I received this email from a Postpartum Progress reader yesterday, and she agreed to allow me to share it with you:
I am a PPD survivor who is over a year into recovery. My spouse wasn’t very supportive or understanding while I was sick and thought that I should just snap out of it. Anyway, fortunately I got through it and I am thankful every day that I can enjoy my children again but I continue to resent my husband even though he has apologized for being a jerk. I would like to know if there are other PPD survivors who experienced an unsupportive spouse/partner and how many of these survivors were able to forgive and forget.
GREAT question. Some women who go through a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder like postpartum depression have spouses who were unsupportive … either mildly or altogether horribly unsupportive. For many new fathers, their expectations of what life will be like with a newborn and how their wives or partners will behave or take to motherhood are not met. They may react with disappointment, or with anger, or by withdrawing. Some expect the mother to pull herself up by her bootstraps and tough it out. Some aren’t willing to pitch in to help. Some don’t believe in the types of treatment offered and demand the mother get over PPD all on her own. Often this is because they just don’t understand these illnesses and their consequences.
And then, of course, some people are just jerks.
While my husband was great with helping to care for our infant son, I will say he did have a hard time at the beginning understanding what was going on with me. He’d say “Other new dads I know don’t have to do all the stuff I’m doing. Why?” I imagine he resented how hard he had to work to take care of me and my son while at the same time holding down a full-time job. In the end, though, we both learned a lot about what was happening with me and he supported my PPD treatment and encouraged my recovery. I believe his initial confusion and frustration came out of a complete lack of knowledge about what was happening.
In terms of forgiveness, I’d say that’s something you have to do for yourself, because holding in anger will only make you miserable. I know it hurts to have a person you love not support you through the most awful times. It hurts terribly, but you need to do the things that will help you recover and let go of resentments. Talking to a therapist could be very helpful in this instance.
So, how did it go with your husband or partner? And, if things didn’t go so well, how did you reconcile that? How have you moved past it or forgiven him? Please share your thoughts and ideas.
My husband did not understand PPD until 2 nights ago. Our daughter is 8 months old. We were laying in bed and he said," Wow, babe. I didn't know that is was really that serious. I guess this PPD is real." ??????
I've been crying HELP for months now. He refused to really acknowledge that I might be sick. He was very good for saying things like, "You're just tired, babe" or "Ya know, you can be an @$$hole". Zoinks! He works, I stay home. He couldn't fathom how I could be so "out of sorts" when I had my dream job. Wow. I have a Type A personality so, in his eyes, the house wasn't in disarray and the bills were gettin' paid, so I was still my "old" self. Until I ran away from home for a couple of hours, leaving a crying baby, a disgruntled son, and no instructions. He understood. A little. That's better than before. Slow and steady wins the race.
I've begun blogging and talking openly with everyone in our circle about my PPD. He silently listens. I have caught him reading a random article or two I've kept posted on the desktop. I have no qualms about asking him for help, and he knows HE would be the @$$hole to not oblige me. He has seen glimmers of who I REALLY am and he wants to keep her happy. I am so glad you posted about this issue. I always remember Andrea Yates's lack of support and care to keep me passionate about the subject.
Wonderful topic – one that hits close to home for me.
I too had a great deal of animosity toward my partner and family for the way in which they seriously dropped the ball on me as I spiraled from postpartum depression into ppp (postpartum psychosis).
For the longest time I was like, you all nearly cost me my life and my child's life. I doubted they loved me; in fact, I came to seriously believe that they must hate me to have let me down in such a big way.
I sat for months (after being stable) in my psychiatrist's office always stuck on the same point: how could my family/partner fail me like this, etc.
Then after much prayer and reflection and just as my resentment hit an all time high, I suddenly saw what happened with my family and partner for what it was: ignorance.
Ignorance about this entire class of illness. And it hit me that this ignorance was not limited to my partner nor my family, but sadly, afflicts all of society.
To make a long story short, seeing it in this way is what made me want to educate others about this illness and is what has forced me to become a staunch advocate for increased awareness about postpartum mood disorders.
Miraculously, once I saw their behavior as being due to society's lack of ignorance (and not having anything to do with me in particular), the resentment and animosity just melted away.
Hope this helps shed some light on one way to forgive.
HK, you hit it on the head when you mentioned that you felt your partner nearly cost you and your child your lives. Exactly how I felt. Always wondering, "What if I hurt them? Myself? How will you feel that you didn't read the signs, or refuse to?"
I think I may ask him if he's ever looked at it that way. We are still a work in progress, ya' know.
Society's ignorance, lack of knowledge, indifference, and perception of motherhood contribute, for sure. I am so glad you accepted that this is the case and used it as a tool to help you to forgive.
Thanks for inspiring me today.
My husband was very unsupportive. I actually began with antepartum depression … and his response was to start an affair that continued after our first child's birth (including throughout my 34 hour labor and our son's stay in the NICU as he fought for his life) for almost an entire year. It took him filing for divorce and falsely taking custody of our infant son from me for him to learn about PPD and it's effects. We were able to reconcile and not divorce, but now I'm pregnant again and terrified of history repeating. We go to therapy together and I go by myself, and through this site and other resources we both have a greater understanding. But still … I'm somewhere far away from forgiveness, but it's not out of the question. Maybe someday, for the sake of my kids.
