emotional eating and the fact that I'm home with my daughter and basically snack all day long and haven't been working out. I have a gym membership and just haven't been going because of lack of time, daycare, and other excuses. Hoping to make a change after the holidays because I know if I lose the weight I'll feel SO much better about myself… 🙂
Yup. Yup. Yup. Never weighed more in my life. Thanks to major depression (the "regular" kind) episode followed by 2 pregnancies within 2 years. Got pregnant again so fast that the PPD/A from 1st baby hadn't resolved. Had to drastically lower meds during pregnancy. Got hit just as hard, if not harder with PPD/A after #2. He's 14 months old now. Weigh 5lb more than what I did the day I delivered him. Oh yeah, and my thyroid's all a mess, too.
BUT… got a coupon in the mail for wicked (I'm from New England, don't mine me!)…wicked good deal on professional photos. Wanted to have one done of the boys. Then told my hubby that I wanted ALL of us in it. Yup, fattie me and my WW-attending, most he's ever weighed in his life too Husband. This is who we are right now. My children deserve to have photo memories of all of us together. (Something my mom didn't do often b/c of her own weight issues.) Anyway, we are all going to be in that photo and I'm gonna hang the dang thing on the wall (10X13, baby!) AND give the other prints to the fam.
First step to losing weight and changing lifestyle (eating, exercise, etc.)…… gotta love who you ARE first. So, I'm going to try like hell to LOVE this 255lb body. It may wear size 18-20 clothes, but it houses and AMAZING woman and mother inside of it.
I'm turning 42 this Saturday and ever since I turned 40 my weight has gone out of control, at least as far as what it was normally for the 20 years prior. It's driving me nuts. I can't stand to walk into my closet since 70 percent of what's in there I can't wear. This is such a timely post. Whether it's post-baby weight, weight from medication, weight from perimenopause or whatever else, it can be such an upsetting thing for women. I'm trying to not hate myself and to realize that at some point I'm going to figure this out. Or accept it. Or something. 😉
I relate so much that I don't know what exactly to say. I have had depression, OCD and eating disorders. They are not mutually exclusive. And even now when I feel unmotivated or angry, my first thought is "Oh my God is this depression again?" My weight is a constant thought. Not the way it once ruled my thoughts AND my actions, but I do think too much of it. I have made progress though and this is what it looks like… Good luck to you.
I can't tell you what a relief it is to read this post. I'm struggling with weight gain (at 7 months postpartum, I weigh the same as I did when I left the hospital with the new baby). I breastfed for four months and stayed pretty active with two kids. But the pounds didn't budge. I'm also on Zoloft for the first time, and I'm a big-time emotional eater, so I think those are the culprits. I have no motivation to exercise, even though I know it's the answer (not cutting back on my meds, which is what I've been considering). The more I gain, the worse I feel and the more I eat. And so on. Thank you for writing this. It's so comforting not to feel alone in this struggle.
I just found your blog and I know it’s a few years old now but I’m so glad I’m not alone with this. I only gained 23 lbs total in my pregnancy and once I had my little one, I dropped 30lbs immediately. But, 6 weeks later and already a few pounds more, I was diagnosed with PPD and put on meds. They’ve now double my dosage and I’ve gain 10 more pounds. How did you get control of this?
U really hit me. I had my daughter a year ago in two days and im at my highest weight and its effecting everything in my life. I dont have health insurance and just became unemployed. At this point something has to give and i know it all starts with better health. Just dont have the right mind set or access to help. ~ash