Every now and then I get an email from a mom that reinforces why we need so much more awareness of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, even among physicians. I’ve reprinted the email here, with permission:
I reached out and reached out again and again, but was told that I do not have depression. Because I took care of my household (a little too much, by the way … I cleaned and cleaned) and because I felt close to my daughter, my family physician said I didn’t have postpartum depression and that I should not worry about my visions and thoughts.
I thought I was going crazy. Maybe it was just in my head. It felt to me almost like I needed to know my own diagnosis to find the right doctor. I eventually talked to my OB/GYN — by that time my little girl was more than two years old — and he misinterpreted what I was telling him. I told him without sugar coating it what I visually saw (intrusive thoughts). I told him the truth because I was so desperate for help and thought I had nothing to lose, and the truth landed me in a closed psychiatric unit.
There, everyone treated me like a 2-year-old. It was tough to be heard there because they were like, “Oh, yes, we understand,” all the while acting like I was crazy and as if they had heard that story before. But I felt sane and really violated. Finally, thanks to my cell phone and my husband, I left the locked unit not long after I was admitted. I was finally able to see someone who listened and thought I had postpartum PTSD.
Now I have found someone who thinks I had or have postpartum OCD. Here’s the back story: At 24 weeks, I fell down some steps. I went to the hospital and later found out I’d suffered placental abruption. From that time on I didn’t know whether my baby would be okay. My husband was in Iraq and I couldn’t call him. I am an immigrant and didn’t have any friends or family where I lived, because we had just moved to Indianapolis from overseas.
At 29 weeks I was placed on total bed rest due to preterm contractions and thankfully, my husband was able to come home to take care of me. I made it to week 36 and my little girl was born at 36 weeks and 3 days. The birth was not ideal — there were five failed vacuum assisted attempts, an emergency c-section, and my daughter had to be revived because she had no signs of life. She and I recovered physically really quickly, but my therapist said that my non-stop valid worries about her life and safety (during pregnancy and birth and afterward) developed into OCD. It makes sense to me. Now I just have to deal with it. It feels good to know the cause (the source of my postpartum OCD) besides knowing what I had (my horrible visions). Now, I am approaching the next step and I do feel that I can do this – it is just not easy, but you know that.
My daughter is 29 months old now and I was just diagnosed a few months ago! I so wish the OB/GYN’s would hand out information prior to birth to soon-to-be moms and dads with descriptions of the various postpartum illnesses, so that women and men wouldn’t have to walk in the dark searching for answers and help.
I had the same issues. 2 weeks after the birth of my beautiful daughter I had the visions and the crazy intrusive thoughts. I was so scared and told my husband that I needed help. 1st psychiatrist said I had PPOCD and she was not sure if it would go away, what drug do I want and be thankful for my better days. I was already distraught with what I was going through and then she told me that! I went to see another psychiatrist because I sure was not going to see her again and he told me he had never heard of PPOCD. My 3rd attempt I finally found someone that knew what she is doing. It has been 6 mths and im still trying to recover but at least I know what is going on with me now. Not being able to find a DR to help is just so awful! I had anxiety before the birth which my OB new about but she never explained that anything like this could happen. I never even knew you could get ill by having a baby.
I'm so sorry Amy. But it seems what happened to you and to Britta is pretty common.
It's SUCH a shame that the medical community isn't more aware of these disorders. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Thank goodness you found someone who can help you.
Thanks for your story Britta! It helps to know that im not alone. Iam also going to suggest to my OB/GYN to hand out booklets. I think that should be a requirement. I will pray for all of us to have a fast recovery!
I thank GOD EVERYDAY for emails like that, websites like this and people like you who truly do care and support us all. Still struggling – but doing way better since my meds are increased (and i am back on them after a FAILED attempt to go off them – which resulted in a close call with a breakdown). I to wish that more women and dads were prepared for this and it was discussed in prenatal classes and at the hospital.
Just hang in there Dee. Keep doing what you are doing. One day this will all be just a memory.
– K
Katherine how long did you have ppocd for and what helped you what was your experience like and what helped you
Thank you Katherine and Britta – you girls are so much braver than i will ever be xoxox
Britta…thanks for sharing this story. I also suffered from PP OCD…with those classic intrusive throughts. I call them classic as I've now learned they are textbook symptoms of the disease and all of us with this have suprisingly similar, albeit horrifying, symtoms. The fact that doctors are ignorant of this is so wrong and god bless Katherine and everyone on this blog for helping to educate us. I had a great psychiatrist from the onset and still couldn't quite come to terms with relating to these thoughts as an illness in my brain chemistry until I found this blog and realized I was in the company of some amazing women who happened to get this same symptoms. Take care…it does get better!
I could have written parts of your story based on my own experience. I, too, looked for answers for over a year before someone finally diagnosed me with PPD and PTSD. I'm so sorry that it took so long for you to get a diagnosis, but so happy that you are on the way to recovery.
