[Editor’s Note: Today’s guest post comes from Stephanie Koch Pavol. She talks about her fears of having another baby after postpartum depression and how others’ pregnancy announcements make her feel. It’s a real post with real heart. -Jenna]
As I’m scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed it hits me again like a ton of bricks: Another friend is having her second baby. She’s cheerfully announcing that her daughter will be a big sister this summer with an adorable picture. Her daughter holds an ultrasound picture, and her husband is beaming with pride.
Facebook friend, I want you to know that I am so, so happy for you. I really am. It’s wonderful that you’re having your second bundle of joy. I know I will someday too.
But what I might not tell you is that there’s a green-eyed envy monster rearing its ugly head right now.
You see, here’s the thing: I so very much want to have another baby too. But it’s so much more complicated for mamas who’ve dealt with a perinatal mood disorder like mine. An illness that robbed me of a happy pregnancy and postpartum period and rocked me to my core.
There are many more things to consider for a mama like me, such as:
- Will I be confronted with that terrible beast of anxiety and depression again, even despite all of my best planning and coordination with my healthcare providers?
- If so, am I willing to go through that again?
- I feel good so good now. When will I be willing to chance that again?
- Can I go to a lower, safer amount of medication? (Or for some mamas, go off altogether.) How will I do this?
- If my anxiety and depression come back, how will that affect turning-into-a-toddler son? I don’t want him to see me in my worst moments, like I had before. Can I be strong enough for him?
I hate to feel envious, I really do. I know all feelings are valid, but envy just feels so fruitless to me. So I feel even worse for feeling this way.
But I just so much just want to have the options you do: To not have to plan around the potential dreaded anxiety and depression. To happily get pregnant without having to think through all these shitty repercussions. To gleefully announce my pregnancy on Facebook without this scary black cloud hovering over me.
I’ll be willing to confront all of these questions someday, but for right now, I’m trying to just keep that green-eyed monster at bay. I tell the monster that I need to take care of my mental and physical well-being first. I tell the monster I’m so grateful and happy for the amazing family I have right now. I tell the monster that I am stronger than him. That his challenge has only made be better.
So Facebook friend, please know that I’m so, so happy for you. I just can’t help feeling a little sad for me.
~Stephanie Koch Pavol
What a beautifully written and real piece! Thanks so much for sharing this. I’m still in the early recovery days from post natal depression/anxiety with my first baby but I can really identify with feeling of happiness for others at the same time as keeping the green eyed monster at bay when I see my friends carefree pics and posts with their babies. I also found your comment about the experience of perinatal mood disorder making you better and stronger in the long run – that’s what I cling to on the bad days!
Hugs and amen. I was basically okay after my first baby, but then I had a miscarriage and had a really dark time. Then I had my second baby and… well, the PPD has been relatively mild and seems to be getting better, but… I want one or two more kids, I do, but the thought terrifies me, too.
Because yes, my PPD wasn’t as bad this time as after my miscarriage (aside from sometimes imploding with rage at my toddler, that feels awful), but oh man. I had Cholestasis of Pregnancy with both babies, a miserable condition with up to a 15% chance of stillbirth if untreated, which left me only able to get around two to four hours of sleep many nights towards the end. I had a severe case with my second baby, and that means I have about a 90% chance of getting it again if I get pregnant again.
After my second baby I started having some horrible Episodes of back, rib, and chest pain. After some very scary days, I figured out that I was subluxing my ribs. I’m going to physical therapy now, and it helps, but I still have days of joint pain all over that I didn’t used to have. It seems the stress of pregnancy on my body and the hormones probably activated genes for Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, EDS.
Having that name for it has made a lot of sense of a lifetime of minor symptoms, so that part’s good, but it’s so much worse now. (A little bit like PPD forcing me to confront some childhood issues, but still being such an awful thing? Mreh.) Sometimes I’m not sure I could survive another baby. (Let alone raising another one…?!) I so wish it were simple and easy. I’m jealous for both of us, for all of us. It sucks and is completely unfair.
Oh, and as far as being happy and sad and feeling even worse because of the envy — I don’t know if it would help at all, but for me, PPD after a miscarriage while taking care of a toddler is the epitome of conflicting emotions, and guilt for those emotions, and I did a mini-rant about it on Twitter, here: https://twitter.com/quettandil/status/711415389431795712
Thank you for sharing this! My heart broke again and again reading because I have the same feelings…grief upon grief…my last pregnancy ended in abortion because I was so depressed and suicidal.
I don’t regret the decision but I still wonder “what if I had gotten the right help?” Because it was so severe and such quick onset in that pregnancy, I didn’t see it coming. They say depression happens gradually, and then suddenly.
There is a part of me that still wishes. But the risk feels too great. With 2 other children, and being a single mom, I can’t take the chance of getting sick again.
Oh, this disease.
I am grateful for all the beautiful lessons it is teaching me.