[Editor’s Note: The following guest post from Kim Rogers gives me chills up my spine. I’m in love with this story. -Katherine]
In the depths of my postpartum depression, I experienced all of the expected PPD emotions: shame, guilt, anxiety, fear, sadness, despair and hopelessness. The list goes on. However, there was one that came up quite frequently that stung more than all the rest.
I felt defective.
It was more than four years ago that I felt it for the first time in connection with PPD, but it still brings tears to my eyes. I remember tearfully apologizing to my husband many times, “I’m sorry I’m defective. I’m so sorry I’m broken.” Not only did I carry the weight of my illness on my shoulders, but I also carried the burden of what it was doing to my husband, my marriage, and my new little family. Guilt and failure were my constant, persuasive companions.
In addition to feeling guilty for not being a “good mom” for my husband’s new son, I also felt self-conscious about it in front of his parents. In my mind, I had let them down as well. Did they think I was crazy? Did they think their son deserved better? Did they wish he had married someone else? Someone better suited to care for their grandson? These thoughts plagued me. So much so that we didn’t tell them for many months for fear (mine) of what they would think.
In hindsight I’m sure they knew something was wrong. The second week after my son was born, they were visiting and I was very much a mess. I was obsessive about schedules and on a good day acted distant and nervous. And then there was that Christmas when we flew up to Washington to meet up with them. That was the trip where EVERY. LITTLE. THING. felt like it was impossibly hard. I blew up at the smallest things and my anxiety was crippling. My husband simply suggesting I take my son into the hotel lobby restroom to change his diaper sent me into a tailspin of anxiety and fury. I imagined them wondering what their dear son had gotten himself into!
That is what makes this last weekend so very sweet. Last weekend my in-laws gave me an early birthday present, and I don’t know if they will ever fully realize what a gift it was. They went to a jeweler near their home in British Columbia and had a charm custom-made for me based on the Postpartum Progress logo: the Warrior Mom.
I think it hit me for the first time how deeply they want to convey that they love me, in spite of putting their son and grandkids through two bouts of postpartum depression. Even though at times I felt horrible that I was a defective wife to their son, they never felt that way. This charm is more than a piece of jewelry. It is more than a reminder of what I survived. This charm is a symbol of the love and support that was there all along, waiting for me to receive it.
I hope this serves as an encouragement to you ladies wondering if your family will ever “get it.” Yes, many of them will. Give them time. And if you are nervous about what your husband’s parents think of you, take heart; there’s a good chance they love you just the same—if not more. That is my wish for all of you.
That was beautiful. At the depth of depression we make it worse by assuming everyone else hates us as much as we hate ourselves. Thank you for reminding me that those I might think are judging us the most are often not and only want to help.
I love your story. I'm so glad you have in-laws that really do care about you. I was also afraid that my in-laws were judging me but really they did everything they could to help me out.
I love the bracelet!!! Beautiful and I would love to wear one proudly! Thank you for sharing your story.
I am sitting here at my desk thanking God it's my planning period and there are no students to see the tears in my eyes. This is, perhaps, the kindest story I've ever seen regarding PPD and family support. Ever.
There are chills and tears and a lump in my throat.
Such a beautiful reminder that, not only are you a survivor, there are people who love you no matter what.
You know I want one! 😉
p.s. Dear Kim, Bless you for sharing your story. This would be great for every parent parent-in-law of a PPD mama to read…it should be included in a book like the "The Postpartum Husband"!
Simply amazing!!! What a powerful story of love and support. Katherine, count me in – I want one!
Wow. What a beautiful story. Sitting here crying at my desk. Thank you so much for sharing!
And, YES, I would love to have one of those charms. Will wear it proudly.
tears. of understanding. of joy. of hope. Love this story!!!
That is a beautiful story.
Our relationships with our in-laws can be so complicated, but often they do love us so much. This kind of support is priceless.
Tears flowing over here!
Thanksfully my M-I-L cried with me b/c she too had some rough anxiety after my husband was born, so I had all the support and understanding in the world. but I sure do know what it feels like to feel defective and to CONSTANTLY apologize for it!
Thanks for sharing!
That story is amazing. So much love.
And I want a charm too 🙂
I want one, for sure. I love it. I want it to remind me that having gotten through this, my daughter and I can get through anything.
I adore the story.
I felt so much shame over my PPD with my inlaws & still feel that way. I feel like I let them down & made them not trust me.
& you KNOW I want a charm.
I love this!
I felt this way myself. We went to visit my in-laws for the weekend. I hadn't even told my husband how terrible I was feeling. I was in postpartum anxiety and postpartum OCD hell, but I had yet to admit to myself that something was wrong.
Oddly enough, my SIL confided in me about something that was entirely unrelated, but a pretty big issue for her that she wasn't ready to discuss with her parents. Something about her confiding in me let me know that I could confide in them, and I came out with the fact that I thought I needed help.
