I’ve been depressed on and off for a good portion of my life. Talking to my doctor, I’d say it started right around the time I was 15 years old. Things weren’t going well at home, puberty was raging full-force, and I didn’t really have anyone I could talk to; I felt really paranoid that if I told anyone anything bad, they’d tell my parents. Those times were particularly dark not only because I had no idea why I felt so hopeless and inadequate, but also because I had no one to tell me that what I was experiencing wasn’t my fault; I had virtually no support.
I can’t even imagine how different my life would have been if I’d had a support network, like the one I’ve found in the online community. Would I have nearly flunked out of my freshman year of high school? Would I have been sent away from home to live with near-strangers during the most formative years of my adolescence? There’s no way of knowing for sure, but I’d like to think my life might have been very different.
I am lucky. I know this. I survived depression, postpartum depression, and antenatal depression. I have a loving spouse and two beautiful children. But all this doesn’t stop me from wondering if I might have made better choices and lived a better life if those around me had had any inkling of what was going on in my head during my depressive episodes.
Trying to give assistance to someone with postpartum depression is very difficult; the PPD sufferer herself rarely knows what she needs, so is often at a loss for words to describe how she might best be helped. But in my own experience with PPD, as well as in my experiences living with people with depression, there are ways to make life easier for a person with a mood disorder. These tips are not universally applicable, of course, since PPD is different for every person, but putting them into practice is almost certain to make the relationship with a PPD mom better.
4 Tips for Supporting a Mom with Postpartum Depression
Use care when criticizing.
No relationship is perfect, and there are bound to be issues that need to be resolved between couples. Ignoring these problems is a recipe for disaster, but at the same time, talking to a person with PPD about their shortcomings can be exceedingly frustrating. When I am in the midst of a depressive episode, even the slightest indication that my husband is unhappy with me can send me into a tailspin of self-doubt and guilt. He has learned that in order to get through to me, the best way to talk is by using “I” terms, rather than “you” terms. For example, instead of saying “You never listen to me,” he’ll try to say something like, “I get frustrated when I feel as though I’m not being heard.” This way, I’m less likely to get defensive and put up walls between us.
Talking was one of my best treatments when my PPD was at its worst. Even when I didn’t want to talk, as soon as I got going I couldn’t stop myself. And even when I said hurtful things and accused my husband of being a jerk and not doing his part (which wasn’t true), he almost always managed to hold his tongue and let me say what I needed to say. Usually, I would realize how wrong I was, and would apologize on my own accord. In the meantime, I would have gotten out a lot of the negative feelings that had been poisoning my mind, and I’d be able to move on from there. His being there to listen, rather than telling me I was wrong or trying to fix my problems, was the best thing he could have done for me.
Give her space.
Sometimes, I just needed to be alone. No noise, no distractions, no responsibilities. Often, the pressures of motherhood combined with the symptoms of postpartum depression made me feel as though I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to run away, but knew I couldn’t. So when my husband would sense that I needed a break, having him tell me I could just leave the house for a few hours and go anywhere I wanted gave me permission to get away, guilt-free. I didn’t have to ask for the help, so I didn’t feel like I was a bad mother or a burden to my husband.
Remember, it’s a 24-hour job.
Offering emotional support to a woman (or man) with PPD is a round-the-clock endeavor. Often, I find myself awake at three in the morning, certain I will never be happy. It’s not abnormal for me to be on Twitter in the wee hours, allowing my online friends to talk me off the ledge. At those times, I am so thankful for technology and the blessing it’s been in my life. However, I know that even if I didn’t have my computer, I’d have my husband. I could wake him up at any hour, and he’d be there to help me in any way he could.
Supporting a PPD sufferer is not a task for the faint at heart. It can be tiring, frustrating, and messy. But it is a valuable service, and I know for a fact that I will always remember and be grateful for those who have spoken a kind word, offered a helping hand, or even just smiled at me on days when I could barely put one foot in front of the other. And if you are suffering right now, and feeling guilty for being a burden to your family: Don’t. You are sick for the moment, and you need help. Your family loves you and wants to be there for you, more than anything. You deserve that lifeline, so grab it and hold on tight.
What are some methods of PPD support you’ve found helpful in your life?
This is very important for friends and family to remember.Thanks for the reminder.
thanks alexis for this, i'll be sending this one around to a few people i feel could use it to support their loved one.
I'm sorry that you're suffering from this kind of case of depression. In fact, my wife has PPD too. She often have mood swings everyday, at uncertain hours. I absolutely try my best to be very understanding, and be supportive to her needs.
There was a time when she woke me up at past 3am just to ask if I'm being faithful to her. Of course, I knew that it's just part of her illness to feel less confident. She said that she wanted me to give her everything that she needs. I actually feel bad about it because I love her and I don't want to see her down. So I do talk to her every chance I get, 'coz I know deep inside that it's a good and sincere way of treating depression naturally.