Our support group just started Family Nights, and with that showing a video about "PPD" to start the topics rolling. I think the dads are relieved to find out their spouse isn't "the only one" going through such a thing. AND the dads are finally getting some information as well as sharing with each other. I only wish my husband would attend, even if it has been years. I think even now, he might find some resolution and closure on that chapter in our lives. I want him to talk about his experience through it all but he won't. It's a bit of a barrier, still.
My story is a work in progress for forgiving. My ex-husband was not supportive of me at all. I was on bed rest almost my entire pregnancy and was so depressed just dealing with that. When my daughter was born, he completely broke away from me, withholding any support or affection. When I finally realized I was suffering from PPD, I began to grasp how alone I really was. He was working 15 hour days and not taking any part in the care of my daughter. I was doing all the work while suffering from debilitating PPD. It all came to a head one day and I drove to his work, dropped my daughter off with him, went home and tried to kill myself. It was all too much for me. I went into the hospital to start finally recovering and 10 days after I got out of the hospital, he asked me for a divorce. He took custody of our daughter and I moved to another state to live with my mom (and get much needed love and support) to start rebuilding my life. I have to fight him tooth and nail to get any visitation with my daughter-and each time we go to court, I am granted more and more time with my daughter. He tries to paint a picture of me that is horrible and that I am not recovered. He remembers the old me and doesn't see the new me. I just graduated from nursing school and with my wonderful boyfriend, I am healing leaps and bounds. As for forgiving my ex-husband, I am not there yet. His lack of support and love nearly killed me and it destroyed my life for many years. The road to recovery has been long and painful, but it is WORTH IT. I am not afraid to tell my story and I hope by doing so, I can help other women. I know my final stage of complete healing will have to be forgiving him. I know with time, it will happen-if not for me, then for my wonderful daughter.
I am glad that I am not the only one with an unsupportable spouse. A few of my friends with ppd, have husbands that are fully supportive. I do think that my husband doesn't understand it fully. He does think I should just "get over it". My problem is, he won't even learn about it. He won't read articles, he won't go to counseling with me. I have asked him to be home more and he says he will try but doesn't. (He is a tax preparer and can make is own schedule). So what do you do when you literally have no one for support?
Wow, this is a wonderful discussion, thank you for bringing it. I am grateful to report that my husband has been better at understanding the PPD than I, and he has always advocated strongly for me. I never would have gone to the hospital if not for him. He is amazing. He also has been living with severe bipolar disorder for 15 years and is permanently on disability with the disease, so he had a lot of previous knowledge. In my experience there are so many misconceptions and myths surrounding mental illness that unless someone has had to deal with it before and truly educate themselves, they are not likely to move into understanding quickly. My brothers and my mom still doubt the validity of my illness, I think, and that hurts, but thank god for my husband and his help. Now that we both live with mental illness, it is definitely an experience! But we are doing great. I think through work like this website more education is being brought into the mainstream so that hopefully our daughters will not have the same struggles.
My husband is amazing. I will say that.
But he had a VERY hard time understanding what was going on with me & the severity. When I said things like, "I want to shoot the dog," he would laugh instead of taking me seriously. When I said I hated life & wanted to stop existing, he'd roll his eyes & tell me I was being silly.
Until my psychiatrist called him & had a "Come To Jesus" talk with him. & said, "Your wife is VERY, VERY SICK." They talked inpatient. They talked meds. & she scared the reality of PPD/PPA into him.
From then on, he started going to my therapy appointments & that's when he REALLY started getting it. I am blessed to not be married to a jerk & for all of the things he is doing to help me recover. I know it is hard on him, too. So it's easy to forgive.
A husband also struggles when his wife has PPD. & I think that's something we should keep focus on. Healing ourselves, making our health a priority, but remembering that there are other people that exist in this world.
Great discussion! Both times with my ppd/ppa, my husband was a little clueless but if he was given a task, "get my meds", "find a therapist", "call a friend to come over", he could handle it, otherwise I felt he was absent during most of my illness. We did the second child, however, hire a post partum doula and have an EXTRAORDINARILY good friend who would come and stay with me, overnight…sometimes several days while my husband travelled. I don't think he ever completely "got" what I was going through but he was willing to do whatever it took to get his wife back so he enlisted a large support group and I do appreciate him for that:)!
This is a great topic to discuss as I think probably a lot of women experience these feelings from their husband when they are battling PPD – the "what's WRONG with you?"; the "just get over it" and the "are you crying AGAIN?!" are tough to deal with.
My husband was no different. But he has definitely come to the realization that I am MORE MYSELF now, while taking Celexa everyday.
I'm so glad you found the insight you needed to be able to forgive. This is a very tough illness for anyone who isn't going through it to understand. It is so easy to be angry for a long time when people you care about let you down. Sometimes I get mad, but most of the time I realize they really couldn't even begin to comprehend what I was going through. It's funny how much of the time people don't get it until after the fact. But as long as they are getting it at some point I'm happy.
That is an excellent idea!! It would be cool if they even had a night where it was the dads only exchanging ideas about how to help their wives and also letting off some steam.
I agree. I think this is the situation more often than not. Even the best, most supportive husbands still look at their wives wondering what the hell has happened.
You make a great point. I think one of the best things psychiatrists can do is have a session with the husband and lay it on the line. Often a person in a white coat can make a very credible, and for whatever reason more believable, argument as to why what's happening to the wife/partner is very serious business. I've seen this work with others as well.
And yes, the dads do suffer when we are sick. It's very confusing and painful for them, and they need support as well. There's a great book for that: It's called "The Postpartum Husband" by Karen Kleiman and is addressed to the dads.
What a gift that your husband had the experience to understand the seriousness of what you've gone through.
