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Did you know that the first year postpartum has the highest divorce rate than any other time during a marriage? I imagine this must be due to the enormous stress and major role transitioning that occurs when a couple has a new baby. For those of us with postpartum depression, the stresses on a marriage grow even larger.
I recall that my own husband was very confused by my illness. He didn’t understand what was wrong with me. I was no longer behaving like the person he married, and I’m sure he worried whether I’d ever go back to that person. I’m grateful we made it through that horrible time.
I heard from a reader and recent postpartum depression survivor whose husband has just asked for a separation. She’d like to hear from you.
“Although he hasn’t directly said it I feel like the postpartum depression played a major role in creating distance between us. Most of the stories I read are about wonderfully supportive husbands and I wonder if other women have been or are in similar situations and maybe have advice?”
Have any of you been here? Can you share constructive thoughts about what you went through, whether it worked out in the end or it didn’t?
About Katherine Stone
Something I frequently tell friends of mine is that “if we didn’t kill each other during that first year, I don’t think we ever will!” Things were horrible for my husband and me after my daughter was born. I “spoiled” him right up until I gave birth. I did all the cooking, cleaning, etc. and honestly didn’t mind. He was free to have a social life with his friends and in fact, I encouraged it. Then I gave birth, had a brief 3-month maternity leave, returned to work, was laid off right away, and returned home to spend more time with my colicky baby. People considered it a blessing, but I felt overwhelming anxiety and worthlessness. I felt like I contributed nothing to my family if I was unable to work. I also knew I was simply not cut out to be a stay-at-home-mom. We struggled with money, colic, and all the normal adjustments that first time parents go through.
I expected him to step up his game and help out with the cooking and cleaning, but I never asked for it until I was having yet another lengthy discussion with him (in tears) about all the things I wish he would have done but didn’t. I had all this anger toward him, but I never voiced it until it was so bottled up that it just exploded out of me and my poor husband was left staring at me like he was in the Twilight Zone because he was so confused about what was going on and why I hadn’t spoken up about it sooner. He told me every time that if I would just ask, he would do whatever he could to help. I also resented everything other than his job, which was providing our only source of income. He was also in school full time, pursuing a side business (to make up for my lack of salary) and still trying to have a bit of a social life. I resented each of those things, even though they were perfectly healthy things for him to want to pursue. This resentment brewed, festered and grew until I honestly thought we would not make it as a family. But one day I decided to stop blaming and resenting him for everything and to change my own behavior.
I began to see a therapist and he helped me really look within myself and start to address not only my postpartum depression, but also my obsessive-compulsive disorder and extreme perfectionism. He helped me strive for “good enough” instead of perfection. But most of all, my therapist held up a giant mirror so that I could see my own flaws and focus on fixing them rather than wasting my time trying to fix my husband. The biggest revelation I had was that I resented my husband for not noticing that I had severe postpartum depression, but I was going out of my way to hide it from him so he wouldn’t consider me weak.
The day I spoke up and owned my issues is the day is started getting better. In life, we can inspire and affect other people, but we cannot change them. Change must come from within. Shifting my focus allowed me to stop blaming him for everything and to work on falling in love with him all over again. We are not 100% back to “the good old days” yet, but we’re moving in the right direction.
My son is 30 months today. I spent the first 15 months (or more) of his life so wrapped up in PPD that I couldn’t see straight. My partner has never been the kind of person who could deal with my emotional side and the PPD only made this relationship dynamic more difficult. We’re still together, but we didn’t get that survival bond that you read about (i.e., we made it through this so we can make it through anything), in fact even as I’ve come out of the PPD we’ve become further apart than ever. I think there are many factors to this but some are: the fact that the “me” post-PPD is not the same me as before (or maybe moreso her perception of me is not the same); the ongoing stigma of the PPD; the relationships around us that were ruined because of the PPD; body issues (related to breastfeeding, the c-section, and just general post-baby body changes). And these issues are compounded by other life stressors like financial problems. She says I need to see a therapist to deal with *my* issues (something we can’t afford), and I think we would benefit from seeing someone together for *our* issues (also unaffordable).
I don’t have any answers for you, but I can certainly commiserate.
I have been there too. My depression started during my first pregnancy so I was a mess before she was even born and of course it just got worse. My husband was so used to me being the calm, collected and together one that he completely didn’t know what to do. One of our biggest issues was breast feeding; my daughter had a very hard time latching on and absolutely no patience so she would scream non stop while I would be trying to feed her. With my depression this made everything so much worse. My daughter and I pretty much just cried together all day long. The pediatrician finally said ‘just give her formula, this is not good for anyone!’ so I decided to stop the breast feeding. This really angered my husband. He couldn’t believe I wouldn’t do what was best for our daughter. He wouldn’t hear from anyone (my mother, the pediatrician, his mother, etc) that it was way more important for me and my daughter to like each other! Through all of this my depression just got worse and worse, I stopped going to work, I was sleeping all day, I wasn’t doing housework, etc. Of course, he was then worried I would lose my job and his anxiety went through the roof. He was really at the end of his rope and didn’t know what to do. He finally with the help of my mom called my OB and got me in with a psychiatrist and therapist.
