Did you know that the first year postpartum has a high divorce rate? I imagine this must be due to the enormous stress and major role transitioning that occurs when a couple has a new baby. For those of us with postpartum depression, the stresses on a marriage grow even larger.
I recall that my own husband was very confused by my illness. He didn’t understand what was wrong with me. I was no longer behaving like the person he married, and I’m sure he worried whether I’d ever go back to that person. I’m grateful we made it through that horrible time.
I heard from a reader and recent postpartum depression survivor whose husband has just asked for a separation. She’d like to hear from you.
“Although he hasn’t directly said it I feel like the postpartum depression played a major role in creating distance between us. Most of the stories I read are about wonderfully supportive husbands and I wonder if other women have been or are in similar situations and maybe have advice?”
Have any of you been here? Can you share constructive thoughts about what you went through, whether it worked out in the end or it didn’t?
I've been there. By the time my son was 18 months things were so bad my husband and I came very close to splitting up. I know now that it was because my main issue was anger, and I was taking it out on him. I don't even really remember this, but I can see how of course it would have been hard to live with me.
What helped me:
– Getting help, finally. Medication took the edge off and things got better.
– I learned a lot about PPD and shared information with him so that he understood more what it was about and that it wasn't personal.
– Asking for help. There were some things that were just too hard and they made me snap. If I asked him for help, it made for a much less tense situation.
Without knowing more about your particular experience with PPD it's hard to say more, but just know that we went from a really rocky time to a great place where he's my biggest supporter and totally understands (as much as he can when it's not him experiencing it).
Happy to talk more if it would help. If you don't want to post here but want to share a bit more with Katherine, I can probably offer more specifics about my experience that might help.
I’m going through something similar with my ex. She was diagnosed after baby. My son is now 18 months. She blames me for everything. She brings up past issues. She doesn’t see what I try doing for her and nothing she says to hurt me ever matters. But when I reach a limit of I can’t keep being a doormat and snap then she holds it against me. She’s convinced it’s me and what’s worse is the ppl in her life also says it’s me. I just don’t understand it bc I’ve wanted nothing but a family and seeker help from ppl online and friends. She tells me she doesn’t want to be with me and she no longer loves me. She’s 23 and I’m 29. She uses my family against me and what’s worse is she uses my son against me. She try’s to keep him from me them tells ppl that I’m ok with not seeing him. She deliberately try’s to go out of her way to hurt me. I really tried everything I could to be with her. The only other thing is to not talk to her and give her space and pray that works.
I’m in the same predicament, she’s from Eastern Europe before she gave birth she was telling me to be patient, that she didn’t know how she would react to the pregnancy, prior to the pregnancy she had these four day mood swings, from an angel she became a devil, but this took it to a hole new level. She started to change three weeks after giving birth, she was very hard to live with very angry. Three months later her brother died with his two sons driving at a very high speed in Europe. She was not able to go because of the newborn so I went to represent the family. She has no family in this country, when I got back she was fine this only lasted for a few weeks then the anger started again. I have my daughter from my first marriage living with us, she’s 13. In the beginning after birth all of her anger was on me. Afterwards it turn to her and was getting very abusive. It’s been 3 months since she moved out and got herself and the newborn which is 10 months now there own apartment. I’m seeing the baby three days a week now. I’m trying to get her to go to therapy but she refuses to go, she feels Eastern Europe women are strong enough to solve there own problems. She is asking me to prove my love and give my daughter to the birth mother which she has a restraining order against or put our daughter in boarding school. I will not be able to ever bring my daughter to the house we live in, she wants me to sell the house that I built and buy a new home with her put it in both of our names and has to money to put towards it. I fell like she’s walking all over me. The age difference is twenty years she’s 34 I’m 54. I had enough of this situation its to much.
LouisRev – I’m so sorry you are going through this. If your wife refuses help, it still might be very beneficial for you to start some counseling to figure out how to handle all of this. You have a lot on your plate and there’s no reason you should have to face this alone.
im going thru the same thing. im also giving space and time while praying at the same time. hope you see this and let me know how it went for you.
Something I frequently tell friends of mine is that "if we didn't kill each other during that first year, I don't think we ever will!" Things were horrible for my husband and me after my daughter was born. I "spoiled" him right up until I gave birth. I did all the cooking, cleaning, etc. and honestly didn't mind. He was free to have a social life with his friends and in fact, I encouraged it. Then I gave birth, had a brief 3-month maternity leave, returned to work, was laid off right away, and returned home to spend more time with my colicky baby. People considered it a blessing, but I felt overwhelming anxiety and worthlessness. I felt like I contributed nothing to my family if I was unable to work. I also knew I was simply not cut out to be a stay-at-home-mom. We struggled with money, colic, and all the normal adjustments that first time parents go through.
I expected him to step up his game and help out with the cooking and cleaning, but I never asked for it until I was having yet another lengthy discussion with him (in tears) about all the things I wish he would have done but didn't. I had all this anger toward him, but I never voiced it until it was so bottled up that it just exploded out of me and my poor husband was left staring at me like he was in the Twilight Zone because he was so confused about what was going on and why I hadn't spoken up about it sooner. He told me every time that if I would just ask, he would do whatever he could to help. I also resented everything other than his job, which was providing our only source of income. He was also in school full time, pursuing a side business (to make up for my lack of salary) and still trying to have a bit of a social life. I resented each of those things, even though they were perfectly healthy things for him to want to pursue. This resentment brewed, festered and grew until I honestly thought we would not make it as a family. But one day I decided to stop blaming and resenting him for everything and to change my own behavior.
I began to see a therapist and he helped me really look within myself and start to address not only my postpartum depression, but also my obsessive-compulsive disorder and extreme perfectionism. He helped me strive for "good enough" instead of perfection. But most of all, my therapist held up a giant mirror so that I could see my own flaws and focus on fixing them rather than wasting my time trying to fix my husband. The biggest revelation I had was that I resented my husband for not noticing that I had severe postpartum depression, but I was going out of my way to hide it from him so he wouldn't consider me weak.
The day I spoke up and owned my issues is the day is started getting better. In life, we can inspire and affect other people, but we cannot change them. Change must come from within. Shifting my focus allowed me to stop blaming him for everything and to work on falling in love with him all over again. We are not 100% back to "the good old days" yet, but we're moving in the right direction.
This is everything I am dealing with. I have 3 girls 7- 10mths !! Been a stay at home mom for6yrs!!! And 2 weeks ago while I was being upset with him he just grasped my hands and said “I am done! Now get out!” I’m freaking out because I don’t want this and I’m recently into my mess and have been speaking with a counselor for about 2mths. Any words of wisdom that could help bring my hubs back would be dearly appreciated
Maybe you could have him come to this website to read about the symptoms you’ve been experiencing. Talk with him about now that you understand what has been happening, you are getting on the right path to help. Maybe you could start counseling together? Suggest that a mental health crisis was at the center of this, and getting well will be your focus. This is not a time for big decisions, and I hope he can understand that. Peace to you both…
Just wanted to know how things are now, after 5 years?
My son is 30 months today. I spent the first 15 months (or more) of his life so wrapped up in PPD that I couldn't see straight. My partner has never been the kind of person who could deal with my emotional side and the PPD only made this relationship dynamic more difficult. We're still together, but we didn't get that survival bond that you read about (i.e., we made it through this so we can make it through anything), in fact even as I've come out of the PPD we've become further apart than ever. I think there are many factors to this but some are: the fact that the "me" post-PPD is not the same me as before (or maybe moreso her perception of me is not the same); the ongoing stigma of the PPD; the relationships around us that were ruined because of the PPD; body issues (related to breastfeeding, the c-section, and just general post-baby body changes). And these issues are compounded by other life stressors like financial problems. She says I need to see a therapist to deal with *my* issues (something we can't afford), and I think we would benefit from seeing someone together for *our* issues (also unaffordable).
I don't have any answers for you, but I can certainly commiserate.
I have been there too. My depression started during my first pregnancy so I was a mess before she was even born and of course it just got worse. My husband was so used to me being the calm, collected and together one that he completely didn't know what to do. One of our biggest issues was breast feeding; my daughter had a very hard time latching on and absolutely no patience so she would scream non stop while I would be trying to feed her. With my depression this made everything so much worse. My daughter and I pretty much just cried together all day long. The pediatrician finally said 'just give her formula, this is not good for anyone!' so I decided to stop the breast feeding. This really angered my husband. He couldn't believe I wouldn't do what was best for our daughter. He wouldn't hear from anyone (my mother, the pediatrician, his mother, etc) that it was way more important for me and my daughter to like each other! Through all of this my depression just got worse and worse, I stopped going to work, I was sleeping all day, I wasn't doing housework, etc. Of course, he was then worried I would lose my job and his anxiety went through the roof. He was really at the end of his rope and didn't know what to do. He finally with the help of my mom called my OB and got me in with a psychiatrist and therapist.
Once I started medication that helped tremendously. Things got better over time. I do wonder if he hadn't been so scarred from his parents divorce and determined to not put his children through that, if we might have separated. We also did a lot of couples therapy which helped him understand what I was going through. It also helped me understand why he was having so much trouble with my depression.
When we had our second child we made a lot of decisions before hand (like not breastfeeding so I could stay on my meds, me going to half time at work after maternity leave for 6 months so I had some time to myself, etc.) The postpartum depression was not as bad as the first time but it was still there. We also continued our couples therapy during this time which helped A LOT.
Things are much better now that our kids are 2 and 4, they are a little more independent and sleep through the night. We also did a lot of work in couples therapy which has really paid off. I think we are on the right track but it is getting much better.
One thing I did learn through this whole experience was that you have to put getting through the PPD first before anyone else's feelings. I had to finally tell my husband that 'I can't worry about you right now, I have to deal with myself.' You have to forgive yourself for the PPD and mourn for what you've lost. For myself, I had to let go of the guilt about not liking my daughter for the first few months of her life. I also had to mourn for the loss of the 'perfect' new mom experience that I thought I was supposed to have.
