I saw a post on a popular and widely-read parenting website/blog yesterday and it made me sad. In it, a mother confessed that she loves her son more than her daughter.
She wrote about how she felt more comfortable with her son, and how it was so much easier to parent him. She wrote about how much she struggled with her feelings of disconnection with her 3-year-old girl.
That, in and of itself, was not what gave me so much distress, because this happens. Sometimes parents favor one child over the other. But she continued further, writing later in the post:
"There are moments – in my least sane and darkest thoughts – when I think it wouldn’t be so bad if I lost my daughter, as long as I never had to lose my son."
There are so many reasons why this post, and the enormous backlash it received in the comments section (more than 300 comments), was upsetting.
1) She was sharing her feelings in the interest of talking about motherhood and imperfection. She felt by writing about this openly other people would feel they could talk about it too. I get that. I just wish she had other outlets as well to help her through this, perhaps before she ever wrote about it publicly. Were there other people she could talk to, or was this website her only outlet? Did she have no one else to talk to?
2) Many of the comments were heartbreakingly awful, and sometimes mean, and I can't imagine what she must feel like right now. I feel sick to my stomach for her. I understand where some of those people were coming from. Some of them were "unfavored" childred in their own families, and were deeply scarred by that experience. It was, in my own small opinion, a mistake to publicly share some of the things this mom disclosed. Still, she said many times she was suffering, and seemed to be seeking reassurance rather than the anger she got. Could we have responded in ways that would lead her to help, rather than to feel, as she said in an update to the post, "shocked and ashamed"? Should we have?
3) I also can't imagine how it would feel to be her daughter and one day read some of the things that are written in this piece. The anguish!! The mother herself says she knows these feelings are wrong. She worries about them. But I also wish someone, maybe the website's editors, had said to her, "Maybe you can talk about this topic authentically and still leave the line about your daughter dying out. Or the line about hoping your next baby is a daughter because then maybe you'll be able to love that girl. Not because you don't feel it, or that you are not allowed to have your own feelings, but because some day your daughter could read it." Could someone have given her that guidance? Did they try to? Does anyone care about the feelings of this little girl?
4) Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I'm not sure this relationship has to be this way forever. In the end, that's what is most important, right? It almost felt as though this mom had given up. I have to wonder if some sort of therapy or family counseling could really help.
It helped me.
My son and I are very similar. We have the same kind of personality. He is my oldest. It has always been very easy to parent him. At first I thought it was because I must have some kind of super awesome parenting skills, but no … it's because he's a great kid and also because I understand him at a very deep level. We're almost one in the same in many ways.
My daughter and I are very different. It is hard for me to understand her, because she makes decisions I wouldn't. While I am very safety-conscious, she is ready to jump off things and fly through the air unharnessed. While I am often fairly low energy, she is nonstop action, chattering and singing away and running from here to there. My husband calls her a fabulous punch to the solar plexus of the universe, and he's right.
At first, she scared the living daylights out of me. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't understand why she behaved the way she did. She made me nervous. I wasn't sure how to connect with her the way I was connected with my son. It's like we both spoke different languages.
Then I talked to my therapist about it, because I love this little girl as fiercely as I love my boy and I didn't want a problem to begin right from the start. The therapist acted as my translator. She explained to me that, personality-wise, my son was a fit. He is easy for me, and I am for him, because we think alike and we behave alike. Not so with my daughter, so I needed to learn to understand her and appreciate her for who she was. It was my job to do that. She helped me see that it wasn't that my "preshy" didn't like me or was defying me or was trying to scare the living daylights out of me (like the time she left our house at the age of two by herself and walked a couple of football fields away off into a golf course without ever looking back over her shoulder … can you imagine?!). She's just a free spirit. A beautiful, wonderful free spirit.
I can work with that. I am working with that. I'm learning to see life through Preshy's eyes. The world is one big amusement park as far as she is concerned. My boy is not perfect or better because he's like me. My daughter is not perfect or better because she isn't. And neither of them are less than anything. They're just different.
