I haven't written much here about postpartum depression after miscarriage or other loss, probably because I just don't a lot of knowledge about that particular experience, but it is clearly an important topic to discuss. Women who suffer miscarriages, stillbirths or other perinatal losses are certainly at a high risk of experiencing postpartum depression as well as grief. I met a mother recently who, when she found out what I do every day, told me that her first child died in his first few months because he suffered from arare disorder that no one knew he had. She talked about the horrible, and completely understandable, depression she experienced and how she got through that time. There are no words …
Dr. Ruta Nonacs, in her book A Deeper Shade of Blue, devotes an entire chapter to this subject.
"Though emotional distress in pregnancy loss is normal, some women may develop more persistent or disabling psychological symptoms … Depression may also complicate the picture. One study found that during the six months following a miscarriage, about 10 percent of women showed signs of depression … Experiencing a stillbirth or neonatal death probably puts you at even higher risk for depression; one study indicated that a mother's risk for depression after stillbirth is about seven times higher than a woman who has a live birth."
Last month I heard from another mom whowanted to share her story of postpartum depression after miscarriage. In her email she wrote:
"PPD is so widely misunderstood and rarely talked about. I've heard even less about living through it after having a miscarriage. I'd love it if you'd talk about this issue on your blog."
Well, let's start today with a link to her story of depression after miscarriage. I welcome hearing from more of you on this topic. I hope other moms inthis situationwill be comforted by your words.
If you are interested in more information on this topic from Postpartum Progress, check out:
3 Ways to Support Women Who've Experience Pregnancy Loss
What Is the Difference Between Grief & Depression After Pregnancy Loss?
Thanks for posting that, Katherine. Like you said, this is a very important subject that is really not well understood and almost never talked about. I had a mom in my support group recently who had suffered two miscarriages before bringing a daughter home from the hospital. She was suffering from fairly severe postpartum OCD, and only then realized that she had already had it twice before. She thought those feelings were just what you felt when you had a miscarriage. My heart really broke for her, having to deal with both of those traumas at the same time, and one without even really knowing what one of them was. Paula's essay reminded me of a wonderful and true line from a Fiona Apple song, "Full is not heavy as empty, not nearly…"
Thanks for opening up the topic Katherine. I re-read the post of mine that you linked to and hope that people don't find it too depressing. This one is really tough to talk about but important so that families can feel free to speak openly about their loss and their depression.
Hi Katherine…thanks for sharing about this topic.
I am blessed to work in both the Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorder field and Perinatal Bereavement field. Women who experience loss can absolutely experience depression/anxiety but one must be very careful about finding proper support for this very unique group.
It can be confusing to sort out grief vs. depression as there are many commonalities. We must remember that grief is a very normal reaction to a very abnormal event (losing a baby) whereas depression/anxiety are disease states that need treatment. Grief in and of itself does not require treatment but instead support, education and understanding from appropriate parties.
Grief can get complicated (depression/anxiety can occur) and it can certainly excacerbate a pre-exisitng condition like depression, anxiety, Bipolar etc. Women who experience Perinatal Loss and have a history of any mental health issue should make sure their provider is aware of this history. Women should also be taught how to differentiate between grief and depression and when to seek help.
The typical PPD support group, which usually contains at least a mom or 2 who is experiencing regret/ambivalence about motherhood, is not the optimal place for bereaved moms to find support. We know these feelings are normal with PPD but imagine the impact of such words on a grieving mother.
Check out the Kate Care's website as it has a comprehensive list of resources to help grieving moms and families.
First of all, I am Paula's husband.
One of the toughest parts of dealing with the PPD after miscarriage was that there are some people who deal with and understand PPD and there are people who deal with and understand miscarriage, but there seem to be few people or resources to deal with the horrible combination of depression and grief that can come when you have both. To make it worse, some of the things that therapists worry about and try to stop in depression patients (like too much sleep) are normal ways of handling grief. There are a number of behaviors that have conflicting meanings or importance depending on if you view it as PPD, grief, or a combination of the two. It takes some real attention to treat them both.
