I was talking to someone in private today about the possibility of postpartum depression. She wasn’t sure that her symptoms would qualify. They’re not that bad. She’s had it worse. Other people have had it worse.
It made me think about how much we compare ourselves to others. Just like other illnesses — alcoholism, for one — there’s a general belief that only the people who hit rock bottom, who are unable to function on any level at all, are the ones who are in trouble or the ones who need help.
The rest of us just need to try a little harder, we think.
That other mom is single.
That other mom doesn’t have childcare, or someone to clean the house.
That other mom doesn’t have friends and family around her to support her.
That other mom is so sick she can’t go anywhere or do anything.
If we’re not like her we must not need help, or, even worse, we may think we don’t deserve help. We shouldn’t be bothering people with our less-serious problems.
Please don’t believe that. Don’t compare yourself. Postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety and the like manifest for different people in very different ways. As individuals we all have significantly different sets of circumstances and symptoms and supports. Sure someone somewhere is worse off! That’s going to be the case in any situation, but just because that’s true doesn’t mean that each of us isn’t worthy and deserving of reaching out.
Maybe you’re someone who can still get dressed in the morning. You can take care of what you need to. Still, you don’t feel like yourself and you’re confused and frustrated, and you’ve known it for a while but you see other people talking about their PPD and it seems so much worse so you think you shouldn’t speak out. Forget that. Make the call. Tell whoever you need to, “This isn’t going well for me. I’m functioning okay, but I’m unhappy and unsure and I’d like to talk about it.”
Maybe it will turn out you don’t have postpartum depression, but that you needed someone to talk to with whom you could air out your concerns and feelings and get some validation. Maybe you need a few new coping skills for the transition to motherhood. Maybe you have mild PPD, or moderate. Maybe even more but you’ve been ignoring the signs. It doesn’t matter what your level of severity is.
What matters is whether you’re able to function as YOU would like. What matters is that you are as well as YOU would like to be.
We all need varying levels of support, and if it turns out that you need slightly less than someone else, it doesn’t mean that you didn’t need it, or deserve it, at all.
With thanks to C.
So true! and it really applies to all sorts of life´s situations, not just ppd!
Very true, Abby!
Such an important post Katherine. I hear women on a regular basis discounting what they are experiencing in comparison to another mother’s experience. It can be hard to keep them on track as it relates to self care. I will remind women that although they might feel that in comparison their symptoms are less severe they are none the less experiencing something that is not in line with what they would judge as their normal level of functioning, period. Some women prefer we don’t even call it a perinatal mood disorder, fine, but let’s at least say out loud that things are off course and do what we can to get them back n course. Thanks again for this article.
Best,
Mary Jackson Lee, LCSW
Therapist
Wheaton, IL
I really like that word, Mary — discounting. Exactly. Why do we discount ourselves and our needs or feelings so much???
Amen, I suffered with postpartum depression after baby #5 and then had it during #7’s pregnancy. Thank you for speaking loud about it.
Very well said. Thank you so much for your post.
Thank you, Heather!
I agree with this SO much more than I can say. I’ve touched on it on my blog. There is no 1 face of PPD. There is no “This is what PPD looks/acts/feels like” in the sense of an across the board blanket statement for everyone, so comparing ourselves doesn’t do anyone any good.
I keep having to reminds myself of this.
Exactly, Esther. And like Abby said in her comment, this applies to so many things. Not just PPD. We often feel we don’t need the help, or deserve it, or can’t afford it, or whatever the reason, especially when we see other people in situations we believe are much more dire. But we all need help.
I made that mistake myself and I deeply regret doing so. I also think it’s a mistake that spouses, partners, and caretakers make: comparing a partner’s symptoms to someone else’s (or worse, a textbook or website).
If something just doesn’t feel right and you’re not feeling like yourself, then something is wrong. I wish I had given myself permission to accept that, rather than spend time wondering what the heck was wrong with me.
Great point about other people Kristen! Excellent! I do think friends, spouses, family and others may minimize what we’re going through if their vision of needing help means being in a massive crisis and at rock bottom.
I love this. I resisted getting help for a long time because I felt that I wasn’t “bad enough” to need help, despite the encouragement of family to get help. Once I finally did, my life has become so much brighter, and my only regret is that I waited so long because I thought I needed to be “worse” than I was to deserve intervention. Getting help is one of the best decisions I ever made despite my doubts, and now I am able to enjoy being a mother.
Your post is so true, we compare are selves to other people all the time, like we are trying to say “look how strong they are” so we want to be strong and we get it in are minds that asking for help is a sign of being week. So sad to see but yet it happens on a daily basic.
This is such an important post.
I really think that the comparison often keeps us from asking help. And that it makes us feel bad for complaining or not feeling well when others are having it worse.
But when we don’t recognize ourselves and motherhood is nothing but a burden, then we need and deserve help, no matter what others are going through.
I have literally argued with my friend about this…she had her second baby and she says that she is obsessed with her hair falling out after pregnancy that she thinks about it all day. It distracts her from going out and locks herself in her room. I asked her about PPD and she said that she was depressed but not like me. “Why would you even ask me? This will go away on it’s own. Don’t tell me that I have what you have…”
Granted, I did have a really bad time with this crap and even more so now…that she is comparing my struggles to hers. I told her that we all have different experiences. I’ve begged her and her husband but they don’t listen. I really don’t know what to do except to just be there and listen…
Keep doing what you’re doing Kim. Letting her know that we each have different experiences, and just because yours was different or worse doesn’t mean she needs to continue to live like this. <3
Oh my gosh this is a great, fabulous, wonderful post. NOT because PPD is any of those things but because you are so right when posted about comparison I do it every day. Thank you!
Really agree.
Because I no longer feel rock bottom, I can get dressed, I can get out the house, heck I can even laugh occasionally, I find myself doubting that I have pnd. I end up torturing myself thinking perhaps I’m just no good at being a mum or perhaps I’m just too selfish to enjoy motherhood, perhaps this is the best I can hope for, I’ll never have the “old me” back. Have to remind myself that’s the depression talking and that being 50% better still means I have a way to go.
Thanks for this post x
Glad you’re here. And yes, 50% better means you still get to have help and support as you continue along on your journey to 100% better.
Thanks for sharing this. So many times women are so selfless that they don’t think they deserve a fuss made over them. However, PPD is very real and can have negative effects on mom and baby.