I struggled with undiagnosed antenatal depression and antenatal anxiety. I felt like such a fraud. My husband and I had planned for this baby. I should have been overjoyed and glowing. Instead I walked around in a fog of self-hatred, irritability, and unrelenting worry. My internal monologue consisted of, “I should be happy, dammit!” Why couldn’t I enjoy this pregnancy? It was my final pregnancy, and we were giving our nearly three-year old daughter a sibling. Where was my pregnancy glow? Why did I feel like all I did was complain, vent and whine?
Why couldn’t I relax? I felt so much pressure to get my oldest potty trained before the new baby arrived. I felt like all loose ends needed to be tied up. I had to finish my toddler’s baby book before the new baby arrived. I had to make sure I was exercising daily. I had to maintain a tight control on my blood sugar. I had gestational diabetes with my first pregnancy, so I spent my final pregnancy watching my food intake. Every time I heard a comment about “eating for two”, I wanted to rage. I did not have that luxury of eating whatever I wanted. The meal plan made me miserable. If my numbers weren’t within the expected range, I immediately panicked. I was terrified that my daughter would struggle with complications from my gestational diabetes. Not even the ultrasound showing a healthy twenty week baby girl diminished those fears. I felt like I had no right to complain or worry. I knew what to expect. I needed to just suck it up and deal with it.
Like postpartum depression, antenatal depression looks different for each mama. My lovely friend Susan describes her antenatal depression like this. “I just remember feeling a crushing weight and numbness. I wanted to not be pregnant anymore and had thoughts of throwing myself down the stairs. That’s what sent me to a perinatal psychiatrist. All my joy left like I was in a vacuum – and I was suddenly convinced a new baby was the end of everything as I knew it.”
My experience of antenatal depression differed from Susan’s. My depression manifested itself in extreme irritability, bordering on rage. I had no patience for anything – traffic, my husband, my daughter, my parents and my sister, my friends, and my co-workers. One of the triggers for my rage was my daughter’s refusal to take naps on the weekends. I could barely control my reaction. I would yell and scream at my husband. I would need to leave the house to give myself an adult timeout. I still cringe when I remember an epic tantrum that occurred during my seventh month of pregnancy. I was at a concert at an outdoor venue. I cut in front of everyone waiting in line for the bathroom and for water, simply because I was pregnant. I was rude to everyone that day. I took out my rage on anyone in my path. This irritability and rage manifested itself in full-blown postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety after my youngest was born. I wish I had recognized these signs sooner. I could have treated this during my pregnancy when my initial struggle began.
Antenatal depression and antenatal anxiety are not as widely known as the other perinatal mood disorders. We do moms a disservice when we fail to screen for depression and anxiety during pregnancy. We need to focus on both the needs of the mother and the needs of the baby. Mothers are vulnerable during both pregnancy and the postpartum period. Ask the pregnant mom how she is doing and really listen. I read this amazing piece that Andrew Solomon wrote regarding depression in pregnancy. Thank you Andrew for speaking up for both the mothers and the babies. If you are feeling fragile, do not read Andrew’s piece.
Jen – thanks for shining some more light on this perinatal mood disorder. I suffered from prenatal anxiety and depression as well, despite very much wanting, trying and praying for my baby. It was a terribly difficult time, and I blogged about my experience as well. I think it’s important to spread awareness of this, since many people don’t know that the same hormonal fluctuations that cause postpartum depression and anxiety can do so during pregnancy as well.
Thank you Stephanie. I am so glad that this resonated with you. Huge hugs for making it through. Blogging was and still is a very cathartic experience for me. We will keep writing and raising awareness until everyone realizes what the signs are.
I’ve been fighting depression in every way possible since I was 7… But when I got pregnant, it tripled. I’m hating myself, my family, and even my husband. It’s so crippling and I’m too embarrassed to admit it to anybody except my husband and I know I need to tell my doctor at least but it’s instinctual for me to act like everything is perfect and fine around everyone while I’m scared that I might kill myself
Rebecca, Please reach out to your doctor. There is truly no reason to fight this alone. It is too much of a risk. Your family needs you. Now is the time. I’m so glad you reached out here, and I hope that you will do the same by making that call. It takes courage, but this is common nad there is no shame in it. It’s an illness, as you well know. You are not alone!
Rebecca, you are not alone.. I feel you. I think our hormones may be in control, & not allowing us to see clearly. I am extremely detached right now- 7 weeks to go & feeling a whole lot of nothing but fear & despair. I’ve struggled with depression for all my life as well. Supposedly, we need darkness to appreciate the light. I hope that you hold on for your children, I know I have to..
I had no idea antenatal depression was a thing! I’ve just been blaming my recent feelings and behavior on hormones! Could I be experiencing this depression?
I have been so angry at the world lately.. I am 9 weeks pregnant. Before we were pregnant we tried for 6 months..I was very happy at the time and was ecstatic when I found out I was pregnant! Shortly after my mood began to change. I no longer feel the love for my husband.. I worry about how things will be after after the baby comes. (This is my 2nd.. I did not experience this with my 1st.) I am constantly angry all the time! I wish that I could take it all back and not be pregnant anymore..I even thought if I miscarry I’m going to leave my husband! I am in love with him.. this shouldn’t be normal..it doesn’t seem normal. He is such a sweetheart and doesn’t deserve all this hatred! He bought me flowers and it just annoyed me! I don’t want to look at him..I don’t want him to touch me..I haven’t slept in bed in over 2 weeks! I wake up angry and I go to sleep angry.I am NEVER happy..I never smile anymore!.. I’m not nice to anyone around me. I wish that I could just be left alone 24-7. I am isolating myself..
This just seems a little extreme to be hormones… could I be experiencing antenatal depression? Should I bring this up to my doctor? If so.. My gyne or my PCP?
Thank u for posting this.. I am grateful to have come across it.
Hello there. Yes, please bring it up to your doctor. No need to suffer and wonder if it’s normal, while it gets worse, you know?
You can talk to either of your docs. Whomever you feel most comfortable with, okay? I’m sending you peace and reminding you that you are amazing, insightful, wise and courageous!
Thank you SO much for your help Heather. You’re truly a blessing!
Antenatal depression is real and less known/understood than postnatal depression. While pregnant I had terrible anxiety that just washed over me. I was scared that there was something wrong with the baby although I was told over and over everything was fine. I couldn’t relax, I didn’t want a baby shower and I wished I wasn’t pregnant. I was sad and anxious all the time. I felt ashamed and frightened and knew people were becoming impatient. I couldnt understand what was happening. Upon delivery I could literally feel the anxiety lift.
I am so grateful for you sharing your story! I am currently pregnant for the first time, and since the beginning of my pregnancy I began experiencing panic attacks. I just finished nursing school, took my boards, and got a job which I thought would relieve some of my anxiety, but now I just feel like I am completely consumed with the fear that something is wrong with my baby even though every doctor visit and my 20 week scan show he is doing very well. Then, I feel guilty for the stress I am putting on my husband with my constant worrying. It is just nice know that I am not alone and that others have gone through similar experiences!