Frankly, I place a lot of the blame for Paula being commited on a therapist who I don't think really understood half of what was going on and I think often did more damage than good (I sat in on the sessions, so I have heard most of what was said, but that is a different story).
Luckily when Paula was commited, we looked for new ways to get help and found a wonderful social worker (thanks Lori-Ann Shultz@Foothills Hospital) who really did understand and was able to provide a huge amount of help.
All I can say to couples going through it is:
1) it will get better. It really will. Someday you will find a new "normal". It won't be as care-free as it was, but it won't be as bad as it seems.
2) don't be afraid to seek help. And if at first, you don't succeed, don't be afraid to keep looking. I can not imagine where we would be now if we had not kept trying different things until we met Lori-Ann.
There is also a blog about our experiences losing Kye at Kye.thebentleys.ca.
This is Paula again. I just wanted to add a couple of things. Thanks to Sara Pollard for pointing out that miscarriage is an abnormal experience. So many people say that it's normal because it's so common. This completely trivializes the loss and the family's feelings about it. Some people (including a psychiatrist) have actually said to me, it(miscarriage) happens even with animals. It's completely normal and to be expected. You need to move on.
Thanks also to Sara for cautioning moms from attending PPD support groups after a loss. I can't imagine what that would be like!
Also, isn't my husband fab?
Thanks Katherine for getting this information out there two days in a row. It's much appreciated and needed!!
thank you so much for posting this! There are so many families suffering in silence, almost feeling as if they don't have a "right" to suffer from PPD, since they don't even have a child to hold.
I suffered PPD after all of my children. My 3rd child was stillborn at 20wks. It is strange to me that there aren't more resources for PPD after a loss.
There is an amazing network of women in blog land supporting one another through their losses. I highly suggest anyone who has had a loss or knows someone dealing with a loss check out Whispered Support http://whisperedsupport.blogspot.com/
I am one of the unlucky ones who has experienced both depression after a miscarriage and PPD after my second pregnancy. I ended up seeking professional therapy for both situations, but have found that the most help has been from that of my peers.
After miscarrying during my first pregnancy at 12 weeks, I was devastated. My innocence regarding pregnancy was gone forever. I couldn't even relate to other women who were able to first have a healthy child, and then have a miscarriage. The only people who could understand how I felt were women in my EXACT same situation, miscarriage during the first pregnancy. By some unknown power, I became a part of a group of women in this situation through an online message board, and we became each other's lifelines. It has now been over 3 years since we started our conversations, and we all check in with one another daily. Most of us have gone on to have successful pregnancies, but there are a few who we still are supporting through such a difficult time.
Of all of the women in my group, I was probably the one who was most affected by PPD. Almost all of us had some form of the baby blues, but there were a few who experienced a more difficult postpartum battle. While my group of friends was as helped as they could be, I found that I needed support from people who knew what it was truly like. Through my counselor, I was able to find a PSI support group that helped me through the bleakest of days.
Through all of this, I have learned the strength and power of women, and am overwhelmingly thankful for the friendships I have found through the women who have shared the same experiences.
Many people suffer from depression. Depression gnaws into the entire being, be it the physical aspect or the emotional one, It makes person lonely and discouraged. Depressed individual also suffer from pain or physical indicators. Many times even doctors fail to notice that. Some medications and therapy like cognitive behaviour based treatments might help. One should take doctors advice.
It is very hard to find support in a situation like this. I've suffered from postpartum depression with 2 out of 3 of my children. A year ago I lost my 4th pregnancy in the 1st trimester. When I went in for my 12 week appointment I always heard a heartbeat before and everything was great, so I didn't expect anything different that time. It goes without saying it was. That experience was so much harder than the PPD alone after having my sons. I've found many of the support groups for pregnancy and infant loss don't respond well to PPD. Most of the women I found were struggling with infertility and had no other children. I got the how dare you think that way, I have 3 kids I should be happy. I did end up hospitalized less than a month after that loss because of severe PPD symptoms. From there it took some time to get through that and still go through the grieving process from losing the baby. Thankfully I did have a good therapist that did the best she could with this situation, along with my wonderful friends that helped me through the PPD. As for online support for loss, I've found Silent Grief to be helpful to me.