I'm sending lots of hugs and support your way.
We did not make it. In hindsight, I doubt we would have anyway. 6 years in and 1 child later, I/we tried for as long as possible.
My postpartum experience profoundly changed me and what I was willing to tolerate for both myself and my son. He never understood my ppd, nor tried to educate himself. He shut down when he couldn't 'fix' the problem instantly. I was left feeling like he would not stand by me through the worst & he used it against me. Refused help, therapy& resources until it was so far gone that it wasn't fixable.
We are now gearing up for a custody battle in which he will use my illness against me. I am proud of the fact that I sought help in the form of a great psychiatrist and therapist. It is my hope that some day he will recognize that too. Perhaps not, but I can't change the fact that I became ill. All I have control of is insuring that I am the most healthy for my son and continue to be.
I wish I could say that he was my rock& we weathered the storm, but that is not reality. Congrats to those who do. Yet, if you don't, you will be ok. That I can promise.
Thank you for the reassurance. My husband has been a complete and total jerk. He is not understanding at all. My pregnancy was so difficult and my son is now 13 months old. My life with him right now feels like pure hell. Sometimes I I think he wants to push me over the edge too not be bothered with me. Thankfully I have family and friends who have dealt with mental illness and understand. Hopefully within the next few months I can be rid of this dead weight.
Wow – thanks for the large variety of comments.
@MamaJ you asked for more specifics – here they are…
My daughter is about to turn 2 and I've had PPD since she was around 5months. I'm medicated & have a great psychiatrist and therapist, (we've also attended couples counselling in the last year). I've been properly treated for about 9-10 months now (under treated by GP originally).
We've been together for 8 years and married for 5.
I think its interesting that several of the women think that the difficulties are solely caused by them or their PPD. I'm not judging – just not necessarily what I expected.
@Dana – PPD has changed me dramatically too. I'm still in the stages of trying to figure out what I do and don't like about the new me and how to get back the parts I miss. You also mentioned body issues which are HUGE (excuse the pun) with me too. I gained more wait from my meds than I did from the pregnancy which I find incredibly depressing & unfair.
@Heather – Your last paragraph is incredibly wise and SO true. I wish I had read it months ago!
@Joan – I've been worried about the PPD being used against me in custody battles but so far he hasn't even mentioned going there (probably because I don't think full time custody fits into the life he imagines for himself). Thanks for the reassurance!
My husband and I had the worst year of our 17 yr marriage when I had my daughter and had severe PPD. Mostly it was the stress of me being so mad and irritated about the PPD and also my husband had to get up with our daughter for 2 yrs because I was so zonked out on meds. We went to a counselor a few times and it helped some. Mostly time and patience mended things. He was willing to stick things out no matter what. I just wanted to run away from it all. But in the end, it's made us stronger. Just know that things one day will be better so hand in there.
I would try to visualize the separation as a step to healing the marriage. You aren't divorced yet. Perhaps he would be open to attending a support group for family members coping with mental illness.
My wife is going through postpartum and has become very hard for me to communicate to her. I feel that she doesnt trust me and I am the worst possible person in the planet. At this point, she doesn't want to work things out and wants a divorce. We've been seperated for about 2 weeks now. I try to stay involved and help her as much I can, but she litterally wants me out of her life.
I went one week with out calling her or telling her where I was at and her jelousy kicked it in and just wanted to keep in contact with me by constantly calling me or text messaging. I know my wife loves me or the way she puts it, " I love you, I am just not in love with you." There other signs that I get from my wife that encourage me to continue with her but, she continues bringing up divorce.
I dont know what to do. I sometimes feel that its me and cant accept a divorce or she is really that sick that she doesn't realize what she is doing. I am really lost in this whole situation
I’m in the exact same scenario. Just not separated as of yet. We have a 7 month old baby. My heart is torn by the thought of divorce. I try to be a good listener, I don’t think it’s enough when she doesn’t admit her ppd. Good luck Carlos.
I to am in the same situation but we are still together, just. We’re not married but have been together for 10 years and have 2 girls aged 3 and 20 months. We’ve been having problems for about 2 months but she has said she has been feeling this way for longer but she hasn’t said anything. The girls and her are my life and I’m staying put to make sure we give it all before giving up. Every time I mention ppd and us going to see a doctor together she gets angry with me and says that she hasn’t got it now but may of had it just after the birth. I’m not the only one who thinks this may be what’s wrong it’s also her family but she refuses to talk about it. I don’t want to lose her but I don’t know what to do.
After struggling for 13 months and 5 dif kinds of med’s my wife took the kids and left. She had it milder with our first child. But nothing like the 2nd. She closed up and wouldn’t talk or let me try and help. All I do know is pray that maybe the next med’s will work better or it slowly goes away and she comes home or is open to slowly trying again. Maybe talking to someone together. Does anybody know if old feeling cone back at all ?
Jay… My son is now 3yrs old and for the first 2yrs of his life I suffered from PPD and during pregnancy I suffered with depression and I still struggle with it today due to Graves Diesease (thyroid diesease) and unbalanced thyroid levels. I too pushed my fiance away and didnt want any help from him or anybody else. I was a very angry person. I had a 13yr old and 42yrs old when i found out i was pregnant and had a hard time adjusting to a new life and felt my old life was over. I had no feelings for anyone..anything..except my daughter but especially my fiance. My feelings did return as strong as they were before and it happened out of the blue. My fiance however is very hurt and angry from being pushed away for so long. Hes now not sure of his feelings. Its very scary and sad to think i could lose him. It didnt feel like ”ME”doing it. He sleeps on the couch and refuses to come to bed. So for me…i got my feelings back and im hoping he does too. Sad that out of creating something so wonderful and amazing so many struggles..battles and loses have to happen. Shouldnt be this way.
Good luck to you!
Lol…sorry about the misspelling of disease…twice!
My partner is currently suffering from pnd and has taken steps into beating the illness. Just want to tell the men to just support there women, if your feeling pushed away you have to remember its not her fault and on the contrary to how you maybe feeling all she wants and needs is your love and support and just to be by her side. The worst thing you can do is to blame or abandon her!! It is the worst thing for a new family to go through but if you get through it just proves yor relationship is unbreakable and theres nothing you cant get through together. Please just remember why you chose her to be the mother of your children, support her and be there and things will get better.
How do have her seek help if she denies there is a problem??
Same question, how do you get her the help if she is in constant denial. For her to seek help is some kind of “battle lost”. I know in my case, my wife will never seek help, she’s in this cloud of hatred, denial, distrust and mostly so disconnected from the reality or the facts that it almost seems like she’s been living with someone else not me!…Just a very very distorted view of the real events. She has filed for divorce and there is nothing I can do. All out friends, coworkers, doctor, everyone is shocked…still can;t do anything until she realizes…
I’ve tried counselling (for myself) and to understand it better, talked to professionals around the globe on what to do, how to communicate, but nothing works…she’s made up her mind to end it all…and she can;t come up with a single reason.
I do not think I suffer ppd however I feel I would like to have your advise. The time before, during and after pregnancy has been a little difficult. My mom was diagnosed with cancer before I got pregnant and she died when I was about 3 months pregnant. She was very excited about becoming a grandmother (she never knew i would be having a girl which makes me really sad). I was very closed to my mom and I miss her every second of my life. After having my baby girl I was of course tired and irritable. My husband helped me very much at the beginning, but now he has relaxed a lot. My little girl is now 6 months and she is the light of my life. She sleeps all night and she is very good girl. I have a nnay that helps me twice a week plus nursery (starting next week). I feel I am very fortunate, however lately I feel I cant stand my husband. Pretty much every comment he makes annoys me. He makes loud noises that sometimes scare my baby (he talks loud on the phone,sneezes very loud,etc). I have tried to ask him very politely not to be too loud but he is not willing to change. It irritates me that he not know how to calm my baby when crying, or that when she cries he takes his time before aiding her. I feel that everything that he does is wrong. He forgets to add vitamins to my baby bottle. He keep asking me stuff that is very basic (example: the baby’s clothes are all wet and he asks whether he should change it or not). All this small things he does or does not irritates me very much). Any advice.?
I am in the same situation. I just feel my husband does not care or do things enough. I don’t know what to do.
Lola, if you’re having trouble communicating your needs, it may help to get into some counseling together, if your husband is willing. I know it’s so hard, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. Peace to you and yours….
My Brothers wife just had their first baby. Their marriage has plummeted downwards steadily for the 5 months since their child was born.
Recently things have turned nasty. She wants a divorce immediately. Yesterday he was served notice from her lawyer that she would like full custody of their son.
My Brother is very unsure of what he should do. They were very happily married until the child was born. He doesn’t want a divorce however His wife refuses to see a doctor or therapist.
He has offered many times to go to counselling. He has reached out to her family and friends however that is a narrow group.
How does he convince her that there is something bigger here? how can he get her to a therapist?
My daughter was in complete denial of her psychosis. This led to her husband getting temporary custody and then full custody and a divorce. After months and months, she finally got the help she needed and is more than wonderful now.
Now what? She is living in another state (with us) and is trying to get shared custody. What a dilemma.
Kelly. The best thing Ur brother can do is make sure he’s there for the child and forget about her. There will be nothing he can do there. She will have to realize it herself. I’m in the same boat and my ex. She’s said and done so many things. Blames me for all of it. What made it worse was I fed into it. I should of just cut it off. Only time and her not being with him will make her realize what she can have. That’s the only way ppl miss someone. Not when they are chasing after
I developed postpartum depression during my last trimester with my first baby. My now husband was away for the entire last trimester at the other side of the country. Then when baby was born we moved to the country to a house we couldn’t afford and he left again. Between him being gone and being home working a terrible job for no money… ny depression got worse. I was all alone with no friends or family. I was so angry all the time and took it out on him. Then I got pregnant again very unplanned. We took steps to better our situation. We moved back near town to an affordable house. But now we are separated. Still living together because he won’t leave…but he has told me he has fallen out of love with me. He says we are a bad match and my anger is too out of control. I am through the depression now but if I show the slightest anger or hurt towards him for any reason he can’t handle it. My depression ruined our marriage as far as I see it. I have looked for free counselling feom our local community counselling service but the wait list is like..six months. I recognize that he is now suffering depression and I basically ruined him…and he wants to be friends and have me never again feel angerbor any negative emotion….which seems redicukous to me. So…now I dont know. I am so lost and confused. I cant move om because we still live together…and I can’t move forward because I am stuck in this limbo of walk I on eggshells…not knowing how to communicate and having to wonder if I should hold on or move on and how to do either.