I'm not saying my situation is exactly like that of the mom who wrote the post. I don't know all the details of her life and everything that may have brought her to this spot. I just know what it feels like to be confounded by your child, and that sometimes people can help you reframe that thinking in a constructive way … a way that allows you to move forward positively and have a wonderful relationship.
Note: I hope you don't mind me writing about this today, rather than PPD. I just felt so overwhelmingly awful on so many levels after reading the post and comments that I wanted to put it down on paper, and to share my own experience so that maybe mothers who don't know how to connect to children that are "different" than they might see that it's possible.
Also, I don't link to the post here for a reason. I just want to be careful not to add more fuel to the fire that has already flamed over at the website. What's more important to me is the issue, rather than the specific people. I hope that makes sense.
I'm glad you wrote about this. I haven't been able to stop thinking about that post. The idea of her daughter someday reading it horrifies me. I just can't imagine how awful that would feel … this mother went way deeper than talking about simply "favoring" one child over the other. She mentioned loss and death and the birth of another girl in such a way that it suggests some sort of elimination of her daughter. It all seemed so cavalier. But I know it wasn't. The bottom line for me? The internet was definitely NOT the place to share these thoughts in this way. She needs to talk to someone real. Get some help.
I'm so glad you wrote about this – you describe all of my thoughts on the matter so well.
My reaction, when I read her post, was similar to yours .. I was thinking "This woman really needs help. This is a cry for help."
I agree that airing her feelings to the world was a mistake, but I also know that when people are suffering like she is – with a subject that is terrifying and shameful and totally taboo – that often they have no idea where to turn. I believe that airing her troubles in public was a desperate effort to seek comfort, or kinship – as in "does anyone else out there feel like I do? Please let me I'm not the only one…" THAT is a cry for help.
I also agree that personal attacks on her don't help at all. I hope that the outcome of this uproar is that someone WILL reach out a helping hand to her.
Anyone who has suffered from depression, addiction, etc. knows how alone you feel, how hard it is to ask for help. I'm so grateful you wrote this post, thank you.
-Ellie
I didn't read the original post, but yours brings to mind how disturbed I felt many years ago when I found myself around a woman who seemed to clearly prefer one child over the other one. One child got the snappy mom and the other got the ooey-gooey-lovey mom. Every time I visited I felt so bad for the older one, the one who seemed to be less favored. I'm happy to say that through the years, their relationship has just blossomed. It's been over 10 years and her relationship with that daughter is awesome and she clearly loves her and is very proud of her. I'm curious if the woman in the post's daughter was older than her son? I think what happens sometimes is an older child seems much more difficult, defiant, and just plain harder to parent when a new cuddly one joins the family. They are older and more curious, active, and in touch with how to show anger, frustration, dislike etc. All that makes the new child look easy. Especially if mom had PPD with the older one and has a shaky connection to start with. I remember having that feeling of "if he dies that's okay" with my son when I was in the darkest parts of PPD, I was just so lost (one of the markers that let me know I was NOT okay). Thankfully with help I made it through and now the thought of anything bad happening to either child sometimes keeps me up at night! I'm hoping that this woman finds the help that she so desperately needs and will someday have a beautiful relationship with that little girl.
The internet is a difficult place to put yourself out there publicly. I admire those that can do so, because you just never know what might come back at you, and the post you're referring to is one of those unfortunate instances. I do think that people have the right to say whatever they want on a public site – including blog posts and blog comments, but there does need to be some accountability and responsibility.
I can't and won't judge that mom for her feelings – those belong to her and it's not for me to 'figure her out'. My concern, which you mentioned Katherine, is more regarding why it was published on the site that it was published on?
By that I mean, a personal blog (with no editors) is different that a blog with a team of editors and a huge following. I believe (or would like to hope) that there is some accountability that goes along with that.
