I remember each part of my postpartum OCD clearly. It began one night as I was nursing my son, Easton. I was home alone with the kids because my husband travels for work. I was looking at him and this random thought popped into my head– “What if I smothered him?” I was instantly crippled by what I now know was intense anxiety, not part of my character.
In the month that followed, my postpartum OCD became out of control.
I was constantly on guard, needing to check and recheck my thoughts to make sure that I was not dangerous. It consumed me. I couldn’t eat, I had no appetite. I couldn’t sleep, my thoughts were constantly racing. Then one morning, a new thought came. “What if I hurt both of my boys and no one was around to save them?” This thought scared me so much that I wouldn’t stay at my house alone with them anymore. I stayed on my dad’s couch for two weeks. I stared at the kids all night to make sure they were still safe. I felt like I had to constantly check myself to make sure I didn’t go crazy. I believed I had to stay alert at all times and if I thought I was going to hurt my children, I would go get my dad to save them.
It was all-consuming.
My friends and neighbors noticed something was wrong. I couldn’t go to social gatherings because all I wanted to do was cry. I cried all the time. Every day. I endlessly went through different “what if” scenarios in my head, terrorizing myself to no end. I remembered every Dateline episode I had ever seen and I was scared of becoming each of those evil people.
It is a special kind of hell to not be able to stop racing thoughts that completely contradict who you fundamentally believe yourself to be.
One night, I was putting my son Brayden to bed and thought, “At least I’m not one of those people who is attracted to their kids.” Guess what happened after that thought? That’s right, I was now fearful of becoming a pedophile. That is how quickly my thoughts would terrorize me. It was as if the mere fact that I was capable of having a thought suddenly meant that it could become a reality. This was endless.
By this time I had a therapist, but that wasn’t enough. Because of the grace of neighborhood friends who were able to care for my children, I ended up going to an outpatient program for new mothers with perinatal mood disorders and got on medication.
The medication caused my anxiety to lower, which in turn eased the thoughts. In therapy, I learned that anxiety takes what you care about most and puts it in the worst case scenario. What I care about most in the world is my boys, and them getting hurt in any way is my worst case scenario. This is by far the most crippling thing that has ever happened to me and it is nearly impossible for me to paint an accurate word picture that correctly illustrates how hard this has been.
Once I began to feel better, I began to do crafts and DIY projects, and I started to fully rely on help from my friends. I started by painting a table and chairs. Every new project meant something to me. If I could make it through just one more craft, we would be okay. I’m able to use my mind and creativeness to create beautiful projects instead of using my mind to scare myself. These are skills that came through time, medication and therapy. Today I am able to steer my thoughts from the worst, to gratitude for friends who have come along side me, to support my family. In the darkest moments, I would not have believed I would be working my way through to another side, but I am.
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I’m Chelsea Elker, a stay at home mother of two who has been fighting postpartum OCD for 8 months. I’ve begun documenting my journey through OCD as well as the crafts that keep my mind occupied on my blog delicatechange.blogspot.com. I feel that sharing my story not only helps others who may face the same obstacles, but also loosens the hold that the OCD has on me. I look forward to completely conquering postpartum OCD and being able to fully enjoy my family and motherhood.
Damn if I didn’t think I wrote this myself! On the other side of this for the most part but the thoughts are always still there…just in the background and not the “main feature”. Hang in there mama!
Chelsea….I’ve so been there. You will get better! One day those intrusive thoughts will just be a memory. In the meantime, keep taking good care of yourself. Thanks for sharing. Every story helps us all heal. Love, Deborah
Thank you so much for sharing. I know exactly what you are going through. You describe it so well & I too feel it is hard to put into words. I am on meds & in therapy so the thoughts have less of a grip on me but still there at times. It is the worst thing I have ever been through. It is pure hell to say the least. You are not alone! Xoxo
Thank you so very much for this post. I am actually dealing with this right now. I am 1 year postpartum and have been having anxiety since day one but at 6 months postpartum is when the horrible intrusive thoughts of harming my boys(6 years old & 1 year old) started coming. I was doing okay but now at 1 year and 3 months on a medication I am going backwards. Its very scary and makes me question who I reall am as a person. I am soo afraid that I may snap. It must be the OCD playing tricks on me. But I pray this will pass soon! I am so thankful for posts like this, they make me realize I am not alone and I couldnt be more relieved.
