A late summer night’s breeze passed through the nursery window, rattling the blinds. I held my breath, hoping that the noise didn’t wake the infant. I carefully turned my head and caught a glimpse of his pursed lips that had been whispering sweet breaths at the nape of my neck. His body curled perfectly upon my chest, as if my body was born molded for this exact moment.
The infant felt so trusting in my arms.
He on the other hand, felt so foreign in mine.
He was my son.
I was his mother.
And I didn’t want to be.
I spent many nights rocking with him in his room that was dimly lit by the lamp that I had excitedly picked out when he was just a peanut in my belly. I loved him then with his tiny kicks and his hiccups that would make my belly bounce. I loved him then when I saw his silhouette on the ultrasound monitor.
I loved him then when I was going to be a mom and experience all that Motherhood entailed.
And there I was, with my dream in my arms and all I wanted was to put him back in his crib, crawl out the nursery window, and run as far away from it.
I hated being a mom.
Every single night, until I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety, I thought of a million ways I could escape this life.
Of how I could escape him.
Now, 3 years later, I feel dirty for admitting this even though I know that it was the illness that made me think that way.
Postpartum depression swirled wicked demons in my mind that no mother should ever have to deal with. It stole that instant love I was supposed to have for my son and filled the shoes of motherhood with cement so that I couldn’t slip them on as easily as other mom’s do.
I had to fight and claw and scratch my way into them.
Each day as I worked at my recovery from postpartum depression, my role as a mom started to grow on me.
And I even started to like it.
Now motherhood is not defined by my illness. It won’t be defined by your illness either.
It’s about their giggles that fill your heart with happy.
It’s about the way they sneak up behind you and squeeze your leg when you least expect it.
It’s about their face lighting up when you walk into the room.
It’s about discovering the world again through their innocent eyes.
It’s about forgetting your inhibitions and getting down in the dirt to play “army men” just to see them smile.
It’s about creating memories that will fill their soul when they’re all grown.
It’s about being the only one in the world who can make a boo boo better.
It’s about sneaking into their room late at night to catch a glimpse of them sleeping.
It’s about the love that you thought you could never feel.
If I had to go through postpartum depression again I would because in the end, every single tear and heartache was completely worth it. Motherhood is the most wonderful job I’ve ever held.
And right now, as the sun breaks through the dark city horizon, my son is half awake with his body nuzzled perfectly into mine…
…as if my body was born molded for this exact moment.
If you are currently suffering from postpartum depression, I wanted to tell you that not loving your role as a mother does not make you a bad person. Even moms who don’t suffer from postpartum depression have a hard time transitioning into motherhood. Keep fighting with all you have because I promise you, it will all be worth it
I'm crawling out of this hole now myself. It ain't easy and it isn't pretty, either. But I'm trying to be upfront and honest about it and it really helps to read posts like this/yours…
Thank you for sharing this and for being so transparent.
xo
That hole sucks to be in…not going to lie…but fight with all you have because in the end it is all worth it.
You're doing a great job Erin. There is an army of support behind you. You're going to kick this in the rump. I know you will.
Thank you for this. For a long time I felt so guilty about the fact that I could not stand motherhood. Now that I have more or less survived PPD, I know that those feelings were caused by the illness and that it does not define my relationship with my kidlets now.
The illness does twist and turn things in our mind. It makes us think that we are horrible moms for not swinging into motherhood gracefully. It takes time, but we get there.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! Reading your story brought tears to my eyes as I held my little girl in my arms. Everything you shared hit home for me. I never thought I would be a product of Postpartum. I'm in a much better place now thanks to therapy and last but not least my daughter's smile, the way she stops crying just by the sound of my voice. I know she needs me and I have no other choice but to get better. It's all done for her. Your my new friend in my head. I'm not alone. I'm so glad I found your story
Thank you my friend. For being the voice that lets struggling women know they are not alone.
For being the voice I needed to hear.
Thank you for fighting along side us.
Always friend 😉 we are an army.