I kept coming back to the same question in my mind as I read it: What was the purpose of publishing that post? For real now, what was the true purpose of publishing – not writing, but publishing – that post? Why would you, as an editor of a 'popular' website, allow a post that identifies (by name and with a picture) a woman and her daughter, and the negative feelings that woman has towards her daughter?
Shameful.
Was the purpose to garner attention or traffic? Done. Was the purpose to give support to women who may be feeling the same thing as the mom who put herself out there? Potentially, but it was so very flawed. If I were a mom who read that post and saw herself in it – thought that I, too was feeling that way, I would want to know where to get help, how to reach out, etc. That seems to be absent from the post. I'm not suggesting that the mom herself should address those things, but any 'good' editor should be able to anticipate a reaction to an article such as that, and step up a little.
The sheer fact that a picture of her (obviously underage daughter) was included just gets me fired up. My heart hurts for her daughter and hope she never reads that post (or the reaction to it).
(Also, I think it's appropriate that you posted this on your website. I obviously have no idea whether that mom has PPD or not, but I don't think that really matters – your website is one of the few I've found that provides an honest look at some of the challenges with being a mother(including PPD), and shows that even if you don't have a diagnosed illness, you still might benefit from support! It provides that support, advice, and resource information. Puts you in a whole different league than that *other* website).
Thanks for talking about getting along vs loving. A parent may not get along with a child, but does that necessarily mean that they don't love them? I agree that the blogger went way too far when she talked about death and birth. But it doesn't seem to me that she understands that there is a difference between liking and loving. You may not like your children equally, but IMO this does not necessarily translate into loving unequally.
Here's my deal with it – if she had no other outlet, nobody she felt safe talking to, why didn't she write it anonymously?
& while there is personal responsibility on her part, I am OUTRAGED that Babble allowed it to be posted. We'll never know if they actually stepped in & attempted to temper some of her sentences, but why give her that platform to publish it?
Furthermore, I can say with absolute certainty that you CAN fix a broken bond. I never had that "aha!" moment after birth. I spent a year clawing my way out of the muck of postpartum depression. I know that my son suffered for it & I did, too. But 18 months later, we have a healthy, thriving relationship that is thanks to his resilience & my hard work.
I just hope that she can understand that all hope is not lost for her & her daughter.
Applause to Katherine for this great post and also to Romy for that AMAZING comment. I agree completely and this is not the first major lapse of judgment by the editors/owners of that particular website.
Love can be a difficult word to understand when dealing with parenthood, especially if mental illness is involved. This is what I thought of right away. She never said she didn't love her son. She does.
"I Love You the Purplest"…
There is a children's book called "I Love You the Purplest." I used it in my classroom to teach creative writing. Two boys ask their mother who she loves the most. She answers them metaphorically saying, "I love you the reddest." and the other "I love you the bluest." I had a student at the time (legally blind if you can believe it) who was the one who realized red and blue make purple. Anyhow, this post made me think of this because we all love our children. Love is abstract and metaphorical and different and hard to explain at times and that is okay. I highly recommend any mother reading this book. It's just beautiful. This mother, getting the backlash, is looking for some love and reassurance. Thank you, Katherine for giving that to her.
Love is a decision you make every single day. It's a commitment, not a feeling.
Who among us hasn't looked at our partner at one time or another and thought, "Ugh"?
But when you make a commitment to love, you get past those "ugh" moments and you plow through.
It's the same with our kids.
I wish society focused more on the agape-type committed love and less on the romantic ideal (including mother/baby "bliss"), because then maybe this mother wouldn't feel so much anguish.
Thank you for your thoughtful post.
I am truly concerned that this woman could still be grappling with the effects of an untreated postpartum illness. It is not unknown for an untreated postpartum illness to become somewhat chronic.
Being a teacher, though I have always found it very easy to love all sorts of children, I found it very difficult oft times to love my own little one while in the throes of my postpartum illness.