My husband was unsupportive even though he worked in medicine for a long time and the company he worked for makes the med I'm on. He discouraged me from seeking 2nd and 3rd opinions when I thought the psychiatrist was over medicating me. He told me I ruined his holiday because I was sick while we visited his family and I begged him to take me to a competent doctor. He finally did and I began to get better. He only apologized after I recovered and I broke down one day during an argument and told him off. I even contemplated leaving but we have two kids. I only ever got a half-hearted apology. To this day I always remind him that he was such a jerk when I needed him the most. Thanks for posting your experiences, now I know I'm not alone.
I don't think I'll ever forget what hell my ex-husband put me thru. Ignorance is bliss and he CHOSE ignorance because he couldn't be bothered to consider that it wasn't all about him.
I'm so sorry to hear that. Don't feel that you are alone in that experience though. There are some spouses who just never get, or who don't want to. I realize it's probably not much comfort, but please know that WE love you.
Has your psychiatrist requested that he come in for a meeting? Some times that works.
Do you live in a place that has a support group? It's not as helpful certainly as having a spouse or partner in the same home who can always be there for you, but it could help having other women in the same situation to commune with.
Sometimes you wish you could just punch someone in the groin, don't you?
I'm so so glad that you are getting support through therapy and that he's also going with you. I can't blame you for fearing a repeat of the situation. I would feel the same way. Just keep doing what you are doing as it sounds like you are very proactive when it comes to your mental health.
Thanks Katherine. The anger is something I just can't shake off. It has been 4 years, but it feels like yesterday. I am glad you posted this topic. There is one thing that PPD does, and that is it makes one feel so totally alone in their pain. I realize now I am not alone! Thanks so much! 🙂
Bad mummy, I know exactly what you are saying! Even a year ago, he told me that I probably didn't have PPD anyways, I'm just crazy. I just couldn't believe it! I mean, I could, but I couldn't! To feign ignorance is so much easier than for better for worse, in sickness and in health.
Great topic and it comforts me to know that I'm not the only one with a husband who is clueless. I've been suffering from PPD and depression since our first child over 6 years ago. During that time, my husband withdrew and left me to deal with my "issues" on my own. I'll never forget one night trying to share with him my pain and his response was to say, "isn't there a mother's group you could join to talk about your problems?" He definitely does not like to acknowledge even the existence of emotional problems, preferring instead that we all act happy, smile and laugh at his jokes. After our third child, he finally accepted that I have PPD but now uses this to invalidate everything I say. Now that he sees me as mentally ill, he thinks that my perspective, opinions and decisions are not trustworthy or credible. He often micromanages what I do at home all the while STILL unwilling and/or unable to maintain honest communication with me. Having an unsupportive and ignorant husband definitely makes having PPD worse.
My partner kept saying to me, you just need more sleep. But more sleep did not come for a long time and when it did, I was not better. Finally I convinced her with books and web info that my "mood swings" were not going to clear up with herbs, accupunture, vitamins, and projesterone. I could not live through another month that ended in me really convinced that she and our baby would be better off with out me. It was either drugs or padded walls, in either case I needed help. We had gone through 10 months of hell. She the "good" mom, me the evil milking monster mom. Something broke in our relationship that has yet to be fixed. I can't seem to let go of a few pivital moments, like when she turned to me and said "just grow up." Or the time when she basically deducted that if I have controlled my rages enough to come short of hurting our child, I should be able to control the rages all together. Or the times when she would say, I just don't understand how you can get angry at this innocent being. Because of time and money constraints we have not gone to therapy. I am not sure it would help. I forgive her these moments. We all were doing the best we could. But this forgiveness does not allow for closeness. My heart is encased in guilt, shame and distrust of myself and of her. After a 1/2 year on zoloft, we can laugh and be in joy and love of our child. But closeness beyong cuddeling makes me feel anxious and ready to flee. How do we get back to that place. How do my heart and head make peace?
I'm so sorry to hear of your experience. I think there are definitely certain people who try to use someone's psychiatric diagnosis as an advantage, diminishing them. Maybe you could get him to speak with your psychiatrist to see that PPD is temporary and doesn't affect who you are underneath as a person. You are a valid human being with valid opinions and perspectives.
This makes me so sad. I can see how your
experience would negatively impact intimacy and don't blame you one bit for the fears you
have now.
It is very hard to be close to someone who
isn't truly there for you and 100% supportive
during your most desperate times. I wish
you were able to seek out therapy to help repair this rift. I do think it's possible as long as both people are fully willing to do
the work that is needed.
I'm going through this RIGHT NOW! I hate my boyfriend for not acknowledging his role in this, putting it all on me, and having the nerve to smile at me and try getting his allotment of affection. What's worse is I went through this with my ex husband and ended up in the hospital on suicide watch. The biggest thing they both have in common is the inability to want to help. Like many of you have dealt with, it's a combination of ignorance, negligence, and self-righteousness. HATE IT! It's all I can do to just stay put and try not to check out too early. I never forgave my ex, and don't know how to deal with the repeat of the chaos. Some part of me wonders if they deserve forgiveness.
Great topic. My husband wasn’t unsupportive or unhelpful in anyway. The problem was that he didn’t even notice. I told him what was going on, discussed my medications and therapy and he would just comment that he didn’t notice any of the things I was dealing with. I would just stop and wonder how it’s possible that I’ve never felt worse in my whole life and he just doesn’t even notice.