This is a beautifully written post. But it's so hard to believe. It's been three year since I became a mother, and I hate it as much as ever. I'm not sure I'll ever make it to the place you have.
Emily this breaks my heart.
Keep fighting. I know it's incredibly hard. I know that it creates a lot of doubt when you're not getting well. It took me a long time to get to where I am. Always have hope. You are so much stronger than this illness. You really are. Keep fighting. I promise that you'll get there.
Sending you much love and hugs.
@ Emily…don't give up hope. It took me a long time to start feeling "together". I still have rough days here and there and my youngest will be 3 in a couple weeks. Good luck!
Man how I love they way those little bodies mold into ours. You're right. It's worth the fight. It's worth taking the pills, even the wrong ones for a bit, it's worth going to the hospital if you have to. It's just….worth it!
It really is. Sometimes when you're in the thick of it, it's hard to see that finish line. But when you get there, you realize every tear was worth it.
Both of you, Kim & Pam, are amazing. All of you who are commenting are, too. Reading this post, and these comments, is giving me the chills. I am proud to be a part of this community.
Thank you for pouring your heart out, being vulnerable, and speaking your truth. It IS illness, and so few take the time to understand. So many minimize. So many judge and lack compassion. Your words are powerful. You are strong. You are a wonderful self advocate and an amazing encourager. *HUG*
Thank you so much Frelle. I always worry about talking about this because it's hard for others to understand this when they have not experienced it. But the more I talk, the more I hear from others that I'm not alone in this.
It's a dark, dark place but you came through it and you encourage others who are there to come through it as well! xoxo
I think it's fantastic that everyone in this community whether you're days or weeks or months in your diagnosis and even those who survived it, all still come together to support one another.
It's a beautiful thing.
Here I sit with tears rolling down my cheeks because Kimberly put into words what I fought for years. Healthy with 3 children now, it almost seems like a distant memory. Some days I don't stop smiling long enough to remember how bad it once was.
I am so so SO happy for you! You are a testament that this illness can be beat.
Tears rolling down my cheeks too! I have 2 beautiful girls and a little boy on the way. I know I will fight the fight again very soon. But he will be worth every demon I have to slay…
THANK YOU FOR BEING BRAVER THAN I WILL EVER BE FOR POSTING THIS. Thank you for sharing what so many of us feel to ashamed to do and making me feel normal. Finally someone that "gets" me, my struggle and my life! Thank you a million times over – i finally belong!
I am so glad that you connected with this. I held this feeling in the pit of my gut for a very long time. I now realize that it wasn't me, it was my illness. That period of time was controlled by PPD. It was not me. It's not who I was/am as a person and mother. It doesn't define you either.
Thank you for sharing your story. It brings me hope. ..Hope that I too will one day be sick to my stomach when I think about the fact that I once hated my baby, hated my role as mommy, hated my life and all that was in it, and wished I could go to sleep and never wake up again. ..Hope that my life will one day be overflowing with love and joy at the sight of my child, and feel without any reserve that it was worth every second. ..Hope that I will be able to somehow remember some of the good times [if ever there were any] rather than dwelling on the painful misery and despair that robbed me of the joy I thought I was entitled to as a new mom. ..Hope that I will not feel guilty about it all, but know that it was the terrible illness in me that controlled every part of my being. ..Hope that my baby will forgive me for not loving him. ..Hope my husband will not blame me for causing such damage to our relationship, almost destroying our marriage, and causing so much disruption in our lives. ..Hope that I will be a better person, and that our marriage and our family and also my relationship with God will be stronger and closer than ever before because of what I went through. I hope. ..oh, I hope…
I got help when my daughter was 5 months old, and it took until she was 13 months for me to feel slightly "normal" again. I didn't use medication but sought therapy and support from friends and God. I learned from my therapist that the worst PPD symptoms will start around 3 months and can last up to a year. Don't give up hope. Talk to people about it. You are not alone.
Hope is such a powerful powerful thing. Never let that go. Even on your worst day, think of all the women who have beaten this. You can too. Fight with all you have.
