We’re continuing with this week’s series focusing on dads, featuring several fathers who have been brave and kind enough to share their experiences of seeing their wives/partners go through postpartum depression (PPD) and anxiety and what they learned. Today I’d like to welcome Josh Balcunas, husband of Warrior Mom Andrea who blogs at Postpartum & Pigtails.
She is scowling at you. Literally, she’s looking to rip you to pieces. An ominous glaze has overcome her eyes. It’s like she’s struggling with some inner turmoil but you don’t know what. There’s no communication, only tension. You’re confused, lonely. You feel outcast, vulnerable and like your energy is out of tune with the one person you need right now. This is not about you, though. Imagine how she must feel. You did not exhaust every ounce of emotion and nutrient giving birth to your new bundle of joy. You did not carry the burden of pregnancy, and you’re light years away from carrying the new burden she has.
These feelings are just the tip of the iceberg. I may be lonely and confused and my wife may be fatigued beyond belief, but there is a more insurmountable challenge forthcoming. The best way for me to describe what was happening while my wife was experiencing postpartum anxiety and OCD is to imagine being in the middle of the ocean, side by side, with no life jackets. As a husband and father, although I was struggling and fatigued, I still managed to tread water and stay afloat long enough for someone to come by and rescue me. My wife, on the other hand, was sinking, fast. What she went through, to me, can only be compared to what it must be like to be drowning. That is how I perceived it. This is how it was for years with no answer to the problem. She was gasping for air and I was walking in circles dumbfounded. How can you save someone when you have no idea, or the wrong idea, as to what is ailing her? To me it was just fighting. It was the rumored “women just get crazy after getting pregnant” syndrome that she was going through and surely it would pass or she would just work it out on her own. Little did I know she needed me now more than ever.
What I have learned is that postpartum anxiety and postpartum OCD is a very confusing thing for both spouses even when you know it is happening. So really, what is my role in all this? Whatever it takes. Aside from the standard “love your wife and be understanding and patient” stuff (don’t get me wrong those things are the foundation of helping her get through this), there also has to be many small instances of whimsical creativity coupled with the fortitude to listen to her intently at all times and actually hear what she is saying. Whether you know that it is postpartum depression or anxiety or not, it is important to engage in creative activities that promote bonding and encourage moving forward in positive ways. If you don’t listen and hear your wife, then you won’t know how to help her or what she really wants from you. My role has been plain and simple, to be there for her. To hear her and then react in a way that understands what she needs and helps her attain those needs.
I am not perfect. I have fallen flat on my face a lot during this journey. If anything concerns me, if there is anything I could have done better, it’s learning from my mistakes in trying to help her.
If treatment is scarce or even obsolete, then how can you diagnose and move forward solving the problem? There was nothing visibly available to help us embrace and tackle our issue. It wasn’t until recently that my wife has been able to open doors revealing a wonderful support system full of information and experienced people who are willing to help. Things are much different now. Blogs, support groups, guest speakers, and some very strong and motivated women (including my wife) are on the frontlines making any and all information on postpartum anxiety and OCD very visible and very available to those who need help.
You meet. You fall in love. You have a child. You may abruptly and suddenly become two different people. Something is wrong at this point and instead of tearing each other apart, a couple in this situation needs help and needs to come back together as one. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that your wife needs you to have the utmost strength and vigilance in order to listen and hear her clearly, infinite patience so as to not be discouraged by the lack of an immediate answer to her struggles, and pure unconditional love, because although you’ve grown apart, it is your duty as a partner to love and to cherish, in sickness and in health.
Thanks Josh. Also, if you missed yesterday’s post from my better half, Frank Callis, check it out: Dads Speak Out About Postpartum Depression, Part 1
Once again you discount the true pain a father and husband go's through.
blogs like this is the reason divorce rates of ppd couple increased daily
I'm not sure what you are upset about James. Can you clarify?
My wife is experiencing extreme ppd, OCD, anxiety, ect….. It is tearing our family apart. We have a 3 yr old and a 2 month old. She has absolutley abandon our 3 yr old and myself. The problem is that she isnt even willing to fight it. All she wants to do is fight with me daily. I feel there's no hope!
Hi Frank.
Your wife probably doesn't have the strength to have hope right now. You need to be her hope and her optimism. And you need to fight for her. She's trying, and she wants to, and she feels horrible that she can't. Put your focus on her. I know it is hard, and I know it sucks. But you need to be willing to do whatever it takes to get through it. Realize you're both fighting through it; it's just that you have different fights. Hers is in her head, and in her thoughts. Yours is with the stuff of life.