Hello I really need a some one who can help me I’m going to a depressed right now .I just had my baby girl she’s only 24 days and my husband decided to left me when she was18 days and since that day I’m going throw a stress,depressed that I keep asking to myself what did i I did wrong for him just to leave me if everything seem to be so nice as a couple I had ask him and he only said that he doesn’t understand himself either . Just told me to forget him from what he has done but and that he need some time. I can stop crying everyday since he left I been trying to focus on some other things and nothing works for me I’m praying so that everything gets in place as it was my heart it’s a pain that I can’t explain my own self
I’m so, so sorry, Rachel. I think talking about all of this with a counselor could really help you right now. You’re going through a lot, and talking with someone about it all could be very healing for you. We also have a private forum where you can talk with other women who are experiencing postpartum depression and related illnesses. Keep reaching out, find support wherever you can. You are not alone, and you will get through this. Here’s the link to our private forum: http://postpartumprogress.com/postpartum-progress-private-forum
I lost my father when I was pregnant with our fifth child. At the same time my mom was battling alzheimers disease and went into a home (no longer having my father to care for her). When I had my son I got ppd very bad. My husband wanted an easy and quick fix. He told me that I needed to snap out of it, that the children needed me. This was constant and hurt me very much. My baby is now 9 months old and I am better. I am seeking help via a counsellor and feel whole again. The only problem is that my husband still sees me as the depressed person. He says I am not the same, and that he isnt in love with me anymore. He says that he wants to be with someone new and continues to bring up everything that happened when I was depressed. The other day he mey a woman at the bar and was making out with her. Now he is moving out of our house. Last night I told him I wanted to start fresh and move on together with our lives and our kids. He just looked at me with hatred. What can I do? Help!
Ellie — I’m so glad you’re feeling whole again, but I’m sorry about the issues with your spouse. Therapy is a good place to work through this and get guidance and support. Can you convince your spouse to attend a few therapy sessions with you?
We had discussed it, but also thought that it might also make things worse by rehashing everything again and again. Though at this point now I’m not sure that he is still open to it..
Ever since our daughter was born Jan 2013 and our son in June 2015, my wife has not liked me at all. We haven’t had sex in 4yrs ( children through IVF). No hugs, no kisses, no touch, although we sleep in the same bed. She has become like a roommate. I pamper her, I am a very loving father, we don’t drink smoke or do drugs, she works days and I work nights. She says now that she doesn’t know if she loves me anymore. She says just keep helping with the kids. I am not ugly or out of shape- 6’1″ 190 lbs. I am scared of divorce b/c I went through it numerous times as a child. I would love to talk with anybody out there who has similar experiences. I have been miserably depressed the whole time. Thank you.
I have a pretty surefire way to fix things, though unconventional, Danny…is there a way for u to message me?
what are your thoughts?
Hello, I don’t usually do this but here is the story to my step-daughter. She is a young military mom/wife who got served a TRO and divorce papers within two weeks of each other along with getting escorted out of her home, from her son all because her husband didn’t support, agree not understand that she was not herself because of her postpartum depression…here is her link of the story. She is currently in San Diego, CA struggling to find an attorney that will help her and that she can afford. She was a house wife and a stay at home mom with no job, not to mention her son was born with health issues. Please take a look and if there is ANY way you can help that would be amazing. Thank you for your time… http://www.gofundme.com/isaacshai
Wondering if anyone can help or shed light. When my wife was 8 months pregnant she walked out on me. This came as a complete shock to me. She never mentioned that she was unhappy and I had no idea she was thinking of leaving. We rarely to never fought and I thought we were happy. That was 7 months ago and my adorable son is now healthy and six months old. To this day my wife has not been willing to work on our marriage or so anything to try and salvage it. She filed for divorce less than a month after leaving and we are now officially divorced. She has lost a lot of weight and (to me at least) seems to be in a depressed place and often cries when I see her to swap my son. We are both amazing parents and both of us have acknowledged that to each other. I have tried everything to get her to reconsider. I fought hard to save our marriage for 5 months and she didn’t budge an inch and everything I did only seemed to push her further away. We were high school sweethearts and best friends together 14 years and married 5 years. I have continued to give her emotional support and let her know I am here for her if she needs anything, including a listening ear or shoulder to cry on. I have also continued to tell her I am willing to work on things if she wants too. I am not sure what to do at this point. Do I give up hope? How long do I hold out hope? How long can this last before she gets healthy? I love her incredibly deeply and unconditionally. I also love my son and he is my guiding light. I just want a chance to be a happy and complete family with her, but I am finding difficulty in the unknown. Thanks for the help!
If you are seeing depression and weight loss, frequent crying, etc…your ex wife needs help. If she has not seen a doctor or therapist, she needs to be encouraged to do so. She can only get better if she gets help. Of course, you can’t force that on her but encouraging her to talk with someone about her symptoms if what you can do. You have been through a lot of pain and I hope along with you that this gets better for all of you.
Thanks Heather, your kind words really do mean A LOT. Her dad has actually forced both of us to see a psychologist. She has been seeing one for about 3 months. I study psychology so I know therapy can take awhile and I’m having trouble putting all my hope in one psychologist, especially since some therapists are much better and effective than others. Is relationship issues and decisions this drastic and life altering very common among PPD? Thanks again for the help and advice, you have no idea how much it means these days.
Drastic relationship decisions are somewhat common because of how anxious and depressed these postpartum illnesses can make someone feel. It changes how you think, what you think you know. When you feel in some kind of fight or flight mode all the time, it effects everything. That isn’t always why people make these decisions, but it can be part of it, yes. And you’re welcome. I’m glad to help.
Hopefully someone can help me or give me advice on here. Our daughter is 19 months old now and I am going through hell. About 1 month before our daughter was born, my fiancee erupted with anger over a small thing which she didn’t like. Some of the language she was using really surprised me because she had never been like that. After our daughter was born, I could do nothing right at all. Everything was wrong. She had 3 months of maternity leave and after that she went back to work. Ever since then, she has only a handful of free weekend days off in a month and her other days off are when I am at work. I have to do everything in the house; I take our daughter to daycare, I take our dog for a walk 3 times a day. I cook, I clean, I pick up our daughter from daycare, I look after her for the evening and then I put her to sleep. I pay all the bills, I deal with all the financial stuff and all the cooking.
My fiancee comes home and either falls asleep or spends time on the phone with her family. Don’t get me wrong, she works really really hard and does as much as she can around the house, but the problem is that her hours are so unsocial, especially for a family with a young child (and a baby on the way) The thing is that she has been so negative with me over the last 20 months, that I feel hyper sensitive. She says negative things to me and I get upset. If she does something that upsets me, she just gets more angry with me. Because I have the lion’s share of tasks to do, I have precious little time for myself and I have no-one to support me. I need emotional support; someone to be tender and understanding with me, someone to understand when I’m down. But she is not like that. I am, in fact, living like a single parent and the mother takes the child for a couple of days. For the rest, its pretty much all me. I can handle this, because I worship our daughter, but at the end of the day, I need someone who listens to me and is my friend. Everything I do is wrong and if I even try to explain that some things she does hurt me, then it turns into a massive running argument where we end up saying things we regret. I always try to apologise, but she only apologises in anger.
It has gotten so bad now that I we have decided to split up. Because of being with our child most of the time and being so tired, my social life has dried up. I don’t have a support network ( I live abroad), my best friend lives in another country, I’ve never had a good relationship with my sister and my parents (who live in another country) are old and are not as supportive as they used to be. They are neurotic and just worry, so I don’t worry them with my problems.
I’ve suggested to my wife that she goes to see someone about PPD but she just gets angry. I go to work every day and I feel like crying the whole time. I feel constantly depressed and weak and I don’t look forward to anything anymore. The list of tasks that I have to do are not necessarily physically tiring the whole time, but there are so many things I have to do (pay all the bills, sort out all the admin etc.) that I feel panicky because i have to have a list of things that I have to do at certain times every day. I also hate my job but I can’t leave it because we couldn’t afford it and the hours allow me to care for everything in the house.
I have taken a decision to see the doctor and seek professional help to let me cope with this situation. Perhaps they will give me medication to be able to deal with it all, or even better, they may give me counselling. But as long as my fiancee can’t see that I need some support from her (emotionally would be fine because then all the tasks I have to do will seem easier) then the cause of our situation will never be addressed. She just flies into a fit of anger if I try to talk to her or to ask her if I can have some attention from her. Just this morning, she told me that I am obsessed about little things and should stop it because its irritating. Perhaps its true, but that makes me feel even worse and weak.
I love my daughter and am excited about our new baby, but I want us to be together as a family. As it stands, I will be a part time father to them both. This is a thought which terrifies me as I can’t imagine being even one day away from my daughter.
First of all, I’m sorry about all of this. It does sound like things changed after your fiancée had a baby. I can’t say if it’s PPD/PPA, but often when someone seems detached and tired all the time, that’s the case. I’m sorry she hasn’t been willing to look into this with a doctor. It’s so good of you to seek professional help, on top of all that you are taking care of. It would be so good for both of you to go to counseling, and yes, it’s good to see a doctor about what else may need to be done. I always tell people not to make a decision about splitting in the midst of this. You are both depleted and out of sorts, exhausted and struggling. That’s not a good time to decide anything much at all, especially big things. But you can work through this in therapy and decide what is best for you all. Again, I’m so sorry this has been such a struggle. I always believe it can get better, but only with help. I hope your fiancée will begin to see that even if she doesn’t understand that she possibly has some mental health issues going on, she could still explore it. For your sake and for hers and for your children. Peace to you…
Robinshood, I feel so completely for you. My cousin went through much the same thing you are experiencing. I am now going through the same event, but my wife is handling it better.