You will be well again.
Your baby will love you to the moon and beyond. Your his/her momma. Even though you may not feel it, you love your baby because you are fighting.
I'm longing for the day when I can say "it was worth it!"
You'll get there Linda. Keep fighting.
I keep reading "it will get better" it has been 7 horrible months, I just want to love my baby boy… he deserves much better than me…..
Dont say that Angelica – he does deserve you – you are just going through a really hard time – dont make it worse by being so hard on yourself. I suffered terribly and am on medication at the moment – if you want to chat to me or need a life line – you can email me. dee_gemme@yahoo.ca HUGS – stay strong – you are worth it!
Hang in there Angelica! I've been there!! I was there for 19 long months. It was horrible. And I never thought I'd be the one saying "hang in there" to another person! –That's just proof right there that YES, it does get better!! So hang in there!!
You will!! I've been there. It took me 8 months to finally admit I needed help. It changed my life. You'll get there. You do love him, it's just the PPD makes it hard sometimes to appreciate that love.
thanks for your words….
You will most definitely get there even if that finish line seems miles away at times.
Everyones recovery is different. It took me almost 10 months to turn away from the dark and start to run for the light.
You can do this.
You are strong.
You're worth it.
This is beautifully written & brought tears to my eyes. I wish I had been more honest about my feelings as a brand new mom– and I very much wish I had found help. It didn't become clear to me that I had probably gone through postpartum depression or anxiety until my son was well over a year old. And even now, I feel SO guilty for not having that instant deep loving connection to him. I wish I had stumbled across this blog 22 months ago– it is so helpful to know there is light at the end of the tunnel.
It wasn't your fault. It was the illness. I know that some moms without PPD have troubles bonding too. It's ok. Because all relationships take time to grow and build that love. And when you get there it's worth it.
This is so similar to how I felt, too. I hated motherhood. I couldn't understand why anyone would want to be a mother. I resented how happy I was when I was pregnant and how happy other new moms were. I waited 8 months to get help but am so glad I did. I've finally noticed that I LOVE MOTHERHOOD.. This is a big step for me!
Did you find it completely confusing? I can remember just thinking "What the hell happened? I waited for this…now I don't want it"…it was an awful thing to go through mentally and emotionally.
I'm so glad that you're loving motherhood!
I am 8 months out now, and I still have days when I want to hide under the bed and cry. I am on meds and have pretty much everything under control, but the hatred was never towards my son. It was for myself. Feeling like I had walked into someone else's life. A dream, but not the good kind. I loathed myself to my very core for being such an unworthy, horrible, disqusting mother. A sense of non reality set in and I walked around like a pure zombie for a month. BUT…and yes, there's always a BUT…I got better. Not overnight. But I am alomost 100% now days. PPD/A is a thief. I feel robbed of the first 6 months of his life because I either don't remember them, or they were the most horrific times OF MY LIFE! Not worthy of remembering. I don't know how or when but I KNOW it gets better. I am living (thankfully) proof.
You describe how I felt exactly. Not only did I hate motherhood but myself as well. But after reading articles and this blog I knew that the thing to hate was the illness.
I'm not sure if I'll ever not be angry for what this illness robbed me of, but I'm thankful that it helped to shape me as a stronger person. "Terrrible twos" had nothing on this momma 😉
It sure does get better. Keep fighting!
I totally get this. I was shocked about how weird and disconnected I felt those first weeks. I'd waited for that moment and here it was and I was in a state of panic and wanted to just curl up in my bed and let someone else take care of her. Then I felt bad b/c I thought "what kind of mother does that?" But the love came. It came slowly but it did.
"that moment"…I waited for it too. God did I ever. I can't recall if there was an exact moment. Just like you it came slowly…then it blew my socks off
Kim, I friggin' love you.
I friggin love you too 😉
I'm with Lindsay… I love you too. xo.