So I truly hope this mama gets help. Amen.
Hi,
Babble.com editor here. We neither edit nor censor our personal bloggers. And of course, their opinions won't always reflect ours, but it's their intellectual freedom to post what they want, whether we agree with them or not.
But isn't that a touch of copping out?
That's like handing someone that is ill a smoking gun & then going "But we didn't pull the trigger!"
This wasn't about whether or not you "agreed" with it. This is about protecting a young girl – whether by editing the post, refusing to publish it, or simply requiring that it be done anonymously.
You say that you do not edit or censor personal bloggers – but would you censor bigotry? Racial slurs? Extreme profanity? Homophobic rants?
As a public platform, you have public responsibility.
Thank you for your incredibly thoughtful and thorough response to that post. I also read it, and was devastated by not only the author's experience, but also the thought that her daughter might read it some day. I agree with you that perhaps there are ways to discuss painful issues in public forums with more sensitivity.
I attended a Meyers Briggs seminar yesterday that talked about personality types and how we relate better to people who share personality types with us.
She said that when you share no personality traits with someone, it's very challenging to have a relationship with them.
The speaker said something fascinating that caught my attention: "The golden rule might be 'do onto others as you would have them do unto you.' but the platinum rule is 'do unto others as they would have you do unto them."
As parents it is our job to try to understand our kids as best as possible so we can parent them the way that works best for them. But when our kids are so utterly foreign to us (maybe sharing none of those personality traits) it can be utterly confounding as you said, to find a way to relate and parent.
Thank you for posting this in your usual beautifully written way. I feel incredibly grateful that I've been able to understand who my daughters are and how they differ from me, I can't imagine how hard it would be to feel such disconnect with my child. I really appreciate the perspective.
I haven't read the original post and am not sure I would want to. This makes me sad for her for a lot of reasons. Just the small quote you posted stung me because having had a child take their first and last breaths in my arms, I can't imagine ever saying something like "it wouldn’t be so bad if I lost my daughter, as long as I never had to lose my son" and having it published. Or even saying it out loud. In my heart I know she doesn't mean she wouldn't be sad if her daughter died, but in the very off chance her daughter reads this, or her husband/partner or her parents or whoever, it's a painful statement. I pray that nothing happens to her daughter because I would think that the guilt of having that one statement "out there in cyberspace" would haunt her for the rest of her life, if it doesn't already. I think it's a cry for help for something going on. But not a good way to display it probably… I don't know. I really don't know.
I totally agree with you that the editors should have discussed with her prior to posting. My first thought was on the daughter. Even though she is young, imagine what trauma it could cause her in the future IF she ever saw this.
I only have 1 child so there is no way for me to think this thought.But even if I had 5 kids I can't imagine writing about this on the internet! I feel sorry for her. I am sure she is realizing now it was a lapse of judgment to write that. Your post is very compassionate and well written.
Oh, Jana. I am so sorry to hear you lost a child. May peace and healing follow you always. I did go to the original post and the writer did clarify a very misunderstood word choice. She intended the 'taken from me'statement to mean by social services. I do think her post is a cry for help and am hopeful that she is open to receiving it.
By the way – if you go back and re-read the post, the author rewrote the section where she wrote about it being easier if she lost her daughter…
One hopes, in a way, that it was cavalier – that she didn't think it would hurt her daughter because she was saying that she IS trying to love her, and that this is why it was okay for her to write so publicly.
I agree. "Kinship" is a great way to put it. When you are in agony, whatever type it is, you want to believe you aren't the only one. Who wouldn't? I think the reaction came down more to the degree of the sharing, not the sharing itself.
Thanks for commenting Ellie!
You make an interesting point, Kim, about feelings some moms may have when they suffer severe PPD or related illnesses. Some think they would be better off dead. Others may think their children might be better off not being here to suffer along in the mother's agony. These are the kind of thoughts that are so important to recognize as a sign that help is needed. (Not saying here that this mother has PPD or has had PPD. I wouldn't know.)
