it's annoying and stupid and complicated. it's like the trauma of two total breakdowns (the first was worse than the second, but not by much i wouldn't say) has now become one of the factors creating my anxiety.
i'm anxious about being anxious? or no! about having been anxious.
over the last two years i've definitely learned some tricks. i know how to sit with my anxiety better. how not to let it snowball. how to wait for it to pass the way you might wait for a marching band to pass in the parade. hell, i've learned to know it's anxiety i'm feeling and not something else. that's a pretty big deal.
i still feel like it is acutely related to my children even as it has absolutely nothing to do with them. perhaps what i mean to say is that it is acutely related to parenting although not at all because of my kids. there's just something about parenting that makes avoiding fears impossible. something about it that forces you to learn to sit with things that are uncomfortable, even as doing so can sometimes make you all the more uncomfortable.
How I love that last paragraph. I think it's the perfect description of how some of us can love our children but be afraid of or discombobulated by or completely thrown by parenting.
That was me for sure. It's not that I didn't love Jack. I practically breathe Jack. My children are like oxygen to me. But the act of parenting scared me and worried me and immobilized me. I think a lot of my anxiety and OCD came from my relationship with my own mother and my traumatic early childhood. I didn't feel like I had any idea of how to be a mother, and this only occurred to me after my baby was born. It took a lot of professional help from a therapist for me to be able tosee where my thinking was wrong. And it was wrong. I can do this.
I am doing this.
Click here for more on postpartum anxiety.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'm currently dealing with PPD & Anxiety (from birth of 10 month old)and am also 6 months pregnant. I am unable to take my anxiety meds b/c of the pregnancy. This article helped me put a little perspective on the crazy feelings of untamed anxiety– esp. how I can love my son sooo much and still feel so overwhelmed.
Love this post!
I stumbled upon your blog from someone else's blog, and I feel like I have to contribute, or say something, or even just talk to you.
I have been there. The Postpartum Depression & Anxiety (and well as the Pregnancy Depression & Anxiety). I made it, but just barely. I blogged about it, but only openly and honestly AFTER the baby was born. I my child is in this world because of a blog post I read by mw (now) friend, Casey. Blogging is so near and dear to me, so thank you for what you do.
I'd love to chat. Please email me if you have a chance.
Jen
I'm so glad it was helpful. It would have helped me had I read Julie's piece when I was sick.
Hi Jen! Sent you an email!
beautiful write up! thanks for the reminds.
Heidi K – I took benadryl during my pg. Helps a touch w anxiety. It did for me and I fight anxiety daily. Xoxo
Fabulous post. I'm so glad you highlighted it. She puts it so perfectly, and your description is right on the money, too.
"I think it's the perfect description of how some of us can love our children but be afraid of or discombobulated by or completely thrown by parenting. "
I SO get that.
This really hits home- I had a racing pulse, shortness of breath, and emotional lability for 6 months post-partum. I know it would be hard, tiring, emotionally draining. I did not know that I would be so anxious! The sleeping, the breastfeeding, the bottles. I was a wreck.
Love this post. One of my biggest fears with the potential of another baby is being anxious about being anxious. So refreshing to read someone else's feelings on this.
Definitely this post is should be discussed. All most all family has that problem too. I am so thankful that I found this blog. I am hoping for more update.
i have been struggling to put my anxiety/depression into words, and this did it. it is the uncomfortable fears. its one of my biggest issues. i adore my son. i breathe him as well. its my fears……