Dear new mom:

I should not be behind the wheel of a car right now.

That moment will stay with me forever.  After four weeks of very little sleep, a colicky newborn and way too many people coming by for a visit, my husband encouraged me to get out of the house for a little while.  There was finally a break in the awful winter weather and he knew I needed some time to myself.

What am I doing?  There is no way I should be behind the wheel of a car right now.  I am too tired to be driving and that guard rail is tempting me.  I wonder what would happen if… 

Luckily the mall was close by.  We had an occasion to attend the following week and I needed something to wear.  Given that I still looked 9.5 months pregnant and the scale so kindly agreed, I sunk my head and walked into the maternity store four weeks after giving birth. Trying to fake a sense of humor about it, I found a few items and headed into the dressing room where I promptly burst into a silent mess of tears.

This can’t possibly be my life.

Yet it was my life.  There I was, a resilient woman who had endured endless doctor appointments, multiple miscarriages, years of infertility treatments and a month of hospitalized bed rest, sitting alone in a dressing room sobbing silently so no one would hear me.

The worst part of it all, more than the pounds that would not go away and the overwhelming fatigue was the guilt.  Having a child had been more important to me than anything else in the world.  How could I not be overjoyed?

What kind of ungrateful brat am I?  I have everything I wanted for so long and should be happier than ever.

I wondered how it all changed so quickly.  How did I go from being the stoic one, the one who got it all done, the one with big shoulders for everyone else to lean on – to being the one who could not hold it together in a dressing room?

I should not feel like this.  Not the strong one.  Not me. 

But this is what many new moms feel like at first. Everyone knows that new moms are exhausted and our hormones are out-of-whack after giving birth.  This has to be normal.  This is normal. Just give it some time.

That conflicted range of emotions went on for weeks.  When the doctor asked how I was feeling, I responded about having the typical range of emotions new moms get when they are running on so little sleep.  (There would be no breaking down in the doctor’s office for me.  I am the strong one, remember?)

Then, finally, my baby started sleeping through some nights.  One day I realized I had just laughed at a joke on TV.  At first I thought it must have been a fluke but a day or two later it happened again.

Gradually I began to feel like myself.  Life was still a challenge as a new mother, but I was able to grab those chances to laugh.  It was only then that it became clear how bad things had been.  Yes it was completely normal, though it was not typical. It was postpartum depression.

We were living in a different state when I got pregnant with my second child.  My new doctor immediately put a plan in place for when baby number two arrived.  Yet with even more complications, I had no feelings of depression the second time around.

Those of us who go through life as the ones other people depend on are typically the most hesitant to lean on someone else.  Those of us who go through infertility or loss are also less likely to reach out for help.  After all, we bear an additional burden of guilt for not feeling overwhelming gratitude after working so hard to bring a child into the world.  Looking back, I wish I had confided in someone the first time around and left it to a professional to tell me the difference between normal and typical.

If you are a new mom who has nodded your head at any time while reading this post, if it has resonated with you in any way, please do not wait until you are crying alone silently in a dressing room to reach out for help.  Having a baby will change your life, but it should not change you.  Talk to your doctor.  Give yourself the chance to laugh at all the jokes.

~ Jessica

Jessica Cohen believes that it’s not about losing your marbles; it’s what you do once you find them that matters.  She blogs at Found the Marbles, a look at social good, human interest and paying it forward.  She is an experienced media researcher who ghost writes and works as a strategic brand and social media consultant. In her spare time, you can usually find Jessica on the sidelines at a soccer game or on Twitter @FoundtheMarbles.

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