I’ve known Meagan Francis virtually for a couple years now I think, but finally got to meet her in person a few months ago at the Blissdom conference. We hung out several times, and I have to say she was one of my most favorite people I met. She’s smart and witty, a happy mom, and does a mean karaoke version of Madonna’s “Papa Don’t Preach.” Her great new book, The Happiest Mom: 10 Secrets to Enjoying Motherhood, has just been published, and I’m happy to have her here today as a guest. This post from her is a great perspective for moms with postpartum depression.
I will do a random drawing of commenters to this post, and will send the winner a copy of her new book, so be sure to comment!
The year after my second son was born does not go down as a particularly happy time for me. I’m not sure if it would qualify as postpartum depression, as it was mostly situational: Isaac was a difficult, needy baby; we had moved to a third-floor apartment in an ugly Minnesota suburb — in the middle of winter; my mother had died unexpectedly when Isaac was just six weeks old, I didn’t know anyone in the area, my husband worked long hours … oh, and my major source of recreation was wandering around the local Wal-Mart with two kids.
Technically depressed or not, one thing I do know for sure is that I was miserable. I wanted desperately to be a good mom, and had huge plans for the kind of perfect, patient, loving, crafty, all-natural parent I wanted to be. But actually trying to be that perfect mom was so exhausting it was all I could do to get out of bed in the morning. Every day, I’d fail to live up to my own expectations, and the more I failed, the worse I felt, and the worse I felt, the less I felt capable of and the less energy I could muster up. By February, I was staring at my computer screen most of the day with the shades drawn and the apartment a complete pit. I remember crying almost every night that month and the next, apologizing to my two-year-old son Jacob, and promising him I’d do better the next day.
I got lucky — the weather got better, Isaac stopped crying so much, eventually I made friends and moved, and the clouds lifted. But the thing that helped me the most took me a while to gradually learn: Aim Low and Go Slow.
This was a hard lesson for me to learn. I have high standards and lofty principles. And the way to reach them, I figured, was to put my head down and trudge through whatever got in my way.
But eventually I learned something that had seemed counter-intuitive. Sometimes trying harder doesn’t actually get you where you’re going any faster. It just tires you out and makes it that much harder to rally again when you fall down. If you are already suffering from postpartum depression or a postpartum mood disorder, the last think you need is to make things even harder on yourself by setting your sights too high and then feeling deflated when you don’t meet your expectations.
Aiming low and going slow isn’t about giving up or saying “eh, whatever!” to your role as a mom. Instead, it’s about making small, incremental progress instead of trying to do everything, perfectly, right now. If your goals are manageable (today I will get out of bed and load the dishwasher … eventually) instead of pie-in-the-sky (today I will clean my entire house top to bottom, run three miles and take the baby on a two-hour shopping excursion!), you are so much more likely to reach them. And when you reach your goals, a great thing happens: you feel like a success, not a failure; which gives you a little boost of energy and lets you knock down the next little goal.
You can aim low and go slow and still reach for big dreams; it’s all about being the trusty turtle rather than the hare (who sure gets off to an impressive start, but who I always picture tripping over his own big feet and hobbling off to the sidelines.)
Another important lesson I learned during my difficult early days as a mom is to “Keep It Real.” Box up that fantasy mom you’ve been trying to mold yourself into, and instead strive to just be the best version you can be today of the mom you actually are (for me, it turns out, the mom I actually am is not particularly crafty).
Maybe you’re the mom who tells great jokes, who’s always available for a snuggle, who works hard to fund that college savings fund, who always knows the right thing to say or who always apologizes when she says the wrong thing. We can’t all do everything well, and there are a lot of ways to be a great mom. For me the path to happier motherhood required me to get in touch with who I really am, and accept her as good enough.
I know that when you’re dealing with postpartum depression or anxiety, it’s never as easy as clicking your heels together and deciding “today I’m going to be happy!” But I do know this: you deserve to be happy, mama, whatever it is you have to do to get there. Say it until you believe it, because knowing you’re worthy of a happy life is the first step toward getting there.
The mom you are is good enough. In fact, she’s just the mom your kids need. So embrace her, make her job as easy as you can, and give her a lot of understanding, encouragement, leeway and help along the way.
Meagan Francis
This is great! I had such a hard time remembering postpartum that parenting is hard work. If the baby is happy and my other kids are happy, I've learned to call that a highly successful day.
But, it's hard when the house looks exactly as bad as it did in the morning [also hard work] and someone sees it with a glint in their eye of, "lazy bum" or some other such nonsense. I've learned to validate what I do and get to what I don't do as I can. I'm a busy, hardworking mom.
Great writing!
Great reminders for me as I am about to give birth to my second son. This time I am SO aiming low…and even that, if achieved will be well above where I landed last time, especially having aimed impossibly high…
Thanks for all you do- I subscribe to your blog and am grateful for your posts!
