One of the most difficult aspects to my postpartum depression and anxiety were the negative comments. When someone would ask me how I could be so sad when I had a beautiful baby, my spirits would sink. My guilt would compound and I would berate myself.
But the thing is, I DID appreciate the baby I had, and I didn’t understand what was happening to me any more than the person making the comment to me. The negative assessment and careless feedback on my mental illness at the time sent me into a spiral that exacerbated my symptoms.
These negative comments—some well-meaning, some said out of frustration, others out of ignorance, and the ones we all know who have no filter—would upset me and leave me feeling judged, vulnerable, angry and in the end, I’d shut down.
It’s hard not to feel defensive when others shame you, even if that wasn’t their intent. How do we make someone understand? Should we even try? If they eventually do—or not—is not up to us. But standing up for ourselves can be an empowering act that leads to positive changes to how we handle these negative comments.
When I hear a negative comment, I begin by examining what emotion it is that is being triggered within me. Usually, I feel evaluated. I feel that I’m being seen as weak of character and “wimpy” when it comes to life. This isn’t accurate, I know, but that’s the visceral reaction that comes rising to the surface.
Other emotions that can bubble up are:
judgment
feeling of being criticized
anxiety
discouraged
depression
sad, hurt, defensive
anger
resentment
sensitivity
rumination/dwelling
adds to symptoms of distress
increase our bad mood
feeling attacked
internalize
inadequate
If we spend mental energy on caring what others think instead of nurturing ourselves back to health, we’ll fall back two spaces for every one step we move forward. I am sensitive by nature, and negative comments only intensify when I am in a period of depression. Negative social feedback increases my symptoms of depression and social anxiety.
So, how do we face negative comments? Is the answer to come back fighting?
In the past, I would stand silent and wounded. My depression holding my tongue and hearing the comments, leaving me even more voiceless. Today, I would meet these negative comments head on, without accepting the invitation to the boxing match.
Begin by telling yourself this: We are not here to gain the approval of others.
I’m in full recovery now, and can think straight. But for you, my fellow Warrior Moms, I have compiled some key responses you can keep in your back pocket. Please use them to remind yourself, that PPD AND PPA are not your choosing and none of your fault:
“I’m sure you don’t intend it that way, but your comment is making me feel worse about a situation that is already distressing to me.”
“Thank you for your input. My Doctor and I are hoping that with treatment, I’ll soon be in recovery.”
“I’m sad/anxious because I have PPD/PPA. That’s why I’m getting help.“
“I’m sure you mean well, and I appreciate your concern. I hope to feel better soon, too.”
“I’m sure it’s hard for you to understand. It is for me, too, but I’m doing my best.”
“I’d like to be open and honest with you. But right now, my mental health and recovery are my priority.”
“I really need support at this time. I’d love to explain the facts to you about postpartum depression and anxiety, so that you can understand better.”
And last, but not least, you don’t have to listen or answer. Nowhere is it required that you provide someone with information simply because they ask for it. But you can address it, and walk away.
Maybe we won’t convince some people, but we can show them a better example. They may think twice about the energy they send out into the world, and next time mindfully choose one of light and positivity. The saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all,” applies not just to children.
It’s not easy to let these comments go, and we don’t have to, but they don’t have to take us down, and we don’t have to retaliate. Lashing out in anger is easy, but depletes our energy and attention to getting better. Taking a deep breath, and breathing peace back in, is the smartest thing for us to do as we work toward our recovery.
I have the feeling that this is great advice when you’re starting to recover, but when I was down the pit of depression, there was no advice that anyone could’ve given me that would have made things better…
When i was depressive, i couldn’t help it : most of the time, the negative comments would make me angry. I remember there was a woman (#1) who was merely mentioning she was going through postpartum depression in a forum, and another woman (#2) told her she didn’t get how #1 could be depressed while taking care of a beautiful little baby. Then another woman (#3) started agreeing with #2, saying you had to be an ingrate not to be able to enjoy life when you had a little baby… I couldn’t believe how they could not only not help the person talking about her depression, but also make her feel so bad about it! I wrote to #2 and #3 to tell them “I wish you get to deal with some people that will have as little empathy as you just did”. It might have been impolite, but it felt good. I still think they deserved it, and i could’ve been even more impolite!
Oh, yes. I can’t believe how people say what they do. My hope, is to have something ready, at the lips, or written on paper, so we don’t have to feel we have to listen or accept these comments. Just a quick, “I don’t know why I feel this way, either, but I really need support at this time” would have helped me not internalize. Besides being depressed, I felt further into the well because I didn’t stand up for myself. I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing b/c I didn’t want to argue. Of course, years later, now I do. That’s what I hope to share here… the experience of my time during my PPD PPA.
Thanks for posting. Most of the time when I was in my darkest I could not even think straight enough to talk back or defend. Or even know any facts about ppd.