My in-laws were fantastically understanding and supportive of what I was going through. My MIL even took a couple of sick days in order to stay with me when I was afraid to be alone with the baby because of my postpartum OCD, and she offered to take more. My SIL made me plain mashed potatoes when I couldn't eat anything else because the antidepressent medication that I was prescribed was making me nauseous.
It warms my heart to know that I am not the only lucky warrior mom that has amazing in-law support. <3
Wow. Beautiful. I swore my husband to secrecy to never tell his parents but I'm sure that they knew. I was always afraid and still am of what they'll think. It's hard to let people in.
I so often feel the way that you have described. My in-laws know, but I don't know how much they really understand it. I just keep trying to be open and honest and explain what I can. Still, the feeling of being "Defective" hit home. I just that word all the time.
I DEF WANT A CHARM. I'm not past my PPD yet, but I am most certainly fighting with every ounce of warrior skill I've got.
I had two bouts of PPD, followed by the loss of my three month old daughter to severe illness. My baby only made me stronger, strong enough to leave an abusive marriage and to fight for myself and my older daughter. I would love to have a charm for myself and one for my sister, who is also suffering from PPD. Your story was right on the mark about feeling defective, except those words were spoken by my exhusband, which became my own thoughts.
I hope you feel better knowing your inlaws think you are a warrior. We are all warriors for our children.
THank you for sharing. Enjoy your day.
I had a lot of problems with severe ppd but my in-laws were less than sympathetic… They took it rather personally and my SIL acted like I just said that I felt that way on purpose to get attention… it was the most difficult thing to deal with and I didn't even have support from my husband. I ended up going to therapy for it and it's been the only thing that's helped…
It's really difficult when people close to you ask you why you can't do better…. it's like a thousand knives…
Oh yeah! I'd LOVE one of those charms! I even have a bracelet to put it on already!
Oh i would love one of those charms!
This is a lovely story, i swore my partner not to tell his parents. Until in the end it got that bad that he told his mum and i have never been so grateful for the support and kindness she showed me and my son in the first few months. I'm not a surviour, not yet anyway but stories like this are a reminder that it gets better.
Love this story!! Tears are flowing like crazy! Thank you for sharing that story it was amazing. I WANT one of those charms!!! Please let me know how I can get one.
My mother in law was incredibly understanding and it blew me away, she told me that she had gone through the same thing and back in the late 60's early 70's nobody talked about PPD. Her support meant the world to me.
Sign me up for one!
I would love one too
I completely understand the feeling of defectiveness and being broken. I felt like my family would be better off with a new mother. Thankfully, I got help, and now I see that's not true. It was hard for me to talk about this with my mother-in-law, but coincidentally, she had been going through some hard times with depression caused by the onset of menopause. But it's something she was conditioned not to talk about, and I think she was really thankful I opened the doors to that conversation.
And I would love a charm!
Since I know I am going to be a warrior mom someday, I want a charm too!
I am a proud warrior mom with awesome in-laws. I would love a charm and would wear it with pride!
Please include me in your order!
I would NEVER EVER EVER admit I went through this by wearing this charm. I would NEVER even HINT to my son that for, whatever reason, after his birth, I had trouble caring for him. It would break his heart because he is the oldest and can remember how easily it was for me to care his younger siblings. And it would break my heart, too. I would NEVER choose to remind my husband of what we went through. This is not a badge of honor. It's something to be forgotten.
I’m in the midst of PND right now and have not told my partners family. They are very old fashioned ‘just got to get on with it’ types and very lucky that there has been no mental illness in there family at all. Unlike mine! They just don’t understand it. I feel so alone as both my parents are passed away
I respect that you feel that way. Some people do. There is nothing wrong with recovering and moving forward without ever looking back.
I hope you don't mean to imply, though, that those who don't are wrong. My son knows about my illness and that there was something wrong with my brain, not him. He also knows how much I love him, and he feels completely safe in that.
I think there is room for both approaches.
Thank you Leslie 🙂 We really do think the worst in those days – it took me over a year to believe that my neighbor across the street who had a baby the same time as I did wasn't judging me for my illness – she probably never thought twice about it!
I'm so glad that your in-laws were helpful – what a gift 🙂 And I'm so happy you love the charm!!
Thank you 🙂 It has really made me think about how I will handle difficulty with my daughter in law (some day in the distant future since Noah is about 5 LOL) I will want her to know I love and support her no matter what!
Thank you Elizabeth 🙂
Thanks Suzanne. I'm so glad it touched you – I cried while writing it! Happy you love the charm!!
Thank you! Hope is what I was hoping to communicate! 🙂
Sarah I think you said it perfectly. They can be the most amazing people, but it still can feel complicated… it can take time to genuinely believe they have welcomed us into their family with love.
I remember when I finally told them, both MIL and FIL sat on either side of me and gave me a hugs – it was such a relief!!
When I would find myself apologizing to my husband, again, he would often say "it's not you, it's postpartum depression, and we are a team, US against IT" Bless that man!
