I cried tears of relief when Andrea Yates was found not guilty by reason of insanity in the drowning deaths of her five children. As someone who has experienced mental illness, I felt gratitude for the jurors, who were able to recognize that she was clearly very sick when this tragedy occurred.
My satisfaction was quickly tempered by sadness, however, as I continued to follow coverage of the verdict. On one live cable news program, the hosts and audience shook their heads in disgusted disbelief as the verdict was announced.The featured pundit expressed anger that the insanity defense even exists.A quick review of blog commentary and the vitriol grew – many wish Yates had received the death penalty and would be happy to serve as executioner.One of the milder writers complained that Yates “had plenty of time to snap out of it.”
This made me physically shake. How could they be so smug?How dare the audience sit there looking as if they know everything, convinced that there obviously has been some huge mistake? How dare those bloggers sit in judgment of something they most likely knew nothing about?
I think it is because they believe that things they can’t imagine must not exist.They can’t imagine not being in control of their actions.They can’t imagine that the thinker might not be thinking the thoughts.It’s just not possible.
Unfortunately, I can imagine not being in control of my thoughts, as can many of you. We know it is possible, and it does happen.Nearly five years ago, when my first child was born, I suffered from postpartum obsessive compulsive disorder. I remember the exact moment the illness reared its ugly head.While burping my infant son one night, I suddenly had the thought “What if I smother him with the burp cloth?” There are no words to describe my terror and confusion at that moment.Can you imagine having a thought come into your mind as clear as a bell that is in your voice but isn’t yours? Most people can’t.
More thoughts followed over the coming weeks: “What if I drop him down the stairs?” “What if I drown him in the bathtub?” These thoughts were joined by the inability to eat or sleep, constant crying and the belief that I was not capable of being a mother.
I had never suffered from mental illness in my life prior to that time.I was a competent, educated and successful young woman.These things just didn’t happen to people like me.Wrong.The truth is everyone has the same capacity to experience what I did, or worse, what Andrea Yates did.You can sit there and shake your head, completely assured there’s not a chance in hell, but you do.
I was treated and recovered and am now the happy mother of two wonderful children.But my heart continues to break every time I see the suspicion of and ignorance about women with postpartum mood disorders.Many assume we are simply weak, defective or selfish.How can so many Americans show such a lack of compassion for the mentally ill?
Pete Earley, former Washington Post reporter and author of the fabulous book on mental illness called “Crazy”, helps me make some sense of it.In his book, he writes, “We lock up the mentally ill because they terrify us.We are afraid of them and even more frightened of what they symbolize.We want to believe they did something to cause their insanity … The federal government says mental illness is a chemical imbalance and not something … that anyone seeks or wants or deserves to get any more than he seeks, wants, or deserves to get a cold.But deep down, we really don’t want to believe that’s true.Because if we did, we would have to admit:It could happen to us.It could happen to me … And that is such a frightening thought that we quietly search for explanations to prove that the mentally ill really aren’t like us and they somehow deserve the torment they suffer.”
People would like to believe Yates was a devil rather than a normal person stricken with a terrible illness.They forget that all of this could have been avoided if society demanded better care of the mentally ill.Women need to be clearly educated during pregnancy about postpartum mood disorders.They need to be screened for symptoms after birth.We need trained doctors to treat them properly.We need to demand they not be released from the hospital if they’re a danger to themselves or others, regardless of stingy insurance companies.We must stop assuming they can just snap out of it.We owe it to the souls of those lost children.
Bravo, Katherine! Your posting on the reaction to Andrea Yates' verdict is a masterpiece. May I have your permission to share it with others?
And if anyone has any thoughts on how to band together to make an impact on the news media, please let me know. I have a "teaching tape" that is my daughter, Ruth's, story that ended with her needless death. I'm willing to provide a copy of the tape to the media. It is very powerful and points out the devastation that can result from untreated or poorly treated PPD/PPP. I am open to suggestions on how to most effectively use it.
My heart-felt gratitude goes to all of you who have suffered so severely from perinatal mood disorders and are so willing to share your stories in order to prevent anyone else from walking that same, devastating road.
God loves you all, and so do I.
Helena Bradford
Amen sister! I could not have said it better myself.
I cannot watch the news programs now because of the insensitivity to PPD/PPP. I too remember the first time I had a thought to harm my son and would not wish it on my worst enemy but I have been wishing that the news reporters could have just one moment of what Andrea/we went though.
Virginia
Your words are exactly what I was thinking the other day, as I sat and watched a news poll on whether or not Andrea was really insane? 73 percent thought Andrea was faking it and should be put to death! As a survivor of PPD this made me so angry, there are still to many people out there who have no idea how this disease can take a normal person and turn them into someone they don't even recognize in the mirror! The thoughts that popped into my mind when I was deep into the depression even scared me? This whole issue is sad, and I wish there was more that could be done to educate mothers, the general public, and the media of how serious PPD really is!
The only way to educated the public is to keep speaking out. I tell everyone I know, without hesitation, that I am a recovering PPD mother. I say recovering, even though it has been 3 1/2 years, because this illness affected me so severely, it changed my life forever. I feel that I will always be recovering from the hell I went through.
I commend you on your website and your ability to put into words what many of us have gone through, but are unable to verbalize.
Helina Bradford, along with hundreds of other friends and family, was there when I went through the anxiety attacks, the suicidal thoughts and the thoughts of killing my baby. They all knew it was not the real me…a talented, outgoing, creative and career oriented person who was never afraid of a challange. All of a sudden I became a helpless individual, stuck inside a cruel cycle of repetative thoughts in which I had no control.
My friend, Betty Momier, recently passed away, but seemed to understand. A month after my baby was born she came over to my house and said "can't you just see the joy in this precious little one?" My response just broke her heart. I told her that I felt nothing toward that "thing" and wished I had never had it. Later she told me that was the day she knew I was "REALLY SICK."
What happened to Andrea Yates could have easily happened to me, you or any other women of child bearing age. We have to keep telling our stories to everyone we know! We have to keep speaking to groups of women and get the word out! Eventually, it will work. The ignorance will stop!
Yes, I too shed a tear of relief when Andrea Yates was found innocent. Indeed, people like Nancy Grace, on Headline News, lack ANY kind of compassion and feed off of public anger…it is good for ratings.
People like myself and the rest of you women, who HAVE walked a mile in Yates's shoes, know how real her illness was. In true fashion of our double-standard society, where is the blame for the husband amongst the rage? Yates had experienced PPD TWICE before her 5th child. She was homeschooling all of her kids. Where was the support and understanding? She was under doctor's care during the drownings. Where is the demands, for accountability, for the doctor?
Much light and love to all you women who have survived or are still working through your PPD.
Wendy Hermes.
I wish I had your way with words, but am so glad you have it. I said "YES!! YES!! YES!!" all the way through reading your article.
And thank you so much for the last paragraph, taking some responsibility off the individual, individual family and spreading it upwards to society and education and medical professionals and women's health care. Now that there's a name and an awareness about postpartum mood disorders, it's time for society to demand, as you said, the support so no more mothers, children, families go through similar experiences.