Casey, who writes the blog Moosh in Indy, has written a very beautiful piece on her depression and how it may (or may not) affect her child. It is a true love letter to her daughter. The photos she includes of she and her baby together are just gorgeous, and I found the sentiment of her post really compelling.
“I have always worried about the day you would be old enough to know when I’m not doing well. I’m not the mom you deserve when I’m in the dark. But you are so resilient. You take such good care of me when I’m lost in my own brain. You heal me. But it’s not fair, you’re only four. I sometimes wonder what I would be like if I didn’t have these demons to battle. Would I be very average and boring? I guess it’s not even worth giving any thought to. This is my trial.”
Casey has received more than 80comments on her piece, some of which are from women with or who have had postpartum depression. They are worth reading as well, like this one:
“My own mother went undiagnosed with postpartum depression for about 5 years. It just wasn’t talked about much ‘back then.’ Those were dark times for her. (and my dad…in med school & residency!) I was about age 2-7 during this time and I can vaguely remember times of hearing her cry in her bedroom and sensing that things weren’t always right but that’s about it. I remember having a happy childhood.
Talking to her after having my last baby, she expressed to me that during her darkest times she would have one goal for her day: That her children could say they had a happy mom. And I can say that.”
Some of the women who go through postpartum depression are women who’ve always suffered depression. Some knew they suffered all along, some have just realized it for the first time through their bout with PPD. Whether you are in atemporary dance with depression, or you are someone with whom it remains, you wonder and worry about your babies. I still worry to this day whether all that crying during his infancy was somehow permanently imprinted on my son somewhere like a tattoo or a scarlet letter. Is it deep down in him somewhere waiting to explode? Will he have depression as well?
I know you think the same things. I know you ask yourself the same questions. We have to remind ourselves that all life, even lives that have never been touched by any form of mental illness, includes suffering. All children see darkness at some point. There are traumas, letdowns, disappointments, deaths, failures … Our children will have them. Other children will have them. All we can do is give love one day at a time.
For more on this, read What Have I Wrought: Postpartum Depression’s Impact on Our Children.
