I read an article in a blog, the name of which is unfortunately escaping me at the moment. It was by a man who works with depressed women and also lived with one when his wife had postpartum depression. He was offering advice to people living with those suffering from depression, trying to educate them about how best to help and support their loved ones.
In his opening paragraph, he said that he knew living with a depressed person could be nigh unto “unbearable.” My first reaction was, “Ouch, that was harsh.” But as I thought about it over the next few days, I realized that this man was probably understating the matter a great deal. After all, even I can barely stand to live with myself when I am depressed, so I can only imagine how difficult things must be for my husband, Sei. He doesn’t have the advantage of knowing what’s going on in my head, so he probably feels even more clueless and helpless than I do.
Last week, Sei and I had a small disagreement about some household-related thing. Looking back, I can see the comment he made was completely innocuous. But in my depression-addled brain, I took it to be a criticism of my wifely/motherly abilities, and my first reaction was to go on the offensive.
Thankfully, he didn’t allow the argument to escalate; he left for work, and emailed me from there, apologizing for whatever he’d said that upset me. He said something else that really struck me though. He said it’s been very difficult for him over the past few months (probably much longer, if he were being completely truthful), because he feels he can’t speak to me about anything openly.
If there’s anything he sees as an issue that needs to be resolved in our marriage, it never gets talked about because I always feel like he’s attacking me, and then I turn it around on him. Our disagreements usually end up becoming a discussion about all his faults and how he’s never going to be able to understand what I’m going through. These are all my words, not his, by the way.
It’s true; Sei will never be able to understand what I’m going through, and I don’t want him to be able to. But I can understand what he’s going through. I’ve lived with a depressed person before, so I know how it is to want so desperately to help someone who is unwilling to or incapable of receiving that help. To ask everyday, “What’s wrong?” only to be told once and again, “I have no idea.”
Living with postpartum depression and other perinatal mood and anxiety disorders is difficult, to say the least. It is lonely, sometimes sad, and exhausting. Sometimes it feels like life will never be good again (which is categorically untrue). But there is an element to living with the disorder that I feel is under-discussed, and that is how much we should allow our own suffering to become the suffering of others.
First, let me say that I am not suggesting anyone with a PMAD be silent. Not at all. I speak about my symptoms all the time, and I think it helps my husband to have a clear picture of where I am coming from. However, one of the hallmarks of my depression (and that of many other women, from what I read) is self-centeredness. During my unmedicated episodes, all I can think about is my own suffering. I can barely pull my head out of the sand long enough to consider the fact that Sei is probably hurting, too.
So my question for myself over the past couple days has been, “Where do I draw the line? When do I have to put my own pain aside and make time to care for the needs of my family?”
The answer to this is complicated: Paying attention to others when the very nature of your illness causes you to withdraw is easier said than done. But when I explain the need for antidepressants to others, I often draw a parallel to medication for diabetes, and I suppose that the analogy should apply here as well. Meaning, living with diabetes is also difficult, just like with my PPD. However, I wouldn’t give a person with diabetes a free pass to forget the commitments she has made to other people in her life just because she happens to have diabetes.
I’ve made a commitment to be there for my family, and living with PPD makes that extraordinarily difficult. But I’m tired of letting myself off the hook by saying something along the lines of, “Well, the PPD made me do it.” Even if that is the case, it doesn’t change the end result: I often hurt the ones I love because of my PPD-influenced words and actions (or lack of action, as the case may be).
I don’t think I can truly leave PPD behind until I acknowledge the fact that even though I may not totally be myself, I’m still responsible for my actions. This responsibility to self and family is a kind of freedom I didn’t know I could miss, but I took it for granted in the past. I’m ready to take that freedom back now.
~Alexis Lesa
I am in a constant mode of realizing the pain I'm causing my husband in staying depressed or ill while married. I've wanted to leave and part of my wrong thoughts were in needing to escape or suicidal thought of just leaving this pain all behind. It was a year and a half of debating w myself and talking w therapists, counselors, etc about would my family be better without me. The very obvious answer is NO. Me leaving would causes huge gap in their lives not tonmentioj be more selfish than suffering in their presence.
