Postpartum depression may be common, but it’s not normal. Baby blues is common and normal. So what’s the difference between baby blues and postpartum depression?
It’s NOT normal for a woman to suffer in new motherhood. It is not normal for her to feel anxious most of the time, it is not normal for her to feel overwhelmed most of the time, and it is not normal for her to feel trapped and angry and uncertain most of the time. There is no doubt that new motherhood is overwhelming and scary for most of us, but when these feelings take charge—when they become more dominant than feelings of relative well-being—there is something else going on.
I get my feathers ruffled every time that I hear someone say that their OB told them that the distress they were feeling was just part of being a new mom. I am concerned each time a mom says that she waited to get help for postpartum depression because she just assumed that the way she was feeling came with new motherhood, that she just had to get used to it, that it would go away on its own. I become furious when I read articles or blog entries that assume postpartum depression is caused by a woman’s resistance to all that comes with motherhood. Frankly, it’s all BS. I want to yell this from the treetops.
So, here, my friends, is a bit of a reminder for all of you, and perhaps something to use as a guide if you are not so sure whether the way that you are feeling needs outside support. Here’s how to tell the difference between “normal” new mom stress and postpartum depression:
Healthy (or “Normal”) Postpartum Adjustment
- Some feelings of overwhelm and anxiety that decrease with reassurance
- Some “escapist fantasies” (a desire to run away) that occur when the logistics of mothering are challenging but go away when you baby is soothed, when you are rested, and when you are validated
- Fears about harm coming to your baby that come and go, that you know are not “realistic” but that do not cause lasting distress, and that decrease as your experience and comfort with motherhood grows
- Sleeplessness that occurs from caring for your baby at night, while still having the ability to sleep when your baby is sleeping or when given the option to rest
- Fatigue that comes from late night feedings and interrupted sleep
- Some feelings of frustration towards your partner regarding differences in parenting choices or differing roles
- Moments of sadness, disappointment, or anger towards your parents when reminded of the ways that you were parented, but the ability to hold insight and perspective regarding your own relationship with your baby
- Feelings of isolation that are caused by the increased time spent with your baby especially when a newborn, but also a desire and motivation to connect with others
- Uncertainty that comes with this new job, and building confidence that comes with time
- A hesitancy and worry that comes with allowing others to care for your baby, but a willingness to do this when you are in need of a break
- A decrease in eating that is caused by the logistics of being a new mom
- Temporary body aches and pains that are a result of childbirth and/or feeding
- Feelings of worry about your baby’s ability to latch or feed as you hoped that decrease with feeding improvement or that shift when a new feeding option is chosen
- Acknowledgement of the challenge that comes with new motherhood, but also the ability to look forward to things getting easier
- Increases in energy that come with increases in sleep
- Vulnerable feelings that come and go but that do not alter the way that you think about yourself
Postpartum Distress that Requires Support
- Feeling anxious and overwhelmed most of the time, an anxiety that doesn’t go away with reassurance
- Feelings of regret over becoming a mom that do not seem to go away
- Repetitive and intrusive thoughts of harm coming to your baby that cause great distress and that impact your ability to care for your baby
- Thoughts of hurting yourself
- Sleeplessness that occurs due to “monkey brain” – anxious thoughts that will not go away
- A deep fatigue that is not alleviated with rest and/or a desire to remain in bed all day
- Lacking appetite or a need to keep eating despite being full
- Body aches and pains with no apparent cause
- Relentless feelings of anger or rage towards your partner and/or others
- Resurfacing memories about your own early childhood that cause great distress, anxiety, or sadness
- Loneliness and isolation that occur while also pulling away from those who care about you; a lack of desire or motivation to connect with others
- Persistent feelings that you’re not a good mom or you’re not good at doing motherly things, even despite validation or reassurance from others
- Feelings that your baby does not “like” you because he cries or is not feeding well
- Unrelenting anxiety about having others help care for your baby and a deep fear and inability to let go of some of this control
- Never-ending feelings that you will never feel better
- Sudden increase in energy that occurs despite a decrease in sleep; this may or may not include seeing or hearing things that aren’t really there
- A general feeling of “not feeling like yourself”
- Any uncomfortable or vulnerable feelings that persist for longer than 2-3 weeks – especially when these interfere with your ability meet your basic needs and/or live your life as you would like to
Please remember moms, new motherhood is challenging for all of us, but it should not be consistently distressing or miserable. And it you are finding yourself wondering if what you are struggling with is “normal,” a good question to ask your self is, “Is this normal for me when I am well?” If it’s not, there is help waiting. You do not need to suffer through postpartum depression.
