I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the differences between experiencing new motherhood with a postpartum mood disorder and without one, which seems to be my current state. (Knock on wood.) It’s like night and day. The joy I feel mothering my baby girl Madden serves to both free me from the bonds of my postpartum OCD experience, and make me angry and sad that I missed out on this joy with my beautiful boy Jackson.
While experiencing postpartum OCD, every minute, no, every second of every day was excruciating. I had such anxiety I wasn’t sure I’d be able to make it through the next hour. I begged my husband to come home for lunch and to leave work early in the evenings. Simply because of a chemical imbalance in my brain, I was convinced I couldn’t handle being a mother. I felt I didn’t know how to keep Jack entertained at all times, as if an infant needs to be entertained at all times! I felt sure that if I put him down, or wasn’t showing him colors and making animal noises and working on making sure he could hold his head up and meet all his milestones properly that I would be failing him as a mother. I had a piece of paper on which I obsessively tracked every hour of the day, writing down when and how much he ate, how long we played and how long he napped. If I didn’t write it down, I felt like I wouldn’t be able to remember and wouldn’t know when to do what. Maybe it gave me some false sense of control …
I loved my son so deeply at that time, just as I surely do now, but there was no joy because I was too busy being scared to death of myself. All of the sudden I had no idea who I was. Who was this person who constantly kept wondering what it would be like if I drowned my son, or smothered him or dropped him? Who was this person who felt like she was walking around inside a strange bubble, watching the world go by but not able to connect or communicate with it? I even remember freaking out over turns of phrase that normally wouldn’t make me think twice. I would casually say to my husband "he’s dead asleep" and almost immediately nearly have a heart attack for saying it that way, as though that meant something dark and terrible was building in my subconscious that could at any moment rise to the surface.
I knew I had a horrible experience, but I don’t think I knew exactly how horrible until now. Now I have a baby again, a beautiful girl that I also love deeply, and I’m happy and free. I write absolutely nothing down, because there’s no need. I trust myself that I’ll know what to do when it’s time to do it, whether napping or feeding or playing. And as for playing, I just don’t have an agenda. We just hang out. Can you imagine?! This time I’m okay with silence, with no plan in place, with no activity to do, without anyone else around. I can just sit and look at her delicate face and an hour might pass. I wish so much that my body would have let me have that same feeling with Jackson when he was so small. I was so ill that I couldn’t experience the beauty of a newborn. Now I look at my baby and think how fleeting infancy is and how sad I’ll be when it’s over and I can’t hold her all bundled up against my chest.
I’m grateful we can get better and experience the wonder of our children. For those of you experiencing a postpartum mood disorder right now, you CAN get better and your child will love you no less deeply than any other child loves their mother. How do I know? My husband and Jack went for a nighttime walk on the beach during our vacation a few weeks ago. They laid down on the sand so they could look at the stars. My husband then asked Jack if he’d ever seen anything so beautiful. Jack answered, "My mom."
Happy Mother’s Day.
Congratulations! You put it so well! Having baby #2 has been a very freeing experience for me too. It is such an amazing feeling to bond to your child and not be sick. I am sad for missing all of that with Baby #1 because I was so so sick. But I feel blessed to have baby #2 to give me the ability to see how other moms feel when they look into their child's eyes and see more love than you have ever experienced before. The illness masks that feeling when you are sick. Being healthy (with treatment) makes the experience so wonderful with Baby #2….and kind of makes us want to think about having baby #3! (gasp!) Congratulations and happy Mother's Day to you too!
Thank you for so eloquently capturing the sentiments I'm sure many of us mothers with children after PPMD experience. My first daughter also has developed bipolar disorder (which was my ultimate PPMD diagnosis 17 mo. after her birth), and it is often bittersweet to enjoy my second daughter, who is happy and thriving, when her sister has so many challenges, when I know research shows that moms with untreated PPMD have children at higher risk for mental health problems themselves. Wishing that I could turn back time and do it again; knowing that I cannot; being the best mom I can in the present, I can truly say to her, "I understand" and we get through our days together……
I cried as I read your story. I will have no more children after my son, Tyler, 4yo and I long to have that connection with a newborn. I am VERY lucky however to watch and enjoy my new nephew. My sister had PPD too after her 1st son and I was still in the throws of my PPD when he was born. With the second one, we are both well. My sister starting taking meds right after birth and is flying though motherhood. She even was sick for the first 2 weeks of his life with gallbladder problems and subsequent surgery and she STILL has done well.