Depression gnaws into the entire being, be it the physical aspect or the emotional one, It makes person lonely and discouraged. Depressed individual also suffer from pain or physical indicators. Many times even doctors fail to notice that. Some medications and therapy like cognitive behaviour based treatments might help.
I suffered a miscarriage 2 days ago and words cannot express my sorrow… I was about 12 weeks / 3 months along. I am 35 years old and my fiance is 38. This would have been our first child. For some reason I had been bleeding… could have been from a partial placental abruption, blood vessels simply rupturing, or simply due to implantion… whatever the reason, the baby was, of course, tiny but fully formed. I held him (it looked like it was a boy)… saw all facial features, hands, feet, toes, ribs, everything. He was beautiful. Although very sad, I am grateful to have had the opportunity to have watched him moving… waving his hands, kicking and tumbling on the ultrasound screen. I had been keeping a journal and wrote a couple of entries to him about how happy mommy and daddy were. For closure I made one last entry and buried my little one in a small box. I am personally a strong person… having suffered the loss of a few family members, including my sister… however, words cannot express my sorrow and sadness. I never expected to feel this way. My heart goes out to all of those who have suffered the loss of a baby.
I can relate, I lost my baby girl at 20 weeks, I delivered her and held her but wasn’t able to actually see her, she was wrapped in a blanket. I knew the condition she had and with it she could have looked different so to save my perfect image of her I asked the nurse to decide if I should see her but I did want to hold her. I am glad I did hold her and I still have my perfect image of her in my mind. My PPD has been very bad, I didn’t have it with my son so its a new experience. I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks before I had my healthy son. I seemed to bounce back after both of those but not this one, of course im 10 years older now so that could have something to do with it but I don’t care what stage its just plain hard and hearbreaking. I’m still having a tough time but I have taken some time off work after my dr advised me to do so and I am taking some medication that is helping. I feel better now than I did a week ago so I suppose its small steps and one day at a time. Prayers and hugs for you.
Oh Maleah. I’m so sorry for your loss. You are right that it’s hard and heartbreaking and it doesn’t matter how long it has been or what stage you are at. I’m glad you are talking about this with your doctor. Good for you for taking care of yourself.
Im so glad i've found this site. I was diagnosed with PPD yesterday after miscarrying 6 weeks ago. I thought that I was just supposed to feel like this, until I went back to my doctor and was told "most women who have had a miscarriage are over it now and back to work by 6 weeks" I wasnt aware that there was a timescale to be 'over it' I needless to say went to see another GP, who was much more sympathetic and assessed me for PPD.
Thank you so much for the information you've provided; I've learned from both you and from the comments. I am a doula; I have experience in supporting families in pregnancy and labor. I had a miscarriage–my baby was born April 19, 2011. I blogged about it in real time, and have decided to make a miscarriage-specific website. I just posted about being a month past the experience, and how the grieving process is impacted by the way the miscarriage process occured and was treated. You might find it interesting:
Thank you for checking it out, and again, for the info on this site. (:
I know that losing a child at any age weather the child is not born or has been here a while it is still hard to take i am Trying not replace a child with the one i loss i am having a hard time not feeling like it was my fault for the miscarriage. We told our family cause we never had any problems with my last child. so to tell everyone i lost the baby plus dealing with my own grief is hard enough,
I had pretty bad post partum depression after my very early miscarriage. It was an unplanned pregnancy and I hadn’t decided yet if I would have an abortion or not, yet when I miscarried, I felt tremendous grief, as well as relief for not having to go through with it or many any decision to have an abortion. I was (and still am) very sick with so many health problems, and my hormones were post-menopausal to begin with (I was 23) that when I got pregnant, I actually felt a lot better because my hormones were increasing rapidly due to the pregnancy. After I miscarried, and in addition to the emotional loss, I also felt extremely depressed from the incredible drop in hormones I was experiencing. It lasted for almost a year after. Maybe even longer. While depression after a miscarriage is very real from the loss of a pregnancy (planned, “wanted”, or not), the PHYSICAL/chemical post partum depression is very real, whether you had the baby or not, and whether you miscarried late or early in the pregnancy. I wish more people would talk about this.
