I like this post from Amber at Beyond Postpartum, who writes about her traumatic childhood, the trauma of postpartum anxiety and how both have left her a changed person. She wonders aloud whether others have carried something with them from the experience, or have been able to move on and leave PPD behind. I relate to what Amber wrote, as I suffered childhood trauma as well. (For that story, and more resources, click here.)
I feel changed by PPOCD, but at this point primarily in a good way because I feel as though I have more sympathy for others, am more in touch with my emotionsand am less judgmental. And of course it ended up giving me my life's work, which I LOVE.
At the same time, however, I would have been just fine neverEVER knowing that your mind can do things you don't want it to do. The intrusive thoughts scared the BEJEEZUS out of me and I would prefer never having had to be that scared. I would have been MORE fine not being cheated out of a wonderful experience with my son when he was an infant. And I would be happy without the guilt I carry, even though I know I shouldn't, that every single thing that is even mildly wrong with my children is somehow my fault because of PPOCD. I'm pretty good at managing that guilt, or outright ignoring it when necessary, but it's still there, winking at me with anasty grin.
All I can do is make the choice to focus on all of the good that has come out of a heinous experience. I can't live in the guilt zone, or the angry zone, or the disappointed zone. Or I won't anyway. Or I try not to on the days when it comes sneaking in trying to derail me.
My children love me. My children are happy, healthy and free. I love them back immeasurably. I can handle the battle scars in return for that.
I feel nearly the exact same way–PPD has made me more self-aware and more sympathetic to others. I'm much less quick to judge, because I know that I'm not perfect, and neither is anyone else. It's been a really powerful learning experience.
I think talking through it and honoring the experience while at the same time stripping it of its power over you, is the healthiest road to take. Sure, I'll still shed a tear or two in especially vulnerable or tender moments but I feel generally accepting about my childhood trauma, bouts with anxiety/depression, secondary infertility and post partum adjustment disorder. These experiences have shaped me so profoundly it's hard to imagine being ME without them. A fact that leads me to ponder if anyone of us is ever really "normal." Our ability to feel, grieve and emote is what makes us human, right? Who knows what people go through that they've never labeled.
Yes, PPOCD changed me immeasurably. I'm changed down to the cellular level. My ribosomes, my subatomic particles, my essence, my very soul.
I endured what I would not wish on my worst enemy. Am I grateful? No. Have some good things come of it? Yes, absolutely. I could probably count 101 good things.
Would I do it again? Never. I went down into the acrid,breathsucking,burning pit of hell and got a boat ride back to life.
This is where I want to stay.
Thanks, Katherine, for sharing the link to my post here and most importantly for sharing your insights. I appreciate reading what you and the others who have commented shared. Being a Survivor Mama is a sisterhood…thank God for Social Media which has allowed us to find and maintain relationship with one another!
i definitely feel changed. sometimes i resent it & just want the "old me" back. but then i look at my son & i know it was all for a reason & purpose & that i will be better because of it. someday.
Hi Katherine – I enjoyed Amber's blog post. PPD changed me, but so have many other life challenges. Having a child was a defining life passage for me, in many ways. I dedicated myself to helping women and their families and becoming an advocate for children. I persisted for ten years and eventually became a licensed counselor specializing in the emotions of pregnancy and birth, but focusing on much more, marriage and family counseling as well. So, I would have to say that my experience with PPD changed me for the better, and was just one deep emotional experience in my life that shaped who I am today, along with many other deep life experiences.
So true.
Don't blame you ONE BIT. Not one.
I also thought I'd mention that how one feels about their experience may also have something to do with how long it has been since you recovered. I'm sure it's much easier for me now, since my son was born nearly 9 years ago. I can't say I would have had the same opinion I share above when I was, say, just 2 years out.
I read your post and once again I feel like I could have written the same exact words! Gosh, if I only had this resource when I was suffering I might not of felt that I was the only one in the world who felt like this. The PPOCD was the worst feeling I have ever felt and wouldnt have wished this on my worst enemy either, as another person commented. As a result of it, I think I am more laid back than I used to be….I let things slide more (in a good way). I realized that I cant control a lot of things, so why get all riled up about them.