Bless you for helping women realize that they are normal for not feeling normal. That those shadows that seem to hang over their heads can be cleared. For exposing this disease for the sneaky, unaccepted thing that it is… sister love helps.
Especially when it's from a sister like you…
Thank you so much Lindsay!
Your support means the world.
It is great to here someone who has worked through her postpartum depression. For those who are still struggling, I found a website (http://OnlineCEUcredit.com/edu/postpartum-ppd) that offers great ideas about treatment options. Hope it is helpful.
Thank you very much for this post. I felt very similarly. I had extreme joy during pregnancy and couldn't wait for my daughter to be born. And, then, after her birth the crying turned into uncontrolled anxiety and overwhelming sadness. I didn't want to be a mom and felt very guilty for it. So I'm thankful to know that others have felt the same way and that those currently feeling that way can know there is hope. It took me approx. 2 years and 4 months after her birth to feel like myself again. Now I feel great, have a lot of joy in parenting, and don't dread being alone w/ her like I once did. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so glad that you are able to enjoy your sweet toddler now. It's an amazing feeling isn't it?
As always, I'm in love with your honesty and transparency.
You? Are stunning (in every way).
Thank you so much friend. Thank you for supporting not only me but all these women who are in this battle.
Ditto.
Kimberly, you bring such a strong and inspiring voice to the illness that is PPD. I love you for writing this, for sharing your story and for triumphing through it.
Thank you so much for your support Alison! It means the world!
This is so strong and inspiring. I didn't experience any sort of PPD with Abbey, but I had moments after Dylan that worried me a little. Thank you so much for sharing and giving other women hope that it's ok to ask for help, that it's ok to find their own way to motherhood.
"it's ok to find their own way to motherhood"…exactly that. There is no right way. For those who had to crawl and fight our way "in" doesn't mean that we aren't less of a mother. It just took us a different way. But we all get there and it's worth it.
This is so beautifully written, Kim. I'm so thankful to you for your honesty, courage and vulnerability. You put into words what so many others are afraid to admit not only to the entire world but even to themselves.
I just know you are helping so many women by sharing your experiences.
Thank you so much Helene. I always worry about publishing this part of my PPD experience but it needs to be heard because there are so many other moms who felt/feel the exact same way.
Such hope you offer to others, to read so many comments of struggles and pain and then see the sharing and the outpouring of love and support.
This, this is when i love the blogosphere!
The blogsphere is and can be such a wonderful place of support. This community has helped me through more tough times than they'll ever know.
I suffered a post partum psychosis and severe PND followed when my son was 7 weeks old – it took me nearly 2 years to feel the love of my son (I lost those first 2 years of his life) but now, nearly 5 years later he is, my best friend. You do recover, however long it takes, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I am so sorry that you lost 2 years, but you are so right, no matter how long it takes you to recover…you will feel that love.
Kimberly, I am in awe of what you are doing here –
I love you and all of the mothers who are struggling here, struggling and suffering –
During my postpartum illness, I was brought right up to the edge of what I could endure – and I am VERY stoic –
I want to say that yes, the illness robs you of being able to enjoy your child and to enjoy life – but there are also hidden gifts within the illness, which morph you into a person with deep compassion, and busts open the heart to God and to the world.
These are the compensations which I feel my illness gave me. It may be difficult to see this now, but in retrospect, it may get easier.
Hope and blessings to you all –
You are absolutely right Janet. For me, I think this illness made me appreciate my son that much more. Each day is a blessing and was definitely worth fighting for.
Kimberly, what an inspiring post! I love the strength you put across, giving hope. When Vidur was born, what was thought a text-book case turned into an emergency cesarean as we went into trauma. I remember feeling scared that I'd never make a good mom. Ironically, my mother who lived with me, whom I love dearly, made me feel quite inadequate. That thought would make me guilty as hell. Then I'd be angry with myself for thinking like a moron. And it would go on and on, inside me, one negative feeling into another.