Encourage her. Tell her something good you noticed, no matter how small or inconsequential you think it might be. Ask her every day for one good thing she saw or did. It can be the simplest thing. It can be "I heard a bird chirping and it made me think of spring." But ask her. It is one way of helping her realize there are good things in the midst of the darkness she's in right now.
And enlist every scrap of help you can get. If anyone offers help of any sort, take the offer seriously. Whether it's a meal, or watching kids, or anything.
Frank,
I agree with Rick. I know this is so awful for you right now. I feel so bad for the husbands and partners who often get the brunt of this illness. But please know it really is an illness. You might want to reach out to a local doctor to enlist their help/advice for getting her to accept professional help in your area. You also might want to check out Postpartum Support International's chats for men. http://www.postpartum.net/Get-Help/PSI-Chat-with-…
Truely an amazing and corageous story. I hate things that I said to my hubby but at the end of the day he stayed there and we are stronger together than ever.
If you don't listen and hear your wife, you won't know how to help her….
Exactly.
However, sometimes we can't verbalize what we need. We sometimes don't even know what "that" is.
But listening when we just need to vent means the world to us. It really does.
And aside from knowing ourselves more than anything…our husbands know us too.
You are all such wonderful advocates for us. You're our voice when we can't speak.
I am crying. The journey back is so very very very hard for everyone involved. Thank you so much for sharing and for being there on those deepest darkest days your wife warriored through.
I feel like I’m drowning now and I have no one. I want to leave my partner because I would rather him not deal with this “me”…..
Isabella, I know that feeling. Please know that you are not alone in your experience. It’s so hard to hang on when you see no way out, but you can do it. You are strong, you are beautiful, and you will feel like *you* again. Be an advocate for yourself and remember to ask for what you need. Let your partner help you. Let your partner love you and take care of you. You deserve it. Hugs to you and yours.
Right now my wife us going through postpardum depression. She blames me on her not having a life anymore and right now ran out the door saying I have no time or love for her. When I spend every day of my life looking after our daughter and then loving her when she gets back from work. She always wants sex sex sex sex and nothing else and blames it on me. Her screaming at me telling me she doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore and didn’t want our daughter. Just another text saying I’m lucky if I’ll ever see her again. I traveled across the world to her country and married her because she wanted to and had a baby. I feel like I am losing not only because she singles on me and blames me for everything but I work really hard looking after all of our family and get tired and exhausted. Don’t get me wrong the times when I feel I have the energy to have sex I do. I try very hard to do what I can all I can.
I’m sorry, Padraig. I hope your wife is getting help for this. Her focus on you is most likely because she feels safe letting out her frustration. That is so hard and I know you are already stressed with taking care of things. She does need help if she hasn’t already seen a doctor and/or therapist. She can get better and stop feeling this way with treatment. You are so courageous to be dealing with all of this and I hope your family can find your way to health soon. Peace to you.
Let me share that my wife has all the symptoms but refuses to acknowledge them, and I think I understand why. I love her very much, unfortunately when an episode comes up I have to leave the room for 30mins because its hard to deal with what comes out her mouth, I have to convince my self that the head space she is in is hectic for what ever reason. I cannot reason with her nor can i tell her that I understand whats shes going through because I have no cooking clue.We have 3 beautiful children and our 3rd has seemed to push her over the edge. I have been through pages and pages of information on then net trying to relate to someone. I think I have come to this conclusion…. My wife has certain traits of a person stuck in addiction, yes a drug addict or alcoholic. ( don’t get me wrong) she is far from an addict, she doesn’t touch alcohol or use substances but mimics the behavior…. and is stuck in denial about this behavior( The ability to believe your own lies) why do I say this? ,I’m a recovering addict who is going on 5 yrs clean and have seen a couple of things along the way. been through a 12 step program and DBT therapy and tons and tons of marriage counselling sessions which don’t come cheap, Anyway. What i’m trying to get at is, as her husband I net to be her safety net as she was mine 5 yrs prior, no matter how cross I am with her or how many times Divorce seems like a good idea, she has of late shown signs of wanting to talk to someone and get help, but most of the time her idea of a break is to run away or chase me away. So. I believe that PART of answer to this actually stands with the husbands ability to stay calm and get therapy himself.
If you don’t like it get out of it and become a divorce statistic , But if you would like to honor your marriage vows then remember the “better or for worse” vow and tackle it!!!
I need help with my wife. She is sinking. She was so happy and now she’s miserable amd everything I do isn’t close to helping.
My wife and I have a 3 year old and a 3 month old we have grown apart she says we are more like friends than husband and wife she is ready to separate she says ther is no fight left in her what do I do