Talking with other moms suffering from a range of mental illnesses has given me hope. My children are very perceptive. My son will
Hopefully continue to be empathetic toward those suffering and as a family we continue fighting the stigma that surrounds disorders & struggles of all
kinds. Suffering from post partum depression and a cesarean has without a doubt left my family stronger. I'm not going to feel sorry for us because my husband chose to stay and in needing to take
Over roles society deems a womens role like parenting and chores he is an amazing dad, I see him as being changed for the better. I'm not always capable ofbeing aswondwrfuknasnanspouse as he is to me in my darkest moments but is expect myself to stay faithful and wouldn't want him to feel guilty for having weaknesses (easier said than done). I donthink I'm selfish but for me, I'm always harder on myself then on others.
I totally get what you're saying Alexis. I've been there.
At the same time, I'd also like to add that families going through suffering together is part of life. Right now someone is reading this who is suffering PPD/PPA/PPOCD/PPP/APD, and is feeling bad about how their illness is impacting their family. They may be feeling so bad that they think it would be better off to leave. But don't forget, someday it might be a husband or child who is suffering, and you (the reader) won't think twice about helping to care for them and support them. You wouldn't want them to leave.
While it's important for you to remember that the people around you are trying as hard as they can (some of them, anyway), it's also important not to feel bad about yourself because everyone is in this situation in the first place. It's not your fault that you have a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder. The best thing you can do for everyone involved is to seek professional help and start working toward the day when you'll be back to your old self.
Thanks for this really interesting topic Alexis.
Everything you've said is so true, and is what I believe. I love that you said that families suffering together is part of life, because that's exactly what a family is–a unit that stays together (hopefully) through the good AND the bad.
Thanks for the great comment and for seeing where I was coming from.
wow, great article!
i have never thought in these terms before. i am currently working on trying to find out what is up in my head (ppd or what not…?) i constanly think "well he doesnt understand what im feeling being pregnant with two toddlers" and use that as my pass. i also do the same thing when something comes up i turn it around on my dh. just cause im stressed out doesnt give me free pass to be a bitch 😉 thank you for an amazing article; it really opened my eyes.
🙂
I really liked this post, and I know I can be unbearable to live with (I am not saying I don't understand this post either, I do, and I appreciate all these blogs, they really touch me, I just want to share the emotions that were evoked from inside me when I read this)…. It hurt me. It almost made me think that my husband left me/cheated on me because I was so unbearable to be around. All those emotions I had tried to burry came flooding to the surface and I just started the blame game all over again (bad wife/bad mother/bad friend/didn't do what you were supposed to do for your family, no wonder he left you, etc.). It is such a harsh reality! As much as I already blamed myself, I blamed him for foresaking his wife and children when we needed him the most(the children especially they were INFANTS with a sick mother). When he left us, he left us with nothing. No money, no home, NO INSURANCE, nothing. So I was thrown into a worse depression and could not get help (I had no way of going to a doctor). I still suffer most days, mainly by feeling "detached." My kids are almost 3 and 4 now.
Like the other commenter said, I would not have hesitated to take care of my husband, or children (I was the only one who took care of the kids), so why was it so hard for someone to take care of me? My ex once said after cheating/leaving us, "Maybe none of this would have happened if you had been on top of your game." Why did I always have to be the leader/the head of the family/in charge of everything? Why didn't I deserve a break, time off for someone to take care of me?
Sorry, I am rambling, so many feelings stemming from these words I am writing.
Some people suffering do not have the resources to get help, and have to just wade through this alone, trying to ignore the monster inside of them. The sad part, people judge you, beat you up for being a "bad mother" when you are doing all you can to survive.
Mama Gayle,
I thought I might see this reaction from some readers to this post, which is why I wrote my comment above. I can understand why this would bring up so many feelings for you.
Here's a VERY important thing to remember: Some people have very supportive family members. People who try to help, even though they're not always understanding and don't always get it right they are at least making some effort to comprehend and be supportive. I had a husband like that, and I think Alexis does too.
Other people who read this blog aren't so lucky. They may have people around them who are openly judgmental or who aren't willing to be supportive and work through the issues that may arise from these illnesses. It sounds as if that may have been your situation, and I'm so sorry to hear that. But please know that there is not a monster inside of you and you are not a bad mother. You have an illness. I'm hoping that even if you can't get medical help for whatever reason that perhaps you can seek other types of support, like free support groups or free web chats.