Yeah, This was an issue. My husband didn’t get it, he thought it was just sleep depravation. Granted, I wasn’t at all honest about what I was really going through. I kept trying to “Tom Cruise” my way out of it. When I ended up hospitalized after the birth of our second, then he really woke up. But again, he didn’t know how much I was suffering. I learned in therapy how to communicate my needs without allowing myself to feel guilt and overall, the experience was really good for our marriage, which sounds so strange, but we are much closer as a result of my illness. I’ve forgiven him because we were both at fault.
Unfortunately, I don’t think members of my family will ever let it go. But they don’t live here so ….
I have postpartum PTSD, which is really difficult for even my closest friends to understand. My husband understands the importance of taking care of one’s mental health, and the day I became over the top ill, he came home from work and stopped everything to make sure he knew it mattered to him. Still, even he does not really understand the traumatic stress part. After all, he was in the room when she was born too, and was a lot less traumatized.
My biggest struggle with my partner is that I feel like my feelings about my daughter’s birthday have a big impression on him. I need us both to one day talk about her birth as the best thing that happened to us, even though it came with a lot of struggle. I don’t want him to think of it in his heart as the day his wife went crazy or the day our family’s health went out the window.
My husband thought he wasn’t in love with me anymore and left me and got a girlfriend not long after he turned to for comfort, a friend he had been confiding in about how awful things were with me before. Before he left he worked all the time to avoid me which put more work on me. Once I got help after he left and he realized what was wrong with me, he wanted to work things out so we were on again off again while he was with the girlfriend and was lying to both of us and I found out and we eventually filed for divorce but he stopped it at the last minute and finally fought for me. Before all of this we were high school sweethearts and had always been really happy until we had our first child and I gradually became a monster in his eyes, but he had no idea what was wrong with me or how to deal with it and neither did I until he left and then everyone including me finally knew something was wrong with me. Anyways, we worked things out, he actually got saved and converted to Christianity in the midst of it and our marriage is now stronger than ever, so I think if we can survive all of that anyone can survive it. Hang in there!
This is what I struggle with so much. I have written and spoken about this in my own personal story. My ex-husband used my PPD against me, left me at my biggest time of need and took my daughter away from me. He has spent time and energy trying fruitlessly the past 7 years to keep me out of my daughters life for no reason at all. He hates me and all I can pin it to is that I got sick with an illness that was temporary and he couldn’t handle supporting me. What are we to do without the support of loved ones? Especially the ones who vow to stick by your side through “sickness and health” and take off when you need them the most? This hurts me still to this day, that ultimate rejection and the pain of all the years of fighting and defending myself that I have had to do. I find it hard to forgive him, but for the sake of my daughter I am trying. I just hope he can find it in himself someday to forgive me as well. Thank you for this post. I am so thankful I am not alone. Stay strong all my postpartum moms!!!
Thank you for posting this article! I really needed to hear that I’m not alone on this. My husband is wonderful, and I love him with all of my heart. But I don’t think he really understands postpartum mental disorders are as serious as they are.
I suffered from severe postpartum panic disorder, which lead to depression because the panic attacks were so consuming that I did not want to love anymore.
After several days of not eating, I ended up in the mental health ward at our hospital for a week. My husband did not understand at all. He kept trying to force me to eat, to go out. I know he just wanted me to get better, but it just fueled my depression because I saw how I was not able to take care my family and I felt worthless.
When I called him and told him the doctor was admitting me, he said to me “what did you do now?” In a hurtful tone. And while I was in the hospital everytime I would call him or he would come to visit all he would do was ask when I was coming home And he kept telling me the kids are asking for me ( I had two other girls, 2 and 5). It broke my heart even more. He would also complain about not knowing how to pay our bills and what not because that was my job.
It got to the point were the nurses asked me if I wanted him to come visit because when he would leave I would be crying hysterically and upset.
I also discovered later on that he was meeting women in chatrooms and what not during this time.
It’s been 6 months since this all happened, and he still has not apologized. I don’t know if I have forgiven him or just tried to shove it all in the back of my mind. I know a lot has to do with him not understanding and the fact that society does not really touch on ppd much.
I think life is too short for us not to forgive. If we aren’t getting support from our spouses, we can turn to other survivors. The important thing is not to let they’re reactions get in the way of our recovery.
I dealt with a similar situation… I ended up leaving due to other circumstances. It was all just too much. Through marriage counseling he saw that what I was dealing with was an illness and not a choice I was making. I forgave him and he is supportive now. I am only about 3 weeks into a consistent recovery but he’s been amazing. Men don’t have the alacrity to understand what we are going through and it comes out in frustration and anger. In time forgive him and it may take marriage counseling for him to see how much he hurt you by not being supportive.
My husband really did not understand PPD at the time I was the sickest, which was in 2007-2009. During this time he orchestrated a plan of him taking off with both children out of state. He left a week before Easter and I did not find out where he was until a week before the 4th of July. He literally saved up money and boarded a plane with my kids and just left. I was crushed! He filed a court case in another state, saying I was “abusing” the children by having PPD around them and not loving the baby enough. Fortunately, I rallied my inner strength and walked into that court room and told that judge exactly what was going on. The judge saw through my husbands plan and ordered the children be given back to me at once. Fortunately, this was the turning point in my recovery. I believe it was my ability to finally see what I had to lose. Now I am a very happy, divorced mother who would give anything for her children. I still to this day am having a hard time forgiving my ex. I know he thought he was doing the right thing, but I am angered that he was not more supportive and instead criticized and ridiculed me. He went on to try and use my illness in our divorce as a reason why he should get full custody of our kids. Now, granted I had a pretty bad case of PPD, but I think I would have recovered a bit faster if I had had his support. No mom deserves to lose her children because of PPD. I remember my daughters first words when I went to pick up her and her brother after the 3 months out of state: “Mommy, you didn’t leave me!”