My husband and I had three miscarriages in a years time before actually having our beautiful daughter. I have two other children and never experienced PPD. But I do with this one. I feel the miscarriages have a lot to do with that. Its rough having a new born baby and being depressed. My poor husband suffers the worst. I feel like he don’t want me or find me desirable that maybe he wants someone else and the feeling of just not being enough or good enough. Thank goodness I have a wonderful man. He’s so understanding and willing to work this out with me. It is hard but the relief is it will pass.
I am glad to hear I am not alone, and that I am not being crazy. I lost my pregnancy back in January. I was supposed to be 8 weeks pregnant but I had severe cramping and went to the ER and they told me that the “gestational sac” was outside my uterus and was 14 weeks. Nothing made sense to me. I have had 2 miscarriages when I was younger, then a healthy baby boy who is now 12. But I guess since I have found out I have PCOS and my husband and I have been wanting another child for so long, that this one hits me the hardest. I so desperately wanted this child. To make it more difficult of a process I had signed up for pregnancy newsletters and I canceled them when I lost the baby because it was too upsetting. One keeps coming though periodically and I got one yesterday saying congratulations your in your third trimester your baby will be here soon and I broke down. It took me several weeks to come to terms with what had happened and I have tried to move forward but the harsh reality that I was supposed to have a baby this summer and now that I won’t be is hitting really hard. My husband doesn’t understand and hasn’t really handled the situation well because he knew that with PCOS there was a possibility of losing the baby. My friends have tried to comfort me but they have never gone through such as loss and don’t know how to help. Everyone I guess assumes that since I have been through it before that I will be fine, but I just can’t escape the void I feel. I have been overly moody lately and couldn’t pinpoint a reason. I have kept track in the back of my mind in some weird way of when the baby would have came, knowing it won’t change the fact it would. I recently found out several of my old friends have recently had babies and one of my friends just found out she is pregnant. While I am happy for them, I can’t help feeling lost.
I just has a miscarriage today…I’m young (21) & didn’t even think I wanted kids until God blessed me with a growing baby inside of me. The only one in the world that could make me turn my life around back to God, not be just a crazy college student, and focus on more than just myself. My boyfriend and I grew up in the short time we knew about our little one. We fell in love with someone other than ourselves, together. To have that taken from me, from us, is probably the worst pain I’ve ever felt. I needed to see this. I need to know it’s okay to hurt like this. I need to know HOW to heal from this. Pray for me please.
My wife had a miscarriage on August 28th (our first miscarriage experience), and I can honestly say as a military veteran and former police officer (disabled while on duty) it was the most gut wrenching and sorrow filled day of my life. I am the strong one that always protects my family (we have 3 daughters ages 11, 8 & 6) from everything and takes care of my wife and kiddos against anything that can hurt them but nothing ever prepared me for the helplessness and utter lack of control I felt when my wife screamed for me to help her and I walked in and saw what was happening. She had been having cramps and spotting at about 5 and a half to 5 weeks in and I kept calling her OB/GYN to get a sooner appt. but they were booked solid and no other doctor could see her any sooner so we spent many a night at the ER where we were constantly told everything looked fine and to go home. As her symptoms got worse I got more frustrated with the hospital and her doctor, I know there was more than likely nothing they could have done at that point but I still feel that had her doctor double booked her based on her symptoms or squeezed her in between other patients maybe my son would have had the chance to be here with us now. To be honest, we were quite terrified when she suspected she was pregnant, a fourth child is crazy difficult to raise especially when all of them are still living at home and rely on us to take care of and nurture three of them majority of the time and a new baby requires 24/7 attention. However, we just embraced the news and decided we were going to welcome this new little one just like our three before, and we were both pretty sure it was going to be a boy so we were extra excited although we just wanted he/she to be healthy and happy. Then the 28th of August came, and there is no feeling like seeing your wife in so much pain, shock and so emotionally destroyed