I really dont know what to do. Our baby just turned a month old. About the second trimester my wife started talking about how we wouldnt work, how much she missed being single and partying. My mom was with us for about a week. Mom says she left because she saw my wife sinking into depression and thought it best to ” let her really be a mom” (WTH?) Anyway..the doc prescribed meds but it has steadily gotten worse. She begged me to quit my job because she was scared something bad might happen. She has said some really bad thing about thoughts she had about the baby. Everyday there is talk about leaving. Running away, what crap men are, and way worse. Sunday she snapped on me in front of her mom in public for looking at Facebook. It got ugly. I took it best I could. But I did stand up for myself. She threatened to take the baby away. She is on some new meds and the doc reccomended therapy. I hope she genuinely follows through. I am taking care of my kid. And its awesome having him for me. But I am genuinely scared to leave the house, for fear she might leave, she might leave and take the baby. Or maybe snap and hurt the baby. My question is at what point do I say enough if it doesnt start getting better? And what are my options? I quit my job and we have been living off my savings. Are there legal services that would help me? Should I call the cops if I fear for the baby and have her removed? I love her. I really do. But I wont let my son be hurt. I just want my wife back. I miss her so much. She was so sweet and kind and amazing. Can she get back? I have talked with her family so the know whats going on. But I dont know what to do.
I am suffering from ppd as well but I’m trying the natural approach,
By the sound of it she does need therapy, you can not put a time limit on healing time. If you left with the baby it will make her worse and your son will blame you for it!
But honestly by the sounds of it you have already made up your mind. In order to help cure her from this is to take a load off her, Alexis is 100% bang on. Don’t wait for her to ask. Offer with a smile on
I hope I’m not too late in seeing your post.
Ask her if she will like to go back to work and you can be the stay at home parent for awhile.
its a tough one because you cant help people who wont help themselves i think maybe just showing her how much you love her and how dedicated you are to the family maybe making her dinner,shutting down the social media, and eliminating the stresses she has on her back right now will help her heal i dont know if going back to work for her right now would help because thats alot of stress being the only provider and she might feel like your trying to be lazy and use her its a fine line of when to stop helping but ill tell you what from personal expieriance do not say anything you will regret because people that are depressed are blindsided they care for no one but themselves and are consumed by the pain and if you hurt them more they might just fly over the edge.
My daughter needs help she had a baby almost two months ago and is suffering with postpartum. I thought maybe communicating with others who have gone through what she has may help her
Here is a link to our private forum. Your daughter would find a lot of support and encouragement with the other moms there – https://www.smartpatients.com/partners/postpartumprogress
I hope she is receiving some help as well. PPD is entirely treatable, but it does take time and help. Peace to you and yours.
Would be nice to be able to shate to facebook but the banner down the right side of article covers the share button! 🙁 could use right NOW too
Thank you for letting us know, Dan. We will work on fixing this problem.
Hi. I’m so glad that I found this post. It was the first one that came up when I searched “how to support a friend with postpartum depression.” I saw that there is a link to an online forum, and I think it may be a good place for my best friend to find additional support. However, I am afraid to share the link with her. I truly cannot say that I understand what she is going through, but I want her to feel supported by me. I feel like once she returned to work a little over a week ago something was different. Her child is 2 months old, and she told me yesterday that she was diagnosed with postpartum depression. I want to be there for her. I just don’t know how.
Hello Stephanie, thank you for being the kind of friend who reaches out like this. I think if your friend has been open enough with you to share that she was diagnosed, she will most likely take it as a kind gesture that you share the link with her to the forum. You can simply let her know that you don’t want to push her but that you love her and want to help in any way that you can. I hope this goes smoothly for you. You’re a good friend.
I need help. I am a mum to a daughter who has post partum depression as well as having other depression issues mental health issues which can lead to very frightening behaviors. Her husband ( of four mos,) has difficulty seeing beyond his inate coping mechanisms.
My problem is i am a “fixer” as my mum was with me. Also an enabler. Just this year, i have, out of necessity, began to lessen the enabling and initiate tough love. (up till now i have done what i “know” rescuing which was modelled by my mum to me and her mum to her)
We live 6 hours away from eachother which makes it very difficult. There are many many dynamics to this situation and triggers to her feelings of hoplessness and self doubt. Which, out of respect for my daughter, i will not go into.
My “fix it” cycle is reeling out of control yet i have a wanderful husband and friend who helps me re-ground. At this point in time, i feel all i can do is “pray, be there, actively listen” keep my opinions to myself unless beneficial to her and “BE” her mum
You’re right, letting go of the fixing is so hard. But it’s true that you can’t control it all, and you can only be supportive and as helpful as possible from afar. If she is getting professional help, try to trust that help while you keep yourself healthy enough to cope, keep encouraging and to sustain the emotional energy it takes to love well.
You are loving her, and that is what she needs most. Her husband may need his own help via therapy, to help him cope in more healthy ways, but all you can do is gently suggest the professional help and keep praying. Unless she is a danger to herself or others of course, then she needs to be taken to the ER for an assessment. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Peace to you and yours.
Thanks for sharing these great ideas. I am a therapist treating postpartum anxiety and depression and can say that any and all support for new moms is so helpful. It can be so hard for women to ask for the help they need.