Sounds like a great read! Plus, I can definitely relate to those ugly Minnesota winters plus baby. Not fun.
Aim Low and Go Slow!!! AWESOME! One to keep in the ole memory bank! Thanks! Kris
I am still trying to figure out who I am since my PPD issues struck. Reading inspirational story's and words help is so many ways. Thank you
This is so great! I'm constantly setting small goals for the day to make things seem more manageable.
OMG-reading this made me laugh and cry all at the same time. My 2nd son just turned l last Friday and this past year has been a struggle similar to Megan-difficult, needy baby, crying, telling my 4 year old I'll do better the next day, moving to a new place & living on the 3rd floor, and although my mother is still alive, neither her nor my other family members who live nearby offered any relief or a hand up out of the pit/gravity well I fell in this past year. It's been crazy, it's been hell, it's been hell on my relationship with my boyfriend…but thank God for well, God, (LOL) Zoloft, and finally seeking help through therapy. I just told my therapist two weeks ago I didn't enjoy motherhood and have been implementing some strategies to be more "present" and learn how to enjoy myself as a mom & my kids. Thank you so much for posting this, it's a post that came right on time for me! Even if I don't win the book, I'm still going to buy it 🙂
I could have used this book when I first had my daughter, Hannah. As your classic very successful over-achiever, I could not imagine not accomplishing everything in my day that I wanted to. But I was SOOOO tired. And there were SOOOOO much to do. I should be able to do it all. I am super mom, right?? Wrong. I am just Mom, and that's good enough.
Aim low and go slow? Sounds so simple… but it really isn't. I look forward to reading this – it sounds the perfect recipe for postpartum moms.
I've been working on my home routines with both the housework and my 21 mo son so that when this baby arrives, I'm not tempted to fall into the pit of "I have to do it all" again. I was seriously depressed after his late/difficult birth and then the period of intense colic and breastfeeding struggles. If I had been able to control one thing, I might have been ok… but I just felt like I was drowning. Today, API posted an article on resolutions for #2 and I fully intend to post them in an open space in my home. Can't wait to read this book!
I adopted my second child just over a year ago. Your post is painfully close to home. Thanks for your honesty.
I really enjoyed reading your article. It resonated with me now at 20 months, my little boy almost 2. Thanks for telling your story. Kathy
Such a good slogan to keep in mind. I have found that I can aim low and go slow with things (house chores, etc) but have so much trouble finding ways to keep that going in relationships and I think it can help to think about what it would mean to use that in relationships. For me some of the hardest parts of PPD and being in recovery from PPD is the loneliness — even when I see the parts that are self-created bc I think no one will want what I have to give friendship-wise is I can't be the full self I was prior to PPD.
Thanks so much for the post! I'm currently struggling with PPD, anxiety and OCD, and will be trying to use "aim low and slow" more. I'm trying to be easy on myself, but it is a difficult journey. And aiming low might just be making sure we all eat our meals today, myself included. Other days it is as simple as taking a shower. I've decided instead of one day at a time, I will take it one minute at a time, if need be. Thanks again for this one. It was very helpful.
Thank you for sharing your story.. It has taken me time..but you putting into words "Aim low and Go Slow" is something I try to do everyday..even though my son is now 2. I was alone when he was born..no support system, with another child battling cancer, I had no one. Things are better now..but I have to bat away the dark thoughts and my energy is still low..so I try to go easy with myself.Thank you so much for sharing your story..I think so many of us strive to be super moms…but to be a super mom.. we have to take care of our health first..thank you..and today I will be Aiming low and going slow. 🙂
Thank you so much for this. The idea of "low and slow" had never occurred to me. When you think about it that way it really does make the day seem manageable. I look forward to reading your book! 🙂
I love this post. Aim low and go slow is an excellent way to look at every day! It definitely makes for a happier mom when you feel like you've accomplished something.
This contains much wisdom!!! I keep learning this lesson…after and during recovery from PPD/PPA. But I'm realizing that I have to keep re-learning this lesson when I tackle anything that I think I need to be #1 at. Comes with the competitive/perfectionistic personality that I'm sure contributed to my PPD/PPA mess!
If only I felt enough satisfaction from being "normal" instead of overachieving, ripping my hair out, go getter that usually just leaves me stressed out. I'm getting there…
Great advice and perfectly timed. I've finally stopped aiming high by admitting I need some time to figure out the low stuff and take things more slowly, so I've taken some time off work. Would love to read your suggestions.
this looks like an excellent book. With my depression, aiming low and going slow is the perfect strategy. But even then it's sometimes hard. We as moms just want to do everything and it's not always possible. Thank you for the post.
A-freaking-men.
Yes! Thank you! I needed to read this today.