So glad you weighed in.
-K
Thanks for your kind words, Romy.
Your comment and questions are so relevant right now, as I think a lot of people have also questioned the decision-making of the major networks who've had a field day with Charlie Sheen's personal issues. When does a media outlet owe more to a person who may be irreparably harmed than it does to the business goal of putting more eyes on the screen? Is it okay to enable someone for the sake of entertainment? Is there a moral responsibility to protect that person? Or do we say, Hey!, these people are adults and we're just allowing them to do what they want?
I can't say I know the answer. It just FEELS like it would have been so much better to have chosen not to post this, or to have edited it.
I thought that, too … the issue of like versus love. Was that what she meant, or no?
When I first started blogging, I thought about blogging anonymously. If I wrote openly about my mental illness, would it hurt my career, or my family, or my husband's job? I made the choice to be open, because I felt stigma is what holds so many women back from getting help.
Perhaps the writer felt that being anonymous wouldn't be authentic, or help someone else with the same feelings. Still, there's nothing wrong with being careful how you write something so that people aren't as hurt as they might be if you just lay it all out on the line.
I agree with you that all is not lost. Thanks so much for your comments today BA.
Thanks for commenting Annie. I just wish more "mommy bloggers" had joined this discussion because I actually think it's really important. It's not just a "kerfuffle" to slough off. It's a really interesting confluence of issues about traffic, and disclosure, and commenting, and writing about others …
– K
Thanks for sharing this book, Della. Will have to check it out!
Love that point. Bliss is all relative, especially when you are someone who has been through PPD or a related illness, as I have. It took me a LONG time to get to the point where I felt my version of bliss. Glad you shared!
– K
Thanks for joining the discussion Carla. Glad you are here.
Thank you for joining the discussion and for your kind words. I love what you shared here. One has to wonder why it is that no one teaches us any of this stuff before we have kids. Would it be so hard? To let us know that everyone is different, even our children? To give us tools to cope with those differences? To talk about emotional intelligence? I don't think so.
Oh Jana, I'm so sorry. Hugs and love and more hugs and love. Thank you for being here today and sharing your perspective.
– K
Interesting. I hadn't seen that. Thanks for letting me know.
It's interesting to see the babble editors post a fairly generic statement that is no doubt being simultaneously posted on a number of other blog sites (damage control??). I found it sad but not surprising that the above statement cannot be found anywhere near the original post that this entire discussion is referenced. Huh.
Just confirms to me that the site in question continues to place blog traffic/site popularity as a higher priority than the actual site content and more importantly (in this instance), the health and welfare of its bloggers and readers.
Those are all such important questions! I'm not sure any of us will have all the answers, but I just can't get away from the idea that there should be some moral/ethical responsibility for a website to be accountable for their content.
I really feel for this mother.
But.
I also have to take issue with the idea that "authentic" always means "complete, even if potentially devastating, honesty."
There are ways to share about the ambivalence of motherhood without hurting those people who, through no choice of their own, look to you for love and nurturing and complete acceptance.
There are so many ways to show that we are imperfect, conflicted about motherhood, and not always 100% jumping-up-and-down thrilled with our kids…that DON'T include this kind of very public, very lasting admission.
What I want to tell this mom is that gravitating toward your "easy" child or needing a break from the difficult one is natural and doesn't equal loving one more than the other. Some kids are more challenging. We can acknowledge that without bringing "which one do I love more?" into the discussion.
…that said, I think most of the post was OK except for the "Sophie's Choice" part.
I'm really glad you came here, because you didn't have to. And I hope that you can see this post is not about bashing any person or organization, because it's the discussion that matters. I'm grateful to everyone here for having a reasoned debate.