I hear you. I was so stunned, I couldn’t think straight to know what to say back. But if I had had something in my back pocket, when people would knock the breath out of me with “What? How can you be sad? You’ve wanted this baby all your life” at least I wouldn’t have to feel even worse. I would have said, “How can I be sad? I have no idea. That’s why I’m getting help.” I hope you’re doing better now, NIckole. It’s a long hard road… PPP is here for you.
I love this site. My youngest is two. Oldest almost 4. I had ppd with both. I’m struggling with anxiety now and saw my counselor just today. I still get this response from some close family and friends. “how can you be so stressed — you have what you wanted and don’t have to work!!!” ughhhh I sometimes say, “I know, but, I don’t know why. It’s not like I like feeling this way!” counselor suggested finding dr. Ilardi book or watch YouTube with hubby. Cuz people without any history of depression have no clue. Thanks again. Love this site. I tell all new moms about it. And I know the Pregnancy and Post Partum Resource Group of Kansas provides links and even some articles to Moms at their groups.
I love PPP too, Nickole, and hope you feel stronger through it.
Thank you for this article. I still deal with every one of these emotions. My favorite part is “And last, but not least, you don’t have to listen or answer. Nowhere is it required that you provide someone with information simply because they ask for it.” and then I suppose some self affirmations to deal with my emotions.
I was diagnosed with PPD when my second child was 6 months old. My husband works out of town for months at a time. I went to my mom’s one day and just lost it. So much so that I ended up staying at her house for 3 wks straight while she took care of my kids. I didn’t eat, drink, sleep. I cried all the time for no reason.i have never been so terrified in my life. And I will say…The negative comments were a stab to the heart. People that I thought were my friends never called or txt to check on me. And still dont. I feel I have no one to talk to. At the beginning my husband was being very compassionate and supportive. Because I didn’t “get over it” in two weeks he is frustrated. He still works on the road which means here I am 4 months later still at my mother’s house bc I am terrified to be alone in my own home with my two kids. He actually said to me that he thinks I’m in my own little world and that I’m using PPD as an excuse to not do anything. Which those comments broke my heart. I feel like I’m stuck in hell on earth! I stopped seeing a therapist only after the second visit bc I felt it wasn’t going anywhere and both times she only saw me for 20 min and then sent me out the door.
My own sister had the nerve to say to my face how her and her friend (who had just had a baby) were talking about PPD and how they think ppl who say they have it are just making it up. That’s the hardest thing for me is to hear the negative comments. ..not from strangers….but from ppl that you love and supposedly love you. It makes the depression and anxiety even worse. And leaves you with the feeling that you truly are alone and that no one understands.
Lindsey, I understand. I never felt lonelier in my life. And as for marriage, what marriage? It was just survival, minute by minute. I am here, you can email me, I’ll listen… I remember. I urge you to try again with therapy…. I tried three therapists before I found one that clicked. Don’t give up. You can get better. Medication, therapy, and a postpartum support group, either online like this one on FB through Postpartum progress or the other groups, there are many who understand. Please email me, I can include you in on our group, okay?
What is your email address? I would love to talk to other woman who understand. I actually have a friend who confessed she had PPD when she found out about mine and I thought to myself oh good…someone who understands and someone I can talk to and they won’t look at me like I’m crazy. But sadly that didn’t happen. We talked about it one time. And I haven’t seen her in 2 months.
And yes…your right…what marriage? I hate to say this but it’s the last thing on my mind that I’m worried about. I’m just trying to make it through the day!!!
Just want to say hang in there. Every mom is different. You will see the light sometime. I hope sooner than later. It is very hard being a mom. I still have issues. But, nothing like the dark days of the past. It’s like a dark cloud over us. Do the things that give you joy. Even if it’s small. Anything to get you to the next hour. Hugs
This is one of my biggest obstacles right now. I feel isolated so I reach out for help and connection. It feels like every time I put myself out there I feel judged and end up going into a horrible spin out. Since dealing with PPD I have lost one friend after opening up to her and saying that I felt invalidated by her comments and often fight the urge to just cut off everyone else. I have so much self doubt about if its me or them, is my anger justified or an overreaction because of the PPD. Right now I’m pretty exhausted from our 7 month old waking up every 3-4 hrs. I’m so tired of being asked what I am doing to take charge like I’m not trying hard enough to get her to sleep and it is one more thing that is my fault. I’ve started lying about how we are all sleeping so I can avoid the questions anymore.
Hi satya, are you getting any help professionally? It may really help to work through some of this with a therapist/counselor. I’m sorry you are feeling so alone–it’s so common to feel misunderstood and alone with this illness. Self-doubt and emotional sensitivity are a part of this illness, they are not you being weak or over-sensitive. I’m sending you peace.
Depression hurts, and negative comments can compound it 100x. On that note, it’s funny how a lot of the negative comments come from people who aren’t actually helping out at the time. Comments that I’ve found helpful: 1) “You have a lot on your plate. Would you like me to (insert chore)?” 2) “I really care about you. How are you feeling?” 3) “You’re fighting this and your kid(s) are healthy/happy. You’re doing a great job, Mama.” 4) “You’re having a rough time. You have depression, but you are NOT depression.”