My son was born 15 years ago today. My first child, the one with whom I had postpartum anxiety/OCD, the experience that eventually led me to start Postpartum Progress. I find it kind of magical that his birthday is occurring during National Suicide Prevention Week. I remember having suicidal thoughts when I was struggling with maternal mental illness after his birth.
To be clear, I didn’t want to die. It’s not that I didn’t want to be alive. Or to be my kid’s mom. I was just so scared. So terrified I might hurt him. I was worried I might ruin his life. That I was a terrible, horrible, no good very bad mom. And I was in so much pain. This super dark place that I was convinced I’d never be able to leave again – I’d be locked in there forever.
It’s very easy to become convinced — or at least toy with the idea — that the only way out is to stop existing. I’m sure this is beyond hard to understand for people who have never been in the dark place. It’s not logical. Yes, we are fortunate. We may have very wonderful and loving people around us. Yes, there is help. No, we’re not alone. It’s just that when you are in a pain that you can’t see living with for another second you can come to believe that leaving this earth is the answer.
It isn’t.
I know this. I’m so grateful I got to hug and kiss my boy this morning on his birthday and tell him how proud I am to have become his mama 15 years ago. It turns out I’m actually a pretty good mom. I did leave that dark place thanks to the help of others. Even though my career as a mother had a really crappy start, it has rocketed upward ever since. I have experienced so much joy. Parenting is still hard, of course. I’m not perfect and neither is life. There have been moments of pain. Frustration. Self-doubt. But the moments of joy have outweighed all of it.
It’s very special to me that Jack knows he’s the baby in the Warrior Mom logo and he’s proud of it. PROUD, y’all. He’s not ashamed that I had postpartum anxiety/OCD. He doesn’t question whether I loved him as a baby. He KNOWS I did and he knows what I had was a very common illness and that it wasn’t his fault or mine.
He loves me and I love him, and that’s the biggest “F— YOU” to postpartum depression that I know of. We win, PPD. We. Win.
I want you to know that if you are a pregnant or new mom struggling mightily right now and you have had suicidal thoughts, you aren’t alone. The Warrior Moms of Postpartum Progress are here with you, and many of us have had the same exact thoughts. We’ve been in that place where it felt like there was no way out. We understand, and we love you. There is help. If you don’t believe me, you need to know that no one could convince me there was help either, and yet THERE WAS. I didn’t believe I’d get better either, and yet I DID. Postpartum depression and related illnesses are still an awful experience. I know that. I just ask you to please be willing to accept the help that is out there. It’s worth it.
What To Do If You Or Someone You Love Is Having Suicidal Thoughts
As the American Federation for Suicide Prevention explains, suicide often occurs when stressors exceed the current coping abilities of someone suffering from a mental health condition, like depression. There are people who understand and know how to help you, no matter what you are going through or why. If you are in crisis or having suicidal thoughts, PLEASE call 1-800-273-TALK (1-888-628-9454 en espanol).
Thank you so much , you have given me so much hope. I am going through PPD anxiety/ocd right now. I have taken the right decisions on getting help through medication and therapy (CBT). It is hard , it really is . but I am getting a little faith back every time I see a mother that has recovered from this horrible illness. Happy birthday to your son ❤ I hope you and your family have a wonderful day !
You are brave, Rae. You WILL get better. I, like Katherine in her article above, did not believe the help would work. I didn’t think I’d get better. But I DID. I did 8 weeks of CBT (after a 5 day hospitalization for suicidal ideation) in an intensive program that met daily for 6 hours, 4 days a week. Without that program and medication, I wouldn’t be here. You are doing the right thing and you WILL come out of this. You have an entire community of Warrior Moms behind you. The faith you are getting back a little at a time, will continue to come back, more and more and stronger and stronger. The bad days will turn into bad moments in a day, and then will eventually go away completely. I couldn’t believe it when it happened to me, but it did. I’m so glad you have reached out for help. Stay strong, warrior mom!! All the best to you!!
I love everything about this article but my favorite part is “He loves me and I love him, and that’s the biggest “F— YOU” to postpartum depression that I know of. We win, PPD. We. Win.” Yessssssss!!! as far as I’m concerned PND (prenatal depression in my case) can go stick it where the sun don’t shine!!
please help me, I have been increasingly depressed and it started about a week ago, but my baby is a 10 months old is it possible to still be suffering from PPD this many months later?
Hello Leighann, Yes, it’s possible. If PPD has been left untreated, it can stay. Sometimes we’re depressed for a long time before we really even realize that’s what it is. We think we’re just overwhelmed or sleep deprived. Please talk with a doctor or therapist if you can, and get on the road to getting better. This is treatable, and you don’t have to keep feeling this way. I’m sending you peace!
am happy for u Katherine your son has grown and made 15 now.am too a mother of a little princess who is now 13 months but going though ppocd its hard cause sometimes i feel am not worth to be her mom its feels terrible yet its over now 6 months since i started on medication but will i ever feel my self again.
Yes. It is totally possible. They say it can happen within the first year postpartum, and research is even going as far as to say two years. But regardless of what “they” say, I always go by the rule that if you are questioning if something is not right that you need to address it with your doctor. Chances are high that you are right and help is right there when you ask. Hang in there. I had my worst bout of PPD that started around 9 months postpartum. You can get out of this fog, I promise you. You are worth it.
I’m so glad I came here to get info on your bio and that I got to read this blog post!
I’m “dressing up” as Katherine Stone at church tomorrow…it’s Hero Sunday (for our Christian Ed kickoff) and we’ve been asked to come as our favorite hero. I’ll be representing you. 🙂 So glad to read that it was recently your son’s 15th birthday. My daughter is now 7. I experienced severe PPD and PPA for about 2.5 years after her birth and found your blog soon after she was born. You were and continue to be a huge blessing to me and my daughter. Thank you for your work. You are a true shero!!
This is so great, Kristen! I will make sure Katherine sees your comment. She will be so grateful that you thought to represent her and her work for your event! Peace…
Kristen!! Oh my goodness. I think you may be the first person who has ever dressed up as me. I’m kind of dying to know what you wore. What an honor! Thank you!! <3
I wondered what I should wear as well…and my sister suggested a lanyard with your name, picture, and organization info on a hang tag…so that’s what I did. Nothing too crazy! 😉
I told many people that Sunday about your story. It was an honor!!
Love you Katherine Stone!
This is a wonderful ray of light!! Thank you. I have had so many ups and downs the last three years. Switching around meds, feeling better like myself then right back down with the purely obsessional self harm thoughts. I am going through another med increase right now. Two weeks in. ???? Thanks for the hope!!