Thank you 🙂
The warrior mom logo really IS the perfect reminder – you CAN get through anything Melissa… a woman with PPD behind her can get through anything in front of her 🙂
I'm sorry to hear that Blair. I hope that you can sit down and talk with them (or even just MIL) about it all – it's an awful feeling to feel like you let them down, I know that all too well. Talking about it openly was helpful though.
I love it. I think the illness paralyzes us and shames us so badly that we feel, well, defective and embarrassed. I'm so glad the timing of your SIL confession helped you with your own!
Kimberly, look at your blog pic – I also remember my first true smile after PPD (it's in the survivor gallery!) – you conquered an illness and became an amazing mom and wife throughout – I'm sure they would be proud of your bravery and strength if they knew your story. I know I am 🙂
Heidi, I think being open and honest is right on. My mom cried while reading my post, which tells me it is still getting pieced together for her. It takes time. So glad you love the charm – you keep fighting the good fight! You WILL be YOU again!!
Oh Jeanne, I'm so sorry for your experience with your ex husband. We have enough self doubt/hatred without someone else pouring it on. That must have been a very painful time for you. You can wear that charm for many reasons – truly a warrior mom on many fronts and protecting your family from many things. Wear it proudly!
I'm sorry Brittany. I remember at the beginning I got many confused stares from family and lots of "well, EVERY mom feels overwhelmed… EVERY mom goes through hard times" I was so broken that I didn't want anyone over to the house for weeks and my family was offended, not supportive. They didn't understand. But over time, some read books about the illness, some watched how I changed as I got healthy, and in the end they understood that I really WAS sick and had a problem. I hope that one day your family, especially your husband, can show you the validation and love that you deserve. So thankful for this blog because it was here for me when no one knew what to do with me.
I'm so glad that you have gotten support that you need – love from your partner and family members is very healing. You will get through this Jenna – I felt so much better that eventually I wanted another child! so yes, it does get better 🙂 You will make it!
Thanks Tara. I bet it was really healing for her to talk about it too! That's a lot of years to keep something in. So great you have her in your corner of the ring 🙂
Oh boy, I absolutely felt like they would be better off without me and my illness – I fantasized about going to an island somewhere and never coming back. I'm so glad you got help and were able to open up to your MIL about it – sounds like it opened her up too, and that builds a deeper relationship between you two, which is always a blessing 🙂
Are you dealing with PPD now? If so, you ARE a warrior mom Cindi!
For me, this charm reminds me that I survived a terrible illness, and I fought for my sanity and my family. My son is 5, and because I am such an advocate for PPD awareness, I know he will know my story someday. When I got the charm, I showed him and explained that when he was born mommy was sick, and I fought that sickness to protect him and me. He wasn't upset or anything. He took it very matter-of-factly. As he gets older, he will no doubt hear the ins and outs of my experience, but those won't be times he remembers. He will remember the hugs and the 20 times a day he is told that he is loved. I love my kids to pieces and they both know it and feel it. I think when they are old enough to know the truth, they will be okay.
I'm so sorry you suffered with your oldest – though I'm happy to see you eventually felt well enough to have more children 🙂 Thank you for sharing your insight.
Kim, this post is breath-taking. Thank you for this gift of release that your words have given me. Once again, I'm happily proved wrong when I believe I'm the only one who has felt these things. I'm letting the tears flow tonight. They're healing tears.
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yes, I agree many aspects of my struggle with postpartum psychosis consist of things I wish I could forever forget. it's also why I once asked my doc. if there were a pill just to make me forget it all.
BUT, it is also an experience that has changed who I am as a person. for many of us, our experience with a postpartum mental illness has made us into better human beings: more patient, tolerant, caring, understanding and empathetic. it has enabled some of us to profoundly affect the lives of others who are struggling or were on the brink of taking their own lives.
it is for this reason I am grateful for the horrific experience I have gone through and why i intend to wear my warrior mom charm with pride.
thanks for sharing your thoughts loveycats, but i hope you can see why some of us do consider being a warrior mom to be a badge of honor.
Zoie, I'm so glad this helped you. You are definitely not alone in this. Just keep reaching out and being real and don't "hole up". You WILL get through this and be the cheery dreaded mama I know you to be 🙂
A few weeks ago, I chose to post on FB about having dived into PPD and needing help. The outpouring of love and support I received has made all the difference in being able to cope. I'm not done fighting it yet, but I'm strong and have the tools I need!
What a beautiful story. I echo what you and many other Warrior Moms feel, I have carried shame and embarrassment thinking I let people down. I love that your in-laws did that for you, it gives me hope for my future with my own in-laws.
And Katherine….I will wear that charm proudly!
Wonderful story and I would love love a charm too!
That is so nice. Unfortunately I had an inlaw who wasn't very supportive and actually said some negative things about me because they didn't understand PPD. I spent my first therapy session talking about them so it obviously affected me more than I realized. The charm is awesome & I would be interested too.
Can we still get a charm? I'm a proud mom of a 10 month old, about 90% recovered from PPD and PPA. I'd love to sport some Warrior mom bling!!!!
thank you for writing this post. it is so honest and clear and has touched me deeply.
Is it possible to order this charm?
This is just beautiful.