The wind was howling. The sky looked a murky shade of green. I saw the patio umbrella blow past the back door. I've been here before. It's tornado season in Atlanta.
The house in which I live has no basement, and, I realized this week, no interior rooms without windows on the first floor other than a small coat closet. There my kids sat, inside the closet, among bunches of pillows. I couldn't fit too, so I sat with them just outside the closet.
Tornado sirens were blaring.
As I sat there, I realized how calm I was. My small daughter was very upset and I told her everything would be fine, and I actually believed what I was saying.
That may seem normal to you, but it isn't for me. I recall several years ago, before I was treated for anxiety, being scared out of my wits every single time there was a tornado warning. As an adult. My heart would race, my chest would tighten and I would be sure that our house would be hit. I would be completely frantic. I actually used to dread Spring because of the spate of tornado warnings that would inevitably occur, knowing that I'd have to go through my regular experience of panicking about it.
Only now, I'm not panicking. I'm fine. I'm a calm leader of my household, doing what I need to do. My husband's not here, but that's okay because I'm an adult and I can handle this come what may. I sit outside the closet and talk to my kids. I tweet. I listen for when the sirens end. My heart beats normally.
This may not seem remarkable, but I notice the change. I had always thought it was my reality to be overwhelmingly nervous about so many things. This was the way it was. I was wrong. After being diagnosed with postpartum OCD 9 years ago, I found out I'd had OCD all along. I've been treated ever since that time.
Does this mean I'm always perfectly calm, never a worry to be seen? Hell no! I can still get anxious. In times of stress I can find myself going back to my old ways. But I am changed. I'm not like I was. A tornado warning told me so.
This makes my heart smile for you….. What a journey! Thinking about you and sending you lots of continued peace.
I love this.
Me too. I feel the change too. It's possible! Who would have thought? 🙂
xo
First of all, congratulations. I understand where you're coming from and that it took a lot of hard work on your part to get where you are now. I'm still working through my anxiety, but making progress, and those days when I feel calm are what I work for. I posted about a similar moment recently…
http://learnedhappiness.tumblr.com/post/312351971…
I wonder how many women end up being diagnosed with a mental illness that they had all along after their treatment for PP-related mental health problems.
If not for my PPD/PPA, I wouldn't have ended up being diagnosed with and treated for GAD. What you said about thinking your anxiety was normal really resonated with me. It's only now, after my PPD/PPA treatment that I understand I had been struggling with mental illness for years. If *anything* good came from postpartum depression for me, it's that I needed to hit rock bottom before I would get help.
I'm rambling. Anyway, I just wanted to say I feel you. And I'm so happy for you.
you are an inspiration to many!!
I could have written this post word for word. Tornados were a big trigger for me too. It's so empowering to overcome the seemingly small things, isn't it? Let's become tornado chasers together, Katherine! (That was a joke.)
Four years ago when the storms came through here, our house was hit. I've been a ball of anxiety during every storm since then. This time? Joshua and I snuggled on the couch and played trains while the storm raged on outside. It. Was. Heaven.
It's kind of amazing, isn't it? To have that moment of clarity where you see what you're capable of being?