and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to make it go away or stop. I came into the room and after catching my breath and swallowing my own tears and choking down that lump in my throat I got my wife all cleaned up and cleaned up the room and got her into bed, I barely processed what had happened by the time she finally cried herself to sleep in my arms and I laid there the remainder of the night trying to figure out what I DID wrong. Of course I realize neither of us did anything wrong but at the time my rationale was that if I could find some kind of tangible excuse or reason behind it or even make it my fault, then my wife wouldn’t focus on what SHE might have done wrong or could have done differently; it may sound stupid now but I thought at the time even if she was mad at me at least she wouldn’t think horribly of herself or believe she was to blame. Since that day I have been trying to help her navigate her grief as best as possible and at what ever pace she needs to go while dealing with my own grief in the process and it has proven to be an extremely difficult task. If she knew how hard it is for me to choke it all down and help her she would feel awful and then she would be even more depressed and distant because she herself has said she doesn’t know what she would do if I wasn’t there for her and I’m afraid of what would happen if I was lost in grief myself, I’m afraid of what might happen and worry about my children’s quality of life while we are going through this loss. I will say this though: sexually, I am fine I mean I am ready to get back in the swing of things like normal before the miscarriage but completely understand how it must feel as a woman going through the same loss just felt in a completely different way and she knows that I am ready as soon as she feels okay to be intimate and I haven’t nagged or egged on about sex or intimacy since it happened, I just let her know I still love and am in love with her, find her sexy, attractive and a wonderful wife and mother and that nothing was her fault. I am far from perfect and still have, dare I say it, “man needs and desires” but a man can still feel that way and still be a loving provider and emotional “rock” for his wife, even if he himself can’t or doesn’t understand what his wife or partner is going through personally. That being said, I think a large majority of men simply cannot process emotions or feelings at the same level or capacity of their spouse or partner and I think a lot of women cannot grasp how some men process complex emotions like the loss of a child. I know, I’m a man and the first emotion that came to me was anger, because my wife was in pain and it was an enemy I could do nothing to stop or protect her from it and it killed me that I couldn’t make it go away and it still angers and upsets me that I can’t do anything against this intangible force that is threatening to unravel her sanity and emotionally wreck the woman I’ve loved and been in love with since I met her 15 years ago. So as far as your husband/boyfriend is concerned, I can almost promise you the issues he is having with this loss has more to do with how powerless he feels rather than his actually feelings towards you or your pregnancy and loss of your child and you have to both lean on each other instead of expecting your partner to carry all your weight; God bless them if they try too but you both need each other regardless of what gender roles or society has pounded into us how it should be, but you must recognize that there may still come a point where you have to just focus on yourself and your own grief and coping with it before you get dragged under a current so strong that you lose yourself instead of your husband or partner. Just my opinion about our struggle to cope and recover from OUR loss, and I know everyone’s situation is different and varied but I wish you all the best in this world and hope each and everyone of us finds the peace we need and deserve. God Bless.
Thank-you for posting this blog. I suffered ppd after both my eldest two children were born. And when i gave birth to my angel baby last year i thought it was just overwhelming grief that just lingered. I had family members tell me that i had to ‘suck it up’, that i was over reacting. I felt so lost and empty. So hollow and broken. There are very few words that can describe the million emotions that burn through your veins at any given moment. It wasn’t until i read this post last year after being referred to it by a close friend that i recognized a time that had repeated itself before. I was shocked that i could get ppd after a miscarriage when i didn’t even have a beautiful baby to hold and get me through it. It was so bad iwanted to end my life, my marriage and everything i knew to start over again. My older two almost made it harder. .. would he have looked like the older one or the younger? Would he have had blue eyes or green? So many what if’s! !!!