For my end, I don’t know if our marriage will survive. I sorely want it to and am willing to do anything. She sees every mistake I make as making me a bad father and every good thing I do goes seemingly unnoticed. I, too, think the world of my daughter, but I don’t get to learn and practice being a father much because I’ve been asked to stay with a friend. I get to see her every 2 or 3 days, but I am expected to know things and behave with her as if I have spent every waking moment with our daughter the way my wife has.
It all came out of the blue for me. I did not see these changes coming at all. For her part, she is doing all she can and trying to understand the changes she is enduring. I think she is as confused by her changes as I am. We are both in individual therapy and together in couples therapy (with my personal therapist, which I think she sees as a chance to fix the things wrong with me, but I’m fine with her feeling that way if it gets her in there and talking about our issues). What saddened me most is that I made every single change that was asked of me, and still there was no indication of loving me as more than the father of her child and someone she used to fancy.
I don’t mean to steal your post, though. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I understand you are enduring a lot more than I am with the job situation and doing all the work yourself (my wife has been very good with our daughter and puts her before anything else, luckily). I want to share some of the successes I’ve had with working through this. I still don’t know what my outcome will be, but I’m doing my best, and progress seems to be happening little by little.
First, focus on your daughter. I, too, became hypersensitive with all of the criticisms and anger from my wife. I felt like I could do nothing right, and all I craved was some acknowledgment. I, too, felt if I just had that, everything would be that much better. I could do anything if I knew she loved me for the things I was doing. The trick is, you can’t expect that. In fact, my world shifted when I just accepted that I wouldn’t get it. Why do the things I’ve been doing? For my daughter (and for you, the coming child, too). It must be accepted that your fiancee may never return to the way things were. She may decide she needs something completely different for her life, and perhaps you aren’t in that picture. It’s an incredibly hard thing to consider. I know. I’ve been considering it every day for over a month, but it’s a cold truth that could become a reality. Don’t lose hope, mind you. I haven’t. But you must steel yourself for the worst while hoping for the best.
Second, be there for your fiancee. The chemical and psychological changes she’s enduring/enduring are just as real and debilitating for her as they are for you (if not more so). I was in a place of resentment for being dumped on for everything that went wrong. The moment I accepted everything she was saying to me as her reality and began working on them as best I could, progress began. I know it feels like giving up. I know it feels like lying to yourself. I know it feels completely unfair and unjust, and it is. But know that she may feel lost. She may feel like her world is falling apart. Her dreams may be crashing down around her in shattered pieces. Old wounds from her past may be surfacing every day, and each one feels as fresh as the day it happened. Do your best to keep the separation just a separation. Use it to give her and yourself space, but keep reminding her you want to be the best father in the world and you will do all you can to help her and your daughter. Don’t drive yourself insane and become unhealthy, though. Understand what you “can” do and dedicate that. If you have any friends nearby, call on them. If her family that she talks to can lend a hand, ask them. Ask them even if you think they would say no.
Third, build your support network. I know you said you feel like you have none, but you may find people who understand and appreciate you in the most unlikely places. I went to each of my co-workers who are dads and friendly with me to ask them if they dealt with similar things. I’m usually a very closed-off person about private emotional things, but other dads can be surprisingly compassionate on the subject of kids and issues in marriages. You might find someone who went through the exact same thing. Once you get a therapist, ask about support groups you might be able to attend. Call your buddy (VOIP if you can’t afford the phone call) or text him. Just once a week to check in with him can be amazingly helpful. My brother lives on the other side of the planet, but talking to him once every couple of weeks cheers me up a bit and gets me laughing. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable with people you know care about you. Pick up the phone. Ask a dad if you could have a few minutes of his time and let him know you’re not looking to dump on him, but that you just have a few questions. I didn’t get a ton of good advice, but just being able to talk about my problems gave me a lot of personal strength to face the things I’m going through. Courage can only be gained by experiencing hardship. In no other way can courage be used or shown. You made a good step in posting here, and I think you can find your way through all of this. Look into other online forums with an active membership for dads/husbands, too.
Fourth, focus on what things you can control in your life. I have felt those moments several times where I just fall apart at my desk at work. I felt no inclination to do anything, sapped of all strength and motivation, because I was dying inside at the thought that the light of my life no longer wants me. For that, I used a tool my therapist gave me (Yes, see a therapist for yourself. It sounds like you are working on that, but DO NOT be lazy about getting that started. You won’t regret having someone to listen to you and give you tools to manage your situation. It might also be the leadership example your fiancee needs to see one for herself.). Mindfulness meditation. It’s more scientific than it sounds, and it worked for me. Focus on your immediate surroundings. Let go of the constant worrying over your home life and just focus on the feeling of your desk or steering wheel or any other physical objects you are interacting with. I have used our unofficial separation as a time to analyze myself and see what I can improve in my own personal bubble. You have the opportunity to face personal demons and overcome them. Whatever feeling is overwhelming you, name it in your mind, picture what form that feeling would take if you saw it before you, and pass through it. The more you can name and envision those horrible feelings, the less power they have over you, and the more able you can be to deal with them. My wife complained about my vices and brought them up as a pivotal reason for her issues with me. I have quit them all, and she still has issues, conceding that vices weren’t the problem, but I am better for it. I feel I could be perfectly fine drinking socially, but I don’t even do that because my wife wants to see the ideal personification of a good father. I took up exercising to replace unhealthy habits, and it has the added benefit of me being more ready to handle any tasks that fatherhood throws at me. It might help you feel less drained by those chores you do, too. I’ve focused on a core strength routine, as I’ve found my back to be the biggest sore point when doing things with/for my daughter. It has helped.
Hang in there, buddy. I don’t know where either of our situations will land, but at the end of the day, we both have the opportunity to create a situation where we can look back and say we did our very best and have no regrets about it. Good luck to you, and know you are not alone.
My husband left me two days after I gave birth, for a waitress he had an affair with. Less than a year later I signed over custody of my son to my husband so that I could join the military. I was still depressed, did not believe I had a future, and did not believe I could give my son the life I had planned on. 12 years later I am still fighting to try to get joint custody back of my son who now refuses to acknowledge that I am his mother, even though I saw him sevreal times every year throughout my military career, and he came and stayed with me as well. Postpartum depression ruined my life.
Shay, I’m so sorry. I’m just so sorry. I know that isn’t enough. I wish this wasn’t your story, I really do. I will be hoping with you that your son will open himself to you as his mother. I’m sorry.
In my opinion, when PPD is at large it doesn’t matter if you are married 2yrs or 22yrs! My husband & I have been married 12yrs, but we are together 21yrs since our teens. Like every relationship, we’ve had plenty of ups & downs (and screaming matches) along the way. We’re complete opposites in many respects, especially socially but what couples other than those on the tv aren’t? I run my own successful salon business and as much as I hate to admit it still now – I often neglected our relationship and I single-handedly contributed to plenty of issues in the past. Ironically, we both felt very grown up when we learned that we were pregnant, almost as though we had taken a big step towards the next great chapter of our lives and left the silly stuff & arguments behind. I had a good pregnancy, but delivery was long and ultimately traumatic. It resulted in 3wks in hospital for me & DS, mostly secluded from visitation & bed ridden. I was on a ventilator for almost a week & DS was in NICU for three straight weeks. Over the course of many months when we got home, the things that should have become easier only seemed to get worse. Of course I couldn’t see any of this at the time, but the stories & empty promises from family of HELPING never really materialised to a noteworthy extent and we both soon found ourselves isolated & struggling to cope. Things only got worse when I hurriedly returned to my business after 3mths. There was simply no time for US anymore. My husband quit his job to help out more when I went back to work, but the anxiety & confused feelings I had in my head only seemed to be going to a darker place. I couldn’t make a decision about anything & I just felt like I was completely alone, misunderstood & very frustrated. I wanted to go on a 2wk vacation on my own & just see DS somehow when it suited. Weeks became months, months became the 1st birthday and by 17 months old it was almost thanksgiving. That’s when everything imploded. I came home to a set table, a martini & some Chinese takeout, but I just wanted to go to bed for a week & not wake up. I don’t recall what I said or how I delivered it, but I noticed the tears on my husband’s cheeks when he said that he just couldn’t deal with my heartless treatment anymore and that he needed to separate from me. I remember being unfazed, shrugging & going to bed anyway without the capacity to even consider what he said. The following morning, my husband had called my mother to the house. He had a lengthy conversation with her the previous night. He left with DS and I had brunch with my mom. She talked about her own pregnancies & the aftermath that ensued and suggested that I speak to my MD. I queried why, but I promised I would. My MD put me in touch with a mental health specialist & I was quickly diagnosed with severe PPD. Me, clinically depressed? Really? I just thought I was a little overwhelmed by doing most of the work and adjusting to my new life! Apparently I hadn’t adjusted at all, something I took great offence to. I was placed on a strict regime of light exercise daily, yoga, anti-depressant meds, anti-anxiety meds & recommended that I speak to a therapist once per week. When I told my therapist that I now despised my husband even more for bringing all this about, he questioned my beliefs and why I held such animosity towards the one person who was ultimately trying to help me? His question still rings home to me today, when did you last show real appreciation for anything your husband did instead of focusing on all the things he hasn’t done? The point to my insight is this, my husband was invited & came to a couple of therapy sessions with me. When I learned about what he had been through trying to support us all, I felt embarrassed. We managed to talk through the real issues and from this, we learned to talk about our feelings a lot more. With the addition of my meds, daily routines & exercise, I not only found my way back to my old self, but I also found just how close I came to losing it all without even being fazed at the time. Imagine if my husband never had the sense to turn to my mother for help? Imagine if she couldn’t get through to me, or allowed her sentiment towards my husband to prevent her from saying what needed to be said? It took me three very long months after my corrective treatment started to resemble the person I once was pre pregnancy. Without adequate & dedicated help, I dread to think what decisions I would have made and how that would ultimately impact on DS forever. With everything we go through from pregnancy, pain, spasms, morning sickness, labour, childbirth & the weeks (months or years) that follow, we forget that our baby is also blessing our lives because of our husband’s too and while they will NEVER understand what we all go through, we are also very quick to dismiss how life altering it is for them too. Our husband’s are often involved & very excited right the way through our pregnancy, involved in pre-natal classes, going to the hospital for check-ups & scans too. Yet as soon as labour arrives, they are cast aside and can spend the next 2-3yrs in exile while all of the attention is on mother & baby. We forget they have as much right to be involved as we are & we certainly forget that they are coming to terms with the responsibilities of caring for a newborn, in addition to their partner of 21+yrs (in my case) going nuts for a few years. Men are infamously terrible at talking to others about anything, so they are often isolated too. PPD is simply mystifying as much as it is creepy for sneaking up on us, but try to hang on to the good memories (as well as some respect) you have of your husband instead of siding with the demonic voices & indecision inside your head. While we certainly take the brunt of it, therapy has thought me that pregnancy & parenting is tough on them too. There IS a reason why you have been together for so long & there IS a reason why you both decided to try to make a family together. You got married (if you did) for better or for worse. Don’t lose sight of that. The quicker you seek real help for PPD, the quicker you will overcome it & the better your chances of recovery are too. Rule No.1 to remember is that your husband did not inflict PDP on you, it is not his fault, stop blaming him. My husband used to be my world (after my salon of course, but we had a good life), now DS & my husband “are” my world and I am thankful & so happy that we are not just still a family, but a much happier one too. So much so, that I’m expecting no.2 in a few months time and we’re all looking forward to it with lots of collective positivity.