After I read your comment, many questions still exist in my heart. As I wrote above in response to Romy's comment, I still find myself asking "When does a media outlet owe more to a person who may be irreparably harmed than it does to the business goal of putting more eyes on the screen?" Or to supporting free speech? You didn't do anything that other media outlets don't already do all the time. So the question is whether the media has any kind of moral obligation or not? And should different types of media have different levels of accountability — individual bloggers, group blogs, websites that feature blogs, newspapers, networks, etc.? I'm thinking out loud here. I don't know. Is there anyone to blame or should someone be blamed if someday that young girl is scarred by this? Are we all to blame? Is blame bullshit?
That's definitely what did it for everybody. I hear that the particular line has been changed, which is a very good thing.
Funny you say that. I grew up thinking that 100% honesty was always the best policy. Then one day, as an adult, my mom told me that maturity means knowing what to say when and how … that you can be honest while still thinking through how you share that honesty. It was a good lesson. One that I sometimes regretfully forget, and one that sometimes saves my ass when I employ it. Thanks so much for your input Meagan!
Katherine–
There's so much going on in, I have many, many thoughts. But since we're here, I want to ask you what you make of Kate's suggestion that her lousy birth experience is in part responsible for a lack of easy bonding some three years later. I'm a childbirth educator and I do hear about how truly traumatic births affect mom's mental state/thoughts about becoming a mother/her baby and that's totally understandable. But I sometimes wonder whether too much is made about some of the finer aspects of birth and how that might have lasting repercussions. My concern is that too much emphasis on imperfect births as a cause for postpartum depression or other kinds of maternal sadness/strife will take away from a closer examination of other possible causes.
I completely agree. Honesty is, for me, a very important part of my core values. But, so is respecting the privacy of my family. That means that there are a lot of things that I do not share and will never write about. Some of them I may share over coffee with a friend and others I don't share with anyone at all. I think that having filters and also different outlets for sharing is critical.
Meagan – I love your comment. I think maybe I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that anyone could actually MEAN what she said in her post, and so I'm choosing to believe it's a desperate cry for help, because the alternative is too devastating to consider (my own little version of denial). Because I'd like to believe that most mothers DO understand that authenticity doesn't mean "potentially devastating honesty".
But perhaps I'm just sticking my head in the sand.
-Ellie
Completely, 100% agree.
Great point. I don't know if this mom had PPD. Plenty of people who have had PPD have not had the feelings she describes. I didn't. (Not to say that people don't.) And plenty of people who've had PPD didn't necessarily get it because of a difficult birth (though some have). AND I imagine plenty of people who haven't had PPD or a traumatic childbirth still struggle with bonding or parenting issues.
I do think that childbirth trauma can have a serious effect on women, as you said, and it needs to be addressed. That being said, there could be many things aside from that that have led this mom to her current state. People often have many risk factors for emotional health issues, not just one. It IS important to have a "closer examination of other possible causes."
I agree with Blair. Media outlets such as Babble have legal and ethical responsibilities. Even if no one at Babble looks at the post BEFORE it goes up, I think they should have (and could still) take the post down because of the impact that it could have on this woman's daughter.
Instead, not only did Babble allow the post to be published, but they also actively promoted the post and controversy behind it by e-mailing prominent bloggers about it in an attempt to increase page views and fuel the controversy.
I think it shows a reckless disregard for the little girl and is really quite sickening.
I didn't read the article. I like how your responded with such sensitivity, while still suggesting where some more appropriate boundaries could've been observed.
I am trying my best not to be judgmental, but frankly I don't get it. After my youngest was born, I also felt disconnected. It took months to bond and I'm grateful that bond we did. My inability to love him initally as much as his brother is what spurred me on in my quest to recover from PPD.
However, umm did you guys see this little girl? She's gorgeous. I would love to have a little girl, and especially one that looked like that. And why would a child being different or non-compliant be an issue? I love that about my kids. They are so feisty. Neither one of them is like me, in looks or personality. I've worried about something happening to them, but nothing can happen to either of them ever. Never. Ever. Sigh,I just don't get it.