Things are really much better now, but just yesterday my husband said to me “I was questioning whether or not you were a good mom when you were hurting yourself” this struck a nerve. But he has every right to feel that way. He knows now that it was a form of self medicating, but he was scared for his baby and for me. He said after that shocker… “You are a good mom and have been through a rough year and a half.” I was reading a journal entry from right after I left him. I was so sick and so angry with him being unsupportive… But now I know it was the best thing for us. He was still able to see the baby whenever and we dated during that time. His understanding of PPD has made it do much easier for me to forgive him. I’m going through something at work where my ppd was used as a scape goat for issues and he has been extremely supportive, so much so that I actually cry tears of joy sometimes.
I didnt know what was wrong with me and it took my partner leaving me witn a 3 week old baby to finally realise. I’m not getting treatment but he refuses to acknowledge it. He won’t talk to me, read emails or speak to health professionals. He’s just run away. I’m left raising a baby and 3 kids on my own whilst struggling with the depression too. I hate him right now but know he’s only behaving like it because he doesn’t understand the illness. This has to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I’m sorry to hear this, Amanda. I’m sure it’s very hard to have 3 kids and a baby by yourself while also struggling with PPD. I hope you have the opportunity to see a counselor or social worker in your area to help you work through these feelings, perhaps suggest some good local resources that could help support you, and maybe give you some good tools to help get you through this time.
~ K
I was only diagnosed with PPD when my daughter was 10.5 months and it actually started when she was about 4 months old. My husband basically withdrew. I felt neglected both emotionally and physically in addition to the depression. He refused to be intimate with a person who was yelling, angry and insulting, which made it even worse. When I was finally diagnosed I was told to stop breastfeeding and was put on medication, unfortunately the damage has been done. I talked to my husband but he just didn’t respond and acted like I was some crazy woman, I ended up leaving and living with my parents. We went to a marriage counseling from the time my daughter was 4 months for about 8 months. I even apologized quite a few times, because I knew how badly his feelings were hurt. He told me he can’t forgive me and that he can’t take me back unless I basically guarantee that it won’t happen again. I tried to explain to him that I didn’t want this to happen, that I wasn’t in control of it, but he just doesn’t seem to understand. I mean I didn’t even realize it was happening to me until my mom and sister told me I should see a doctor. I understand he feels and acts like a victim, but I was a victim as well and not by choice. I really wish he would understand and I’m just so sad that the person who I loved so much was so quick to think that I would purposely hurt him and still refuses to forgive me. I think its time for me to forgive myself.
PPD is so hard on the whole family and our partners often have no idea what is happening to us or that it’s not our fault. Sending you hugs, Helen.
I rarely post on any forum, but oh my… I am over a year postpartum and I just realized I have PPD. I googled “1 year postpartum and still pissed”, haha. It never even occurred to me. It’s intermingled with a lot of other complicating factors, but the description of a feeling of spiraling down, severe mood swings, and seemingly unsurmountable resentment all strike a chord. I’ll try to tell my story in short, as it really helps me to hear that I’m not alone and I hope to return the favor and shed some albatross feathers. I told my beloved husband I was pregnant reluctantly (after his poor reception of a pregnancy announcement that ended in miscarriage previously.) His reception of this was slightly less poor… slightly. And he spent my pregnancy telling me he didn’t want to be a dad (yes, we’d had the prerequisite discussions years before and he hadn’t taken such a staunch stance then), sleeping as far away from me in bed as possible, and refusing to participate in anything that had to do with an impending life change. In addition to this, I had just come off of an extreme career high to find myself unemployed in my line of work and facing my “unmarketability” due to my pregnancy. So I took back an old job, that I knew I would be unhappy with, because I was offered it and I needed the money and health insurance. And at the same time, I had been elected president of a chapter of my professional society (bfd… I’d rather be happily employed in my profession), and I was in charge of planning the annual conference with no standing committee to help me out. Then I had the baby (hubby attended the birth, which was good), quit my job and took a work-from-home job not in my career field, and found out I had cancer… and my husband decided hunting and sleep were his most important activities for the first few months of my child’s life. This was actually good, since I basically moved in with his parents during that time. They were very very supportive and we bonded quite deeply. Since then, my husband has become progressively a very attentive and wonderful father. He loves his child and he loves me (so far). But I still find myself moving further down the spiral of resentment while knowing that it will be me who will proximately and ultimately destroy our marriage. It makes me so sad and frightened to have such mounting anger inside. I recently started a fight with my husband just to get him to say ANYTHING about… what?… us, I suppose (this is very uncharacteristic of me). And that’s when I decided I needed therapy. So I’ve been to two sessions and PPD has yet to be mentioned, but I’m bringing it up next session. It won’t solve everything, but it sounds like it could be the linchpin of this “pretty hate machine”. I hope there’s a future of successful marital counseling and happy (though that word seems foreign to me right now) days ahead… Thanks.
three years after the birth of my son, this is now the very issue my husband and i are attempting to resolve. PPD was diagnosed a few weeks after a traumatic birth and complications after, which required surgery, made worse by childhood trauma, and, a period of infertility and infertility treatments immediately before getting pregnant with our son.
after the birth, the weight of PPD was tremendous, and until i started taking medications (reluctantly), things were only getting worse….fatigue, isolation, constant alertness and anxiety, suicidal thoughts. my husband, who, by most people’s measure, would pass for a nice guy, was a complete dummy in this period. his expectations relative to my mothering early were not met, and i think he never really knew what he was supposed to or expected to do. he left it all to me. in those early days, he abandoned me as a partner and a spouse, while my body was essentially rotting, and mind reeling from PPD.