As much as it hurts me to know that reading my post caused you pain, at the same time I'm glad that you were able to write those feelings down and maybe sort through them a little bit in your head. Because you are totally right. You DO deserve to have someone take care of you, you SHOULDN'T have to be in charge of everything, and you aren't at fault for your husband's poor choices. No matter how hard your illness might have been, that doesn't give him the right to put his wrongdoings on you.
And what Katherine said is true; I have an EXTREMELY supportive husband, which is why I'm even able to write from this place that I'm at right now. One thing I didn't write about is the time my husband brought something up that he thought needed changing in our home, and I told him I couldn't handle it at the time. He started to question me and ask why I couldn't do such a simple thing, and I just told him, "I'm doing all I can to keep my head above water right now. When I start feeling a little bit better, maybe I can try doing that." And he totally understood and never bothered me about it again. You have the right to take time to heal, and your husband should have been there for you.
I hope you know that you do have resources, like Katherine said. There are so many chat forums, therapists who are willing to answer questions online, websites with links to other forms of help. And if none of that is realistic for you right now, you can always email me. I'm always around to listen.
"Living with PPD and other perinatal mood and anxiety disorders is difficult, to say the least. It is lonely, sometimes sad, and exhausting. Sometimes it feels like life will never be good again…"
That is exactly how I feel right now. Except I am alone. No help, no father for my daughter, and I just sit here and feel sorry for myself, and then feel crappy BECAUSE I feel sorry for myself.
I keep telling myself I'll get through this. If I have enough energy to take a shower every other day, I consider it an accomplishment at this point.
You sharing your own struggle helps more than you could ever know. Thank you.
Mandy,
Actually, and I know this isn't as good as some other options, but you aren't alone because you have us. There are a lot of people who support you. And, yes, a shower is a HUGE accomplishment.
–K
Ditto to what Katherine said. You aren't alone. I bet any one of the Warrior Moms you can find on this site would be willing to chat with you just so you can vent. We've all been there in some way.
And you will get through this, you will.
Alexis – What an extraordinary post about your feelings about struggling with PPD and also being self-aware enough to take in the broader situation of your husband & family. All the personal work you've been doing in self-examination, trying to get yourself well, is showing through in your ability to look around now and take in the broader situation. You have really drawn a vivid portrait of the rippling effects of PPD (really, any mental illness) on a family. You are a very brave woman.
Thank you, Kathy. I don't feel brave, but I did feel like maybe there might be some women who could identify with the stage I'm at in my recovery. I'm happy to share my experiences with them so they know they're not alone.
Alexis, It is amazing that this post came up. I was in therapy this week asking my husband how he has been handling all this. We had a very bad pregnancy which left me bedridden for at least the first 7 months of pregnancy. Then I had PPDOCD, PPDA etc etc, 7 months pp. My son will be 2 soon and I suffer still from depression and intrusive thoughts. Although it is NOTHING like it was a year and a half ago, I tried to keep a happy face for my family. They all know I am still suffering in a different way, the depression does hurt the family but in all fairness, it is a sickness. One day I will be fully through this and hopefully NONE of my family members have to suffer, but I will be there for them, like they were for me.
That is why it is so important to seek help immediately!!
Thanks for sharing your story..
Thanks. I appreciate your words of encouragement. I have gotten a lot better now days, but for a while, it just kept getting worse and worse. At least now, I am able to identify when I am spiraling out of control and I can redirect my emotions, or just remove myself. It is hard though.
I didn't realize there were support groups and chats online. These blogs are the first sites I have found that speak openly about PPD/etc..
I enjoy reading other people's success stories, and I have hope for myself:)
We have to stick together. If we don't speak up, who else will? You should DEFINITELY have hope.
Thank you Alexis. I do love your blog, and I didn't really want to comment, but it was almost like I had to. And you are right, every time I can get the feeling out of me, I feel so much better!! There is something about writing it down, and seeing it that way, that makes me understand it even more. I also used to journal things in a notebook that also helped.
Anyway, thanks for the support and offering to chat with me via email, I really appreciate it!