~ Kate Kripke, LCSW
If this story was helpful, you might also like: Normal Postpartum Adjustment Vs Postpartum Mood Disorders
I love posts like this that break it down into basic points, making it much easier for a woman to assess her situation. I already have someone in mind I will send this to. Thanks.
Me too. So glad you liked it!
Me too 🙂
Such an important article, thank you!
I am curious to know if there any studies out there in regard to a child having anxiety when she was born of a post-partum anxiety mom…thoughts or article recommendations would be helpful.
Any child of a parent with depression or anxiety has a higher risk of having one of these illnesses themselves. I wish I could think of a specific article to send you, but I can’t at the moment. Sorry!
I feel like I’m a ticking time bomb. I can’t take meds since I am EBF, is there a natural way to cope with PPD???? Help please!!
Shelly, psychotherapy can be a very effective treatment for PPD and doesn’t require you to take medication. Have you tried seeing a therapist?
This is super old but just wanted to put this out there for others, there are meds you can take while EBF’ing. Talk to your healthcare provider to see if you’re comfortable with it.
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Amazing article! So much help for those trying to differentiate the two, very simply put, especially for those going through this and need things put into a simpler perspective.
Hi! I gave birth 3 months ago and I am experiencing this uncomfy feelings. I always feel dizzy and just last night I throw up and had a fever. I also feel so cold that I was shaking so hard. I am away from my child as I was working and my husband is on training for 6 months so he wasn’t there when I gave birth. He is scheduled to go home in May. I hope you could help me confirm if what I’m going through is also postpartum depression. The extreme coldness and shaking already happened twice for two weeks. Hoping for your response.
Hi Ron – I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling like this. We can’t diagnose symptoms, so it’s really important you see a doctor soon to determine what might be happening to you. Here’s our list of common symptoms of postpartum depression and anxiety. Hopefully after reading over them, you will have a better idea about what you’re dealing with. http://postpartumprogress.com/the-symptoms-of-postpartum-depression-anxiety-in-plain-mama-english
It tells us whats normal & whats not. But it gives no pointers or links on who to talk to or where to get help. That is not helpful. That is frustrating in its own right.
Aleah – I’m so sorry you’re feeling frustrated. We have hundreds of articles on various topics on our site and many places where you can click to find resources. Are you looking for a specialist or therapist to help with PPD? If so, here is our list of specialists: http://postpartumprogress.com/womens-mental-health-treatment-programs-specialists-us-canada-australia If this isn’t what you’re looking for, please let us know. You can email firstname.lastname@example.org directly.
Thank you so much for posting this! I was so scared that I was depressed, but this article gave me the reassurance I needed. Thank you again.
This is great! It’s nice to know that the majority of these feelings are normal as most of my friends who are moms also feel this way! Thanks so much. Women must help each other.
this post was every helpful ..so glad I was able to find this site
This is a very helpful article. I can definitely say I do suffer from postpartum depression. I’m angry most of the time especially with my husband. I feel I’m not a good mother and absolutely not a good wife. I feel trapped, I sometimes even tell my husband I wanna run away and then I’m affraid because of this he will take my baby away from me. Since my baby was born, four months ago, I haven’t been capable of doing anything else but caring for her. I want a couple of hours of break, but even when someone offered to take care of the baby I could not leave her. The worst of all is that I constantly think all these feelings of mine will permanently leave a sign on my baby, that she’ll grow up not happy, not capable of enjoying life.
I’m so glad this helped you. It does sound like you are describing symptoms of PPD and/or Postpartum Anxiety. I hope you have a way to reach out for treatment. This is something that can get better with professional help and time. I’m sending you peace!
Thank you so much for this article! I reached out to a friend recently who had her 2nd child, who ended up having a medical crisis and illness. It brought back so many memories of my son, his heart surgery at 8 days old, and the subsequent months of feeling overwhelmed, isolated and exhausted. I have mentioned several times how I would hear my son crying when he was in fact, asleep. I would have to leave the monitor on to prove to myself he wasn’t crying. Yours is the first article I found that mentions “hearing things that aren’t there”. Thank you for all your work in helping new moms!
Sure, there might be help, but I’ve been trying to get in to my doctor for 4 days. Also, I’m already on the max dose of antidepressant. And I already know this one works best for me. I’m scared there is no help.