Over the last few years, he has made leaps and bounds in terms of his share of the load of having our child, but our relationship has never recovered. I can’t seem to forgive him for how non supportive,absent he was and how long it took him to grow up and share the burden of raising our son.
I am profoundly changed by PPD and firmly believe our relationship will never be the same. It seems like we will have to separate before things get better, if at all. We began couple’s therapy recently, but have hardly talked about the PPD; more time is spend on how our dynamic is currently. i know it will be covered, but to tie it to the original post, i am not sure how to forgive. He’s apologized, and said the right things, although frequently combines this with his own feelings of resentment toward me for lack of affection, not feeling/expressing love for him, etc.
if forgiveness is possible, we are still stumbling to get there.
My husband does not understand even though it has been explained to him, even though I was admitted to the hospital for 48 hrs to make sure I did not hurt myself. It hurts. I have a pretty severe case and have absolutely no support system. No family, no friends, no one to lean on or give me a break. My husband feels being a stay at home mom is not work. He honestly believes I just lay in bed all day. My 17 month old hit a growth spurt and is a lot taller, very noticeable in his high water pants that were once dragging the floor, so he is skinnier my husband had the nerve that I do not feed my kids… We have 3 ages 3, 17 months, and 6 months… I have gained so much weight and have literally let myself go. I barely get by each day. I do not neglect my kids at any point. I have days where I don’t even get to take even a 5 minute shower. My husband works fulltime, and when he is home he is attached to his phone looking at facebook and craigslist and youtube. Sorry…. I have nowhere to vent where I am not judged. I have been dealing with this alone, without meds or any treatment since I was put in the hospital in September. I feel hopeless and desperate. I threw away all pills that could hurt me month ago for the strong urge to end it all because I feel like a failure as a mother even though 2 of my 3 kids are happy and healthy, the oldest is a nightmare thanks to his grandparents and aunts. He was spoiled rotten for a year by them all to the pointwhere he quit listening to me and now calls his grandmother mom. He even tells me sometimes that he doesn’t love me, only his dad and her. That she’s his mom and I’m not. It’s all so difficult and despite being on birth control and taking it without missing once, I may be pregnant again. I can’t be, I cant have another baby again so soon. I am against abortion and adoption is unthinkable, how would I explain in 18 years why I gave them away but kept their brothers and sister… I feel so lost….T
Teresa – I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through. Can you schedule and appointment with a therapist? Help is available and you can get better. Talking with a professional and creating a plan to fight your depression could be life changing for you. You don’t have to suffer like this forever. Consider reaching out. You deserve to feel better.
I had made appointments in the past to be seen after they let me out of the hospital. I was taking antidepressants since a month before my daughter was born because my dr and I were seriously concerned I could suffer ppd with all I had going on. I have no one to watch my kids while I go to the dr. My husband’s work schedule doesn’t allow him to be home and he can’t take a day off. If he asks for a day off, they will eventually look for reasons to let him go. I’m not making excuses. I want to be seen, I want to be well. I want to be passed this hell that my life has become. I have reached out to so many people in my life for help, everyone just ignores it. I tried to be proactive and get a handle on it before it got too bad. But I was in Oregon and came to Nevada. I had a year’s RX while in Oregon and my sister was always “too busy” to run a couple blocks over to Walmart to pick up my rx, I ended up going 2 weeks without the meds, that’s when I decded to go to the ER, I didn’t expect to be admitted. I expected I’d be seen, prescribed the meds, and back on my way home. Instead I spent 2 days in the psych ward. I have gained so much weight because of this depression. I have seen myself deteriorate and my husband like a lot thinks I should just snap out of it, that I’m just being lazy… thank you for your response. I keep searching for a way to be able to get to the dr, if you saw how close I am to the dr’s office, but sooo far away because of not having anyone to watch my 3 kids while I go…it’s insane.
hi im a grandmother to 4 new babys as all 4 of my daughters fell pregnant one after other three have been fine but one she was suffering depresion while pregnant i tried to talk to her partner about his behaviour towards my daughter and what he was doing in making her feel worse he was lazy never done nothing around the home left her wiv no money or food as he seaid he needed it more caused arguments threw her out of flat it never sunk in she had a bad birth but first few weeks she was coping then i noticed how tired she was nd down nd all she would say was my baby hates me i cant cope my daughters baby has been ill since birth nd no one taken her serious nd he cries a lot nd it is a painful scream her partner says its her as a mother of 6 children i sufferd wiv postnatel deppresion after my last one was born so i was able to pick up on her straight away she listened to me went docters got medacation nd she goes to a group to talk when her partner at work my children are very close so when i told the others they to have been amazing help until week ago when my daughters partner had a right go at her sed she was mentaly abusing his son nd there nothing wrong nd he cant trust her wiv baby cus it her who makes him cry all time i found out today after whole week of us all trying to speak to her nd see her she been hiding in bedroom ashamed of herself beleving what he sed he wouldnt answer door nd he answerd phone nd would say we couldnt speak to her nd hang up on us she went to my eldest for hr nd told her everything she in turn told me im going to see her as soon as he back at work tuesday i hate him for all he has done nd my grandson is 7 monthes hes never botherd wiv him nd leaves him in chair to cry so the poor little mite hasnt had it easy nd my daughter has sufferd enough from wat he has done to her iv been sat cying my eyes out hurting inside shes my baby nd areay is my daughters baby so part of me i want to protect her but feel helpless i want to rip him apart he wont get away wiv it as i will take him aside nd tell him straight nd show him the sights nd make him read them i just hope his skull isnt so thick that it dnt have a brain i can never 4give him nd when my daughter better i dnt think she will b able to he will b lucky if she evan stays wiv him im just greatful that she does listen to me nd nos to phone me to talk bout how she feeling or she goes straight to my eldest daughter who up rd from her if bad then my son runs me to her straight away i love all my kids evan though my youngest 20 nd a mum if they hurt then i hurt
Julie, I’m sorry your daughter and your family have been going through this. It sounds like you are all very supportive and will do whatever you can to help. It would be good for your daughter to see a counselor or therapist that can help her work through how to deal with her partner. If she decides to stay in this situation, she will need a lot of professional advice and support.
