Right before I went on maternity leave, a colleague asked me a very pointed question: “How do you think you’re going to find having a baby?” She was referring – and not especially subtly either – to my tendency to be a control freak.
I thought I had hid that tendency well, or at least at work, anyway. But she had me pegged and while I was willing to admit she was right, I didn’t see how it related to my impending motherhood.
Little did I know.
I think being a control freak is one of the things that made my experience so difficult. I don’t know if it necessarily caused my postpartum depression, but it certainly didn’t help it. My feelings of rage were at their worst when things didn’t go as planned – when I had difficulty feeding him, when things conspired against me as I was trying to get out of the house for a much-needed play date, or, worst of all, when he didn’t nap.
I don’t know why I thought I could control those things. Maybe because I had the theory down: steam food, puree it, feed it to small child on a spoon. Simple, right? Except no one told me he’d like peaches one day and spit them at me the next.
Getting a baby out of the house should be simple. In theory. Fill the diaper bag with necessary supplies, make sure you’re both dressed (how good either of you looks is not important), buckle him into the bucket seat, and plunk the bucket seat into its base in the car.
I can hear you laughing.
Don’t get too carried away, though. I know you’ve been right there with me with the napping thing. It doesn’t matter what you do – sometimes you just CANNOT get a baby to nap. Why didn’t anyone tell me that?
Or maybe that’s the issue. Maybe it’s not a control freak thing. Maybe it’s just that we don’t know enough about what to expect when we become parents. There are endless baby books with almost equally endless philosophies about how to feed them/care for them/get them to sleep. But underlying all that advice is one common thread: being a parent is REALLY hard.
I think we need to talk about that more. Not to freak out glowingly-pregnant women and their gonna-be-a-great dad husbands (or partners or whatever), but to be more realistic about what it’s like, what to expect, and how to cope with the hard stuff.
Or maybe it’s not that simple. Maybe motherhood is just one of those things you really can’t understand until you get there. Maybe all the warnings and advice and honesty just won’t make a difference.
I don’t know. All I know is that 3 ½ years in I’m still not in control.
What do you think?
Robin Farr
~ Robin Farr, Farewell Stranger
I am definitely a control freak. I really like things to be predictable -I don't think that caused my PPD, but it certainly doesn't help. Babies are rarely predictable!
Yep, I know what you mean. I feel the same!
Robin, you commented on my blog (or was it FB?) when Kieran was tiny about how it's astounding that in all the Baby Care Classes we dutifully/gleefully/happily take when we're pregnant that NOBODY brings up ways to get a baby to actually sleep….. or even mentions the fact that no matter what we do, sometimes said wee one JUST.WON'T.SLEEP.
I think it maybe has something to do with the fact that when we're happy and pregnant (especially with our first) that we don't want to (and possibly *can't*) hear that. OF COURSE we'll know how to get our baby to sleep. That's why we're taking this class and reading all these books – so we can become experts on this whole parenting thing.
But you're totally right. I see it as a mitzvah to soon-to-be parents to be a little more realistic when talking about the infant stages of having a kid. Not to scare them at all, but just to start that little spark of something that says "This is gonna get hard sometimes. Harder than you think. And THAT'S OK. Whatever you're doing, you're DOING FINE."
And we all know that for the most part, it won't help. When I was in the depths of my BF troubles, there was absolutely no telling me that I wasn't the worst failure of a mother in the world because I couldn't make enough milk for my son and couldn't get him to latch on worth a damn. But eventually, being told again and again and again that I was OK, my son was OK, and that I was doing a fine job started to sink in. (Hearing from the lactation consultant *in a whisper* that "formula isn't poison" helped a great deal too.)
If I can be a tiny part of that light that eventually brightens up the dark post-partum days for a new-mama friend, I'm happy to be the bearer of somewhat-less-than-glad tidings.
That's what I love about you, Sarah. You have so much love and yet you're realistic and always willing to be supportive.
I think you've hit a big nail on the head that our expectations and lack of control contribute to how we feel as parents. Even those without medical PPD can have difficulty being out of control. We really need to try and cut ourselves some slack. xo
I am an extreme control freak. I dont think its caused my PPD but like you said…it doesnt help. Cristi is so right…we really need to cut ourselves some slack
This is my first time on this blog and can't believe what a relief reading this is. I'm 8 weeks post-partum, and was just today told I likely have PPD by my doctor. This, after finally begging my partner to get me some real help this morning and that its not just sleep deprivation, its more; like I've been trying to tell him for two weeks now. This, after yet another night of no sleep where my baby has suddenly started waking up every hour after having slept peacefully for weeks, and this, after another morning episode where I completely lost my mind after knocking something off the bathroom counter into the toilet. Last week it was spilling coffee grounds in the kitchen; all just little things, but all making me feel like I'm spiralling out of control.
I have always been a control freak and I believe not being able to keep on top of everything (especially the basic stuff like laundry and having a well-cooked meal – I used to love spending my time cooking) has been a major factor in my depression. I find myself making checklists in my head of all that needs to get done, and if everything isn't checked off by the end of the day, I begin to feel out of control and depressed. And waking up to yesterday's unfinished "duties" feels like more than I can handle, especially after so little sleep.