My heart weeps all over again for the stories I'm reading; however, it also makes my resolve all that much more solid. I, too survived the horror of PPOCD….I actually had it during my pregnancy, which almost immediately followed a miscarriage. I'm a psych nurse, and I had never heard of PPOCD, only PPD, and PPP….I gave birth right when the Andrea Yates trial was going on, which only added fuel to the fire of intrusive thoughts. I, too, was so scared that I would end up in the hospital. I remember finding a PPOCD message board through ivillage.com, and some of us would IM through Yahoo to each other, and people were even scared to write out what their intrusive thoughts were, for fear that Child Protective Services would be knocking on their door. You WILL get better, you WILL survive. Be proud, Warrior Moms!!!
me too. had them for awhile prior to birth, after the loss of a child, and dismissed them as related to something else. And "fortunately" I had PPA/D poss psychosis and that was obvious and got treated, but it wasn't until I saw a "specialist" PP psych in a hospital set up for the purpose that he got me to talk about the horrible things I saw and was very clear that I had PPOCD. Mine were of me doing the worst things you could imagine to my kids. Awful fear. Anyway, I have a question. Has anyone else found that their symptoms have changed? Mine are rarely of me doing something now, and instead I think I see things out of the corner of my eye that are nasty…like a spider or a slug or somethign that could be dangerous for the kids. My psych says it is significant that it is no longer me doing something. I wonder if it is something to do with my feelings about whether this world is a safe place for my family. Suspect my psych will bring this up but would appreciate some others stories.
My symptoms have changed as well. My crazy thoughts about my family have subsided thank god but now I have intrusive thoughts about random people that I dont even know. Did any of you have this issue as well. It is just awful!
Amy,
I have had intrusive thoughts about random people as well. But I still have them about my kids. So sorry you have to go through this but know that your not alone.
Thanks Heather!! So sorry you have to go through this as well! We will get through this!
I know exactly how you alll feel. I am a mother of a two and half year old little girl. To make a long story short I started developing these symptoms 4 moths postpartum. One day I woke up and I started having thoughts about harming my child. I would stay away from the kitchen and I would make my husband give her a bath. it was HORRIBLE. I thought I was going crazy to the point where I would have panic attacks and I couldn't breathe. I didn't know what was wrong with me and I had no idea that you can develop pp OCD. As the days went on things got better. But at the time Casey Anthony was on trial and all I could think about was what if I did that? Or that could be me. I had horrible thoughts about other people also. It took me 2 years to figure out what the hell was wrong with me an it wasn't until I did research on the Internet. I knew that I didn't want to harm her it wa just the thoughts. The thoughts have subsided and I am now able to give her a bath and take her places with out being so frightened but everynow and then a thought will pop up, but I just learned to think of something else. I know how y'all all feel. Keep your family and friends by your side and stay strong.. That always made me feel better!
Its horrible in it I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy did you have it for long and did u have a normel birth and did you take any thing to help you trough it.thanks a lot for your replys
I did reach out for help and went see a therapist and I did get on medication but only for about 3 months. I just wanted to deal with things on my own. I had a normal delivery and I have never had any depression or anxiety. I went through pp OCD fr about a year and a half. And yes it makes me never want to have another kid because I'm afraid of going through it again. The thoughts do go away over time an things do get better.
But I read ere that some of ye only had it for two years max it scares me cause I have it neary four years I really want to be 100%,better and thanks very very much girls for your replys kisses for ye all x x x x x
I do feel like my thoughts about harming my little girl is getting way better and I rarely have any thoughts about harming her, but now I have anxiety. I start obsessing about like what if I have
Schizophrenia or what if I'm mentally I'll? I am in nursing school and now I am doing my mental health rotation and that's when these thoughts started! Does anyone else have these thoughts?
Yes Courtney I was the same what if I have this have that do that you name it I felt it and if I sat and thinked bang big panic atack shaking scared heart raceing how old is your babs hunny hope your ok hun
Thank GOD I'm not the only one! You just made me feel soo much better! I had a huge panic attack last week because I was making my self believe that I had a mental illness! I was scared to death! I had to do orientation at a mental hospital and my heart was about to come out of my chest! Yes if I start thinking about it I panic and then I get so depressed! Its almost like i would make myself believe that i had it and the more i would think about it then i would panic! My little girl is now 2 1/2 and she is the love of my life. I hope you feel better too! This pp OCD is A living hell!
Hi Courtney how you do you just have one baby you said she 2 1/2 is it 2 years or 2 months what treatment do you take hun where do you live hunny hope your doing great does any one think it gets worse when they drink coffee or when it comes to your periods … How are you noonbie thanks for the reply I will see in to the cbt my doc wanted me to go cancelling but I was to sceared hun.
Hi Courtney
I definitely do this. I convince myself that I am developing Pychosis, then when I come out of the anxiety panic realise that if I was, I wouldn't realise it, just as I wouldn't realise if I was developing Schizophrenia. I run conversations in my head all the time, like practicing them or run conversations that I have had with people over & over in my head & I originally thought 'Oh god what if this is what it is like to hear voices, but then my doctor explained that this is my 'internal dialogue'. The thing is once I read something or hear about something it festers and gets stuck in my head and then the "what if's" begin!
I think this is all part of the OCD hun.
Noonibob xxx
Mary, I'm sorry yes she is 2 1/2 years old and she is my only child. Yes it does get worse when I'm on my cycle and somedays I can't drink coffee!
Noonibob, yes I do the same exact thing! And you are right if it was psychosis of schizophrenia you would even realize what you are doing. I am studying all of this in nursing school right now and I learned that. The good thing is that I never have thoughts about hurting my little girl anymore it's just that I panic and then I feel down when I think that something is mentally wrong. I def know how you feel! Thanks for responding!
Hi Mary,
Don't be scared of the CBT hun, you may cry a river when you are in there, but feel much better when you come out& realise that suddenly things are linking together.
A few days before my period, when I am on my period & a day or 2 after are definitely a lot worse. I stay well away fro coffee, as this undoubtedly sends my mind racing. If I don't resist it, I spend the following hours regretting it.
Noonibob..xxx
Stories like this frustrate me. No one should have to go through that!
It was nearly 3 years before I got the right help and even then it was a horrible battle. So glad to see more and more mamas sharing their stories so this can become less common.