I was very lucky this lasted barely a couple of months – after which we became very busy with hospital visits for Mom, who was diagnosed with a lung fibrosis. I snapped out of my depression and got busy, managing home, hospital visits and a baby. And all was well. Although, once in a while, I must admit I would feel inadequate, once in a while. But that was because there was too much to do, and too little time.
Today, when I think of these things, I can't believe I was like that. 🙂 Reading posts like this makes me feel so much better. That weird feeling always sits somewhere inside the sub-conscious. I was too embarrassed to voice it.
Thank you for this post. Hugs, Vidya. You're making such a difference in peoples' lives! You're a grand person!
Oh Vidya, I am so sorry that you had gone through so much during that time. I had to receive a lot of validation from others in order to feel semi good at being a mom. When someone would comment or critize me for something, I automatically felt like I was inadequate, so I can't even imagine how you felt when your mom said those things.
Hugs.
As always Kim, it was such a touching post. This kind of post makes me so glad I'm a part of the blogging world. It's amazing the support system that is out there. You are such inspiration to all of us.
Thank you so much Stephanie. This community has helped me out more than they know…
**And there I was, with my dream in my arms and all I wanted was to put him back in his crib**
Kimberly, your voice is strong, powerful, beautiful, & honest.
I love that you are helping other women "KNOW" they are not alone.
Keep telling your story. Never be silent. Give Voice.
Love coming your way from Minnesota, hon. Xx kISSSS
Thank you so much friend. I always worry about posting this part of my recovery. Not a lot of mom's can relate to this. But the more I talk about it the more I hear that I'm actually not alone in these feelings.
Thank you for all of your support girl 🙂 xox
I felt this way with my 2nd child, and it took months for me to fall in love with him. When I did, oh boy, hook-line-sinker.
It's the worst feeling in the world…but when it hits? Whew…it blows you right out of your socks. Definitely worth fighting for.
Thank you for this post. It's this community of women brave enough to share their stories that give me hope and let me know I am not alone, weird or a bad mother. Your story is beautiful and encouraging.
You are most definitely not weird, or a bad mom…and you're never alone in this. There is a whole army behind you…
Kimberly is so right, ppd/ppa can make bonding very hard. But you can also bond beautifully and love motherhood and be ecstatic over welcoming your child…and fall stinking apart. And there are tons of amazing resources on this site for various situations.
Kimberly, thank you for sharing. Your love for your son shines through here and in so many of your blog posts.
Yes you are right in that there are various situations when it comes to experiencing PPD and I think it's important that we shed light on all of them so that we all don't feel so alone in our struggles.
When I started to like motherhood and the bonding started I was still falling apart inside. It took time. But it was worth it.
Reading this I couldn't help but to just sob as I look across the room at my sleeping angel, which at one time I was so excited to meet. I feel so much of what you wrote and it's breaking my heart. I feel like I'll never get out of this hole, but I'm sure trying my hardest. This feeling is quite honestly the hardest thing I've ever endured and I pray for the day I get past this.
you will get past it. one day it will be a distant memory. i'm 12 weeks into life with #2, so i can tell you from first hand experience YOU WILL HEAL! you are not alone!!!!
xoxo
Helene,
You will get out of that hole. I promise you that. Keep fighting every single day because it is worth it. You are worth it.
You are not a bad mom for not having those feelings. I didn't have any love towards him, and now me and my son are inseperable…heck, he even has to come into the washroom with me…I know that it hurts deeply, but I want you to remember that this is just a moment. You have the rest of forever to love on that baby.
Keep fighting. You're a good mom.
i love this. tears pricking my eyes. so much truth here, so much.
xoxo
Love you Grace. I cling to every #2 post of yours. You give me so much hope friend. xoox
Thank you so much for that story! I was diagnosed with PPOCD and have been fighting for the last 5 months trying everything in my power to get better. I can't wait until the day when I feel that love! That is what kills me the most. This illness has stolen so much for me but I wont give up! You give me hope 🙂
If only all women felt safe enough to be this honest.
Such a stigma when you don't hit the floor running with a child born.
I was right where you were, we need to let others know: recovery DOES happen.
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