I hope this helps someone out there?
Wow. There is so much exceptional advice on this topic and from such a vast variety of backgrounds, it is good to know that we are not alone.
It is quite difficult to talk about this subject “freely” to a bunch of people I’ve never met before without rubbing someone up the wrong way (unintentionally), but here it goes…
In my experience (as a husband) and dealing with my wife’s PPD, I have many versions of a story to tell. From her perspective, from mine, from her MD, from the therapist’s. I can be sympathetic, supportive, curt, or just annoyed – so let’s just say this first…
PPD is an illness, a big fat random one. It affects many new moms and it has a truly horrifying impact on any marriage – BUT – from a very objectionable perspective, why do ALL female sufferers just assume that the hubby is public enemy No.1, yet at the same time demand that he stand by her & support her all the way?
Seriously, if someone gets sick, has cancer, develops a tumor, needs amputation, or has some other horrific injury/sickness to deal with – (1) there is a tonne of support available to them, (2) everyone rallies around and (3) no one is blamed for whatever affliction has occurred. PPD is not the same. The man is; (1) entirely to blame, (2) fully responsible for all things bad in the world, (3) is the most unsupportive idiot to ever walk the face of the planet – even if the complete opposite is true, (4) gets a shedload of unrelenting & unjust abuse thrown at him, (5) only the few things he simply can’t do in life are the things that get noticed & fought about – not the million things he does, (6) has no support offered to him – despite also trying to adjust to a new life & added responsibilities, (7) has the rest of the support structure (friends & family) turned against him by an erratic & irrational wife AND (8) the first second he says anything negative about his living conditions or the first time he snaps due to frustration, and the wife goes insane and starts throwing words around like ‘separation’ & ‘divorce’! Or starts insulting him and demanding that he just laps it all up & supports her no matter what. Oooo sorry, I forgot (9) if the wind blows too hard or soft, or in a direction other than what the wife wants – yep, that’s the husband’s fault too!
I’m sorry (truly), but while PPD is a terrible afflication; women need some sort of a reality check. I don’t mean to offend anyone (quite the contrary actually), I’m just voicing what every husband has felt by being on the receiving of this. Yes PPD is a dire thing, yes it is a mental condition – but I truly think that rather than languishing in self pity (or worse yet, self denial) women should prove to be the mentally stronger sex they often claim to be and grow up a little. There are far harder things in life that a lot of people face, come to terms with & get over without causing half the fuss. Stop relying on some pill to resolve your hardships like modern society has become accustomed to and take a reality check to effectively conquer your afflication quickly & decisively. You can’t expect your husband to just continually lap up the severe abuse thrown at him indefinitely. Of course you don’t mean to, of course it is not your intention, of course you are a better person than that and of course this is just the ‘condition’ you are trying to overcome. BUT does that make your behavior more acceptable? Do you not have more respect for yourself, let alone for your husband? Before anyone judges me, freely ask me what I have done to support my wife, the lengths I have gone to, the sacrifices I have happily made in the name of love, support & marriage. I will happily share it all with you. Are we still married today? Yes, but not before we nearly lost everything!
PPD is monumentally rough people, but if women really need support, care & understanding to survive and come through it (which they REALLY do), then the first thing they need to learn is not to take it all out on the one person trying to help the most – their HUSBAND! It’s akin to knowing that you need your legs to finish the race, but you just decide to hack them off as the race starts – because you’re annoyed, confused and delusional. Or because your legs are pi**ing you off somehow. Talk about cutting your nose off to spite your face! Tough love is often the best kind of support there is, but it takes real courage to deliver it and even bigger courage to accept the truth/reality. Why live with your head in the clouds when you can reach a bit higher and see the bright blue sky?
My son is two months old. My girlfriend of 3 years had depression before she got pregnant and was taking meds for a bit but then she got better. Once she got pregnant I started to notice she wasn’t her self, she would be very emotional and sometimes cry for no reason. She still claimed to love me even though I wasn’t the greatest boyfriend. I didn’t have a job Im a ex gang memeber and was ill with chronic gerd and a bad t spine. I did help her do things like clean help cook and other things with whatever I could. She acted fine but something was still off. After she gave birth to our son, for couple days she was fine but then she became out of control. She would yell at me the all the time tell me I wasn’t good enough ,claimed to never love me, told me she wanted us to break up and for me to fine someone else. Some days she was so lovable other days she acted up. Once she even got violent with me and threw things at me and wanted to punch me. When I saw this behavior I couldn’t believe what was going on. Her symptoms are ver moody, she can become violent but it’s rare, sleeps all day so I have to take care of our son all day and night, she barely eats, always talks about leaving / running away. And claims to have no emotions and doesn’t feel anything. She is the sweetest and most innocent girl iknow. I’ve talked to her about her having ppd she denies it but other days tells me she notices it and needs help. The day’s she’s fine if something bothers her or someone tells her something she doesn’t like that will trigger it. She told me that we would only be together if I proved to her that I changed by getting a job and showing I’m more responsible. Now I live with my dad And have a job and she lives with her mom and she says we should see other people I tried to talk her out of it but she won’t listen to me. I’m trying really hard to make this work but it’s not looking so good . I want her to get better and i know this person she is now isn’t her at all and it makes me sad to see her act this way. I just want to be a family and to see my son more often because I don’t really trust her with him since I always took care of him since she never wanted to. I know I’m not the only one going through something like this and I know if I keep trying I can succeed. Also I always had patience with her and looked up what to and not say . Also when I told her I loved her or other things she never believed me.
I’m sorry this is happening. Please know that you are being so good to your family, by giving this space and time and sticking it out. I think I understood that she is now willing to get help. I hope that’s the case and that in time you will all heal. That she will get better and her mind will clear. I hope you guys can find your way, and if not, please remember that you are being an excellent dad.
Can someone please tell me what to do when my wife is just laying the blame for everything at my door and refuses to listen to any reason? I need a bit of help here because as much as I want to keep our new family together, I simply can’t take her BS much longer and I am ready to walk out the door. A part of me believes that this is exactly what she wants and is deliberately pushing me towards it, because what other reason would she have for refusing to believe in reality so blatantly?
We are married 4 years, but we are together 16 years since we were 18 years old. In some respects, we have grown up together. We’ve had plenty of arguments along the way, everything from jealously in the early days, socially being complete opposites and more recently, her demented father (who lost his own wife 6 years ago) wanting to spend excessive amounts of time with us, despite having other children. Overall, our life together has been good. There have been bad times, but the good times definitely outweigh them. Part of the problem here is that my wife (in her current state) would not agree with that. I appreciate that the global sentiment is that women hold grudges and never forget anything, but she is continually replaying in her head, all of the negative things from our past where things that happened 12 years ago are suddenly becoming a problem today.
She has been diagnosed with PPD and has been prescribed a number of different tablets to find a suitable one. It has been 9 months since our baby was born but if I could say anything, I’d say she is getting worse, no better. It doesn’t matter what we talk about these days, her opinions (and altered memories) are not entirely factual, but she delivers them with a sense of authority where she would put her life on the line to prove it. I have talked to her friends & family and because we were all so concerned, we organised a very relaxed intervention for her, to say we understood, we were there to support her, we wanted to help in any way. She seemed to take it very well at the time, but she went completely hysterical on me when everyone had left. I thought it was because she felt betrayed by what I did, but she said (during her rage) “how can all of your f*£king idiots be so dumb”? I have been called a million names, told that I never supported her since our baby arrived, that I am useless and then she just flicks a switch and goes back to something I did 5 years ago that pissed her off. She has so much hatred, rage & resentment towards me, it is becoming intolerable to live with. While I am a forgiving person as much as the next guy, I’m also worried that I won’t be able to forgive or forget a lot of the things she has said to me for the last 9 months. I am frustrated beyond comprehension (aside from the fact that we’ve only had sex a handful of times in 9 months because she never feels like it due to her tablets). In essence, how do you get through to someone you love when she has become both deaf & blind to any common sense? She can’t even see what her behaviour & current beliefs are doing to our family right now, she is entirely dogmatic. I don’t know a single person alive who would continually put up with this behaviour for 9 hours, never mind 9 months. By the way, I have read two published books on PPD/PPA/PPP, so I know a lot about the condition. What none of those books explain, is how to live past the deluge of insults, hatred, verbal abuse & pure resentment for a prolonged period of time and still come out the other side with love in your heart for that same person. Help.