Good idea. I would love that!!
Sign me up I don't want anyone to ever feel like they have to face this alone again.
This may be a strange question, but can men suffer from PPOCD?
I had a similiar situation Britta. I started have horrible intrusive thoughts like yours 3 months after my daughter was born. It robbed me of so much joy because I couldn't understand why I was having them and I was sure that they defined me as a person.
I didn't seek help help for five months and when I did the therapist diagnosed me with anxiety, close, but not the same. I started medication and got better over the next several months. Month 9 the therapist and myself thought I could go off successfully. WRONG!
I had some triggers in my life and three months later, found my self in the same horrible place. I didn't want to go back on the meds so I tried everything under the sun. Yoga, meditation, fish oil suppliments, B12 and in addition to my IT's, I obsessed over my "progress."
Finally, 8 months later and two therapists later (the second is an actual psycologist) I received an actual diagnosis of OCD. I had pretty much figured it out from sites like this, books, etc. But to actually receive the right diagnosis and treat the problem from that perspective makes a big difference. I actually started looking at my problem as a true disorder, a "glitch" in my brain that makes it different from other peoples. My psycologist referred me to a psyciatrist who monitors my medication. The therapist I originally had did not understand that I had OCD, and she shouldn't have reommended I go off. My daughter was over 2.5 years old by the time I got true resolution.
I am recovered and doing well now, but what an unneccessary ordeal me, you and so many others have gone through! I hate to think of others having to navigate that path by themselves.
I do belive we have a responsibility to talk about it as we are, to let other mom's know that they are okay and they will get better.
Katherine, much gratitude to you for what you do everyday. I will be forever grateful.
Thanks Beth! 😉
Oh goodness.
I am so so SO sorry that it took you so long to find someone who would LISTEN to you and to HELP you. I am appaled at how you were treated.
But I am so so SO glad that you are finally receiving the help that you deserve.
I know that your email will help other mother's going through the same frustration with the medical system to keep pushing for help. It's a shame that doctors fluff off these symptoms. We know what is wrong with us…and they need to listen.
I had no idea how complex of an illness this is until I was diagnosed. I wish that they really had disscussed PPD in more detail than what they did in the hospital…and even wth my OB.
Hey kimberly,
Did you have PPOCD as well?
I just want to send out a MASSIVE FIST BUMP to all of my fellow postpartum OCD survivors and those who are struggling now. It's hell, but it's a hell you will get through.
– Katherine
Thank you all for post your stories. I to suffer from PPOCD. All I can say is its a battle I wouldn't wish on anyone. But oh how reading your stories tonight has helped me from not feeling so alone. I got treatment early on but was being treated for anxiety and depression. It wasn't until recently that my doctor mention that he thought I had PPOCD. I can't believe that my little boy is is 21 months and I am still suffering from this horrible disease. My doctor finally switched my meds this week. After I told him I could handle having these horrible intrusive thoughts anymore. He put me on a new med that is known to help with OCD. I am praying with all my heart that it works. And if it doesn't then I will continue to fight.Until I can say I have beat this horrible thing Call PPOCD.
I take fluvoxamine, for the OCD, depression and anxiety. And it has helped. Its been slow, but very steady improvement. And after awhile you realise its not so terrifying that you can't face whatever is staring you in the face. Thats what my psych said to do. If you have a "flash" of you doing something to your kids, like if I am giving my lovely child a bath and I have a "flash" of me drowing her (aughhhh!) then the best thing to do is to keep bathing her, to face it full and front, and keep going. Sometimes I felt I couldnt. Cant tell you more about what to do then. But there came a point for me where I could almost poke my tongue out at it, and say blerg…poop, I am not going to do that! I still go up and down. But they are rare now. And it is pretty definately hormone related as it cycles. And the biggest thing for me is learning to know how I am feeling and then being able to face or do something about it before it gets really bad. I still don't have much idea what I feel most of the time, so can get quite stressed without realising it. And after awhile too I realised I didnt have to FIGHT it…I could just relax and it would help it go away. I could stop. And just be me. And that was OK. That is a lovely place to get to.
Heather if you would like to keep in touch so we can give each other support that would be great. My email amy_spriet@yahoo.com.
i went thru the same thing myself with my second pregnancy.. i thought i was going mad.. having thoughts and visions of killing your children is horrifying i went into a deep depression.. and found my self in the psych ward.. it took a long time for me to start getting better my daughter will be 2 in march and i still have a hard time sometimes.. the guilt still eats me.. but it has driven me in a positive path i want to become a counselor and help moms like us it does get better.. were good moms who love our children.. and we need to speak out to other woman so they know theres others out there and they dont feel alone.. make it our mission ladies!
Hi could you still ha
ve it 3 years later I get good days and bad days still I wish I wa
better now my girl is nearly 4
yes i think you can. I think it depends a lot on your circumstances tho. I suspect I will always have some form of it, and when my hormones change again in menopause i think I will need to be careful. But that takes into account a lot of factors
Ive also suffered with this horrible illness. My daughter is nearly 5 months old and the intrusive thoughts started when I was pregnant. They are awful and I was deeply depressed for about 2 months. I've had counselling, reiki, shamanic healing. I refused to take meds as didn't think that would get to the root of the problem. I'm currently having reverse body therapy which teaches me to be in touch with my body to help me think rationally. I've been taught some techniques to deal with the thoughts when they do occur. I still get frequent thoughts but no longer have the depression or anxiety. I pretty much try to get on with life as normal which can be difficult but I refuse to give in to these ridiculous thoughts because that's exactly what they are. Its so awful though and all I ever wanted was to be a mum and these thoughts ruined the first 3 months with my baby and still do get in the way now. I hope you inspirational ladies get the support you need. We are being the best mothers we can be despite this horrible illness x
I would love to meet katrine in person she inspires alot of women she deserves alot its nice to know there is someone we can reley on thank you so much Katherine
I felt like my nurse-midwife abandoned me during labor – I saw her once – and she was extremely aggressive with me and impatient. I ended up going in for my post partum check up to the OBGYN from the practice who did my unexpected C section simply to avoid the midwife. I wish I had gone to him from the get-go. He is extremely empathetic and immediately put me on antidepressants when I told him how I had been feeling.