Yes, we hurt when our kids hurt. I’m sorry. If you feel that your daughter may be in danger, please call authorities for help.
I was doing really well (I felt) for first few months with my beautiful baby girl. Being a mom, running our businesses from home, managing the guests we have staying. All with the help of my husband, who works a FT job as well. He really did pick up and help with so much and has since I’ve been pregnant. I know I struggled with mild depression during my pregnancy yet all in all, I only stayed in bed completely down for about 7 days. I’ve struggled off and on since I was a teen with depression (years of bulimia were in there too) and through yoga, meditation, nutrition and exercise I was able to stabilize and live a mostly happy existence.
My spiral into PPD started 3 weeks ago today. The girl who had been helping me around the house and with baby, went away to school. I was so tired I thought, cool I can sleep in for one week and not teach anyone yoga. It was in that week of “sleeping in” that I really didn’t sleep in because it’s never deep sleep and I just stayed in bed, sad, crying (if I weren’t too numb to draw up tears) and finally I started reading about PPD. I went through another week or two of it before I reached out to my midwife. I met with her last Thursday and promised to reach out to other mothers with children for playdates, to eat (I really have to force myself although I eat very healthy), to see a therapist and try other healing modalities (craniosacral, acupuncture, etc). I haven’t told my husband about any of these recent appointments, except for my midwife. When he asked how it went, I said it was good and kind of left it at that. There’s a lot that has led up to my limited updates with him.
Prior to feeling this way, if you caught me on 95% of my days, I would say my husband is amazing. He is filled with love, wants me to always be happy, is an adventurer and explorer, hard worker, loyal husband. Since feeling PPD, I can no longer honestly say that and I don’t know if this will all go away and those feelings will return after I heal from PPD. I’m terrified that I won’t be able to forgive the words he says in anger when he is frustrated about me not wanting to have sex, when he says that I’m never happy, that I’ve tricked him and am no longer the person he fell in love with, that he didn’t sign up to live a life like this, that he can’t stand laziness. He acts as though I can snap out of it and has said repeatedly, “just keep moving forward.” I know he wants me to be healthy again yet I’m feeling extreme amounts of resentment that the one person closest to me can’t be counted on to share my most intimate feelings and fears.
He helps out with chores, outdoor tasks of feeding all of our animals, watering our acreages, etc. He takes baby (she is now 15 weeks today) almost every morning for 1 hour before he goes to work so I can get atleast 1 hour of deep sleep. He takes baby as soon as he gets home from work (yet many nights that is closer to 8pm). He wants me to spend time with them as a family so while I can take some time for myself, I get guilted for wanting to be alone and that I’m not putting any energy into him, the spouse… and that’s what is wrong with many woman after they have a child(ren).
I felt so guilty for all of this (and still do) yet I’m started to get really angry and amongst the thoughts of not wanting to be here, of my husband and daughter being better off without me, of crazy dreams and visions coming of bad things happening to my daughter and me… I’m now also having thoughts for the first time that maybe my husband and I won’t make it through this. I have everything I’ve ever wanted in my dreams, it’s all in my grasp and I can’t escape the numbness, crying, anger, death thoughts, inability to think clearly, utter cloud of PPD to follow through on it. Through all of this, I’ve never once been hostile towards my daughter. I’ve only ever been loving. I just fear that my sadness will impact her development. I have tons of friends and some family that want to help and I just don’t even know what to ask for.
Anyways, this was long… Thanks for listening/reading. Any comments are welcomed. 🙂
Oops… that comment about woman after having children isn’t from me… that’s my husband 🙂
Oh mama, you’re going through so much. It’s going to get better. And it is just fine that you are feeling angry about your husband’s response. Neither of you need to feel stuck right where you are. This will change. That’s the one thing we can always count on, huh? Change. That’s terrifying, since some things seem to change for the worse, but they don’t have to. If you can have the opportunity to take care of yourself with no guilt, you are going to get better. You are not doing anything wrong. You may need to seek some therapy for the both of you as you navigate this, we all need help outside of ourselves sometimes. What I used to say when in the trenches of anxiety and depression in the postpartum period is that I had to accept it if my husband did not get it. He just did not. BUT, that did not mean it was okay to love me conditionally. He didn’t have to fully understand something he was not experiencing, but I needed him to accept that it was real and not my fault as a part of unconditional love. I’m rooting for you, mama!