Life is amazing sometimes.
Thank you, Katherine, for sharing your experiences with a PPD pregnancy/birth and one that is totally free of PPD symptoms. Your words are so very powerful and healing to those women who are currently feeling as you did with your son.
What a precious Mother's Day gift! You're a special lady — and don't you ever forget that!
Love,
Helena
Thanks for posting this. I have a 15 month old daughter and at times I cry because I feel like I "missed" her infancy due to PPD bordering on psychosis. I feel cheated. I look back at the photos and videos I took and it's like someone else's adorable baby… I was in my head so much (despite KNOWING this and fighting it tooth and nail) that I couldn't enjoy her.
I had fertility problems so she will probably be my only one… I think I'm too scared to have another anyway. It was a nightmare.
Thank you for sharing your experience!
I had PPD after my son was born and had a rough and long recovery. It has been almost 4 years since his birth and I am trying to have another baby. Because my battle with PPD was so bad I am still a little fearful of the PPD returning, however, it is very encouraging to hear so many mothers are doing well the second time around!
Thank you!
I few months ago I e-mailed you about my "do-over" experience with my second child, Caroline.
I am so happy you got to experience what having a new baby really should be like.
I am forever grateful for the healing that occurred simply by bringing another human into the world. Giving birth a 2nd time and those little blue pills took away the 2 years 8 months of pain that I felt whenever I thought of my sons arrival into my world.
Thank you for getting the message out to the world at large.
And welcome to the world, Madden. It's messy, but you'll love it here.
I am sitting her with tears in my eyes as I read this at a coffee shop. You really hit the nail on the head about what having PPD and its related illnesses was like. I remember thinking I would throw up every time I looked at my son in his bassinet, wishing I didn't have to pick him up. I remember being frightened to carry a scissors in the house. I remember all those strange thoughts you mentioned about drowning or smothering your son. I remember looking at other families wondering if they really were happy and enjoyed having kids. I remember the inner turmoil and pain that still peeks its ugly head 3 years later.
I also grieve what I "think" I missed or hoped I missed as the mother of a newborn…that joy, wonderment, awe and most importantly, being present with my child. I hope I get that this next time around. Your post and the lovely women who responded as well have given me great hope.
I often minimize what I experienced but then, I read things like this and start bawling at a coffee shop! 🙂 So, it reminds me that it was a painful experience but I can now confidently say that my son thinks I am beautiful too. I had such fear that I was a bad mommy and failing him. Such pain and joy can co-exist and I am thrilled to say that joy is winning this one!
Now, I am off to pick up my little guy at his school and enjoy his elated voice and face when I walk in the door and he says, "mommy!" and rushes over for a hug… or I might even be greeted with "Batman Mommy!" as he so affectionately has been calling me lately 🙂
So true. After having my second son, I now know what motherhood really means. I had no idea how much I could love such a tiny little person. I only wish my oldest son had the same mother as my youngest had.
Just read this for a second time. i'm amazed at how you've seemingly crawled into my head and put my feelings onto paper.
This gives me so much hope, Katherine. I am in a wonderful place with my 2 1/2 year old daughter – and I am going into this new pregnancy prepared for (and armed against) PPD/PPA. But I find myself wondering if I will feel guilty when (not if) my experience with the new baby is better than my experience with DoodleBug was.
Just read this for the first time. The beginning describes me exactly. I was worried about teaching my newborn the ABCs and now realize how rediculous that was. I was so worried about her that I barely ate or slept and had to be with her at all times. Even going through PPD I do still want to try for another child in a few years and I pray that I can enjoy the second one as much as you are. It gives me hope because I can't even count how many times I have said that I am never going to do this again because my view of bringing a baby into the world is not what it should be because of my PPD.