Dear Madden,
God knew I needed you. I wasn’t as sure, only because I was so scared about going to the dark place again.
I often write about your brother on these pages. It’s not because I love you any less, but because he was the one who went through postpartum OCD with me. It makes me feel good to write about how great my relationship is with him, and how well he’s doing, when I thought for a while that I had most certainly ruined his life. He reminds me that, with help, we can all triumph over the despair of postpartum depression and anxiety.
But you? You remind me of something special, too. Your birth and my experience parenting you as an infant taught me that I really could do it. I could take care of my baby and love my baby and even … wait for it … enjoy my baby. I took charge of making sure I was cared for and being treated, and when you were born, I had the fortune to experience what it should feel like to be a new mother, without all the crying and fear and rage and insomnia and sickness. It was lovely.
I wanted to have you, yet was so afraid of what would happen when I had you. But then there you were and what a joy. I can’t imagine what life would be like without you. What I would have missed out on if postpartum depression had had its way.
I feel so fortunate to be the mother of you and your brother, so unique and special, each teaching me in your own way about love. Each of you is a Valentine that the universe sends me every day.
As you always say, I love you 13 times and 13 times and 13 times and 13 times and 13 times and back. You are my preshy. Thank you for all the important gifts you’ve given me. Thank you for showing me that there’s no guarantee that one awful experience will beget another. Thank God you are here.
Love always,
Mama
thank you for writing about her, she is beautiful, and your words are so honest and sweet for her 🙂
I love this. I really have no other words than that. I totally love this.
I'm in tears, this is beautiful. I hope to someday be able to say the same thing to my future second born.
Love this. Thanks for the hope.
And I have to say, she's so freakin' adorable!
This is so beautiful.
I am still in the place where I am terrified of having another child. Your experiences remind me again and again that with proper treatment and care it can be done without so much pain and darkness.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Love you and Maddie girl too!
Thanks for sharing – gives me hope as I soon will be attempting baby #2 after horrible battle with PPD/PPA with my first.
Plus, enduring it all is worth it to have our precious little angels!
what a beautiful reminder that we can ALL have hope to experience an entirely different journey the 2nd time around!
Thanks everybody! I was looking at her this weekend and I realized that I needed to write about her and how she taught me that I had the capability all along to be a good mom, but my PPOCD had clouded that. Madden is just so awesome.
This is so beautiful. She's a special girl who has a wonderful Momma that loves her so much. You better write this out and tuck it away for her 😉
I'm happy you had such a wonderful experience with your second child but others should know that it doesn't always happen this way – even if you think you are prepared, have support, and start meds the day you deliver. It isn't always better the next time and that is even more upsetting because you "know" it should be.
You are right. It isn't always better next time. I was fortunate. I guess what I meant to say was that in the end, no matter what, you love your child and they love you. You get better. Whether you have PPD or a related illness once or twice or three times you can get better. And you are able to love. And in my experience I am grateful that the second time I was able to experience that love much earlier than the first time.
Wiping tears from my eyes!
I hope and pray that second time round for me will be like this too!
I don't know how I missed this post. It's beautiful! And gives me big-time hope for my "next time." I'm wondering … would you be willing to share details of what exactly you did to prepare? What helped make the second time better? I know that no two things will work for the same person, but I'm trying to get my ducks in a row, and I'd appreciate any inside information about kicking PPD's butt. 🙂
Very emotional… Very touchy… Very honest…