Some fellow Warrior Moms have been exploring two topics recently that are very top of mind for women who have perinatal mood and anxiety disorders: breastfeeding and the issue of whether to have another child after postpartum depression.
Alexis Lesa at depressionsandconfessions wrote about the whole tired, annoying breastfeeding versus bottle thing. As many of you know, I formula fed because I had so much trouble and anxiety around breastfeeding and because I was on meds. I REALLY do not have patience with anyone who wants to try and make me feel bad about that. Neither does Alexis.
“i won’t try to make you use disposable diapers or roll my eyes because you use cloth, and you don’t eviscerate me for giving my kids formula. i think that’s a good compromise. if you have an opinion about something, fine, preach it. that’s what blogging is all about, making your opinions known. but try not to make me out to be a devil-worshipping serial killer for choosing a lifestyle you disagree with. i love my kids with a fierceness i’m sure you understand, because you love your kids like that, too.”
Jeanne Sager at Cafe Mom’s The Stir blog also writes about how breastfeeding affected her:
I wanted to breastfeed. I needed to breastfeed. Raised by a breastfeeding mother, having read every study and book out there, I was hellbent on giving my baby the very best start in life.
And two weeks into it, I was still not getting it right. I was following what I now know was bad advice in the hospital — studies have now shown just how poorly educated maternity ward nurses are on the whole about breastfeeding — getting up every two hours to wake my baby to eat, and every other hour to pump to up my production.
Like Howard, I was getting no sleep because there was no time.
And so I sunk into the numbness that is postpartum depression.
I refused to leave my house except for my daughter’s follow-up visit to the pediatrician and my follow-up visit to the OB/GYN.
This is why the breastfeeding wars bother me. Because the power of breast milk is real. But so too is the power of helplessness.”
Me too, Jeanne! ME TOO!
Leigh at Cinderella’s Closet writes about thinking about having another baby 3 years after having gone through postpartum depression.
It’s been THREE years. What if, I wait and wait, wanting to feel ready, and it just never happens, I never do feel ready? What then? I don’t want to plan my whole life around this depression. That thought alone makes me depressed. I want to live, I want to continue on with my life and let the past be past. But it is SO hard. So very hard.
Do we ever feel exactly ready? I remember my mom telling me there is no such thing as the “exact right time” to have a baby. She was right. That doesn’t make it any easier to make the decision. In my case the decision was made for me. I got pregnant unexpectedly and I decided to just trust God that I was meant to have this second baby even though I was terrified of having postpartum OCD again. Now I have Madden, who is such a light in my life.
Grace at Arms Wide Open had a guest blogger on this topic as well. Amanda from the Lungos writes about how she made the decision and what her experience was the second time around.
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Hey, fellow mamas. I posted "A Mother Without A Breast" two years ago, and just wanted to add a follow-up. I'm expecting my son any day now, and I'm in such a peaceful place about not breastfeeding this one. During this pregnancy I worked closely with a psychiatrist to try to find a substitute for the Only Antidepressant That's Ever Worked for Me. We tried four different medications and I relapsed each time within a matter of days. The difference, at the end of this experiment, was that I didn't fall apart, and I didn't try to pretend that ineffective treatment would somehow be OK for me (or my baby). All I had to do was look at my four-year-old daughter, who has benefited so profoundly from having an attuned, empathic, fully-present mother, to know that this was a far greater gift to give her than breastmilk from a depressed mom. I am REALLY excited to greet my son, and because I have been on my full dose of antidepressant this pregnancy, along with excellent therapy and support, I am not afraid of the postpartum period. If I do get depressed, I know where to turn and what to do.
I am so grateful for this website–I check it at least once a week and it's a validating "shot in the arm" for this warrior mom!
i was just getting so sick of it all, katherine–i'm sure you know exactly what i mean. not so much the fact that there is a debate, but the fact that people can be so condescending. i'm done with that. thanks for the mention. i am, as always, honored.
Thank you for posting this. I too, ending up in an endless cycle of guilt, anxiety, fear, embarrassment, etc, etc. I switched to formula, reluctantly, with both of my babies and you know what, they are doing great and really it helped me to start on my road to recovery with my ppd/ppa! Sometimes I wish there wasn't such a stigma attached to whether or not mommies breastfed. I certainly don't think it's the measuring stick for whether or not you are a good parent. There is so much more to being a parent than breastfeeding! I believe happy mommy=happy baby, period:)!
OMG, I can so relate. I was going to breasteed. I WANTED to breastfeed. I purchased pumps and storage bags and Boppys. I was going to do what was right for my baby. But as it turned out, my baby wanted none of it. He would try to latch on and then push away from me, violently screaming. Every lactation expert's hands were on me for the five day period I was in the hospital (I had birthing complications so had an extended stay) and not one of them could get him to latch on. I tried pumping, but my milk eventually dried up and his demands far outweigh what I could give him. I went to formula feeding after both my psychiatrist and therapist pointed out that it was making me nuts, but I felt like the biggest failure. I remember the first time I bought formula in the grocery store – I was convinced that everyone was staring at me and wondering why that trashy woman didn't know any better. I think this feeling of rejection and guilt was a HUGE part of my PPD.
BTW – my son is in the 95% for height and is as healthy as a horse, so I think the lack of breastfeeding hurt me a heck of a lot more then it hurt him…
This is a HUGE issue for me–so sensitive that I've had to ban myself from certain websites because of the emotional energy I was expending on it.
Switching to formula feeding meant the difference between debilitating, dangerously severe PPD and a milder PPD that allowed me to function and plan coping strategies. I know that I'm not alone in this experience, thanks to this blog and other sources. It is so frustrating that the lactofanatics obstinately refuse to understand that the benefits of breastfeeding must be weighed against the costs. It's as if they just stick their fingers in their ears and chant "breast is best" over and over, or insist that breastfeeding problems are just a social construct fabricated by "Big Pharma." What does this shrillness accomplish other than to further isolate and ostracize moms with PPD? Has any baby ever been scolded into a successful latch, or has any mom been hectored and harangued out of PPD?