Tony, I’m so sorry your wife has been stolen by this illness. It sounds like the help she is getting is not enough. If she is not seeing a therapist aside from taking medication, medication just may not be enough. Or she is still not finding the right medication or combination of medications to reduce her symptoms to the point that her anger and rage dissipate. It would also be good for both of you to do counseling together. I’m sure you feel so tired and helpless and hopeless. I don’t blame you. But let’s start with that question: Is she in therapy?
Thank you for responding & for your words of understanding. I think it would be the understatement of 2015 to say that the person who once resembled my wife is not getting the right sort of help. I have tried (unsuccessfully) to suggest that she goes to therapy to talking about her feelings & emotions to someone independent, but I continually get shot down in flames. Part of her logic has to do with finances, as she just doesn’t see the point behind spending a hundred bucks a session to go and talk to a professional. The other side of her apparent logic is due to seeing a therapist once before (for months, over her mother’s death) and it opening a bigger can of worms for her instead of resolving anything, so she just lost faith and stopped going. (I couldn’t really blame her on that occasion because from what I heard I didn’t think her therapist was much good to her. She often came home so upset and her head just seemed frazzled like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. Her therapy also developed problems in certain areas of our marriage when none had existed before. So much for therapy resolving problems instead of creating them! Personally, I don’t think she had a clear agenda when she went to therapy of what she wanted to get out of it, so it ebbed & flowed in various directions each week with no real structure on progress. I also personally think she should have sought a grievance counsellor and not a general therapist but again, she wouldn’t listen to me when I suggested that. Realistically, since that first therapy session back then, she has closed herself off to me and she has never been the same woman since.
I couldn’t tell you what medications she is on anymore because they have changed frequently and now she just won’t even talk about it. Last I heard, she was on something that was very high strength and while she appeared slightly happier at the time – she was like a zombie because she was so tired and had zero sex-drive. She had also read up on the side effects of anti-depressants, so wanted to lower her dose as soon as she could. I assume she did lower the dose, because she wasn’t as tired for a while, but the erratic behaviour came back stronger than ever again. The other side was that we initially planned to have more children (her clock is ticking) and she couldn’t be on anti-depressants if trying to get pregnant. Clearly with her attitude towards me now, that is no longer an issue, but I fear it will come back to haunt her for the rest of her life. You are right, I do feel tired and helpless but I feel betrayed and angry more than anything. I feel like I have wasted 16 years of my life and my thoughts these days are closer to finding my own apartment, moving out and getting on with my life. If I didn’t have a baby to consider, I would have left months ago.
Tony, I wish I had more answers for you. I wish that helping someone who doesn’t want to be helped had a fix. Of course, it is only in those extreme cases where the person is a danger to themselves or others that that is possible.
If it is an option for you, I would encourage you to get your own counseling. You have a very big decision ahead of you. I totally understand why you have been pushed to make it, I would simply encourage you to take very careful steps, with a professional guiding you, as you go…or don’t go. The risk here is that your wife could get better in time. Her head could clear, she could find the right dosage of meds…her hormones might stop making her so different, etc. And if you have decided to end the marriage and that happens, you may have a lot of regret. That isn’t to say that you should hang on while feeling abused and attacked and just hope that it gets better. But it is (you know this) a very tricky thing. Please try to remember that your wife isn’t doing these things to you, this illness is doing horrible things to both of you. Be angry at the illness, as much as you can.
You never know, if you tell your wife that you are going to get help so you can work through what you should do and that you are seriously considering leaving…if you can tell her that as gently as possible, it may help her see she needs to do something more to get help. If you focus on the disease itself, that you feel it has destroyed your marriage, instead of telling her all the things she is doing that hurt or anger you, it may help her remain more calm. I don’t know. Just some thoughts, because I really wish I could help.
Thank you so much for your thoughts. I certainly realise the enormity of the decision I am faced with and it will not be made lightly. As things stand & as they have been for so many months, waiting around for my wife to miraculously rediscover reality, I would have a better chance of being struck by lightening TWICE while sitting on the moon watching a storm in Earth’s atmosphere 238,900 miles away! I understand the concept behind the word “devotion”, but for real, who would actually tolerate this abuse indefinitely? In fact any word assimilated with marriage is supposed to be a two way street, otherwise it can’t work.
I would have originally agreed with your comment that it wasn’t my wife doing this to me/us, that it was the illness doing it. I would have extended such a benefit of doubt once upon a time. That was initially however and too many careless things have been said by her where it is impossible to believe she is not aware of what she is saying or why. As I originally said, she is so passionate about her beliefs now there is no reasoning with her. I naturally drew the assumption that she was doing all of this on purpose to cause a breakup. I am convinced that she believes right now that she doesn’t love me anymore, her daily actions prove this. She’s just afraid to say it in case it is the tablets or illness making her feel that way and she doesn’t want to make a big mistake. She would rather have a serious argument over petty issues all night long to prove her BS to me, or else she ignores me & won’t speak a single word to me for a week if I don’t sit there and listen to her dishing the BS out. She even came to my office at lunchtime the other day. Not to say hi or go out to lunch, but to pick a fight about an unresolved issue the night before! She’ll do all of this instead of even contemplating for just sixty seconds that she might be confused, or in need of some therapy. In her own words: “who the f*@k are you Tony to sit there and have an opinion about me you f*@king hypocrite, I can’t stand the sight of you”. Exactly!
The most ironic thing about her newfound false superiority is, she was never a candidate for wife of the year to begin with. I always loved her regardless, but I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been indirectly made to feel really jealous by my buddies. They’re all married with kids, but they talk about date nights, sexy outfits & underwear by a wife making a real effort and the kind of steamy sex their wife had premeditated. (These are life long law school friends in a tight group, so I really know it’s not being exaggerated. I also have buddies who complain about being in a similarly neglectful situation like me.) My wife has never been capable of such things even before kids and told me so many times “that sort of crap only happens in the movies Tony, live in reality for a change”. Sometimes it’s very easy to think that she believes she is in a lesbian relationship instead of being married to a red-blooded male. We all have needs, why does she get to dismiss mine all of the time? She has a decorated past of causing more conflict in our relationship than I ever did & she had a drunken one night stand years ago at her office party which I eventually forgave her for – even though I found out from her work friends because she couldn’t tell me herself. So it’s difficult to take the level of BS from her just because of some distorted newfound confidence which is most likely from her meds. I know I’m not perfect. I have my own flaws which drive her mad sometimes, yet she talks to me today like I have been the real problem in life all along and that I should have realised this for myself years ago and left if I had any honor.
People discussing PPD afflictions seem to regularly go down the avenue of; “it’s not your wife treating you so badly, it’s the illness”. Or I have also read; “try to hang on in there and be as supportive to your wife as y’all can be”. The best one is: “you should both go to therapy to find a way to overcome it”. Have I died and gone to the Twillight Zone without realising it? Needing to go to therapy just to support her is a stretch on its own, but going to therapy because I am now somehow more than 50% of all issues is a concept belonging to an asylum. It would just be a huge argument and end in divorce. Before I would ever even consider going to therapy, an admission reflecting reality as to why we were going would be required. It’s as though the one with their head at sea, living in denial & causing so much conflict, is the one receiving unconditional support. How can that be healthy or aide a more efficient recovery? It’s like asking me to personally undergo chemotherapy in support of my wife’s cancer.
The key question is this; “if the roles were entirely reversed (based on majorities) and men suffered PPD & women were on the receiving end of the affliction, how many women would be so unconditionally supportive & stand by their man throughout months or years of neglect & abuse? How many would be having affairs or demanding an immediate divorce – citing male chauvinism and arguing there is but one life to live”?? I have a pretty good idea how that would play out and I think most people would too. We live in a world of double standards for real, but the light only seems to shine on women’s inequality & struggles, not on the difficulties faced by men.
With a New Year beckoning, change is imminent.
Happy holidays to all.
My wife is leaving me says I deserve better our son is 6 weeks I have no idea how to help her or what to do
Please can some one tell me what to do
Dan, I’m so sorry. Is she willing to talk with a doctor? She needs help. I hope she’s willing. A person can’t be forced to get help unless they appear to be a danger to themselves or anyone else. But if she is open to it, she needs treatment to get better. Working through this is so hard, but so worth it. I’m sorry you are going through it.
Hi, I think i’m suffering from PPD but am never really diagnosed. I dont know if I should go to my Ob or just go to a psychiatrist directly. Psychs are hard to come by here in the philippines and expensive too. It’s just that reading PPD articles, even the comments on this page; I can relate to these experiences so much. I may have already been depressed while I was pregnant, it may have worsened after I gave birth and I keep struggling with it till now. Our baby is almost 3 mos old btw. I feel sorry for my husband who recieves all my angry outburts about practically the most petty things. He’s been really patient up till now, but I think im nearing the end of his tether. I’m thinking maybe we should separate to give each other some space and time, as im always angry; most of the time at him, and I dont want to give him a hard time anymore. I do think it may just be the PPD that’s why im acting this way. I was never like this before I got pregnant. It’s only when I was pregnant that I kept on crying, didnt have any appetite at all and keep thinking about leaving. I’m also constantly paranoid that everyone around me is out to get me, or wants to hurt me (emotionally). My husband and I married young, he was 21 and I was 23. I keep thinking that If we hadn’t gotten married everything would have been different, we wouldnt be at each other’s throats most of the time; which is what is happening now. I still want to save my marriage but I keep on thinking that the longer we stay together, the worse it would get until either he or I would be tired and just end our marriage. Divorce isn’t applicable in the phils though, so would separating just for a short while, help by any chance?