This post made me tear up! So true… we do a disservice to ourselves when we say we'll be better moms tomorrow. Let's accept ourselves now, warts and all! A great motto – aim log and go slow – I'll remember that! Thanks so much for your post.
I can't wait to read your book! I had a similar experience after the birth of my second child and only after paying closer attention to my own basic needs did I start to pull out of it. I went slow and made it through. 🙂
I'm glad someone else said wondering who you are. I went back to work six weeks after my daughter was born. Between trying to deal with a less-than-ideal job, looking for another job, taking care of her, and dealing with a husband who sometimes just doesn't get it, I feel so drained.
I'm so Type A, and it bleeds into everything. If I'm not "THE BEST" I might as well be last. Which is all sorts of messed up, I know, but sometimes that's just how my brain works.
I told someone today that I just wanted a break. Just a little one. We visited my family this past weekend, and it was so not relaxing. (Well, it was for the husband, who was at a race.) We had lunch with family, went to soccer games, shopped, went to church, and next thing I know we're in the car for eleven hours home. And then the husband got sick. So I'm just… drained.
The reminder to go slow and not aim quite so high is definitely needed. I have a couple of proverbial elephants to eat, and need to slow down.
Thank you for this post! And your AMAZING words — always!
PPD runs in my family, and being 7 months pregnant, it is definitely my biggest fear. I can't wait to read this book and start my baby steps to getting over the fear right now!
Awesome! That is really good advice. And the "get real"excerpt …….I really had to do this the second time around! Thanks for posting
The last part about embracing yourself and the mom that you are brought tears to my eyes. Why do we have to be so hard on ourselves?
Well said, Beth! I really want to read this book. 🙂
This sounds really great. I should probably read this book as I am expecting my second and not sure what to expect this time around. I love what you say about making the goal for each day manageable. That was part of what was so hard the first time, I just felt like I should be able to, make meals, keep the house clean and somehow have the where with all to look good and meet friends for lunch! Needless to say, it wasn't happenin'. None of it. And I did a lot of beating myself up about it… Thanks for this!!
I love the last paragraph. I'm going to tape it to my bathroom mirror so I can read it every time I go in there to cry. 🙂 I think it will see me through some of those hard days. Thank you!
My goal when I bring home a new baby is to get a shower each day, all else I accomplish is considered gravy!
What great advice! I just had my 2nd baby and can totally identify with this article. Thanks for the reminder.
Just what I needed to hear today! Thank you! Baby steps…baby steps.
In my PPD support group we all feel that we had this pressure to be the perfect Mom and we are all realizing that we are perfect because like you said we give out kids what they need the extra stuff is just that extra it's funny that all of us have that type of personality trait and thought that things should be a certain way and if they are not we have failed to me aim low go slow is perfect if I completed one thing for the day dishes, laundry, grocrey shopping I treated it as wow look what I did not gee I have so much more too do I can't wait to read your book
I see these other women with new babies accomplishing amazing things, so I set unrealistic goals for myself at the beginning of maternity leave – "hey, I have a year off, I can learn a new language, we can go on multiple trips, I can redecorate the house, I can become more organised, etc. etc." (None of these things happened, by the way.) I got very down a couple of months ago and realised that feeding myself properly, taking supplements, talking to husband about what I felt, going to counselling, basically taking care of my physical and emotional health were the only things I needed to be focussing on, and now I am feeling much better. (Still feel bad for not learning German though!)
Aim Low and Go Slow. It's so simple yet very effective. This one is branded into memory now, thank you!
I think you have summed up my thoughts beautifully with 'aim low and go slow'; great post.
I think I had PPD after my second baby. I had a 20 month old and newborn, and I was losing it. I really could have used this advice a year ago. I'm doing find now, and love my two kids, but being realistic and keeping it real is sooo very important. If only I"d realized it then. Thanks for the article.
this post really hit home. our baby girl was super needy, a major handful. in addition, our family went through a major crisis soon after she was born and i had to do much of her parenting solo for months- all this threw me into high-anxiety mode for weeks and weeks, and finally my psychiatrist said that i had far too many expectations, set far too high…i wish i had this book then. i still want to read it. love this line: "it turns out, the mom I actually am is not particularly crafty)." LOL. yes! thank you!
Although some of these posts are hard to read, it really helps me to know that other women have gone through similar experiences and have come out the other side more educated, empowered, and determined to share their stories with others… I would love to read this book!
Melissa,
I am in similar shoes of yours right now; same diagnosis and all. 🙂 Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I had mild ppd/anxiety after the birth of my first, and after the birth of my second I developed the above and the OCD; I've told many I would rather have cancer because at times the pain can be so overwhelming. I even say sometimes it can be one minute, but if it's any encouragement to you I am having more stretches of time where I feel like myself. Keep going!!
Thank you so much for this post – with my second child due in less than 6 weeks I need to remember to aim low and go slow!