Welcome to Day Two of the WMBC review of PPD book The Ghost in the House.

Amber:  Yesterday we talked about the reading of the book itself and the way that layering a mood disorder like postpartum depression onto the already constant demands of motherhood can create quite an entirely new identity based upon the “work” of being a mom.  Today we are going to delve into a discussion about mothering in our culture.

Thompson coined the phrase “Motherstress” for the “… phenomenon as ubiquitous as Muzak. It’s something we tend to notice only in the passing, the way we absentmindedly hum along with James Taylor while cruising the produce aisle.  Unlike Muzak, motherstress cannot be toned down or turned off; it’s our own personal piped-in radio channel broadcasting 24/7.  The underlying cause of all of this is that we live in the era of what sociologist Sharon Hays calls “intensive mothering,” in which the standards for what constitutes a “good mother” have reached all but unattainable highs.” (p. 21) Do you find that “Motherstress” is prevalent even in your non-depressed counterparts?  How does it impact your depression and/or anxiety, or conversely, how does your anxiety/depression impact the “Motherstress” load?

JPG: Of course, but my anxiety and PPD was magnified with this “Motherstress.” I felt like I could never measure up to society’s ideals.

BR: Yes, I think that it is very prevalent in some of my non-depressed counterparts. Sometimes I think that they just take it as something normal, and not something that we could change (if we changed some societal structures and systems). I see it wearing on other mothers I am in contact with, as it creates dynamics of competition, doubt and guilt. For me, my PPD has intensified my “motherstress” load. I think it has also allowed me to see that I can adjust my perspective and not let the “motherstress” play such a large role (this takes lots of effort!).

BB: “Motherstress” is absolutely prevalent with all mothers, not just among depressed ones. There is such a culture now of “if you do/don’t do _____, then you are irrevocably harming your child,” (insert anything from giving your child Tylenol or natural things for teething relief, breastfeeding or formula, purees or baby-led weaning, cloth or disposable diapers…) that it is very difficult to stand up for oneself as the BEST mother for YOUR child.  Being depressed makes it practically impossible. A depressed mother already thinks she is doing everything wrong – that she IS wrong – and hearing all the input from everyone else about what she should or should not be doing only magnifies her internal thoughts.

When I read about this, I thought about when my (only) son was about a month old. I saw on Facebook that a friend with three children – one of whom was the same age as my son – had uploaded a picture of the homemade bread she had just made from scratch. I was devastated because I was lucky if I remembered to eat a package of Pop Tarts, let alone do any baking. I felt like the worst mom in the history of moms, since all I did was scream and cry right along with my son. I talked to my friend later about my disbelief upon seeing that someone else could do so much as a mom when I could do nothing. It turns out that she had PPD with her first, and she knew EXACTLY what I was going through.  She reassured me that baking that bread was the only thing she accomplished the entire week, and she only managed to do so because her mother was watching all of the kids. I realized then that the pictures we see of all these other moms are unrealistic and untrue, because we are only seeing the prettiness and the smiles that are so readily available from others. We aren’t seeing the weeks with no showers, the cranky late afternoons, the grumpy mornings, the sleep-deprived endlessness that is those early days. And that’s just for moms of little ones!

This is why I am such a big advocate now of talking about the mundane and the awful right along with the lovely about mothering. It helps to alleviate “motherstress” to know that you are not alone in your failings, and that your children can still become great people despite – or perhaps because of – your mothering.

TM: Motherstress is the bane of our culture. Where once women were told to find their worth in how wonderful their home keeping was (cooking, sewing, cleaning) and raising children (sons preferably) and possibly saving money by being a home economist, now mothers feel that they are expected to still do all this, as well as keep a job, and look like a stunning starlet while doing it.  I think it is up to all mothers to speak out and say, “I’m not perfect and I don’t care that I’m not and I don’t give a flying fig what you think about my parenting, my looks, or how clean my floors are,” to combat the Motherstresss of doing it all, having it all and making it look effortless. I can’t do that and I don’t WANT to either! It’s too much work and I’ve got enough to do raising a child, being a wife and working.

Amber: Speaking of work, Thompson is about as clear and straight-forward as I have ever read before when it comes to the unrelentless demands of motherhood and guilt we mothers face.  She also discusses the “monumental effort” that is parenting while depressed.  On page 38 she says, “If by some miracle my children do leave me alone for a while their unspoken needs pull me out of my isolation, as if an unseen schoolmarm had me by the ear.”  I distinctly remember being unable to garner enough motivation to clip my toenails when I was at my worst with PPD.  It literally took hours of self-talk to shower just once or twice a week in those days.  I couldn’t take care of myself, let alone parent my child then.  Did reading this section of the book generate any memories of such times for you?  Have you found any useful strategies for those tough, down days?

BR: Yes, these reflections brought me back to my darkest days. The days when everything felt like too much… when a cereal bowl my husband left in the sink would send me into a rage. What has worked for me is developing awareness of how my emotions and behavior impact my daughter. I get motivation from wanting to teach her healthier ways of living and reacting to situations.

JPG: Before I realized that I was depressed, I remember it taking me nearly the whole day to get out of the house to run an errand to Target with the baby. Getting out of the house and listening to music helps me get through those tough days.

BB: I remember the dark days too well. Granted, they weren’t that long ago (I’ve been recovering for about three months or so), but they are indelibly imprinted on me. I remember setting my son in his crib to scream while I went downstairs to scream myself, and the dog cowered in a corner, terrified of me. I remember sobbing because I had forgotten to open the package of Pop Tarts before I started nursing the baby, and I was just so hungry but I couldn’t open it with one hand. (I should’ve bought stock in Kellogg’s before having this baby.)  I had to use an app on my iPod to keep track of when I had fed the baby because I would forget without a reminder; he and I would both just sit and sob uncontrollably.

The best strategy for me is to remind myself to be truly, fully present in this moment. I spilled a whole box of Cheerios on the floor one day, and started to panic as both the baby and the dog gleefully “cleaned up” for me. My breathing and heart rate sped up and I could feel myself going to a place of “Why do you always make messes of things?” Then I had the tiniest inkling of a thought that this would be funny if I wasn’t so upset, if it happened to someone else.  So I told myself over and over, “This is funny,” until I believed it and could laugh while I swept up the few pieces of cereal left on the floor. I have to use mantras a lot (“All shall be well.” is a favorite, as is one from a mutual friend, “This will not kill me.”) but they seem to help keep me in a healthy place.

Amber: Those tools are really helpful, especially as I think about the one sentence in this book I will NEVER forget.  Stand-by for tomorrow’s post that will focus on our before and after images of ourselves as mothers.