He's married to a psychiatrist, which I think has something to do with his awareness. But I feel like I'm almost lucky I had a C section. Because otherwise I wouldn't have gone back to him for my check-up and gotten help immediately.
Hi Ladies,
First of all I think we should all give ourselves a lot of credit, as we may not YET be over this horrible illness, but we are living with it, dealing with it & managing to be good mummy's at the same time (even though at times we may not feel we are doing any of the above very well).
After seeing numerous doctors & being diagnosed with PND & feeling that the doctors did not undersgand, I researched my symptoms & self diagnosed PPOCD. I printed out a write up from a UK OCD website & took it to my doctors, finally she agreed (5 months after originally seeking hell) & I have started Cognative Behavioural Therapy. I am still in the assessment stage (have had 3 sessions), as my therapist OCD is quite complex & K have
Didn't finish writing & knock post…..
& I have elements of PND. I have Intrusive Thoughts about my son (almost 9 months old), have visions of someone harming me from behind, but a rare symptom I have which I believe is an OCD trait is that I rehearse conversations or reply conversations with people I know over & over again in my mind. I do this most of the day. Especially if someone has upset or annoyed me. Does anyone else do this?
Also has anyone overcome OCD with CBT without medication. I have tried 3 different antidepressans, but have had side effects, so can not take them. I have been given Prozac as an option to try, but it scares me as I have heard people having crazy thoughts & see & hearing things that aren't there on this medication. I am so saddened that I have been unable to fully enjoy my sonx first 9 months & don't want to miss out for much longer.
Stay strong ladies & try to remember how you felt & acted before this horrible illness took hold. Because that is who you STILL truely are & that is how K believe we will feel & act once again.x
Thank you for the comment Britta.
I really hope I can get through this without medication, but on days like today I wonder whether it is possible or whether I am strong enough. How long did you take medication for if you don't mind me asking & do you think it helped your progress in anyway?
My doctor put me on sleeping pills for three days to reset my sleep pattern & it worked, I have slept much better since. But a few days before & the week of my period, I actually feel like I'm going crazy & my doctor said AD's would help until my hormones settle down (although my son is 9 mnts now). X
Im trying to overcome this without any medication and with therapy alone. It's proving difficult because my mind is always racing but I am determined to get through this. I think if you can recognise the thoughts as ridiculous and know that they are completely that and if you are being a good mum to your child, you have won half of the battle. I am going to continue with therapy until I get there. Hardest thing I've ever gone through and I would do anything to be looking back on this as a distant memory x
Hi Flower_G
How long have you been going through therapy? Do you also have postnatal depression or suffer from OCD alone? I know I am caring & looking after my child well, but don't feel a GOOD . I feel I should do better, like if he cries cos he's hungry I think 'I should've realised the time & got his lunch ready earlier' or feel I should play with him more & doubt whether I am teaching him enough or properly. My husband & parents tell me I am a good mum, but that doesn't stop the doubt. Then there's the guilt for having the intrusive thoughts.
Do you find you tend to get easily worked up, snappy & angry at times for no real reason?x
hi there
Easily worked up and snappy and angry are pretty normal symtoms of the PND I think. I get those, they are a great red flag that I am pushing it a little , or need to slow down or whatever it is that you do to help yourself. But they come out of the blue for me at first, now tho I am much much more aware I am feeling stressed and able to realise before it bursts out. Also i just get less angry now I am getting better. A few other symtoms for me are indecisiveness, lack of concentration, reduced capacity for interractions with people, crazy long dreams…these are all PND. I also used to have racing thoughts, like I was peddling a bike and getting in the wrong gear and it was clunky, and slipping in and out of gear, sometimes too my vision seemed to mirror this. Oh and clumsiness, not sure which one this is related to, but def get clumsy and overwhelmed by detail
Hi just wondering how long ye had pnd for or ocd and what helped ye to cope I know how you feel noonbie I think England and Ireland dont know much about ocd
Hi Mary
Are you in Ireland? I think, no actually I know that I was suffering from PND & PNOCD months before I sought help, as I knew something wasn't right and that I wasn't really 'happy', but though it was just down to a very demanding baby, who from 2 weeks till he was 3 months had bad colic & a bad labor which I now realise really upset me but I just pushed it to the back of my mind. If I had been made aware of the early signs of PND or asked more questions by my health visitor then I don't think I would be in such a bad place right now. I would have sought treatment straight away instead of just trying to cope with things and assume that "this is how new mums must really feel". Because I just burried my feelings and didn't tell my husband that I wasn't sleeping as I was checking on my son 10 or so times in the night, he didn't know that there was anything wrong until boom, I really couldn't cope, thought I was going crazy, was convinced I was going to to something terrible subconciously (like sleep walk or in a moment of madness) with actually being aware I was doing it and my whole world came tumbling down.
I don't think I could have provented the PND, but if treated earlier I do think it may have provented the OCD as the build up of stress triggered the OCD.