Hello there, mama. It would be good to start with your OB and take it from there. Your OB may be able to give you exactly what you need–in advice and possibly medication. Therapy/counseling is always a good idea as well, so maybe your OB could give you a referral for that. I’m not sure how it works there. As for your marriage, it would be best to not decide right now, mama. The focus needs to be on getting better. You will be able to work through this in a more healthy way if you can get some help first. I’m sending you peace as you begin your treatment journey. You are going to be okay, mama.
Been down that road, instead of saying hey wife do we need to find you help or are you okay.. he said “go look yourself in the F*** mirror you look like a piece of S***”
since our marriage has not been the same and we are divorcing as he “feel in love” with his coworker / affair partner
Andrea, I’m so sorry. You are worth so much more than that. I hope you find a way to grieve and let go, because you don’t deserve this. You deserve so much better. Please reach out for help if you have not. I’m so sorry.
Currently going thru this right now, I got married while I was carrying my now 7 month old daughter. I’ve been married a total of 7 months & already headed to marriage counseling. Postpartum has me having mood swings, acting distant & cold and overall just not myself (according to my husband) it’s a daily struggle to regulate my feelings when I’m around my husband.
About to get separated. Married for two years and have a 15month old boy. My wife says I wasn’t there for her mentally when she got pregnant and the first 5 weeks after delivery. I have ADHD and I would always do anything she told me to or needed I even asked at times if she needed something. I was with her everyday and communicated with her all the time. I work 60 hrs a week, I come home, clean up, do laundry, get groceries. I was told I never listened to her or helped her with anything during those times. I am not a drunk or addict of any sort. I take meds and have therapy for my condition and I’m always trying to better myself. I help with the all the baby changing every morning and evening and also feeding and putting him to sleep at night. I get yelled at for not knowing things and even told I have no common sense. I always shut down after making a mistake and I just feel bad about myself and this was almost every day. I told her she should get help in a psychiatrist or any time of help and she refused and said she doesn’t need to. Every mistake I did was never on purpose I never did things intentional to make her mad or upset. I told my therapist that the day I talk back to her is the day she would divorce or leave me because I never talked back to her in a bad way. And rightfully so the day came where I was tired of feeling worthless and spoke up, and yup now she is leaving and we are arranging everything fairly. I never wanted this I always wanted to make her happy and I couldn’t make her happy.
I’m so sorry. It sounds like there has been a struggle with her mental health and this is too often the outcome when someone refuses to get help. You are being a great dad, and you can continue to do that. It’s so hard when we cannot control the health and decisions of someone we love and care for, especially when their opinions are skewed by their illness. Letting go is so hard. I’m glad you have a therapist, and again, I’m so sorry. Keep being there for that child, and you will have no regrets in the long run. Keep remembering that you did the best you could with a hard situation. Peace to you and yours.
Thanks, she is a great mom but with us it didn’t work out. I wish her the best and hope she one day realizes she needs some sort of counseling. Maybe being away from me is going to help her.
Hello my name is Kris and I do hope this vlog is still active…im going through it myself…my wife wsnts to just be friends…she hangs with her friends more than me…she loves to have sex with me but she always sees me as a friend than her husband…says she “has love for me” but doesnt love me…this is not my wife…she claims she used me for a way out when her mother put her out 4 years ago…”yes weve been married for 4 years…i love my wife to death…and she seems to always ask me for a divorce but i wont give her one…she seems like she wants to find ways to fet me to do it…mainly by hurting me so itll force me away…i just dont know anymore…im stressed
Best of luck to all of you.My experience was a bit more extreme.mental illness,pregnancy denial(20 weeks)prepartum and postpartum depression possibly psychosis,has destroyed a perfect nine year relationship.
My little guy is 8 months old. From the moment I gave birth I knew I had PPD. I have become an angry person who snaps at her husband non-stop about everything. I have become a perfectionist and if anything doesn’t go just as I plan I get anxious and upset. I have talked to my husband about this several times and am waiting for a therapist to call me back about an appointment so that I can get help. I know I need help but I also want to say that I feel like if I don’t tell my husband literally step by step what to do it doesn’t get done. It’s been 8 months, I shouldn’t have to tell him what needs done to take care of our son. All my husband cares about is being on his cell phone, watching TV, or playing golf. It annoys me SO much! I am in a fine mood whenever my husband is not around but the second he steps in the door I become an anxious impatient monster. I honestly feel like I despise him. I will admit that some of the time he literally does nothing and I am still mad or upset or snipping at him for no reason. It’s like all of these things have piled up and I can’t take it anymore. He literally makes me agitated all of the time. On the other hand if I do have an actual complaint about him that is legit he will blame it on me and being “crazy”. It’s just getting so old, I feel like I would be better off on my own.
This is so hard, and so common for people struggling with PPD/PPA, etc. I’m sure you have valid reasons for frustration, it sounds like he doesn’t really get it, but staying stuck in frustration is partly your mental health, maybe even entirely your mental health, not you…or even him. It sounds like you’re aware of that. I’m so glad you made that call to start recovering. It would be good if you two could go to counseling together as well. I hope you can get through this. I always tell people that now is NOT the time to make decisions about staying together or not. The baby transition, hormones, depression, anxiety…those are temporary things and often people find their way back to a better place, together.
Another thing that really frustrated me was that I messaged my ob and sought help for PPD. I received a message back saying it’s not PPD it’s just depression because it’s been 8 months and I need to self refer.
Ugh, I’m sorry. I hate hearing that. Unfortunately not all providers fully understand postpartum mental health. PPD can certainly be at fault, even at 8 months. If you need to find someone who specializes we have an extensive list – http://postpartumprogress.com/womens-mental-health-treatment-programs-specialists-us-canada-australia
My wife just told me that she thinks the reason she hates me is due to ppd .she don’t even know why she hates me .we almost split up a few months ago. Is there anything I can do to fix us.
Thank you for reaching out. PPD effects so many marriages negatively. You are not alone. It isn’t your wife’s fault, or your fault. Your wife needs professional help if she hasn’t had that yet. If you aren’t in counseling, that would be good for you both as well. Your marriage can heal with time and help. I’m sending you peace….
Where do I begin? One day my wife says “I don’t love you anymore, you’ve made me numb.” She is blaming arguments in our past. We have been together 7 years, married for 21 months and have a 1 year old daughter. We got pregnant right after our wedding. She states age can’t get over our past and mean things I’ve said although we moved past it before and hit married. There was no infidelity or anything serious like that. She said she is miserable and wants to separate. I’m totally devastated. We are in marriage counseling because she sees the last as the issue. She wanted to do counseling to fix our marriage and she wanted to make an attempt but now she is saying she doesn’t want to live with me anymore. One day she loves me and we have sexual relations then the next three days she hates me. On one hand she says she wants to work on us then the next day she could care less. This is a roller coaster of emotions. Is this normal for PPD? She has finally made an appointment with an OB/GYN for PPD issues. I’m hoping she gets something fur thus because she hates me. I can’t keep going everyday being miserable. Can someone please tell me it will get better or at least this is normal? She started getting anxiety and PPD around 9-10 months postpartum when her milk production started to drop. She is weaning our daughter because she products such a small amount of milk now.
Stanley, yes, this is normal for PPD. I’m so glad to hear that she is getting help. This can get better, truly. Both of you need help and time. It’s so rough, and I’m so sorry you’re hurting like this. Your wife needs treatment and things can turn around. Sometimes people get so lost when their mental health is bad, and that’s not anyone’s fault. Therapy is really important for both of you. I’m sending you peace.
Thank you for the reply. I don’t know how to act around her. She hates being near me, always on Facebook or texting so she doesn’t have to make contact with me. Wanting to be at work or stay at work. Do I ignore her or do I interact with her? What should I do? I dread her being near me. That’s how bad it is.
Sometimes we let things build and build. There’s this huge obvious thing going on, and we get used to avoiding it, and not interacting, and not facing reality because it’s too big and scary. But the best relationships are filled with vulnerability and honesty. It would be best for you to talk to a therapist about how to approach (or not approach) her. This kind of strife and strain calls for professional help. We all need that sometimes. Life throws illness and tragedy our way, and we need help. It’s okay to reach out for that help, Stanley, even if she doesn’t want you to do that. I know this is so hard, and I’m sending you both peace.
What bothers me is our marriage/family counselor says there is no postpartum involved in this and it’s a relationship issue, even after she had my wife fill out a questionnaire about postpartum and agreed there was postpartum issues after looking at the questionnaire two weeks ago. My wife is making me out to be the villain and using this against me and the counselor isn’t seeing it. The counselor a view changed after my wife had a private session with her. Should we find a different counselor who is trained in postpartum?
So my gf of goin on 8 yrs. Has an anxiety problem already and we broke up b4 from it. But now we got a lil boy thats 5 months. Things were good but lately i notice she has been changing. She tells me why is my son crying for and im like cause he is a bby. And she flips out like no he shouldnt be crying at all when we are around. Then she tells me i dnt do any thing. But yet i do everything in the book. She starting to resent me. She hates when im near her. She never wants to talk about her problem. She says family will tell you wats best for you. And i say friends will tell yu what yu want to hear. Not whats right or wrong. Moments we seem good and hits me with the dont touch me. I recently told her she might have ppd. And she laughed at me and say no way. And swore i was being physcho. And say just cuzz i have symptom doesnt mean i have ppd. And say yu really pushed my button. For me to get my stuff and leave. She said i left the first time with anxiety. And now i feel it sucks because she may have ppd. She went out to buffalo wild wings with her girl friendd. And fail to check on her son. Like what mother doesnt call. And she swears she fine and normal and i feel bad that i brought up ppd to her. Now i may lose my family for good. I dnt know what to do. Ima fight for my family for sure. But how when she aint cooperative. Dats it i feel and it really hurts.
MG, I’m sorry she responded this way, and that you are both going through this. It is very common for someone struggling with PPD and anxiety to become frustrated and blame others. That isn’t her fault, but if she’s in denial about her symptoms, it’s very hard to help her. You can’t force her, and I wish there was an easier answer. If you guys have friends or family you can trust, you might consider talking to someone close to her to see if they can help in talking with her. She may receive their care and concern more easily than when it comes from you. People have a harder time accepting that their mental health is not right coming from someone other than their partner. It would be best for you to seek therapy for yourself, to get help working through this. I hope that’s an option for you. I’m sorry, MG.