Does this sound familiar to anyone? What have people done to get help?
That was me! Total control at all times lists of things to be done I could do it all I was supermom after all! It took a year of therapy, medication and a support group of women just like me twice a month that I still attend two years later. I had to learn that supermom was an unrealistic goal for myself. If the check list didn't get done I has to be ok about it I also has to learn the words help me please and allow the help and be ok with it not being done my way hard for a control freak and it is a struggle everyday but I am better for it and so is my family find someone to talk to about it keeping it in makes it worse and harder to deal
Hi Emily,
The first thing I learned to do was to lower my expectations of myself. We are not able to perform at the same level we did before we became a mother. This is a huge and hard pill to swallow. My saving Grace was a support group in my town. Here I learned to be kind to myself and take care of myself first and foremost so that I could stay on the road to recovery and reach that place I wanted to be. It is not an easy road, and having women around me experiencing the same things made me feel less alone.
The saying "Expectations will kill you" is not far from the truth. My son is turning two in two days and I am still resisting some of the changes in my life. I don't know how old you are, but I am 41, having an IVF baby after 8 years of trying.
Ending up with PPMD for me, as statistics say, was higher because getting pregnant didn't come naturally for me, and yes, I had such a wonderful view of having a baby for Christmas. I am still struggling with the mess of balancing housework (which I hate now) and cooking (which I once enjoyed). I feel like a short order cook on an assembly line, rather than a chef preparing great meals for my family. LOL!!!
A tip: Make your list smaller! Lists are enough to push us to run to the closet and hide for the rest of our lives! Put three things on your list..practice baby-steps…and each time you complete a task, praise yourself for getting it done. We are not super-human!
My passion was to get this message and others across, especially the message that being a mom doesn't mean we do it alone. It just doesn't make sense.
Check out my blog for PPMD: ittakesavillage4.blogspot.com
Feel free to email me if you want to chat. I am here.
With healing thoughts,
Lisa
Thank you for sharing this story. This was definitely my experience too. I thought I should be able to control everything and I thought that I HAD to in order to be a good mom. And I agree, we absolutely need to be having this conversation so that others who feel this way don't feel so alone. Thank you for helping get the word out by sharing your story.
Robin,
Great posting! I'm so with you on how difficult seemingly easy tasks can be when you are overwhelmed, depressed, anxious, etc. Two major points here:
1. Many in the medical community — whether it's mental health or maternal health — agree that unrealistic expectations of labor/delivery, breastfeeding, motherhood in general combined with a Type A, perfectionist, controlling personality can definitely contribute to postpartum issues. In fact, at a recent conference on Maternal Mental Health, several OBs noted that they "red flag" charts of patients who have explicit birth plans because this is a sign that these moms fall into this category of high expectations.
2. They problem is that virtually no first-time expectant parent can see beyond delivery. The entire pregnancy is focused on the baby and getting to delivery; there is very little discussion about becoming a parent, caring for baby, etc. It's akin to focusing on the wedding instead of the marriage.
This is the problem. How do you talk with expectant parents so they understand the potential pitfalls without deflating their excitement and enthusiasm for their baby? I've spoken to several groups of expectant moms and they simply CANNOT see past delivery.
Any ideas?
Yes to so many things you wrote. Yes, I'm definitely a control freak, and I believe that did contribute to my PPD.
Yes, we need to talk about it more. Moms would tell me how hard it was, but always in vague terms. I think it would have helped to have some specifics. I've been trying to give some of my friends more of a reality check when it comes to parenthood…I think some of them think I must hate being a mom, but I don't. I just want them to have a realistic picture of how hard it really is. Which brings me to my next point.
Yes, parents really won't understand until they've been there. Although I still think we need to be more honest and open about the struggles, I know that at least with one of my friends, I was brutally honest with her about how much crying I did, and then she still asked me 6 weeks postpartum, "How come no one told me how hard it would be?" I was like, "Excuse me! Were you even listening when I told you about how I cried around the clock when I first had my child?" And then she was like, "Oh yeah, I guess you did." Maybe it's better for expectant moms to be in the dark so they can at least enjoy the excitement of expecting instead of just fearing how bad it can be. 🙂
I absolutely agree with that. Most of us "control freaks" have very high standards for ourselves and others and when they are not me, we either get extremely angry or feel like we are worthless because we (or they) don't measure up.
That's how it was for me, at least.
Now that I have four boys…and am completely in over my head, I have BEGUN to lower my expectations. I still have bad days but in general I try to let go of the things that don't REALLY matter.
I'm so glad I found this blog and this post. I didn't know I was such a perfectionist or control freak until I had kids, especially when I had my second child. I never was diagnosed with PPD, but I moved across the country shortly after the birth of my second baby so maybe it got overlooked. I'm finally trying to take steps to help myself and what you have posted and all these comments hits me so close to home! My baby is now almost 16 months old, and I still cry all the time, flip out over little tiny things and feel like the worst mother in the world half the time. So I think, it can't be PPD, right? That only last for 6 months at the most? Anyway, I appreciate all your honesty and openness. I agree that I would like to hear more moms talk about how hard parenting is (along with the parts they love about it, of course).