I then visited my GP (well a GP who I will never visit again) who told me that because my baby was 6 months old it couldn't be PND. Luckily I now see a fantastic GP who is very clued up on PND.
I have had PND & PNOCD for 6 or 7 months maybe more .x
No hun im in Spain from England really just that my husband moves about with work stayed in Ireland for a year no it scares me alot cause I have it four years on meds 3 years I wish there's someone with the same as me.and had it long
Apart from Medication, what treatment have you had Mary. It turns out I have had OCD for many years, it's just that I have always managed to deal with it before now. But since having my baby it has become much worse with the intrusive thoughts etc. Are you seeing a doctor in Spain? My doctors is spanish and is fantastic, so I guess they are more clued up about PND & PNOCD over there. My doctor said to me (and I am not saying this is correct or right for everyone) but she said "Medication can certainly help and speed up the recovery process, but Therapy is the key. Medication doesn't get to the route of the problem but therapy does, therefore Medication alone will never solve the problem but therapy or a combination of both eventually will. You have to Retrain the mind into thinking correctly and rationally". I'm hoping she is right and will let you know how I get on with my CBT in future weeks.x
Hi Sarah
Thanks for the comment. I found it really helpful as I have been really clumsy and forgetful lately and my concentration is terrible & i wondered if it was part of it.
If you don't mind me asking, are you taking any medication? I have tried 3 different antidepressants, but all of them stopped me from sleeping. I am reluctant to try another yet as I have only had 3 CBT sessions and want to see if that can work alone.
What have you found has helped you in your recovery so far? x
I was on xyprexa which is an all fix, which they gradually wean you off as the other medication starts to work. I was only on xyprexa for 3 weeks then started seeing another doc who specialises in PN problems and he saw that it was also OCD and put me on fluvoxamine as well…some of these are brand names sorry. That made a huge difference. So did the xyprexa but the fluvoxamine was the corner. It is a very old medication, Katherine and others would know more, its just part of the group used to treat depression, but it also helps with OCD and anxiety, so it fits well. They were important as they act like a bandage to stop the bleeding, so your body can get well underneath using other techniques like CBT, fish oils, exercise etc. However if you are not bleeding too much…i.e. not so bad with the OCD etc, or you can cope without it exacerbating things, and getting stresed by your symptoms, then praps you wont need medication, as the stress of course can make things worse. So I needed the medication as it was sudden, and severe and I realised later I actually had not much experience at all of "feeling" emotion as I had been squashing everything down subconciously, so I had no ability really to face stuff without it freaking me out. That is my context. Does that make sense?
The things I found helped most were initially cutting down on stimulus, really really cutting down…so was in hospital for awhile, but when at home having no responsibilities apart from looking after baby and myself…I didnt clean, didnt make any real decisions, would tell the other kids sorry, I cant do that at the moment, and had back up stuff for them to do. We had easy meals, that I didnt buy or cook or decided etc. It was really hard work on my husband, as well as him being stressed of course. And with the anxiety, until I learnt how to not squash it and kick at it, I found the best thing was avoidance/distraction. I would knit, or I really like quilting by hand, making something beautiful, or wathcin somethign lovely and quiet and encouragin on a little dvd player, or eating something nice with a cup of tea on the verandah…doing something special for yourself if a great all round help with a lot of this. Learning not to push the anxiety away was a mindfulness thing. I am not clear on it, but can write more if you think it would be helpful.
Re the anxiety, I had other things that helped as well, but havent had to use them for so long I cant remember many now. I can get the list if you want more but grounding and mindfulness were the best. Grounding exercises I still use a little, and mindfulness techniques, which are actually quite similar…your CBT person should be able to do them with you, and they are certainly a huge help. They are designed to get you into the present. To realise that NOW, everything is ok. You are not falling, or failing, or dying, or anything bad, and the world is actually pretty stable under your feet and things are pretty good. I am sure Katherine must have written about them on this website somewhere.
The other things were exercise, getting your heart rate up…I play soccer. And I did swimming too. Its hard tho to make yourself. I needed help with that. And have been told that some supplements…fishoils especially…high dose like arthritus sufferers, and zinc and a good all round supplement.
And some things dont help. Katherine has a list. And she's right. Sleep is important, so grab it when you can. And chaos and too much doing is not good. And some books, movies stories etc are not good. And too much computer does me no good! Too much input etc.
And if you like I could list how I knew Iwas improving and how I know when I am struggling.
OK, brain full. Going to turn off now! Hope thats useful and clear.
read over this and realised a little garbled. sorry about that.
had a look at your other comments, and can say that yes it is worse for me a few days before my period. Pretty normal apparently. And it usually improves afterwards.
If I had to pick anything to do if I wasnt going to use meds…I would say CBT…however it will depend a lot on your practitioner. And then I would say mindfulness and grounding techniques as they can provide immediate help as well as long term. And then exercise. And then for the long term, over a few months, fishoils and zinc etc…the evidence is very good for all of these things being helpful and making a significant difference.
AND, just for context, I am on the other side of the world! not writing at 6.31pm like it says on my page, but around morning tea time, from Tasmania Australia. I dont make/take many chances to talk freely about it all so I am grateful for the questions and site for a chance to easily blurb. Hope you feel you are slowly improving. I am, and appreciate the ability to feel happy so much. Hope you can look forward to that too.
Mmorning times are worse for mr
Me too actually Mary, but that I think has a lot to do with the fact that my baby is very demanding, wants picking up 'All Of The Time',, cries when he's put down, cries when I wash him, cries when I dress him, cries when I change him, infact the only he doesn't seem to cry is when he's in my arms walking around, in his pushchair, in the bath or asleep. I have just ordered a book by 'The Baby Whisperer' this morning, because I think the constant battle I have looking after my son is part of the problem.