Thanks it feels good to know theres problems similar to mine. I know she hasnt been the same and i her family sees it as well. But she doesnt want to talk to none of us. She thinks we will tell her stuff and feel forced. And really its the truth. And her friends that dont know me or our relationship in general she would tell everything. And they dont care. They will tell her stuff she wants the hear and thats not right. It she go both ways. I juss really want this to wrkk. She sees through me not with me. I cant leave even though she wants to because it may put more stress on her and she may gett deeper into depression. Even though she stubborn to admit she has ppd. I know she does. And im remaining cool and calm. I love my family. Just need her to snap out of it.
What about husbands who suffer from PPD? Husband started drinking and going out a lot more after baby was born and not coming home at night. Stopped having dinner with me and showing no affection. He couldn’t stand the baby crying. He became very jealous and controlling of me. He didn’t want me around my friends or family. I started doing what he wanted to avoid arguments. Things improved after I returned to work. Now we are experiencing the same thing but worse with the second baby. He has become very jealous and controlling and even violent towards me and toddler. Our toddler is afraid of him and doesn’t want to be at home. The police got involved and now there is no contact. I think it could be PPD or is he just abusive? How do I know what’s causing this behaviour?
Hera, I’m so sorry. Because I don’t know your husband or all the specifics of the situation, or what he was like before. It sounds like no matter what the reason is, he needs help. Professional help. It’s so hard, and you’ve been through so much. I hope you are able to rely on friends and family and take care of yourself right now. Peace to you….
Hi. My wife and I have been together for 6 years now married for 2 years. I been ready the messages on this we page and must be honest I am so glad that I am not the only one going through this my wife has been seeing a therapist for about 3 months now and has started taking anti depresses. We have come close to divorce 2 time now last being yesterday. She tells mee she loves me but does not know if she wants to be with me I started doing research and found out my wife is suffering from ppd this is why she is the way she is. The way she explains it is that something switched off when she gave birth. We have been going through this the last 4 months. I just want her back the way she was. Anyway the reason I am sending this message is I want to know what is the best way for me to handle this cause I have tried talking nicely and like one of the guys said earlier it ok for a day than when she wakes up its all been forgotten. I have tried being angry I have tried being different doing random things but nothing seems to work our communication is almost non existent. I am starting to feel like I am loosing the plot. Any kind of advise will be great as long as it helps honestly getting despot ate now I love her and don’t want my new family torn apart by something that can be fixed
Clinton, thank you for reaching out. I’m sorry you guys are going through this. If your wife is not seeking specialized care, with a doctor and therapist that specialize in postpartum mental health, that may be really helpful. This takes time, getting better. It puts a strain on most marriages. Many couples need to seek therapy together to work out how to communicate as they go. It’s so hard, and I’m sorry you’re going through it. It’s good she started counseling and meds, I hope it starts working for her. It can take some to find the right therapeutic dose. I’m wishing you all the best.
If you’d like to look at specialists, you can find them under “find help” to see if there are any near you.
If your wife is open to it, she may benefit from joining other mothers struggling with that feeling of something changing inside after having a baby. This is very common and she’s not alone, or failing…this is an illness. The forum is right here on this page as well, under “join our community”.
Peace to you and yours.
Hang in there. I’m going through it right now too. I’ve been fighting the fight for about 3 months. She hates me and divorce has come up several times. She is in denial but at least we are in couples counseling and she is seeing a psychiatrist for anxiety. She is adamant it’s not PPD but everything was great until the baby. Keep the faith. I am.
My wife and I have a precious 6 month old baby girl. Recently she told me that she “loves me but isnt in love with me anymore”. Our marriage has began to fall apart, out of nowhere. We are trying to work through it. I havent and wont give up. She feels emotionaly disconnected as she puts it. She says that we are not compatible. I havent been there for her emotionally like i should have been. She says that we would make better friends than we do husband and wife. Can someone please help me? I know that our marriage is not doomed and is not over and I know she doesnt want to leave and break up our marriage. I believe this is the depression clouding her vision and judgement. I need help to know how to help her deal with this and help her work through this tough time. Any advice would be very much appreciated.
Jacob, I’m sorry you’re both going through this. The advice I have is to seek professional help, if your wife has not done that yet. There are excellent specialists that can be of service to you both right now, through therapy. Most mamas do best with a combination of medication and therapy. There truly is hope, and I send peace to both of you!
It’s hard and I’m going through it too. We act as roommates right now and my wife says she prefer we are friends. No sex in about three months and no real physical touching except when I initiate a kiss or a back rub. She’s turned off emotionally. We are in couples counseling and she’s seeing a psychiatrist. I’m holding out hope but I’ve already made up my mind and have a time frame in mind if its not better by a certain time then I need to do what’s best for me. Get support for yourself and talk to someone, a therapist or a member of the clergy, someone, even close friends or family so you get support. It’s tough buddy but from one guy this other, hang in there. My wife is making very small progress. She waited 9 months to get treated and it’s going to take a while to get better. This is a scary experience but guys need to stick together and talk to. You aren’t alone.
My now ex-fiancee and i have 3 beautiful children and had been together eight and a half years. About 14 months after our second child, she randomly decided it was all over…. for 48 hours and then after a massive crying session, we got back together.
Things started looking up from there and later down the line she asked me if we should try for our 3rd. I agreed as i worship the ground she walks on and our children make me see every day with sunshine.
It’s now 16 months after the birth of our latest child and out of the blue, she left me a letter on my desk and left for a week. Emotionally destroyed is an understatement. She claims i have never supported her, she cant remember when she last loved me and it’s like talking to a shell of the woman i fell for. Apart from two occasions where i opted to work to keep food to the table as money was crippling the family……in the eight and a half years, i have always been there supporting her and showing my love daily.
She has dropped loads of weight, her short-term memory is fried, always tired and tells me she has lost herself…… and i’m to blame…
She has moved back in temporarily until she can find a new house, but it’s strained. I keep trying to reassure her and some days i see a flicker, but others are cold. At least she has agreed to a dr’s appointment and possibly counselling. But so many people are asking if it’s PPD as they are starting to notice a change too.
Update: The doctor has diagnosed PPD and an emergency counsellor has been assigned along with medication about a week ago.
Right now we have good days and bad, but we have been told for her to not move out, but to stay put for a while to see how things progress.
It’s hard, very hard and some days i’m close to breaking, but i know i have to be strong for her and provide a stable home life for her and the children.
I am going through post partum right now. After my visa was issued, my baby and I moved to the states to be with my husband. However, our prior discussion about our living arrangement came for he worst. He was still living a bachelor life where as the room was not equipped for baby and i. After months of living there, with anxiety, stress, no family, no resources and feeling isolated, I told my husband i would move back to CA. Since moving back in with my family members, my husband has distanced himself from.me.. although I am in the mist of sponsoring him up here instead, it sounds as though he will not be leaving his country which he has lived all his life. Living in CA, I really do feel I have no one, no husband and living life as a single mother. Why I say single.mother bc husband has not visited me and baby since moving back home. he has made several video calls but feels really deserted. My friends are all single, I just keep telling myself, I must be strong for her. Right now, I have the flu and it is so hard taking care of her on my own. But all I can do is think positively, get through each day slowly and say to myself, divorce, separated or not, as a new mother I must do what’s best for her and everything for her.
Winnie, I’m sorry you are so isolated in this. There are many postpartum support groups in California. We have a list on this site under find help, if you’d like to explore that option. Support is key to getting better. What’s best for your sweet baby is for you to get some help to get better. You don’t have to live like this. There is so much professional help out there, specialists who understand and can treat this illness. I’m sending you peace.
My wife served me with divorce papers yesterday. She’s been struggling with issues since June, looking for any way to end our relationship, blaming me for everything. She reached out to my ex in order to bolster her feelings. I left my ex for my current wife so of course the conversation was more than likely not too nice. Unfortunately my wife wants to create issues that aren’t really issues and has done so. It is almost like she has intentionally set out to destroy our marriage. Now she says she is done after becoming friends with my ex. I’m at a loss as to why she would even consider speaking to her, she would never do something like this before. The woman I married two years ago is completely gone. Nothing resembles her at all. It is truly sad. Now I must focus on taking care of my daughter.
I’m so sorry, Stanley. I wish there was a way to fix it from here. I’m sending you peace.
My wife refused to admit she had an issue to me but admitted it to her family. About a year ago she started having issues, three months after the birth of our baby. She refused treatment because she was scared of the medicine. Her family turned a blind eye and would not try to help her. She started to spiral out of control, become extremely paranoid, quit going to our counselor and her psychiatrist and moved out to her parents house. Her father must know something is wrong with her because he said “get out and don’t look back, just keep moving forward”. She filed for divorce and now she is making it messy. I also found out she has been having an emotional affair with a coworker. She has put me through hell for the last 5 months and looks to continue to through the divorce, using our child as a bargaining chip. Not the woman I married a few years ago.
Wow. I wanted to let Stanley, FrenchFries, Jayse and others know that I’ve been going through something very similar here. I was thrilled to be father and start a family. It was the one thing on earth I wanted more than anything. My wife had a difficult birth and we have trouble from day one that just escalated. I made a couple mistakes. I took things personally too often and fueled the fire by arguing back when my feelings were hurt. I also didn’t force help upon her as well as I probably could have. I suggested numerous times but didn’t force it. We are currently separated and divorce papers have been filed. I don’t think there is any chance of turning her around at this point. We are going to therapy as a couple at them moment but wife has told me it isn’t so that we can get back together but so we can co-parent as a divorced couple. It is the worst thing I could ever imagine happening and I spend all day and night worrying about my young daughter. I know my daughter needs me and I know I need her. Hang in there everyone. I am still hoping that we can turn things around but doesn’t look good.
i want my divorced husband to feel in love with me again post comment