Thank you for sharing your story! I had the exact same experience with anxiety and PPOCD. I have a daughter and my thoughts started out the same way as yours. Then, after reading a story in the media, I also began having IT’s about pedophilia. PPOCD is exhausting. The constant checking, the constant feeling unsafe in your own mind and body. It’s been 3 1/2 years and I just weaned off of meds and am trying to conceive again. Something I never thought I’d even imagine doing! The intrusive thoughts still pop in from time to time, but I am no longer at their mercy or afraid of them. The trick for me was to stop believing the thoughts as being a part of the real me. Once I stopped being afraid, they started to fade away. I still remember the trauma they caused though, and my constant checking of my mental sanity is still a daily thing for me. Breathing techniques and meditation, along with positive mantras/affirmations really help when I feel that anxiety buzzing through me (and I still do from time to time). Best wishes to you and your family. You are so very brave for sharing your story! These truths are so personal and extremely hard to confess, but by doing so, you are helping the mamas in the trenches with this who are most likely way too afraid to talk right now. I remember searching tirelessly to find answers, other stories like mine. I felt so alone and like I should be locked away forever. Even other moms with PPD didn’t seem to have the kind of intrusive thoughts I was having and that made me even more terrified of myself and depressed. I actually envied their depression over my having been dealt the PPOCD card. At first, I didn’t even realize I was experiencing a PPMD because I wasn’t in bed crying all the time. To the outside world, I looked well-kept and had a smile on my face. I waited way too long to get help & to tell my husband, and therefore my symptoms grew darker and became more relentless. When I finally did make an appointment, I was afraid to tell my therapist about my thoughts. My husband, who knew, begged me not to tell her for fear of what might happen. But I was so scared and loved my daughter so much that I decided to tell her everything, that was the only sure way to protect her even if it meant she’d be taken away from me. To my surprise, my daughter wasn’t taken away and I was told that I had a severe anxiety disorder. I got a script and was packing my baby up in the car seat an hour later with the biggest feeling of hope & relief for the first time in a long time. She explained to me that the fact that I was horrified by my own thoughts was a clear indication that I was not psychotic and extremely not likely to pursue any harm. Quite the opposite actually. After medication, therapy, reading up on the illness, finding this website, joining FB PPMD support groups, and time I got better and so can other mamas dealing with this cruel disorder. To any mamas reading this that are still in those trenches, you are not alone, you are a good mother, this too shall pass, and you will get better! I am living proof! Hang in there and don’t be afraid to get help! My deepest compassion for all of you <3
2023 and I’m currently going through this 🙁
II startedhaving intrusive thouhgts when my 4th baby turned 5 months old, she is now 7 months.I am on a low dose of ciprilex and it seems to be helping a little bit, but I too am terrified of any scary news on tv. This is the worst experience I have ever been through in my life to go from the happiest mom of 4, living the life of my dreams to invasive thoughts that cause me to not eat, sleep or enjoy my children, I just want the old me back! I wish someone could give us all an absolute cure, this is so heartbreaking!!
This is EXACTLY what has been happening to me. I didn’t want to tell anyone about the thoughts because I was scared that everyone would think that I would act on them. For me, it is every time I have something that could be used as a weapon against my son, POOF I have an intrusive thought pop into my head. I’ve been talking to my therapist, and I realized that in a really crazy way, my mind is telling me to be careful when handling dangerous things when my baby is under my care (scissors, hot water, etc.). Instead of reacting to them with horror and dread, I started talking back to them as if they were a little child that doesn’t know that things are dangerous for little babies. For example, if I’m preparing dinner and I’m cutting vegetables, and I have an intrusive thought I’ll say to myself, “I have to be careful when I’m handling sharp things because they can be dangerous.” I feel like I have to rewire my thoughts by reminding myself of who I really am, and the choices that are safe. So far, it has been helping. I still have thoughts, but they no longer frighten me as much.
Im almost eighteen months postpartum and much better. I still getthe thoughts, but they are not in control anymore. Reading this story and the comments took my breath away. Its great to be able to put our stories out there. It helps so many of us. The only words that come to mind when dealing with this is pure hell. Hang in there mammas!
Oh my gosh! This is me! And then when I don’t feel scared enough I get worried that I’m going to do the things since I’m not broken in fear! And then when my Zoloft starts working and I feel “out of body ” I get worried that’s me wanting to do it and that I’m loosing my mind. This is the worst thing I have ever gone through!
Heather, how can a person tell the difference between psychosis and depression/ocd/anxiety. Thanks!
Hi Becky,
I wish there was a simple explanation. It’s best to talk it over with a professional that specializes in postpartum mood disorders. Here is a post that may help to get you started – http://postpartumprogress.com/the-symptoms-of-postpartum-psychosis-in-plain-mama-english
Let me know if you have more questions. – Heather
Omg!! This was me! Practically word for word, this was my existence! Thank heavens for supportive family & friends to pull us from the brink. Thank you for sharing your story Chelsea!!!
I know this is an old post but I had to comment anyway! Wow, wow, wow!! So glad to hear I’m not crazy, or at least not alone in my craziness lol. I haven’t had the thoughts quite so severe but this post really hit home anyway! Thanks so much for taking the time to share and helping other momma’s like myself 🙂 (and fyi – I have 3 kids and our oldest 2 are both boys and have the same names as your boys!! Easton and Braden. My Braden has a different spelling but still!)
Thank you for sharing. Im currently going through the same thing. In curious what medication worked for you?
I just wanted to say a little update: I’ve been symptom free from ocd for about a year and a half…when I wrote this I was still struggling a little. I’ve had another baby since then, and couldn’t be happier : )….ocd IS treatable and DOES get better. I want to encourage anyone who need to talk to fb message me, I’m always willing to listen or share more of my story!