How old is your child/ children Mary.x
My babs is 3 thats y im so worried I shouldn't have it this long my babs is very very demanding to lol
Mary,
Did you get chance to read my post above about your trestment?x
Thats not necessarily true hun, OCD can be with you for life as far as I have been told, it's how you manage it & deal with it that makes the symptoms less or go away. But I was watching Gabbie (a morning program we have on channel 5) & there was a baby/infant specialist on talking about postnatal illnesses & she said "one big problem with the treatment is we treat the mind of the mother with medication & therapy, but we don't support & teach the mother on how to cope with a demanding child. So the or a trigger is always there. HV just expect that as the baby or child gets older, things will get easier, but thats not always the case"
I totally agree with this, no amount of medication or therapy is gonna make me 'ok' with my baby crying all the time. As my husband works long hours I am on my own a lot & the fact that I can't even go to the loo or grab a sandwich without him screaming the house down makes my anxiety constant. So I am now going to try to research techniques on how to change my sons behaviour or insecurities.x
Hi Sarah
Thankyou so much for your detailed reply. I also understand 'too much computer does this illness no good'. If I read or think too much, my mind begins to race & I find it hard to switch off.
I have had a really bad few days, I think it has been a combination of my husband working extra hours, therefore me caring for my son alone, stuck in the house as we have had bad snow & being on my period. I am now seriously considering taking the Prozac that my GP prescribed me. I was that bad at one point today I was crying because my son was crying and found myself looking at him thinking that he didn't like me & that he was doing it all the more on purpose. Then I spent all afternoon worrying about having that thought and as you probably know the more you worry about it, the more you can't stop thinking about it. I have this fear of becoming Pyscotic (developing Psycosis) and the slightest thought like that scares me wittless.I don't know if this is normal for PND or PNOCD? But I find myself looking for symptoms and then scaring myself thinking I may be having them. I am anxious about taking the antidepresants as I know they can cause you to have suicidal thoughts and wierd thoughts/ dreams. As I have already experienced side effects with others, I am scared I will experience these side effects. Prozac (Fluoxetine) is in the same family meds as the medication you are taking. Did you have any initial problems with medication or did you manage to get on the correct one first time?
I haven't heard of mindfulness or grounding techniques, but I will definitely look these up and ask my CBT therapist about them on Thursday.
You sound like you have come a long way and are really overcoming this horible illness, your story gives me a much needed glimmer of hope!
Yes if you don't mind telling me, how did you know you were getting better and how do you think the medication helped? Do you feel anxious about coming off the medication? Or is this something you will just tackle when the time comes?
Thank you again sarah for your reply and take care!xxx
Maybe this is partly the case, but I started off feeling ok this morning, but then the crying & screaming & climbing up my legs Whist I made breakfast stared & then I felt like I couldn't cope & it was all down hill from there really.
It is something I will bear in mind tomorrow though Britta, thank you.x
the way you descirbe your day sounds really typical of PND/anxiety. To worry about worrying is awful, and common. And to be scared of symptoms. Its a very sensible thing to be monitoring how you are etc, but when the anxiety gets involved it can go a bit haywire and be frightening. Which is why its good to ahve a psych or good GP who monitors your symptoms for you..somone who is looking after you. After awhile you will get to a point where you realise you can cope with the worry, then you will stop worrying about it, even when it happens, you'll be able to think, "oh I'm worried, oh bum, well thats one of my symtoms, its going to happen". I had to get quite a bit of help before my psychologist realisd I didnt know I was blocking emotions and had no idea how to let myself experience them. Once she showed me how the fear of fear went away…which is normal.
I was fortunate with the medication, it worked well and I did not need to try anything else. And also, the psychiatrist I see for the medication, this is all he does, PN problems, so I am very fortunate, he monitors my medication and how I am, esp early on, and I was on a low dose then it was gradually increased. I dont know I have had any side effects, except praps a tencency to eat more…bum. I reckon if your GP is prescribing your meds, rather than a psych, I would make sure you see them very often, esp early on. And mine did make me feel spacy and a bit weird for the first week when my dosage was increased a few times, which apparenlty is a really normal symptom. It is really important to get somone treating you who you feel comfortable telling everything so they can monitor your symptoms…do you have somone like that, the stuff you are saying on here is really clear and would be great if you could feel you could tell that sort of thing to your doctor.
Getting better. Katherine has a lovely list of these, from mums who wrote in…when I started on the fluvoxamine I felt quite different, awake, present, and happy. Quite strong/clear feelings. I also felt love for my child, wonderful wonderful feeling, could just lie with her and enjoy her…could enjoy many things! and could choose to enjoy them! Think that was a big change, when I felt much much more able to choose things that I knew would help…much easier to choose to go out onto our deck and have a cup of tea in the sun, or read a book for 10 min, or have toast with lots of butter. Everything felt easier, and I actually could feel my lips turning up at the corners, with smiles I didn't expect. It was wonderful early on when that started.
Re the other weirder symtoms…I would have far less "flashes" or intrusive images, and they became less visual and more like a thought that would pass thru my mind. I used to have maybe up to ten a day, maybe a bit more, and it gradully went down to one, or none, and they were far milder and didnt grip me at all. My psych wass very good at getting me to talk about them a little, and to face them, so I could see they had no power, they were fears, not reality. Also, my mind would race less often, feel less clunky. I wouldnt catastrophise as much. I wouldnt think so much. I would get less crabby, I would stop more during the day. Didnt feel so anxious. Also the dips after a sleep, or first thing in the morning were not as bad. And when I had my period i wouldnt go down as far.