Once I started medication that helped tremendously. Things got better over time. I do wonder if he hadn’t been so scarred from his parents divorce and determined to not put his children through that, if we might have separated. We also did a lot of couples therapy which helped him understand what I was going through. It also helped me understand why he was having so much trouble with my depression.
When we had our second child we made a lot of decisions before hand (like not breastfeeding so I could stay on my meds, me going to half time at work after maternity leave for 6 months so I had some time to myself, etc.) The postpartum depression was not as bad as the first time but it was still there. We also continued our couples therapy during this time which helped A LOT.
Things are much better now that our kids are 2 and 4, they are a little more independent and sleep through the night. We also did a lot of work in couples therapy which has really paid off. I think we are on the right track but it is getting much better.
One thing I did learn through this whole experience was that you have to put getting through the PPD first before anyone else’s feelings. I had to finally tell my husband that ‘I can’t worry about you right now, I have to deal with myself.’ You have to forgive yourself for the PPD and mourn for what you’ve lost. For myself, I had to let go of the guilt about not liking my daughter for the first few months of her life. I also had to mourn for the loss of the ‘perfect’ new mom experience that I thought I was supposed to have.
I’m sending lots of hugs and support your way.
We did not make it. In hindsight, I doubt we would have anyway. 6 years in and 1 child later, I/we tried for as long as possible.
My postpartum experience profoundly changed me and what I was willing to tolerate for both myself and my son. He never understood my ppd, nor tried to educate himself. He shut down when he couldn’t ‘fix’ the problem instantly. I was left feeling like he would not stand by me through the worst & he used it against me. Refused help, therapy& resources until it was so far gone that it wasn’t fixable.
We are now gearing up for a custody battle in which he will use my illness against me. I am proud of the fact that I sought help in the form of a great psychiatrist and therapist. It is my hope that some day he will recognize that too. Perhaps not, but I can’t change the fact that I became ill. All I have control of is insuring that I am the most healthy for my son and continue to be.
I wish I could say that he was my rock& we weathered the storm, but that is not reality. Congrats to those who do. Yet, if you don’t, you will be ok. That I can promise.
I’ve been there. By the time my son was 18 months things were so bad my husband and I came very close to splitting up. I know now that it was because my main issue was anger, and I was taking it out on him. I don’t even really remember this, but I can see how of course it would have been hard to live with me.
What helped me:
- Getting help, finally. Medication took the edge off and things got better.
- I learned a lot about PPD and shared information with him so that he understood more what it was about and that it wasn’t personal.
- Asking for help. There were some things that were just too hard and they made me snap. If I asked him for help, it made for a much less tense situation.
Without knowing more about your particular experience with PPD it’s hard to say more, but just know that we went from a really rocky time to a great place where he’s my biggest supporter and totally understands (as much as he can when it’s not him experiencing it).
Happy to talk more if it would help. If you don’t want to post here but want to share a bit more with Katherine, I can probably offer more specifics about my experience that might help.
Wow – thanks for the large variety of comments.
@MamaJ you asked for more specifics – here they are…
My daughter is about to turn 2 and I’ve had PPD since she was around 5months. I’m medicated & have a great psychiatrist and therapist, (we’ve also attended couples counselling in the last year). I’ve been properly treated for about 9-10 months now (under treated by GP originally).
We’ve been together for 8 years and married for 5.
I think its interesting that several of the women think that the difficulties are solely caused by them or their PPD. I’m not judging – just not necessarily what I expected.
@Dana – PPD has changed me dramatically too. I’m still in the stages of trying to figure out what I do and don’t like about the new me and how to get back the parts I miss. You also mentioned body issues which are HUGE (excuse the pun) with me too. I gained more wait from my meds than I did from the pregnancy which I find incredibly depressing & unfair.
@Heather – Your last paragraph is incredibly wise and SO true. I wish I had read it months ago!
@Joan – I’ve been worried about the PPD being used against me in custody battles but so far he hasn’t even mentioned going there (probably because I don’t think full time custody fits into the life he imagines for himself). Thanks for the reassurance!
xoxo
My husband and I had the worst year of our 17 yr marriage when I had my daughter and had severe PPD. Mostly it was the stress of me being so mad and irritated about the PPD and also my husband had to get up with our daughter for 2 yrs because I was so zonked out on meds. We went to a counselor a few times and it helped some. Mostly time and patience mended things. He was willing to stick things out no matter what. I just wanted to run away from it all. But in the end, it’s made us stronger. Just know that things one day will be better so hand in there.
I would try to visualize the separation as a step to healing the marriage. You aren’t divorced yet. Perhaps he would be open to attending a support group for family members coping with mental illness.
My wife is going through postpartum and has become very hard for me to communicate to her. I feel that she doesnt trust me and I am the worst possible person in the planet. At this point, she doesn’t want to work things out and wants a divorce. We’ve been seperated for about 2 weeks now. I try to stay involved and help her as much I can, but she litterally wants me out of her life.
I went one week with out calling her or telling her where I was at and her jelousy kicked it in and just wanted to keep in contact with me by constantly calling me or text messaging. I know my wife loves me or the way she puts it, ” I love you, I am just not in love with you.” There other signs that I get from my wife that encourage me to continue with her but, she continues bringing up divorce.
I dont know what to do. I sometimes feel that its me and cant accept a divorce or she is really that sick that she doesn’t realize what she is doing. I am really lost in this whole situation