Somehow i woke up one day and put one for in front of the other. .. i kept going and with the love and support of both a loving and amazing husband and my two precious daughters i kept waking up each day. I kept going and found a light at the end of that tunnel. Don’t get me wrong. . It wasn’t all rainbows and unicorn farts… it was tears, gut wrenching agony, crying in the shower because i didn’t want my daughters knowing i was cracking; standing in a room full of people yet feeling so utterly alone, unwanted and useless. It was putting a smile on the outside yet fading away on the inside. I had my faith which helped but felt that it was harder because i wanted to blame someone – anyone! I held my faith and it helped. I slowly learned that i wasn’t alone. . That i had help and support, even though i couldn’t see past this darkness. I still have days where i hate myself, where i blame myself, where i wonder what if. .. but they are more bittersweet than completely painful like they were. It’s pages like this that helped me through at 0200hrs when noone else was awake to help. And i want ALL mums our there to know that no matter what… you are NEVER alone. You ARE loved and you CAN make it through. ????
Thanks for sharing I too had a miscarriage an for the longest I felt like something was wrong with me or something it’s not to many people that understand or probably would just make me feel like I’m just looking for attention so I just don’t talk about it or try to act as if it doesn’t bother me but that didn’t help because It only made it worse then I attempted suicide. Its like if people knew what we go through or even if they we’re more educated on it then it would be more support systems for women that lost a child in any way a loss is a loss it hurts the same
Hi! I lost my baby about 4 months ago. She was born premature at 6mos. Lived for just 22 days at neonatal. I tried everything to keep me bc and happy. I thought i had it handled well. But i noticed that i tend to be sensitive and feel there’s a rage in me waiting to happen. Im not like this before. Sometimes i am surprised of my own feelings or reaction. That is why i got here to find answers.
I have recently had a miscarriage i was five weeks. I dont know what is wrong with me, when my other 2 girls go to bed my mind goes straight back to the loss amd throughout my day i think of everything that happened its like torture. I also wake up out my sleep with bad dreams of having the baby fall out of me. I cant sleep at night, it seems as if my partner doesmt care but je just brushes it off if i try to talk to him about it. I went for a walk today with my 7 year old and 1 year old and almost had a panic attack from the cars being around us i felt like they would hit my babies and kill then and im just scared they will get hurt or something. I have no one to talk to about how im feeling and i don’t know what to do at times i feel i am losing my mind. I had to have surgery. They couldn’t find my bany but they foumd something in my ovary they thought was the baby, it was a cyst. When i was finally released from the hospital i got home and the next day i was about to sho2 and stepping in the shower and turned around and i saw my baby laying on the side of the tub and i cant get it out of my head. I feel grateful that i got to share how i felt somewhat with this post.
I’m so sorry this happened to you Charlene. You’ve been through such a difficult experience. Have you talked to your doctor at all about what you are going through?
I experienced my second miscarriage a week before thanksgiving this year. I already suffered from ppd from previous situations in my life. At 11weeks they no longer could find the heartbeat. We proceeded with the d&c after 4 days of labor. I passed blood clots the size of golf balls, yet everything was still intact. Although my medical family has been very supportive through out my journey, there are still times I feel immobilized. There’s always reminders that interfere with your everyday functions. The medicines I’ve been prescribed I feel trap me. They stop they intensity of the sadness from being as strong as it could be, but it also prevents you from learning how to cope without them. I know time will heal me emotionally, as it will for everyone. But I also agree, there should be more available to people who experience these things.
I lost my first and only daughter at this point to hydrops about 2 months ago leading to early labor that ended up being a stillbirth. I have been diagnosed with PPD for about a week now when I finally put it together that something was wrong and that I wasn’t expereincing normal grief. I think it’s making it harder for me to grieve and heal emotionally, not to mention physically. The insomnia I’ve been experiencing is possibly the worst part, causing a sort of vicious cycle with my mental health. I see myself normally as someone very energetic, happy, and driven, but now I feel completely unmotivated to do anything. I’m just so tired and feel so dull. I’m seeking therapy and am trying out my first antidepressant to try to correct my system. It’s just so hard to not have my baby and to have my hormonal balance to battle with. I just want my baby.
How are you doing now?