I was having dinner with a friend the other night, and she was sharing with me some real concerns about someone she knew who had been extremely anxious since her now 2.5-year-old girl was born.  Did this mom have postpartum depression? My friend described someone who had a nearly impossible time letting her daughter be apart from her. She held her constantly.  She had yet to leave her child with anyone other than herself (meaning, of course, that she had not had a break in a number of years).  She grew fearful any time her kiddo cried, she panicked any time her baby needed something and she was unsure of what that particular thing was, and she was simply unable to tolerate any independence that this little girl was seeking. Let me also explain to you that this woman was also described as highly competent, loving, and social. This woman’s anxiety and insecurities had, apparently, shown themselves only after her baby was born.
As is typical in these situations, this mama had become very isolated and hadn’t connected much with other new moms. Her marriage was struggling. Family and friends were having a hard time managing their own frustrations with this mom’s behaviors, no matter how much they wanted to help and support her. This mom was pushing everyone away, so it seemed, except for her daughter who she held close to her with a sort of apparent desperation.
I listened attentively as my friend described a situation that felt critical to her, and which she was confused by. And, indeed, this sounded like a situation that was thick with layers of confusion and conflict for everyone involved. I had also heard similar stories numerous times. I had never met the mom who my friend was describing and so was in no place to fully assess the situation, but the themes and conflicts that this mom was experiencing were easy to identify.  It was certainly possible that she had postpartum depression or anxiety.
As it turns out, this is a woman who was adopted at the age of two. Although she was raised by loving and attentive parents, she had always struggled with the uncertainty and feelings of ungroundedness that exist for many people who were adopted. This woman has no concrete memories of her earliest years, but, as described by my friend, she had a clear sense of loss connected to this time. Yet, she had never discussed these feelings with anyone in depth, and had not been in therapy at any point in her life. Until becoming a mom she had, very successfully, managed her life in a way that allowed her to move through it with relative ease.
Then she became a mom and – WHAM – this ability seemed to falter.
Many, many women who have some early childhood experiences that are marked by early attachment challenges with their parents, trauma, childhood abuse, and/or conflict and who feel that their earliest needs were not met struggle with a fear around what it means to be apart, separate, or “unavailable” to their own children. These moms are terrified that their own kiddos will feel abandoned by them, that they will be unable to meet their every need, and that they will somehow let their babies down. And so they may overcompensate. Often, these moms feel great fear and anxiety when apart from their little ones for even a moment. They don’t give themselves permission to take breaks. They feel overwhelming anxiety when unable to soothe their babies’ cries or are unable to read their cues and meet their needs. They are hard on themselves and they set expectations for themselves as mothers that aren’t humanly impossible.
And this makes sense. These loving and dedicated moms want for their kids what they didn’t have. The only challenge here is that they might not have a roadmap for how to do this in a way that is healthy for both themselves and their little ones. And, often, these moms may not be aware that the postpartum anxiety and/or postpartum depression that they feel is not just due to the challenges of the postpartum period but may, actually, also be due to very early experiences that are stock full of emotion that is hard to make sense of. When these moms don’t reach out for support, their past and present experiences can become blurred and, despite attempts and desires to be thoughtful and proactive moms, they get into a pattern of parenting that is reactionary; they are, in affect, reacting to their own early experiences and are filled by great anxiety and emotional vulnerability in the process.
This is, to be clear, absolutely NOT the experience of every mom who was adopted herself. But postpartum depression is common for those who’ve experienced childhood trauma or abandonment. Working with a trained professional around these issues can be an important part of becoming the mom that you want to be regardless of your own early childhood. Once the past and present are untangled, many of these moms feel a great sense of freedom, empowerment, and relief. And they find that they can settle into their role as Mom in a way that they never had imagined.
— 
Kate Kripke, LCSW
Photo credit (child): Fotolia – © Oleg Kozlov
Thank you for this very important reminder.
As part of the University of Michigan Women and Infants Mental Health Clinic in the Department of Psychiatry, my colleagues have developed the PARENTING IN POSTPRTUM WELLNESS PROGRAM. It is for parents who might benefit from support and guidance during the first year of their child’s life.
The Parenting in Postpartum (PIP) Wellness Program helps parents and infants to develop secure, joyful relationships, which in turn sets them on a healthy developmental path, regardless of the challenges faced.
Parents who may find the PIP Wellness program helpful may have:
• postpartum anxiety, depression, or are feeling overwhelmed,
• experienced stressful transitions or traumatic events,
• infants struggling with feeding, sleeping, or excessive crying,
• infants with developmental concerns or medical illness,
• desire to learn more about their baby’s development, and desire to establish nurturing, joyful, and secure family relationships
http://www.psych.med.umich.edu/wimhc/
Thanks for this! What a fabulous resource!!
