Dear New Mom,

“Sometimes, reaching out and taking someone’s hand is the beginning of a journey. At other times, it is allowing another to take yours.” ~Vera Nazarian

One of the most misunderstood parts of motherhood is the emotional roller-coaster you’re on right after giving birth. Everyone expects you to be settling in blissfully while staring doe-eyed at your bundle of joy.

But having a baby is both amazingly fantastic and ridiculously exhausting. And pregnancy and childbirth are a gigantic physical and hormonal undertaking, and you may or may not have a difficult time adjusting to life afterward.  There is no set biological pattern for hormones during pregnancy and immediately following childbirth, there is no cycle.  That alone makes stability a challenge.  Add in the torturous levels of sleep deprivation that can come with being up every two hours every night for 30 or 40 minutes for feeding and diaper changes each time, and you are absolutely NOT yourself for a while. Sometimes your brain chemistry suffers with that disruption of proper serotonin levels, and it’s even possible for the levels to not return to normal.

Negative emotions during what is “supposed to be” a wonderful post-birth haze can be confusing for both the mom and those around her as well. Many women think there must me something wrong with them, assuming they “should” feel happy. More often than not, feelings of guilt, shame, and the need to put up a facade prevent women from reaching out to tell anyone how they really feel.

Good emotional health during pregnancy and your baby’s infancy is incredibly important. It’s brave to reach out. It’s smart to reach out, if you feel negative emotions like these:

It’s possible that you might have symptoms of postpartum depression like long episodes of crying, and if you do, it’s more obvious to people that you’re dealing with depression.

But what if that’s not your experience? What if it’s hypersensitivity and irritability (or even rage), triggered by really minor stuff, instead of tears? What if your symptoms of postpartum depression are intrusive thoughts about doing harm to yourself or your baby?  What if you live in constant debilitating fear of something bad happening to your baby?

What if, rather than feeling a lack of emotion toward your baby—like the books say often happens with PPD—you experience feelings of distance from your spouse and your other children?

My experience with postpartum depression looked very much like what I just described. I felt guilty for my lack of emotion toward the rest of my family and ashamed of my thoughts and of the fact that I couldn’t consistently keep up with the house and food and laundry and still parent my kids. My irritability and rage made my husband withdraw and I felt incredibly alone, overwhelmed and confused, unable to confide in anyone.

I went undiagnosed with postpartum depression for several years, because I went into survival mode and put up a facade out of fear and shame. Eventually, I became aware of my behavior and as a mother and out of a sense of duty to my children, I reached out for help.

My family doctor prescribed an antidepressant. It alleviated my symptoms,  but it didn’t help me understand my particular experience with postpartum depression or gain any sense that it was a common occurrence. I never sought counseling, or told anyone else how I was feeling. I only did part of the job in taking responsibility for getting better.

Upon joining Twitter, I came across a community of women who used the hashtag #ppdchat in their tweets to one another. During a weekly scheduled Twitter chat using the hashtag #ppdchat, I asked if my “strange” symptoms of rage, irritability, and distance from my family were valid PPD symptoms.

You can’t imagine the relief that swept over me that day as I learned that my feelings were common. I felt an incredible sense of community with the women I was talking to on Twitter. Having never spoken out loud some of the darkest things I had thought or felt because I didn’t think people would understand, I was suddenly surrounded with validation and support.

Reaching out and trusting a friend, or a counselor, or finding a group of women who are/have struggled with Postpartum Mood Disorders (PPMDs) can be crucial for you to not feel alone. I’ve spent time responding and conversing with moms who reach out with a need to connect to someone and I have also been that mom, who has reached out to the community that way. Women discuss their anxieties, feeling overwhelmed by unexplained sorrow, ask for suggestions to help cope with a co-worker or family member, who doesn’t understand and who invalidates their emotional struggles, and open up in very brave and vulnerable ways.

Surviving and healing from the effects of post partum depression is an ongoing journey. You never really forget the darkest moments you experience, and it gives you such compassion for others walking that road. The self awareness and healing that community can bring is priceless and it begins by feeling safe, and risking trust, and reaching out.

I hope that reading others’ experiences of the variety of ways PPMDs can manifest that you get a sense that there is NO SHAME in recognizing that your experience is not like the happy warm fuzzy textbook after-baby adjustment period. If your brain chemistry has been affected either by a traumatic birth experience, lack of proper hormone production, or the whirlwind of hormones not settling down quickly, it’s not a reflection on who you are. You are not weak, less than, or a bad mother because your experience doesn’t sound like everyone else’s.  You’re a strong woman.  Realizing and acting on the fact that you need others, need medication, need counseling, is a reflection of that strength. You don’t have to endure this alone. We’re here to hold your hand and listen to your story, and cheer you on.

~ Jenna

Jenna Farelyn blogs at Made More Beautiful. You can follow her on Twitter @frelle.

The 4th Annual Mother’s Day Rally for Moms’ Mental Health is presented by Postpartum Progress, a national nonprofit 501c3 that raises awareness & advocates for more and better services for women who have postpartum depression and all other mental illnesses related to pregnancy and childbirth. Please consider making a donation today, on Mother’s Day, to help us continue to spread the word and support the mental health of new mothers.