Last week I wrote about having a massive anxiety attack — I’m fine now, by the way — and it occurs to me that it might have scared the crap out of some of you. As in, “Wait? The son she had postpartum depression and OCD with is now 10 years old and she’s still having anxiety attacks?!? WE’RE DOOMED!!!!”
No. You’re not doomed. Not at all. I want to make sure I tell you this.
When I was diagnosed with postpartum OCD I learned that I had always had anxiety. My whole life. So even though I recovered from the postpartum illness, I still have anxiety. I still take medication to help with my anxiety. It’s actually controlled quite well and 95% of my days are good. But once or twice a year, on average, I get whacked by an anxiety attack.
My anxiety attacks are sometimes related to motherhood, and sometimes related to my work or other things, and what I want you to know about them is that I get through them. Yes, it’s hell for a day or two, but nothing like the unending daily hell I went through during postpartum OCD from which I thought I’d never recover. Now, I know I’ll be fine in a day or so, and I know the things that I need to do to help myself.
The other thing I want you to know about these attacks is that it shows, in case you didn’t already know, that I’m not perfect. I’m a Warrior Mom, but I’m not perfect and my life is not perfect. Just because I’m on here telling all of you how to survive and that you’ll kick ass one day and I know this because I’m kicking ass doesn’t mean I kick ass ALL OF THE TIME. I don’t. And you don’t have to, either.
It’s okay to feel great one day and not feel so great the next. You’re not expected to be happy happy joy joy every day, even when you’ve recovered from postpartum depression.
I wrote about what happened to me last week because it was the truth. I wouldn’t want to represent my life any other way than with the truth. Ā But I hope it didn’t make you feel like you’d never get better or that you’ll be stuck where you are for eternity. You won’t be. You are getting help (or you will be soon) and working to find the support and tools you need to live a good life and be the good mom that you are.
Katherine – It's important to be real. Even 10 years later. Because 10 years from now, when the Mom who read your post from last week is still experiencing some bouts with anxiety, she will remember that she is not alone. Thanks for posting what is the reality for so many of us.
Thanks Sandra!!
I have been wondering how I am supposed to know when I have "recovered". I thought this meant never having anxiety or not ever getting an intrusive thought. I always say I am about 95% there. Most days are great, but like you, there are days here & there that aren't. I had myself convinced that if I didn't feel "happy" every day then I am not recovered. So thank you for sharing this. I realize now that it is OK to not feel great every single day.
No one has a perfect day every day, so it's definitely okay! I'd say if you're doing well 95% of the time that's pretty great.
Here! Here! I sometimes worry that I will frighten the women I lend support to because I’m still on meds so many years later but in the end, this is what drives the point of health and self-care home. There’s no magic cure but there will be, in time, magic solutions and what makes them magic is that you learn to create & apply them yourself. There’s a lot of empowerment to be had there.
THANK YOU! I suffered severe post natal depression 5 years ago after the birth of my son. It took me 2 years to recover, well, I thought I had recovered, but 3 months ago I started having panic attacks, severe anxiety and post traumatic stress, so was put back on the medication. 3 months later I can now see why – I always had anxiety too! But, managed it. When my son was born my life was turned upside down, my anxiety went into overdrive. Through professional help and the support of my family and friends, I have a new life now, a better one, one where I can recognise I am a survivor of the terrible illness post natal depression. Thanks again for this post, it all makes sense now!
It is inspiring stories like yours that remind me, even in moments of hopelessness, that I will get better. Thank you!
You really will get better Isha. I wouldn't say that if I hadn't seen, over these last 8 years, thousands of women who've recovered. THOUSANDS. Just hang in there.
~ K
Thanks for your openness and honesty. My daughter is 3 and I am
Recovering from post partum psychosis. There is healing in sharing. One day I hope to be able to share in a way you do-to help others. God allowed it for a reason-His “crazy” plan is better than my own?!?!
Katherine, I really enjoyed your post and it's refreshing to hear your honesty. None of us are perfect! I too suffered from post natal anxiety after my youngest was born and I had also suffered at previous points in my life. Whenever I had particularly stressful events. I managed to recover, fully and since I have never suffered from anxiety again. It did, however, mean making many changes to my life. I have just found your website and I am inspired by the help you provide mums.
Happy you found us Kelly! Thanks for your comment! I hope you keep coming back. š
I really appreciate this post. When I read about your anxiety attack, my first thought was "Oh great! So, 'getting better' isn't really "getting better.'" I REALLY appreciate your clarification. I guess I just wish someone would just tell me if you ACTUALLY get better, or if you just learn to cope, in turn making you feel better. I guess it would be nice to know what to expect. Nevertheless, thank you for your clarification. I appreciate it!
Bravo Katherine!