I’m always happy when I see a post from Warrior Mom Robin Farr, of Farewell Stranger, in my inbox. Today Robin writes about having another child after postpartum depression, and waiting for the other shoe to drop.Â
My second child – my baby after postpartum depression – is now five months old. And it’s been about 4½ months since someone asked me that tentative how-are-you question.
Shortly after Ethan was born, I got that question quite a few times. “How are you?” But it wasn’t just a casual question. It was a question with a head tilt: “How ARE you?”
What they were really asking was, “Are you depressed?” “Are you going to have PPD again?” And while the questions were asked with genuine concern, I sort of had the feeling that they were really hoping the answers were “good” and “no” and that they wouldn’t have known what to say if I had told them I was not okay.
But the thing is, for me, postpartum depression didn’t happen after two weeks with my first. It didn’t even happen after two months. I’m not even really sure when it started, but I think it was probably around the five-month mark. Right where I am now.
I’m feeling good now. Really good actually. I could write a whole post about how this time is different and I finally feel like a mom and not just a sort-of-mom who might just be taking care of someone else’s kid. I know what it’s like to have a baby and feel overwhelmed with love, instead of overwhelmed with love and just about everything else too.
When I got that how-are-you question early on this time around I always wanted to say, “But you don’t get it. I’m probably going to be fine for a while. This isn’t when I struggled.” But it felt as though saying that would be like saying that in a few months I’m not going to be okay. And I really didn’t want to spend the next few months having everyone watch me as though I were a kid who had been exposed to chicken pox and they were waiting to see if I was going to break out. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, as it were.
So now here I am a few months later. Some of the same things are challenging – Ethan is up three times a night still. If I feed him he goes back to sleep, but so did Connor. And eventually Connor was just up and it didn’t matter if we fed him or rocked him or whatever. He just wasn’t a good sleeper. He didn’t sleep through the night until he was four, and I went insane from lack of sleep long before that.
But this time I’m getting more sleep in the mornings, thanks to my awesome husband. And Ethan is a different kid altogether. He’s mellow where Connor was fussy. He’s quiet where Connor was a screamer. He will actually go to sleep when I put him in his crib (at least most of the time).
I’m trusting that this time around will be okay and that if the same challenges come my way I will know what to do. So people can ask if I’m okay without feeling like it’s going to prompt that other shoe to drop. So far, I think PPD will be a one-shoe kind of experience for me.
Very happy for you Robin. Better sleep makes a big difference! And being aware of the signs. You’ve totally got this. And if things do start to change you’ve got a whole army who’s got your back. xo
Better sleep makes a HUGE difference! Thanks, Cristi! xx
Thank you for your honesty. I agree with you. PPD seems to be a mystery to most of the public since it doesn’t follow a standard set of rules. This causes emotionally-struggling new mothers to feel ashamed or as if they have failed.
I think this type of transparency will go a long way in helping all of us become more supportive of the new mothers in our lives.
That’s so true, Kerry, and one of the reasons I wanted to share this story. It’s not just a matter of asking if someone is okay and thinking everything is fine if her answer is yes.
I sincerely hope that you’re right, Robin! Sleep is key, and knowing what to look for will help as well. The second time I was hit with PPD, I was watching for it – I also used the phrase ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’. And drop it did, at 8 months postpartum. But because I knew that weaning would be an issue, I knew what to look for. It still sucked, but it was different. Hopefully that shoe never drops for you 🙂
Thankyou for sharing. I’ve recently also had my second child after long battle with PND to the point of Psychosis. This time around things are different but I can totally understand where you are coming from I wasn’t treated until my first bub was 9 months.
This time round though I feel a lot more at peace, know my limits & when to ask for help.
I’m the same, Lucinda. I didn’t get treated until my first was 18 months old and it was so much harder because of that. But now I know what to look for, and it does make me feel much less anxious.
Thanks, Robin! I hope it doesn’t either. I really think getting more sleep will help this time – I started to see some of the same issues until I called on my husband for help. Fingers crossed!
Great post! I can relate entirely. You want people to be supportive and so asking if you’re ok is a good thing. But it made me nervous and panicky that I wouldn’t be ok. And even though I always answered that I was alright, because I was, I also wanted to say, but that doesn’t mean I’m in the clear. That doesn’t mean I won’t still get it again and you have no idea how hard it is to fight it off everyday, because I feel like maybe it wants me again. But it never did come. Not like the first time. So the other shoe doesn’t always have to drop. Hang it there!
Exactly! That’s exactly it, Anne.
I know that feeling all too well. Thank you for your honesty. I’m so glad it hasn’t reared it’s ugly head yet.
Thanks, Esther. I’m glad too!
I enjoyed this. I hope it gives women hope that if you had PPD with your first child, doesn’t mean you will have it again or to the extent you had it before. I had severe PPD with my first daugther, My 2nd daughter is now 9months old and I have loved every minute and want a 3rd! I’ve had just a few minor down days, but not even in the same stratosphere as with my first. I had a great team of doctors and a counselor that were all watching me very closely after my 2nd and helping keep my antidepressant at a therapeutic level and it’s been great! Motherhood is awesome. I now know what it was supposed to feel like!
That’s exactly how I feel, Brooke! I love it this time around and am so grateful to have this experience.
Thanks for sharing your story. It is so important to educate people that postpartum doesn’t always come right away after birth, for my sister it always came around the 4-5 month mark as well and I wish more people knew that its important to support moms the entire first year, not just the first few months. You are a warrior mom and amazing! Thanks again for sharing!
Thank you for this post. THIS is my fear! I think I developed a mild case of ppd (didn’t have a Dr) after my previous baby (she’s now three), but it didn’t show up till after she was 6months old. I now have a three week old, and I am wondering if ‘the other shoe is going to drop.’ I am enjoying my little guy immensely, but I am afraid of feeling like I did after my daughter…
THank you for sharing this. I’ve been afraid to have another baby but hearing even the hope that it might go better tips the scales for me. Now that my 1st is 3.5, and I know that PPD isn’t forever, I’m almost ready to try again.
Thanks for sharing that it is okay to be scared about PPD returning but also hopeful that it won’t. Nothing is guaranteed, right? I am 6 months pregnant after almost 1.5 years of being healthy. I’ve wondered if I should be more worried, but also feel at a totally different place in my life, more aware of what I need and how to ask for it. Anyways, I pray that you still feel as good as you did when you wrote this last month!