Sorry got a bub on the boob so will stop for awhile.
Hi Sarah
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post. It really helps & I'm sure it will help many more women out there that may read it. I had a really good CBT sessions today & feel much more positive, so am going to try to give myself another month without medication & see how I am then. My CBT therapist thinks that I may be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress aswel following my difficult
labour.
One thing I meant to ask before was, did you find that you were forgetful aswell as lack of concentration? E.g. today I switched the kettle on without even putting any water in it & I found myself putting something in the cupboard instead of the bin. Not sure if it's just because my mind is usually elsewhere.
Take care, happy thoughts!xxx
Hi noonibob,
I was depressed around October time. I overcame the anxiety and depression around Christmas time but still suffer with the intrusive thoughts which do make me sad and upset. I've been having this particular therapy since the beginning of jan and the lady is wonderful. She has helped me to realise that I am a good mum and that this will pass. You have to stop beating yourself up. Think about everything you have achieved in one day alone. Mums are amazing. It's horrible that we have to go through this but it's reassuring to know that ppl do recover and do go on to to have more children. Is this happening with your first child? X
I can't wait to get to the point where the thoughts are not a constant daily thing. I would love to get off the meds and just be my normal self. The way I was before I had a child! It has been 6 months and I still can't believe this happened! I always ask myself WHY! I still have not come to terms with it. I think I always had OCD but just obsessed about finances or my job. I thought it was normal! I never had bad thoughts! This is suppose to be the best time of my life and it has stolen so much from me. I just keep reading recovery stories how it does get better. I have finally learned to stay off all the other websites that can really get the wheels turning. I really think this is more common then we think. I was speaking with a few of my coworkers and they actually had similar thoughts they just kept it to themselves and eventually went away. Women are just so scared to talk about it and it shouldnt be that way! Im not scared to tell people what I'm going through its not my/our fault! We are good mothers and going through HELL. But we will all get through it! Thanks just needed to vent 🙂
I'm exactly the same Amy, I'm still in shock that it is happening to me. I had a really good week a couple of Weeks ago & really thought I was makung progress. But now for the past week I feel like I am back to square one. But I will not give up. I have a Aunty who has just been diagnosed with a terrible muscle wasting desease & may only have 2 yrs to live. I keep reminding myself that she would swap me places in tge blink of an eye. If she had as much chance as I had to get better she would be so greatful after knowing how dark & short her future now is. It makes me realise my life could be a lot worse.
Noonibob x
Britta how are you today how old is your babs how many kids do you have how did u know you had ppocd or ppd hope your going great
Morning Mary
How are you today? Did you see my post regarding what other treatment you've tried. I have spoken to a girl called Lauren this week who has suffered with OCD for years. So you are not the only one hun. She is gettng there slowly. CTB didn't work for her which is what I'm trying & she is on Prozac for the depression & OCD.x
Hi Britta
My Son is almost 9mts & I was only diagnosed with PNOCD 6 weeks ago & that was through my own research & therefore contact the right support centre. I saw my CBT therapist today & had a really good session. I cried the biggest part of it, but feel like she's managed to bring out some issue's (that I didn't realise I was struggling with) & that has made me feel like I am making progress. She also said that there is a strong possibility that I am suffering from PTSD. I have decided to try & get through another month without medication & see if I make any real progress with the CBT alone. I am sleeping much better now, I clear my mind (or try to) by reading a book for an hour before I go to sleep & that seems to help me relax.
Are you having CBT based therapy Britta? I hope it's going well & that you make a speedy recovery back to yourself if not stronger than before!x
Hi Flower_G
Thanks for the reply. Is the therapy you are having Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? Thats what I have started. I so hope I can get there without having to try the medication.
Yes this is my first child. Had all the typical triggers, took 2 years to become pregnant, had a long difficult labor which ended in assisted delivery, then my son had bad colic for the first 3 months & he is still a very demanding baby now. Not content to play with his toys for long etc, before he cries to be picked up.
I always imagined having 2 or 3 children as neither me or my husband are only children & couldn't imagine not having my sisters around growing up, but now I don't know if I could go through this all again & that alone gets me down, as I feel I'm almost being cruel to my son not giving him a brother or sister.
How did you overcome the depression & anxiety Flower_G?x
I think that too noonibob. Really want more children but cannot cope with these thoughts. It sounds like you've had a difficult time 🙁 I've also had a difficulty time. My baby is very good, very content etc but I just feel guilty about the thoughts. I don't cry lots anymore and I try to get on with life as normal. I've tried to let the thoughts just drift in and out of my mind without reacting to them. I try not to give them energy. Im having some CBT and reverse body therapy which works with being in touch with your body. What are your thoughts about if you don't mind me asking? X
I have 'flash' intrusive thoughts of suffocating my baby. I also worry a lot about him 'stopping breathing' & I check on him a lot when he is sleeping. I have a fear that I could subconsciously do something to harm him, even though logically I know I am a good person & love my son & would never hurt him.
I have never heard of reverse body therapy, don't think they do it in the UK, but I am going to look it up. I am willing to try anything before resorting to medication.
Do you have similar intrusive thoughts?