Thank you Heather. I really appreciate the response. I just hung up with a therapist, whom I love. I have an action plan and am starting my way through it.
My husband was completely blind to what I was going through. It started when I was pregnant and got so much worse after my daughter was born. I never had a difficult time bonding with her or being motivated to take care of her, but I had severe depression and really scary intrusive thoughts. I would tell my husband that I was thinking things that I couldn’t tell anybody because i was afraid my daughter would be taken from me. He didn’t even ask what I was talking about. He would just ignore it. I asked him if it was going to take him coming home to find me hung up by a noose in the bathroom to make him pay attention. He was so wrapped up in drama with his ex that I was invisable. Even if he would have just called my mom or something, it would have been better than nothing. When my daughter was eight months old I took my kids and left him. I didn’t answer the phone when he called or anything. I was gone for two weeks. Finally he has an epiphany and figured it all out and begged me to come home. We did a few counciling sessions then quit. I don’t think I can ever forgive him. I feel like I hate him. How could anyone be so non-thinking and non-feeling? I could have hurt myself and I still never get that time back. So much suffering. I’ll never feel the same way about him.
Hi Rachel,
I’m sorry you went through all of this. You stated that you went to a few counseling sessions. It sounds like it might really help you to go individually to work on this more. I’m sure it doesn’t feel good to feel so stuck in frustration and anger. It might also be good for you guys to continue to go together, to see if you can heal and feel validated more by him. I’m wishing you all the best.
I was in the same situation 6 years ago with the birth of my daughter. I had a traumatic labour and was diagnosed with PPD a few weeks after giving birth. I was meant to be on bed rest to recover from childbirth. I had a third degree perineum tear and suffered moderate blood loss and my now ex was meant to ensure I had plenty of rest. That wasn’t the case. He refused to help with night feedings, bathing, nappy changes, all of it. He always said he was too tired from work.
Meanwhile, I was walking to the store to buy maternity pads with bub in the pram only 3 days after giving birth, whilst he watched sport on tv. Rocking bub to sleep every night when I could barely stand. I was swollen and severely anemic from the blood loss. Ex would put a pillow over his head to drown out the sound of bub’s crying then pretend to be asleep when I asked him to help.
I busted my vaginal stitches after 1 week and got very sick with an infection from retained placenta and ex didn’t care. He had completely withdrawn emotionally and physically. I had little more than an hour sleep each night.
He would refuse to come home telling me he works back late deliberately and when he was home would call me crazy when I acted a little silly with our daughter to make her smile. The big smiles and when she kicked her little legs with excitement really brightened my day, but my ex tried to take that away from me.
I was in treatment for PPD for over a year, until my therapist, subtly, suggested that I leave him… and I did. I moved in with family and continued my therapy. Things were improving so quickly and after a few months I felt so much better and I was able to start thinking about rebuilding my life.
I never reconciled with my daughter’s father and I was in disbelief over what happened for a very long time. I felt confused and lost. I couldn’t understand how my partner of over 10 years could abandoned me during my most vulnerable period, when I desperately needed his love and support. I know know that he was having an affair with a married co-worker. I had confronted him about a suspicion I had and he blamed my ‘irrational thinking’ on the PPD. He deliberately made me feel like I was crazy.
I made a full recovery from PPD very quickly after moving in with my family. They were very, very supportive and can’t thank them enough. I spent a few years being single and rebuilding a life for my daughter and I, but I think I’ve come out stronger and my bond with my daughter is unbreakable. I’m also in a new relationship with a wonderful man.
The relationship I have with my daughter’s father was quite hostile up until some time ago. He has never been an active part of her life. He now has a new family and decided to no longer be a part of her life. Its unfortunate, but I could see it coming.
I still have vivid memories of my experience with PPD, but I have accepted what happened and no longer burst into tears when something reminds me of it. Instead, I hug my daughter and tell her how special she is. I feel so blessed that I got through it as a single mum, as there was a time I didn’t think I would.
Now, I’m extremely keen for another baby 🙂
So i have a 19 month old and i sufferd terribly with pnd even came to the point where i attempted to end my life and my partner was very unsupportive telling me to get over it and if we had and argument about the smallest thing he would say have u taken your crazy pill well i now have a 5 week old baby as well i caught whilst on the pill he didnt take the news very well and we seem to argue all the time he blames me for everything that goes wrong calles me names and goes with his freimds all the time even when i tell him that i need his help and im having a bad day but when we are happy we are verry happy he dont tell how he feels and i dont think he truly understands how i feel i struggle to get up in the mornings and unfortunatly my pnd has also come back with my oldest all i ask is for a little help but i feel like he expects me to do everything ( cleaning cooking looking after the children the shopping ect ect ) but i struggle to even get up and put a fake smile on my face just want to know if anyone else is in the same boat or was in the same boat will it ever get better
You are not alone, Tasha. Many mothers go through this and get better in time, with help. It’s best to keep getting professional help. Do what you need to do to get better. When your baby is so small, the lack of sleep makes it even harder. This will pass, but it’s really hard and you need help! I’m sorry about the relationship difficulties. I hope your partner is open to counseling during this hard time. I’m sending you peace.
I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this. You survived your ppd with your first baby, so you can be confident this too shall pass. I know how hard it is trying to recover with an unsupportive spouse and I am by no means taking sides, but it can be very difficult for someone who has never experienced ppd to understand how horrible it feels. If you can get to counselling with your partner it would be a huge benefit to both of you. If he hears about it from a third person he may be more able to understand.