"Moms want for their kids what they didn't have"…such a true statment in my case. While I wasn't adopted, I grew up in a very chaotic and at times unsafe environment. The day I became pregnant I knew that I was going to do everything in my power to not let my son grow up the way I did. That gave me a false sense of what a "good parent" should be like. And when I faultered and made mistakes, it fueled the anxiety and tremendous anger towards myself.
It took a long time to realize that no parent is perfect.
I really hope that this woman got the help that she needed!
Thanks Kimberly. And not only is there "no parent perfect" but what kids need is that we are "good enough"- making mistakes, missing the ball on meeting our kids' needs, reacting instead of responding etc are all part of being human. What matters most is the "repair" and how we move forward knowing that all we can all do is our best. And, doing or being our best requires that we take care of our own needs- be that therapy, time away, rest, or what have you. Glad you shared your experiences 🙂
Thanks so much for this column. I found it very helpful.
It's amazing how having children can trigger our own childhood issues that I thought were long gone. For example, my 2yo's unpredictable tantrums, or my 4yo's unwarranted criticisms (dinner is yucky), or pushing me away (seeking independence), can trigger–at least in me–the feelings I had as a child: fear and anxiety growing up in a chaotic, unstable, alcoholic-behavior-like household.
My friends (many of whom are moms) do not understand, as they did not grow up with such unstability. I've had to seek professional help for support, so I may separate the feelings between past and present. Really, I've been shocked about how much is buried beneath and the lengths I will go to so I will not repeat the same mistakes my mom made with me. My heart goes out to the moms like the ones you mention in your column. I hope that we as moms can be kind and supportive of one another–and offer help–rather than judge.
It all comes right back when we become parents our selves, doesn't it? It is inevitable that, when we try and figure out what kind of mother we want to be, all of the old ways that we were parented will come at us with full force and speed. Learning to separate the two is an important part if the healing. I am so glad that you have received the support that you deserve.
I was raped as a child and i struggle alot with anxiety with my 4 month old i am petrified of something happening to him and i stuggle with ppd and ppocd/intrusive thoughts. I went to group therapy but stopped going b/c of cost and there is no one else with what i am dealing with in there. i am so tired of these ocd thoughts and compulsions to deal with them but i am moving forward but i definitely am having a hardtime getting past the past if that makes sense my thoughts scared me so bad that i thought i was a monster and felt wierd and went to the hospital and stayed in the psych ward for a week, but now looking back i dont think that was the besr decision for me but it cannot be undone and i am not crazy and love my baby so much, i recently quit my job to stay home with him and have stepped out on faith in the Lord by doing so. I want to be the best mom i can be to him and I never want anything terrible to happen to him, i have been carrying this pain from the rape for 18 years and never want my child to go through any kind of pain. i am thankful for sites and posts like this so i know that i am not alone.
Dear Tori-
I am so so glad that you are here.
No, you are not crazy. And no, you are not the only one who is going thru or has gone thru what you are now. And, yes, you are a great Mom and your son is lucky to have you. Trauma that occurs during childhood can not be diminished as a cause for PPD and other postpartum mood and anxiety disorders. And, you can certainly get better (and it sounds like you have been doing a lot to get closer to that place)
If you have not already, I really encourage you to contact your state coordinator for PSI (http://www.postpartum.net/Get-Help/Support-Resources-Map-Area-Coordinators.aspx). That coordinator will most likely be able to connect you with support that is realistic for you financially- many community mental health clinics, for example, offer free or low fee services.
I know that this can feel never ending Tori, but there is most certainly hope. I will continue to think about you and send warm recovery wishes.
Kate
I found this to be the case when I had my daughter. Having my son was easier, but with my daughter all the feelings from my childhood and the lack of a relationship with my mother came flooding back in. Suddenly I was incapable of having a relationship with my daughter. I was so lost. It wasn't until dealing with my depression and childhood issues that I was able to move forward. I believe this happens to more women then we actually know.
Thank you for this article.
It has taken me 7 years of therapy after the birth of my children to only now, at the age of 43, face the reality that the core of my severe postpartum anxiety and depression has come from an abusive childhood and adulthood at the hands of a mother who suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. This was compounded by the death of my father as a baby and a number of other factors and if it weren't for becoming a parent myself I might never have seen the light so to speak. Abuse truly penetrates the psyche and sometimes we are so enmeshed with our abuser that we can't see reality (or don't want to see it, particularly when it is our mother) until we are strong enough to learn the truth.