If you don't mind me asking, what is your reason for not wanting to go down the medication route.x
Noonibob, I am from the UK and reverse body therapy is really good. My thoughts are actual really awful- they are of a sexual nature. It's really awful just talking about them, I'm exactly the same – I would never ever do anything like that which is why the thoughts are so bizarre. I don't want to go on medication yet as I don't want to become dependent but I'm not saying I never will. I'm going to give myself another 2 months and If the thoughts are still as strong, I will turn to medication. My therapist has told me thy this can be cured without medication and with a lot of hard work. The sessions are £80 each so not cheap at all. Xxx
Flower_G, I haven't excluded medication either, but the thought of taking them scares me. As I am still in the 'Assessment' stage of CBT & hopefully as of the next session, I will begin to benefit from it. As my Therapist hasn't actually given me any tools/ suggestions on how to deal we thinks yet. I'm going to give it another month & if I haven't made progress, I may try medication.
I know the thoughts we are both having are all the OCD, but it still worries me why I am having them. All I wanted was to be a mummy & now feel like I can't enjoy it because of this horrible illness.
How old is your little one hun? Which country are you having the therapy in? I am going to look into Body Reversal Therapy.x
Im in England and I believe that there are a few places that do reverse body therapy. My LO is 20 weeks old. She is lovely and I love her so much which makes this whole thing a lot worse. Just in disbelief that it's happening to me as that's all I wanted too- just to be a mum and be happy. X
Hi Flower_G, also meant to ask, do you think it is hormone related & find you are worse at different times of the month? X
Oh sorry, most women on here seem to be in America or elsewhere, so assumed you were too. Did you have any OCD or depressive tendencies before? It is a big shock when it happens to you isn't it. How have you
found the help & support from your health vistor & GP? I have had zero help from my HV, but luckily I have now managed to find a good GP that has first hand knowledge of PND & is really understanding & sympathetic.x
HI noonbie just getting back to you now just only depressing tabs is the only treatment I tired
Morning Mary
Hope you are having a good one!
Has your doctor/ specialist referred you for (CBT) Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? If not I would recommend that you request to be referred & also consider changing doctor.
My Doctor and therapist have both told me that 'It is definitely possible to overcome this illness with CBT alone, but it is definitely NOT possible to overcome it with Medication alone. Medication is just a Prop to help you cope with life better whilst going through the therapy & whilst your hormones settle down' I believe this is true from what I have read also. The Medication simply enables the neurotransmitters to carry (transmit) the seratonine from where it is produced to where it needs to be. But it doesn't get to the route cause and therefore until addressed, the thoughts will still occur & fester in the mind. The NICE guidelines to treat OCD are that the patient undergoes a course of CBT and depending on the severity SSRI's may also be required. The most effective treatment is a combination of the two.
I had a really good CBT session this week and have now also been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I didn't realise how traumatic I found my labor and how much it has effected me. But by my therapist asking me specific questions I broke down crying and let out so much emotion that again I didn't even realise I had been holding in for the past 9 months. She said that my next session is going to concenrate on retrieving memories of the birth and will be very hard but necessary for me to put that experience to bed and for it to move to the (long term memory) instead of being held in the (short term memory). This is something that medication can not do. Also through therapy I have realised that I had OCD traits before I became pregnant, but I didn't see them as an issue as they didn't really effect my daily life.
My doctor used a good way of putting it to me. She said "Imagine you have lots of pieces of paper out on a table that you need to file away, but you don't really have time to do it or don't want to face doing it, so you just file them away in any old file and any old draw. It may look better for now, but at the back of your mind there is constantly that little voice say 'that filing is a mess and needs dealing with'. The only way to stop the 'little voice reminding you' is to take all that paperwork out and sort it into the correct piles and then file it away in the correct files and then put it away in the correct drawers. That is what CBT does, it takes out all thoughs incorrectly filed 'thoughts and emotions', sorts through them and eventually files them in the correct part of the brain where they should be kept (filed) and belong."
I hope this helps Mary. CBT is hard, but I personally feel that it is slowly unpicking my 'OCD' and by breaking it down into smaller pieces, it becomes a smaller problem.
Noonibob xxx
Hey all. Lots of comments. Not sure if this is the place, feel free to redirect me Katherine, but wanted to chat and also see how others were going. I am struggling, only a little tho, b my oldest who is 14 is really struggling with anxiety and depression, mostly around being at school, and its exhausting. The kids have just started school again after the 8 wk summer break. Its been going on for about a year now, and it was a real bummer that things are the same after the break. We have a psych, am getting blood test and seeing a paediatrician, but no meds yet. Also looking at changing schools. Anyway, woke in the night last night and my symptoms were worse, and felt anxious so harder to dismiss them, and am in middle of my period so am worse then. I just wanted to tell the ether 🙂 and see if anyone else was out there!. Thanks
I started having really bad worries that family members would die after I had my really bad car accident. 6 months after my car accident I ended up pregnant, my whole pregnancy I worried me or my son would die at birth etc. Or I would have him early which I did I developed hellp syndrome and pre eclampsia and had an emergency csection. I have just recently had a thought of me throwing my son. I put him down and started crying and wondered why I would think such a thing. I am so terrified to tell my dr in the fear of losing him, and she may have never heard of this, there are so many people that havent. I am also bipolar. Every since I have had him I have also worried if im doing things “right”. & also very scared he would die of sids. Im 6 months pp.
Currently struggling with post partum OCD, and honestly; it is just the worst. But we already knew that. Right now I am especially nervous, and on here, because I actually have an appointment with my therapist today (its 2am right now) & I am mentally spazzing out and confused and distraught because I went through what I was going to say to my therapist in terms of my symptoms…….. Bad call. Should have just went to sleep. I feel like it triggered it. It’s just the worse.
Yolanda, I’m glad you’re reaching out. Your therapist is there to listen and to help you recover from this. She/he is on your side. You’re doing the right thing. Thinking of you!